Uncomfortable Online Relationship. Help?

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Merit
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10 Jun 2011, 8:21 am

Men are confusing. I've been playing this online game that I guess you could call my interest for a while now. I've met several people, video chatted with them even. Then there is this one guy. I guess those of you out there who are older can probably guess what is coming. But anyways...

The first time I spoke to this "guy" (let's call him T) we talked for four hours straight. We have a lot of things in common, such as the game, computer interests, ect. We read the same books. We both read manga, and have people in our lives who don't understand why we do so. We both have issues with parents who have abandoned us. So... I hate to say this... over the last couple of days this guy has formed "romantic" type feelings that he has informed me about.

But I don't know what I feel. I mean, I am attracted to him somewhat because of all the shared interests, but I don't find him physically attractive. He has started talking about dirty stuff as well as long term things that make me uncomfortable, which makes me sort of a hypocrite as I told him to "do what feels natural", and that "I didn't mind". But once he started doing it, I found I did indeed mind.

Then, there is the "icing on the cake". T is the leader of our "guild" (a group of online people, sort of like a club). I am the one who created the guild site, as well as designed it. It's registered under my name. Since this is a strictly online thing (he lives in Seattle, a long ways away from me, and we haven't even chatted on webcam yet) my usual way out would be to leave the guild and fade away into the woodwork. But not only has this guy given me things (as gifts, saying that he thinks I'm different from all the regular people who leave), but then there is the guild site, and the fact that he talks to me every time I log on.

I am seriously thinking of going back to my old guild and trying to get away, but thinking like that makes me feel guilty. I'm in hot water and I know it... and I do not want to be seen as a freeloader. T could be a good friend, but I feel almost like he already considers me as his "online girlfriend" (even though we have never talked officially about it), and he's pushing my boundaries a little bit too far. I've never been in a relationship, never mind talked dirty to anyone. He's not a fifty year old perv, but he's several years older than me (and NT too) so it shows.

:oops:

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to say anything, and so have been "hiding" by staying off my Skype and playing another character on the game so he cannot contact me. But I don't want to stay hidden forever, and truthfully, I miss my old guild. I want to leave, but I feel guilty doing so (not because of a "romantic" feeling, but because he's bought me stuff and it feels wrong). Should I just get up the nerve and tell him even if it makes me upset (I usually can't handle that type of confrontation), or should I just try and adjust? Can someone please give me a idea of what is the decent thing to do in this type of situation?

And I apologize in advance if I sound stupid and whiny. If you guys decide to go "tough luck girl" I understand.


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OneStepBeyond
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10 Jun 2011, 8:29 am

this happened to me before but irl not online, and i pretty much ran away too. but it wasn't the right thing to do and caused all sorts of trouble. you should send him a frank, honest message saying you would like to be friends and nothing more and are starting to feel that the relationship between the two of you has become too much.



Grisha
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10 Jun 2011, 8:32 am

Easier said than done, but have you considered being completely honest with him?



MCalavera
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10 Jun 2011, 8:34 am

You don't owe that dude anything. Leave if that's what makes you more comfortable in the long run.

Besides, you're 17 years old. He should know better than to try to be in some romantic interaction with you.



Merit
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10 Jun 2011, 8:44 am

MCalavera wrote:
You don't owe that dude anything. Leave if that's what makes you more comfortable in the long run.

Besides, you're 17 years old. He should know better than to try to be in some romantic interaction with you.


It's partly my fault because I didn't realize that I needed to discourage him until after he'd already drawn his own assumptions.


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MCalavera
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10 Jun 2011, 8:58 am

Merit wrote:
MCalavera wrote:
You don't owe that dude anything. Leave if that's what makes you more comfortable in the long run.

Besides, you're 17 years old. He should know better than to try to be in some romantic interaction with you.


It's partly my fault because I didn't realize that I needed to discourage him until after he'd already drawn his own assumptions.


I don't know exactly what mistakes you did, and I'm not trying to blindly defend you for the sake of it, but regardless of whatever you did, you still do not owe him anything. Even if he bought you stuff, he has no right to make you feel emotionally blackmailed because of the "nice" things he did for you. And it seems from what you've stated that he was the one making the bold moves and the one in control. I don't see what else you could've done as a 17 year old girl better than what you've been doing.

It's ok. If you don't feel comfortable with him anymore, there's nothing wrong with cutting contact with him. He owes you nothing, and you owe him nothing. In fact, I don't think you should continue having contact with him at all, and I'm a bit surprised that no one here has noticed that there's a big gap in age between you and him.

By the way, I would've said the same thing to my little sister if she were in such a position (she's around your age). You're putting yourself at risk by having contact with him.



MollyTroubletail
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10 Jun 2011, 9:02 am

The decent thing to do is to give him back the gifts he gave you, if you still have them, and tell him you don't feel ready for a romantic interest. He might tell you to keep the gifts anyway, and then you can keep them.

Tell him you are sorry if you gave him the wrong impression, but you only play the game to de-stress and socialize. Say that you are against online & long-distance relationships in general, and that online romance does not work for you in any case.

