Is he trying to get me fired?

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..or make me look bad in front of our supervisors?

Hi. I'm new and what you call an NT. I don't have any experience dealing with AS folks, but from describing various situations at work with my friend, she said my co-worker might have AS. Yes, I should not assume things, but I don't know where else to turn.

Background info: My co-worker Keanu and I started our jobs as salespeople in a new retail store around the same time about a month ago. At first, I thought he was just really chatty, but then noticed he doesn't take any cues that I'd rather be left alone. I'm quiet and prefer to stay that way since I have to talk a lot in dealing with customers and want a respite during downtimes.

Keanu has taken to commenting on everything I do. I'd be in the middle of a project assigned by our supervisor and Keanu would purposely walk over and tell me what I am doing, and go and on about it. At first, I'd say "umm, ok." or "Yes, I was told to do this by Boss." No matter where I am in the store, he would go out of his way to comment at me and I find this annoying. I don't notice him doing this to anyone else. We're the only two salespeople at the store. I'm come to dread him walking near me, or me walking by him.

One of our jobs is to greet customers as they walk in. I was deep in data entry. Keanu was just sitting there, staring out at the parking lot through the plate glass windows. A customer walks in, and goes past us. The supervisor and assistant manager's desks are behind us. He says, loud enough for the supes to hear, "Well aren't you going to say hello to him?" What the hell? I reply "Well, you're just sitting there. Why didn't YOU say hi to him?"

Yesterday was a very hot day. I was dealing with a very difficult customer who also had very bad breath. Unpleasantness all around. I had to run back and forth to a computer from display area to look up answers to questions the customer kept asking. Suddenly, Keanu decides to just park himself at this computer to surf the web (this is against store policy). Stressed out, I told him that I was using the computer to help Mr. Bad Breath. Keanu goes, "Oh, were you using this computer? What are you doing?"

I ignore him and go back to deal with Mr. Bad Breath. Keanu follows me and just stands there and hovers over me as I was trying to get something out of a low display case. Mr Bad Breath was on the other side of me, tapping his foot. I tell Keanu to stop hovering over me if he wasn't going to assist me. He just keeps staring at me. I tell at him to go do something else. "Oh, are you trying to sell XYZ?" he asks. Mr. Bad Breath sighs, thinking we are goofing off. I angrily tell Keanu to just go away. He yells back, "Are you angry at me?!" I reply "Yes I am." He yells back even louder, "Well why didn't you tell me?" and stomps away. It's a small store. Sound carries easily. Yes, a scene was caused. I had to apologize to Mr. Bad Breath. Oh, after all this crap, he did not buy XYZ.

Meanwhile, Keanu waltzes back to me as if nothing happened. I don't rat people out and know how hard it is to find a job, and none of the supervisors called me out, but since Keanu's the gregarious-seeming one and I'm the tacit one, I'm afraid they might bring this up as a point of criticism when my three month probationary period is up. Truthfully, I would really not have to work wth Keanu at all, but I also don't want anyone fired. What do I do? There's no alternate shifts to get re-assigned to since the store is basically open 9-5.

A third possibility on his part is that the job is exceedingly boring for him, and he's trying to make it interesting by being a pain. You might consider trying to take him aside just before shift start or during closedown and ask him what's going on, why he's doing things to make the job even harder for you and why he's disregarding the policies. If he doesn't pay attention or doesn't otherwise improve, well, then you've tried. It may well be time to speak to your managers at that point.

Sorry to hear about your situation, working life can be coarse for the neuro-typical and atypical alike.

What you describe seems more like narcissistic behaviour to me. If it were, then raising your concerns with your co-worker could make their behaviour toward you worse.

Are there any factors that might lead you to believe the other person is acting out of social naivety, which is typical of people with AS, rather than deliberately trying to disrupt or antagonise you?

If it's your job, just say hi yourself and sod Keanu.

He sounds irritating as hell but his reaction 'why didn't you tell me' makes me hopeful; he may literally not know how annoying he is.

I suggest you sit him down and say to him before work starts next time that whilst you appreciate he shows an interest in what you do, you find it very distracting when he hovers over you and comments on everything you do (be specific) and it makes you very stressed and unable to deal with the customer. Tell him you'll be happy to chat to him whilst on break and discuss what you've been doing then, but whilst you're being paid to do a job, you want to make sure you do it to the best of your ability..

If he does change, try to give him the benefit of the doubt and not let future slip-ups annoy you too much (though remind him by all means!- you could even arrange to have a code phrase for if he gets too in your face ('dude, shoo...' or 'dude, don't you have your own work to get back to?')

