Anyone else see a double standard when you vent/meltdown?

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KenM
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12 Jun 2011, 4:51 pm

I just had a meltdown over something small. But I started to yell and scream because it was a pain at the time. My mom asked me what was wrong as I was yelling/ So I yelled back what was wrong to her and all she did was tell me not to react that way.

Anytime I vent/ have a meltdown over something the people that see it say I should not react that way. I feel they are telling me how to feel and react. They are telling me I have no right to feel the way I do.

When things don't good for others around me and they need to yell/ vent I let them get it out of there system. But when I do it I get put down and told its not right.

I feel thats a double standard, this happen to anyone else?



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12 Jun 2011, 5:23 pm

Yeah, I think that's stupid and hypocritical. You can't always help the way you react. I'm usually reminded that there are people worse off than me, and because I don't work I have nothing to complain about when I feel like I'm in my own mental prison. It makes me want to SCREAM!! !! ! I gave up on venting because it usually gets me into trouble and even more pissed off, and I started going on hikes by myself a couple days ago. The exersise gets out some aggression (I power-walk) and there is a field by the railroad tracks I hike on where I can scream and no one can hear me. The hikes also make me feel good about myself because I feel like I accomplished something, and the getting in shape part is a definitely a plus. It's also really nice to just get away from everyone and everything for a couple hours to clear my head and not lose my mind. ( I like to think that I still have some shreds of sanity left)



KenM
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12 Jun 2011, 5:43 pm

I try and not yell, but like you said you can't help the way you react all the time. Even with excercise, ect.. Sometimes I feel like I need to just vent. If I don't I keep it inside and then its worse. I feel like I am not allowed to express myself.



Ilka
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13 Jun 2011, 8:25 pm

I am sorry. I am NT. I was tought you have to control yourself and not make other people suffer for how you feel. I do not think yelling at your mother because you are mad is correct. I have tought my Aspie daughter to control herself and not make other people suffer for how she feels. When she is mad she used to be mean to everybody because she wanted people around her to be as mad as she was. That is not healthy. I do not know about you family, but I dont go hurting people around me when I feel bad/mad/sad.



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14 Jun 2011, 12:19 am

People have gotten mad at me for expressing my feelings and I think that is why I have troubles expressing them now. My husband told me I don't express them very well. I read my old diary and it was heart breaking and brought back my old feelings. My family was getting mad at me for expressing myself. I totally forgot all about it but I think that is a wonder why I have a hard time with it now.



KenM
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14 Jun 2011, 4:14 am

Ilka wrote:
I am sorry. I am NT. I was tought you have to control yourself and not make other people suffer for how you feel. I do not think yelling at your mother because you are mad is correct. I have tought my Aspie daughter to control herself and not make other people suffer for how she feels. When she is mad she used to be mean to everybody because she wanted people around her to be as mad as she was. That is not healthy. I do not know about you family, but I dont go hurting people around me when I feel bad/mad/sad.



Its not intentional. It happens in the heat of the moment. I let others, including my Mom yell/ vent, express there feelings. But when I express my feelings I'm always put down and told i'm wrong. Seems to me its OK for others to do it, but not me. That just makes me more upset because I am not allowed to express myself the way I need to to work it out of my system.



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14 Jun 2011, 8:46 am

I agree with you. I'm NT, but I know what you mean. I'm fairly antisocial, so I notice things like this that people do. If your mom tries to work with you concerning your AS, maybe you could mention it at a time when neither of you are angry. It may help her realize that you're not complaining as a teenager, but being reasonable, if you say something such as, "This is how I feel, so will you explain to me why you think this situation is okay?"



hale_bopp
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14 Jun 2011, 8:59 am

Explain to these people that sometimes you melt down and tell them what happens when you do it. It's possible they don't know it's a melt down and just think you're being rude.

If they just won't learn, well, you can't fix stupid. Just don't see much of them.



starryeyedvoyager
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14 Jun 2011, 9:08 am

I used to have those alot, still have them, but have gained much more control over it. Trying to explain to people why you get so worked up over small details or - to them - insiginficant things never worked for me. I appologized afterwards, said I just needed some time to cool down, and tried to explain that I sometimes can't help it getting mad over things that seem small to them, but mean alot to me. The reaction was either saying that I was stupid because they would never react in that fashion, or saying something like: "That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard, just saying you couldn't help it!"

Just my experience with it. People are hypocrites when it comes to these things, because they never stop and think things through. Of course, us Aspies are much more likely to rage over seemingly ridiciouls stuff, but every person can get his or her buttons pushed the wrong way. Deeming your own "meltdown threshold" to be higher because you would not get angry because of a specific thing someone else gets mad about does not really mean it is higher, it is just somewhere else. Trying to explain that to people is a real pain.