You can offer him the source code for your website so that another player can re-create it easily; or, if it's a free site, you can give him the PW to the site, and abandon it.

You may then need to "disappear" for a week or two to let him sort out his feelings. If you stay there talking to him, chances are pretty good that he may continue to badger you and argue with you, trying to talk you into it. If he begins to argue with you or tries to make you feel bad or like you are obligated to stay, you should log off immediately and give him time alone to realize that it's over.

After a suitable cooling-off period, you'll be totally free to return as your old character, and join any guild you like, without being obligated to anyone in any way.

And remember: it's supposed to just be a game and not a pick-up site. Also, keep in mind that "no" means NO, and this is not even up for discussion.



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10 Jun 2011, 9:33 am

hi fellow edmontonian!

i don't have any better advice than people have already provided. i have gotten myself into identical situations before. i don't like to rock the boat or upset people if they start to crush out on me. but i have gotten better with it and the advice above looks really good. good luck with this!


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OneStepBeyond
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10 Jun 2011, 9:34 am

theres an edmonton in london



Tequila
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10 Jun 2011, 9:42 am

OneStepBeyond wrote:
theres an edmonton in london


True. There's also an Edmonton in Kentucky in the United States and one in Australia.

The most pressing one to British people, I suspect, would be Newcastle. The big Newcastle, Newcastle-upon-Tyne (but always referred to as "Newcastle"), one of the major cities in England and dominates the north-east England region. But there are two other Newcastles in the UK alone - one of them is Newcastle-under-Lyme, which is a town in Staffordshire. The second is Newcastle in Northern Ireland, a breathtakingly beautiful seaside resort in the shadow of the Mountains of Mourne in gorgeous rolling South Down. So it's quite common if someone has been to both places to have to differentiate between the English and NI ones.

That's forgetting that there are Newcastles elsewhere in the world, like the mining town in New South Wales, Australia, with which I believe shares quite a lot of similarities to the British Newcastle-upon-Tyne.



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10 Jun 2011, 9:45 am

OneStepBeyond wrote:
theres an edmonton in london

yeah, i think we are named after that one. but i bet it isn't as cool as us!! ! after all, our city is nicknamed Deadmonton due to the high murder rate. our homicide rate is about double that of london's average.

wait, never mind. that's more scary than cool. we also have a big mall...


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10 Jun 2011, 9:48 am

Give back his gifts. Does he actually know your address? Does he know your age too? He sounds manipulative giving you that "they always leave". I had a 30 year old try that crap when I first started college. He started saying stuff to make me feel uncomfortable. I was so messed up and he was trying to make it feel like it was my fault for leading him on which I never mentioned any romantic feelings for him or anyone else. I was finally honest and said we shouldn't hang out anymore and he left me alone in fact, he left the area which made it easier for me to get back to being me.



OneStepBeyond
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10 Jun 2011, 10:05 am

hyperlexian wrote:
OneStepBeyond wrote:
theres an edmonton in london

yeah, i think we are named after that one. but i bet it isn't as cool as us!! ! after all, our city is nicknamed Deadmonton due to the high murder rate. our homicide rate is about double that of london's average.

wait, never mind. that's more scary than cool. we also have a big mall...


lol! i don't really know much about ours. except for the fact that my friend lives near there, but nobody wants to know that. although looking at wikipedia that could well be the most interesting thing you'll hear about it...



Grisha
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10 Jun 2011, 10:58 am

Tequila wrote:
OneStepBeyond wrote:
theres an edmonton in london


True. There's also an Edmonton in Kentucky in the United States and one in Australia.

The most pressing one to British people, I suspect, would be Newcastle. The big Newcastle, Newcastle-upon-Tyne (but always referred to as "Newcastle"), one of the major cities in England and dominates the north-east England region. But there are two other Newcastles in the UK alone - one of them is Newcastle-under-Lyme, which is a town in Staffordshire. The second is Newcastle in Northern Ireland, a breathtakingly beautiful seaside resort in the shadow of the Mountains of Mourne in gorgeous rolling South Down. So it's quite common if someone has been to both places to have to differentiate between the English and NI ones.

That's forgetting that there are Newcastles elsewhere in the world, like the mining town in New South Wales, Australia, with which I believe shares quite a lot of similarities to the
British Newcastle-upon-Tyne.


Is Newcastle-upon-Tyne the one with the coal mines? People are always warning me not to "carry coals to Newcastle" and I want to ensure that I don't do it by mistake... :wink:



PLA
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10 Jun 2011, 12:34 pm

That guild thing usually causes issues. Guild leaders and romance don't mix.

But otherwise, just tell him. When 17 years old, it seems like every hickup is a huge life or death situation. (Believe it or not, I've been 17 years old.) Hiding from your own shadow won't do you any good.


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10 Jun 2011, 1:41 pm

Rule of thumb: Unless you live in the 16th century or earler, never get romantic with a guy who runs a Guild. The gold's not real but the 16th century BO probably is.