That's if he's aspie, mind. If he's just a douchebag (or an aspie-douchebag) I'm not sure what his game is so you may want to just keep a written record of what's happening.



Ah.. this makes it more urgent. All I can advise is that you do your own job really well; say hello when you're supposed to say hello and smile and sweet talk the customers. If your shadow wants to drop by, then you need to find a way to tell him to f**k off (politely as possible so that the customer doesn't notice); sort of 'oh hey Keanu!*enthusiastic*- great you've showed up, can you take over the till/other side of shop for me?' - if he hangs around then he looks like a moron. Keep on being pleasant to the customer and don't get irritated because it really looks bad.

Get your sales and whatever is needed to make you look good and remember that whilst he's bugging you, he can't sell anything himself (and be careful he's not trying to take credit for your sales too!)

oh yeah, another point (and I'll stop now); you're female. If he's aspie this may be his attempt to show interest and chat you up...

p.s username from Strangers in Paradise?

He may view this as "flirtation." If so, it's clumsy flirtation and what is lost is any sense of light touch.

He may be aspie, he may not. In either case, it sounds like he's making a real jerk of himself.

There may be another option.

Back in Fall 2009, I was working at so-so department store. There was about 12 hours of training and then they put you out on the floor.

My first week, this co-worker starts saying, 'Maybe you don't have what it takes for the job. Have you thought about that?'

Because I asked a straightforward question about handling a somewhat different kind of return.

As I thought about it, it was obvious the guy was unhappy in his job and trying to throw down on someone else. I decided to complain to a manager. But decently tell him in advance so that I wouldn't be ambushing him.

Next time, he came by my area, I said to him, 'We need to talk. I'm going to talk to Ann and I'm giving you a heads up. You were out of line. It is not your job to be running new employees off.'

He responded much better than I thought he would. He even complimented me on being brave.

Now, it was not a bluff. I really was going to talk with Ann. But he responded so well I decided I did not need to.

And, he left me alone the rest of my three months working there (Christmas season). He still wasn't a great guy in his dealings with others. You can't hurry human growth.

But, I felt like I had successfully defended myself.

This may or may not work in your situation.

Sounds like typical autism to me. My interpretation is that he likes you. He talks to you not to annoy you but because as I stated before he likes you and he does not know any other way to chat. Unless you tell him that it annoys you he doesn't know. He probably thinks he's being nice and has someone he can talk to. The why didn't you say hello to them as he didn't too seems more of a joke like "hey, I didn't say hi either' and he is laughing about it by saying what he did. Computer was probably just bad reading of the situation as you were probably up and down away from it or him just being a butt cause hey everyone can be a butt we are all human. The angry part was him thinking he had someone he could talk to and just generally misreading you and the interactions he has had with you. He needs things as blunt as you put it, but it was all of a sudden and really angry like so it probably shocked him. If you would have called him out every time and been blunt it would have been fine and hell he probably would leave you alone. Or maybe not... I don't know. He's either completely ignorant of everything he's doing or just an ahole.

Thank you all for your insights. It's giving ideas on how to proceed with the situation at work.

I'm not familiar with narcissists aside from the popular definition for narcissism. I'm afraid to find out how much worse things could get.

I've overheard him talking to customers and he tends to go on and on, plus he overpromises what product XYZ would do, or what support services the store would provide. One return customer came in the next day and was talking to the supervisor and she mentioned being interested in XYZ but the sales guy (Keanu) kept talking in technicalspeak, so she pleaded with him to talk to her as though she was a techno dunce, to no avail.

He would sit very still behind the front counter and just seems to zone out. Sometimes I have a feeling he's avoiding being at the front counter by hiding at the tall shelves the farthest from the counter.

The sales manager has told Keanu that when he disappears off the sales floor, he has to tell someone as otherwise, as they'd all wonder where he went. So for the next two days, he's taken to telling me EVERY time he went to the washroom, outside to walk around the parking lot(!), or off to lunch. Me, not the manager or supervisor. WHY OH WHY? I don't give a flying frak what he does, but again, he seems to go out of his way to bug me.

One other bit that seemed off to me: I did tell him one time during his drive-by commenting that I want him to stop doing that as it is very annoying. He proceeded to turn around to another employee who was nearby and told him "Wow, some people are grumpy today! "


I've been saying hello to customers when I wasn't busy with another one. The point was, my head was ducked behind the monitor and so I couldn't see whenever someone comes in. Meanwhile, Keanu was sitting there, staring outside. He didn't say hello either, but took it upon himself to tell me how to do my job in front of the supes. I wanted very much to tell him to sod off right then.

