Flat-Sharing (Is Becoming Troublesome)

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I've been flat-sharing with a couple of friends for the last 18 months. And I'm starting to suspect that we won't be friends any longer if things carry on the way they are. I wasn't aware until I'd already committed, but the other two people involved are a couple (they were keeping it secret until a difficult ex was out of the picture). The them-and-me divide is growing. Conversation with the male half of the couple is becoming difficult - with the female half, it's impossible. I talk to the cats more often.

To make things worse, they don't think I do enough to keep the house clean, even after a concious effort to improve my ways (it's clean enough for me, just not them) and as a frustrated single man, a happy couple under my nose is becoming increasingly grating. Also, (and here's the Aspi bit), I don't think they can handle my 'slightly odd' behaviour. They seem very sceptical of how I live my life - they don't seem to accept that I'm not going to change. They knew about the AS beforehand, but never realised exactly what it entailed until we shared accomodation. For my own part, I find their apparent standards unattainable.

But neither do I want to leave anyone in the lurch. They're still friends, and I want it to remain that way. But I'm starting to believe our differences are unresolvable. 18 months is long enough to work that out. A cleaning rota or lengthy chat don't really seem sufficient to close rifts like these.

Has anyone else been in similar flat-sharing difficulties? Has anyone had difficulties in getting non-Aspi's to accept your behaviour in close company? Would I be better on my own?

better on your own.....just so much easier to write and it is the best answer.

ive had some troubles with roommates lately. the current one expects far too much interaction from me. constantly wanting house meetings for silly things and stopping me for pointless conversations. its very draining. many roommates find it hard to understand that i mostly just want to do my own thing. they want to do house activities and such (even thought none of them seem to get along all that well). i occasionally participate, but loathe it. maybe with the right people, but these are not them.

i do often find myself wishing to live alone. i think i would enjoy it more, but on the other hand, whether i like it or not, living with roommates forces me to improve my social "skills" and interact with people (practice makes perfect). plus, its a hell of a lot cheaper.

I've had very similar experiences flat-sharing with friends.
Most of the time it seems to end up in arguments (about cleaning or respect or house noise etc), and I probably seem unreasonable to them at times. I spend a lot of time by myself or programming on my computer. In the past, when flat-sharing with friends, they'd not known about my aspie side (and neither had I). I now live by myself, my own place ... far less stressfull, less things to think aboout / worry about. But not perfect.

I am now being asked by some other people to move into a new flat-share with them in about 3 months time.

I'd like very much to be around these people, I believe them to be friends (i think i can trust them) however, i'm really concerned that after a few months or a year or whatever, we'll be getting into difficulties. I really don't want to fall-out with any more people that I'm getting comfortable with, it's such a hard thing - stressful and a lot to think about or go over.

I think I will take up the offer (maybe that's foolish) but I'll make sure I've sat down with my new potential house-mates and talked about any things to expect.

fingers crossed

I think that arguments and difficulties come up often between NTs as well - its a risk you take when living with people for the first time.

I can understand not wanting to jeapordize potential friendships, but otoh, if they are going to be long-term friends, any issues relating to AS are bound to come up eventually. So, if they are good people, I imagine they will be willing to work with you on it.

Whether you live with them or not, its probably a good idea to bring it up. Or at least let them know that you do like your solitude. That seems to be the problem I encounter most - people take it personally when I don't want to participate in all the house activities.

As it turns out, both housemates knew of my AS before all this kicked off, but neither actually knew what it was! One of them finally read up on the issue a few days ago and realised exactly who and what he was dealing with. The other? I seriously doubt we'll ever truly see eye to eye - the problems we have experienced in life are too far apart to really emphasise with each other. And empathy is rarely a strong point amongst people like us.

I honestly think flat sharing is not for Aspies. I say that with confidence, having had experience of it, it having been the standard thing to do as a university student.

At least they aren't partayers. If you can afford it in your area, start shopping for a single-living setup. I used to live in a converted foyer that's smaller than my room and closet (in a 5 bedroom townhouse), and it spoiled me for anything else communal. In terms of loneliness, these situations have ended up being about the same. I've not formed much of a relationship even with the long-term residents. Also, there's extra effort now to avoid running into others in the common areas and using as little of the kitchen as possible (by not cooking on the stovetop and not using dishes I'd have to wash) just to avoid awkwardness or squabbles. Bottom line: If you can afford it, live alone!

When I've lived with roommates it was disasterous too. It's especially an issue if it is close quarters and you have to share things like the tv and have a small kitchen. She was always screaming at me. She didn't like how I couldn't get every molecule of flour wiped off the kitchen counter even though it was okay for her not to do her job of vacuuming except once every 3 weeks when we had two shedding pets. She also didn't mind dirtying up every dish on the shelf because that was my job to do the washing. That is all very trivial stuff you say but the constant fussing over chores became stressful. Also did the double standard of not being allowed to have my girlfriend over or even call me but she expected me to leave for a whole day when her girlfriend came over. Plus she ate my groceries and then counted every calorie that I ate. She made fun of everything I did, the way I ate, the way I cleared my throat, the way I coughed too much when I had pneumonia. She got MAD at me when I had asthma attacks. She would come in the bathroom when I had the door closed.

I finally moved out and got my own tiny apartment that is the size of a motel room. So its just me, the cat and the fish and I like it that way much better. Seriously your stress level drops 90% when you drop the roommates.

Absolutley not. i will never share a living space with anyone other than someone who is my girlfriend. and even then she gets to only spend the nite!