Power and status

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These two things have always dismayed me because I don't understand them and I don't know how to deal with them. My ex-husband was a university professor and entrepreneur, and it always made me uncomfortable if someone deferred to me because of it, just as it irritates me when people dismiss me or talk down to me because I don't come across in a "powerful" way. Which is a fairly common occurrence, by the way. People make a decision about me to the effect that I'm not someone they need to pay much attention to, based on some unspoken clue or another, and our relationship is forever fixed from that moment on.

It especially irritates me when men talk down to me simply because I'm female.

It does seem like society runs on power and status, and I find that upsetting. I have created socially awkward situations because I apparently didn't recognize someone's status, and they were offended.

Anyone else care to comment?

You shouldn't let it bother you so much or internalize it - in fact it's fun to offend people like that because they deserve it.

Anything specific that triggered this?

I have always been confused by these things too and never played the heirarchy game properly, not kissing or kicking the right butts and showing appropriate sense of my 'place' in the social order.

I used to be a moderately suiccessful DJ and fawning behaviour because I was a DJ always confused me, to my mind I was as important as the ravers who worked up a sweat to my set, we needed each other, for me it was all about a communality an egalatarianism. The huge ego's of international 'stars' I worked with seemed so stupid to me.

I see my disengagement in this area as a good thing, it is a fairly primative aspect of the human psyche anyway.

As for the gender based thing - go figure? folks are strange are strange are strange...

I guess men who are insecure about their status need to kick down on someone and women are easy to do it to, or conversely they are a word in the superior mans ear if they groom the relevant woman appropriately.

peace j

I think "power" and "status" are big things to very little people, people who have little else to offer and think people should respect them because they have "power" or "status".

I have found myself in those situations, and I have learned people who disregard you because the way you look/behave is people not worth it. Usually it is just vain people who cannot see past their nose. I do not like that people anyway.

I specially dislike men who disregard you because you are female. I do not want to get involved with any of those men anyway (except my father - unfortunately I cannot help being involved with him, and yes, he has 4 daughters and is chauvinist - I just ignore him because that proves how ignorant he is)

I had a boss once who wanted people to call him "doctor" because he had a PhD, but was a PhD in business, he was not a doctor. That kind of people has such little self-esteem that need to grab from things like that to feel they are someone. I really feel bad for them.

Power and Status... I don't have any problem understanding them, I think they're fairly straight forward. I also think the behaviors that relate to them is fairly straight forward and easy to see through.

My problem was always that I couldn't respect the people Ilka refers to as 'little people' when they sucker up to the powerful and those who have status. I was surrounded with these mediocre types most of my childhood and early teens, and I refused to see them as above me, which I showed by acting as their equal. Acting as equal to those who have low self esteem is a provocation, and of course they wouldn't have none of my rebellion, so I was shunned.

It was the same even in 1.st grade. I could see the games certain kids played and how the other kids were being played, so I tried to out the players which of course just made them target me and have their followers shun me. I think it's been part of my personality from early on. I would have horrible power struggles with my step mother who demanded complete obedience ("Don't ask, just do what I say!") and who couldn't understand why I didn't display the kinds of emotions of love, attachment and gratitude that she wanted and expected from me.

So yeah, I was pretty much an outcast during my teens. But I didn't want to play the usual games in society, which to me seemed like one ongoing hard work for the established and the common. I wanted to do something more.

I recognize what Carole mentions about men and people with status automatically thinking we're meak and unimportant because we're female and don't have social status. It's very annoying! I do know how to assert myself though, but I often choose not to. I may change that in the future, but for now I'll just sit back and observe.

Ilka,

it isn't only little people who think power and status matters. It actually does matter to everybody, if you want to have influence. But it is the 'little people' who makes you loath it all because they have a certain twisted admiration that's got nothing to do with genuine respect. Sadly there're also people with power and status who engage in this kind of superficial person-worship crap.
The businessman you mention (your former boss) is a good example of this. And he's the kind of person who'll make "little" people even more eager to follow suit.

Carole,

I agree with Grisha. Don't let it get to you! They're not worth it.

If you have to be around people like that for some reason, there will probably be ways to change the way they behave. - One way to start might be to be more "aggressive", and don't be afraid of making mistakes. You probably will, but mistakes get forgotten, even if we don't think they will. And receiving respect is worth a few mistakes and a period with a bit more anxiety.

When you have the kinds of experiences where people get upset because of something you do or say, remember the situation and analyze what went on once you're back home and/or alone.
You may also consider borrowing a couple of books on your local library (or buy them, if you have an economy that allows it) on topics about these things. There' plenty of books on f.x. how people have gained power. They're meant to be self help books for those who want power themselves, but they tell just as much, if not more, about the way people with power and status think, how they live, the "dos and don'ts". Books on sociology and common social stuff can be helpful too. - I'm a woman, but I learned a lot from a book I read at a male friend's during a week I spend there when I was ill. One of my female friends mentioned another book named Too nice for your own good (<-- link), by Duke Robinson. I mention this to you, because often when we don't receive common respect it is because others see us as "too nice".

I get very intimidated by people in a power position. eg. bosses. Normally I feel intimidated by NTs, so add power to it and I almost can't function. Words don't come out right etc. Its terrible.

"just as it irritates me when people dismiss me or talk down to me because I don't come across in a "powerful" way. Which is a fairly common occurrence, by the way. People make a decision about me to the effect that I'm not someone they need to pay much attention to, based on some unspoken clue or another, and our relationship is forever fixed from that moment on."

Dictionary.com "mar·gin·al·ize   /ˈmɑrdʒənlˌaɪz/ Show Spelled[mahr-juh-nl-ahyz] Show IPA
verb (used with object), -ized, -iz·ing.
to place in a position of marginal importance, influence, or power: the government's attempts to marginalize criticism and restore public confidence."

This is WHY I picked my name here: MsMarginalized...I too have suffered from it my entire life. Funny, but it started out in my "family of origin" continued on through ALL my school years and even to the workplace. Now it's gone full circle & my "family of origin" are now shunning me b/c they don't believe I have AS!

I have been mentally evaluating all my relationships this summer. And I'm about ready to jettison those people who are no better than the dog doo I stepped in.

It's all very well to not worry about it, but when your job is in a power structure run by people who do, that's serious stuff. Universities, generally, seem to be run by people who are very conscious of status and of the signs that confirm it.

Of course, discriminating against aspies on account of their idiosyncratic behaviour is probably illegal, but just try being the aspie who calls them on it. That's serious stuff too.

No, I don't have an answer. Changing the culture has the most potential, but it's a hundred year sort of project.

If they were offended by your failure to recognise their status, then they are/were not very confident in that status.

The more insecure they are, the more they will 'need' to display and enforce that status on others, whether male or female.
Those who are genuinely secure will not feel the requirement to impose it on others.

Those are very wise words.

i understand that, if i see a police car i start to panic immediately.