Good idea about telling him the specifics of his asshattery. I'll skip the part about being happy to chat with him while on break as I'm afraid he might take it literally and seek me out at lunch to chat. He's already taken to asking me questions that are none of his business: "When are you getting married? Aww, don't you want a fmaily? Who do you live with?"


Luckily, we don't work on commission. He also can't take credit for my sales as whoever rings up the customer has to log in with their name for every transaction.


Yes, SiP! Speaking of which, maybe I should start flying the rainbow colors. He's got a more of a chance in winning the lottery than getting any reciprocation from me. If that leads to more personal questions, he can talk to the back of my head as I walk away.


I've thought about telling the sales manager about Keanu, but am afraid of coming off like a non-team player or Keanu finding out about my complaints and going batschnitzel or becoming petty and resentful.


Dammit, I seem attract the attention of creeps everywhere I go. Already have to deal with a crazy guy a the train station every morning.

I agree with Orr. Sounds slightly like a narcissist. To make a gross generalisation these people superficially appear full of self love and confidence but it usually masks a deep seeded or repressed insecurity. Narcissists anecdotally choose someone they see as weaker or inferior to them to dehumanise and humiliate in order to make themselves feel better about who they are. Maybe you're the target of his narcissistic rage. Anyway as someone who thinks he might have AS I'd say in this scenario I have more in common with you than Keanu. In my last full time job I worked with someone who (attitude to me aside) used to do alot of brown nosing to his superiors and constantly talked up how good he was at this particular duty or at upkeeping that responsibility. But this exaggerated bragging usually couldn't be matched by his performance. He would make as many mistakes as anyone else if not more. He took phone orders incorrectly, damaged work vehicles, made stupid decisions and forgot important information. Sometimes he made me look good!
In regards to his treatment of me from the moment I started the job I tried (despite my social ineptitude) to reach out to him but if I said anything that remotely threatened or called into question his massive self belief and bravado he would react with alot of venom so I gave up or I thought to myself, as I said to one of the bosses, "Me and him aren't gonna be friends."
I don't know if diagnosed aspies relate to this but when people make sly remarks or snyde jokes in a subtle way, even if I'm 99% sure they are about me I don't react because I know I can't prove they're directing it towards me and I only react to people clear enough to speak openly to me about their problems with me.
So if you wanna know for sure why he's doing the things he's doing you'll have to call him out. It won't be the easiest thing you've ever done, especially if you're a shy person like me that avoids confrontation. But sometimes when that's the last thing a bully expects they panic. One on one just tell him what he's doing, make a freakin list if you have to, and why it hurts you. I find others so complicated that being direct is sometimes the only way to figure out what the hell they're up to after putting up with their crap for too long.
After nearly one year of putting up with this jerk's subtle comments, and bad treatment from other guys at work, I finally had enough. In October last year I told them I would stay with them through the busy Christmas period but in early 2011 I'd be moving on. The management and the jerk that hated me didn't take this well and the treatment got worse. I started being given the workload of two people but I relished in it just to make a point that I was quiet and shy but tough enough to stick it out until after Christmas. But two weeks before Christmas I noticed subtle verbal threats of violence, even from the business owner who I looked up to like a Dad, so one monday morning I went in with my head shaved short (in case one or even both of the two big guys I worked with on mondays attacked me for quitting on them, I had long hair at the time) and gave them their high visibility shirts and shop key back. I showed them a journal I'd been keeping for a bit over a year including the passages where I'd written down, word for word, the threats I'd overheard while at work. I would do this when I got home and made sure it was dated. The journal was initially to help with my lack of short term memory but when I showed them the things they'd said and mentioned I'd been seeing a doctor about anxiety for as long as I'd worked there they panicked big time. They fell over themselves to kiss my arse even though I was leaving them to the worst, busiest two weeks of the year and swore I'd be welcome back there any day. Yeah right. But my point is that the quiet, mild mannered guy they thought they had figured out gave them the shock of their lives and without my hardwork, honesty and loyalty they would have had a very tough Christmas last year. Serves them right though.
In any case I don't think your beef is with an aspie here francinepeters.

Grrr. I now want Keanu fired.

He did another drive-by commenting today and I have had it. I was entering customer info from a form into the database and was in the midst of googlemapping the street address as I couldn't quite make out the handwriting. Keanu walks by, stops, stares and says "That's creepy."

