Excluded from a friend's 30th Surprise Birthday Party

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Miyah
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18 Jun 2011, 9:37 pm

A close friend of mine had recently turned 30 on June 2 this year and so we had decided to invite her to the mall to meet with another close friend of ours since her birthday was on Thursday.

I had recently learned that my friend's mother had thrown her a surprise party during the first weekend in June in an area out of town where my friend usually goes camping with them (She lives with her parents under a court ordered guardianship appointed to her parents. Her mother mother often controls and overprotects her daughter). I had also found out that my friend's mother happened to invite the majority of their family members and family friends whom my friend had grown up with and grown close to. Meanwhile, our other close friend and myself were not included in the festivities of the party.

In many cases, I have had to invite my friend to a mall or a restaurant and meet her there for her birthday. I had also invited my friend and included her at several parties and made her feel welcome. Moreover, I had also invited her down to Disney World with a family member of mine two years in a row. However, not once have I been invited to attend their house for dinner or for any other occasions.

Our other friend had recently gotten married and had included this girl in her wedding as one of the bride's maids and yet was also not once invited in return for any special occasion.

I am tempted to confront her parents' about their behavior but I do not want to do it in a harsh or rude manner. How should I approach their situation?



Last edited by Miyah on 19 Jun 2011, 9:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ilka
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18 Jun 2011, 10:20 pm

If her mother is controlling, as you say, and you guys are very close friends, then probably the mother does not approve the friendship and that's why you were not invited. It's a classic. The mother wants all the daughters love for herself and will percibe danger from any close friendship, specially with peopke she does not approve. I know this because my mother is a control freak, and she will dislike all my friends, specially those I chose myself. She even wanted to tell me who I should date. Do not waste your time talking to the mother. Believe me, you will not change her mind. If you love your friend just ignore her mother and the stupid party, and dont hold resentment about it.



Chronos
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18 Jun 2011, 11:38 pm

I think your friend should say something to her parents.



Miyah
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19 Jun 2011, 5:39 am

My friend had advised me to ask her mother as to why we were not invited to the party earlier this month.



Ilka
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19 Jun 2011, 8:05 am

Based on my own experience, if you do that most probably you will get a hypocritical response. And she will do it again.
Your friend should face her mother herself, not putting you in that position. I mean, if she really cares you were not invited to the party...



Miyah
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19 Jun 2011, 9:02 am

I do not know what my friend's reaction to not having us there was since she never bothered to contact us and tell us what had happened. I think she was too excited to really even think about the situation since the surprise party was for her. She didn't even seem the least bit concerned yesterday when we were out. In fact, I was pretty ticked at the whole situation and really didn't enjoy being around my friend because of what her parents had done.



Ilka
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20 Jun 2011, 12:04 pm

I think you should not be mad at her for what her parents do. She cannot control what her parents do. If I was her I would have apologized in their behalf. It's weird she did not do it, but maybe she thinks it was her parent's decision. so it's not her duty to apologize for them. Or maybe she does not cherish your friendship as much as you do. If you still feel uncomfortable about the situation you should talk to her and express your feelings. If you do not do that you will still feel hurt and it will damage your friendship.



YippySkippy
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20 Jun 2011, 2:09 pm

Maybe it was a "family" party. Just relatives, no friends.
This is the type of party my family usually throws for various occasions, and they wouldn't think twice about not inviting a close friend. It wouldn't even occur to them to do so. It might be weird, but it isn't intended to insult anyone.



Tequila
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20 Jun 2011, 2:24 pm

If it was me, I'd definitely say something to the friend. Make a well-considered case for being excluded - i.e. detailing all the times when you have been excluded and also note the times you have included her and made her feel welcome. Remind her that friendships are supposed to be about give and take and hint that she needs to talk with her mum in order that you can be included in the future. Tell her that this state of affairs upsets you badly.

If things still don't change, ask yourself if you want to continue the friendship.



OneStepBeyond
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20 Jun 2011, 4:27 pm

Miyah wrote:
family members and family friends