USMCnBNSFdude
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14 Jun 2011, 9:26 am

KenM wrote:
I just had a meltdown over something small. But I started to yell and scream because it was a pain at the time. My mom asked me what was wrong as I was yelling/ So I yelled back what was wrong to her and all she did was tell me not to react that way.

Anytime I vent/ have a meltdown over something the people that see it say I should not react that way. I feel they are telling me how to feel and react. They are telling me I have no right to feel the way I do.

When things don't good for others around me and they need to yell/ vent I let them get it out of there system. But when I do it I get put down and told its not right.

I feel thats a double standard, this happen to anyone else?

Did it ever occur to you that you probably sound really rude when you respond to someone during a meltdown? I felt the same way you do for a really long time until my Mom explained that when I say something back when I'm fretting about something I sound extremely rude and assholic. I think other people don't realize you're having a hard time, but they actually think you're just being a jerk, so they avoid you.

My only advice is to really try hard to avoid meltdowns around other people. It hurts, but you could hold it in until you can find a place with no people around.


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14 Jun 2011, 1:14 pm

starryeyedvoyager wrote:
I used to have those alot, still have them, but have gained much more control over it. Trying to explain to people why you get so worked up over small details or - to them - insiginficant things never worked for me. I appologized afterwards, said I just needed some time to cool down, and tried to explain that I sometimes can't help it getting mad over things that seem small to them, but mean alot to me. The reaction was either saying that I was stupid because they would never react in that fashion, or saying something like: "That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard, just saying you couldn't help it!"

Yeah, I think that what triggers your meltdown has a lot to do with whether somebody else is going to accept the way you melt down. If you are melting down because someone you love just got hit by a car, then people will be vastly more likely to accept some rudeness and yelling than if you had just spilled some water on grass.


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LiendaBalla
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14 Jun 2011, 2:08 pm

Yes I have. It sucks. Thankfully, I have my car to blow steam in now. :twisted: The drivers wheel and driver's seat both have pen stab marks.



KenM
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14 Jun 2011, 3:59 pm

USMCnBNSFdude wrote:
Did it ever occur to you that you probably sound really rude when you respond to someone during a meltdown? I felt the same way you do for a really long time until my Mom explained that when I say something back when I'm fretting about something I sound extremely rude and assholic. I think other people don't realize you're having a hard time, but they actually think you're just being a jerk, so they avoid you.




Me yelling, breathing heavy, ect is NOT a sign that I am having a hard time? I thought people with AS had trouble reading people. I have AS and I know when I see someone like that its pretty clear they are having a hard time. But when I act like that everything is fine?

I know I get loud and rude and yell, but when it happens I can't control it. I am better at not having meltdowns. But when it does happen I need people to let me do my thing and get it out. Last thing I want to hear is I am wrong and I need to stop. All I want is the same respect and tretment I give others that need to vent and yell. I let others do it, people tell me I'm wrong to act like that. Then the same people that tell me to calm down see other people they know yelling, having a meltdown, they don't tell them to stop or that they are wrong.



huntedman
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14 Jun 2011, 5:59 pm

Ilka wrote:
I am sorry. I am NT. I was tought you have to control yourself and not make other people suffer for how you feel. I do not think yelling at your mother because you are mad is correct. I have tought my Aspie daughter to control herself and not make other people suffer for how she feels. When she is mad she used to be mean to everybody because she wanted people around her to be as mad as she was. That is not healthy. I do not know about you family, but I dont go hurting people around me when I feel bad/mad/sad.


I think this glosses over the critical issue. NTs like yourself have the ability to display a socially appropriate level of anger, to express to other people what is making you angry. This lets you feel better about your frustration, people can relate to your frustrations, and the nicer of people will try to make accommodations for you. You write as if you are talking down to someone, yet you have always had the innate advantage of more fluid communication and other people who can share and relate to your burdens. Are you sure you understand a life without that ability?

If you have seen videos of someone holding their hand over top a burning candle while trying to keep a smile on their face as the burn to their palm gets progressively worse. Please realize in many bad sensory situations this is very close to the everyday reality of life. I hold physical scars of self injury, creating external pain in an attempt to reduce the pain in my head, to keep the control that you mention.

As a further price of that control, I had to give up trying to express the things that make me angry or frustrated to other people. "I don’t go hurting people around me when I feel bad/mad/sad". No, I hide from them to prevent that eventuality. Yet that has a severe negative effect on how well I know people. How many close friends do you have, whom you have never seen get angry or lose control?

Please do not talk about the matter as insignificant, like there isn't a price you pay for it, especially because i don't think we are playing with the same rules to begin with.

OP: sorry for the side rant.



KenM
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14 Jun 2011, 7:15 pm

You don't have to be sorry. You expressed what I was trying to say very well, thank you.