"What?" I ask. He says I'm a stalker. I tell him to please stop with the potentially offensive comments, plus how is this any of his business?

"Well, that's your interpretation of this." He has a blank look on his face the entire time.

What the hell? "Look, your comments ARE offensive to me, and that's not an interpretation." He keeps standing there with a blank face. Apologize, you blank-faced bastard! Argh! Anyway, I turn back to the computer to finish data entry, as I've wasted enough time on the cretin. Creepy bastard stands there silently, then eventually leaves to do whatever it is that he does (certainly not his job).

I made sure to write down the date, time, and details of the incident in a notebook as soon as he left. Thanks for that suggestion, btw. Then I asked to speak with the sales manager privately.

I tell the SM about this incident, and also brought up the one from before, since Keanu apparently took it upon himself to tell the SM when I was going to let it slip. I made it clear that he instigated the whole thing, as why in hell would I go and pick a fight? Who has the time? Ah yes, the guy who stares out blankly at the parking lot.

The SM tells me that Keanu seems to think he is favoring me when the SM is favoring no one, except that I actually listen to the SM, pay attention to when he shows us how to do something, and I actually do my job. Keanu just... ha, even the SM doesn't know what he does half the time. I do my job, I don't get yelled at. Keanu gets yelled at, sees that I don't, and thinks I'm getting preferential treatment. I tell the SM that Keanu seems to have no empathy whatsoever (no apologies for causing offense, disrupting my work, etc). He says he'll talk to Keanu, and if this continues, he'll get write-ups. At this rate, he'll get himself booted in no time. Alas, I will probably bear the brunt of his Keanu-ness until then.

Can't wait to see how fun tomorrow will be!

Sorry to be blunt here but it seems that you are enjoying the thought of having him fired. From what you have described, he does not appear to be a narcissist, he only has an annoying personality, and is probably clueless that he is annoying you (even after you tell him to leave you alone.) You should expect that you will work with annoying people for the rest of your working life. I find it easier to detach from conflicts as they occur in the office and start each new day as if the conflicts never occurred. People will always make annoying comments. It is appropriate however to tell him (at the time) that you do not like his comment or behavior.

It helps to analyze your reactions to his behavior and find ways to work with him. Discuss incidents with your manager when your coworker does something unethical or the incident escalates to fighting (arguments.)

Some day, you might find yourself in his situation, trying to save your job when a colleague makes you look bad and wants you to lose your job. Perspective is necessary here.

Enjoy? Perhaps. Between having to deal with near-daily WTF-inducing comments and behaviour from Keanu, plus his slackerly job performance that been noticed not only by me, but the manager too, I'm not going to go out of my way to help him keep his job when he has demonstrated that he does not give a damn about maintaining a pleasant work environment or improving his performance. I've helped him in the beginning, but very little of what I've shown him has stuck. Then for him to make snide remarks at me when the job is stressful enough as it is? No, I will not be crying over his departure.

Maybe he should move on to a different job that'll suit his attitude and skill level more. I'll extend my sympathies to his future co-workers.

I also have a co-worker as you describe Keanu. She annoys me everyday and starts arguments with everyone.

I don't understand the comment about going out of your way to help him keep his job. Why don't you concentrate on your work instead of his work? Unless you are his supervisor, you really don't need to be concerned about his work performance.

Detach from his comments. If you begin to show a resentful attitude towards him (no matter how you perceive his work performance), you are also likely to be fired for not getting along with co-workers. I'm not really trying to be harsh here, but you give Keanu too much control over your emotions. He is just a person that you have to see for 8 hours a day. You will work with many more Keanus during your working years.

It sounds to me like he is an ASD. And he's in sales. I think anyone here could tell you right away that that wouldn't be the best place for someone with this syndrome - especially considering the severity he seems to exibit.

I would considering telling him outright that you find his comments too personal and intrusive. Tell him not to speak to you unless it has to do with work. Tell him you find his jokes inappropriate and you do not want him to joke with you anymore.

Whether he's fired or not is not your call, but it sounds like his behavior is crossing boundaries and there is nothing wrong with expanding those boundaries as far as you are able and then drawing them in stone for him. Be very direct and literal or he may not understand, however.

So Keanu got into the manager's ear first? This doesn't seem to fit with social naivety to me. How would he be oblivious to the inappropriate nature of his encounters with you but also make sure he got his side of the story across to the boss first? He does sound atypical in his behaviour but I can't help but sense a slight malice in the events you've described. My opinion is no doubt coloured by my crappy experiences last year though.