Page 1 of 2 [ 16 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

NowWhat
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 102
Location: PNWet

17 Jul 2011, 1:49 am

My son likes watching star wars videos on youtube, and playing lego starwars on the computer. When we kick him off the computer, he starts whining that he is bored and there is nothing to do. We make suggestions for things he could do like read a book, play with the dog, ride his bike, play with his legos etc. He keeps whining and says he doesn't want to do those things. It's pretty much the same thing at meal times, he doesn't want what we've made and starts whining. Any suggestions on how to handle these situations?



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

17 Jul 2011, 2:19 am

When my parents interrupted my introverted musings, the reason and what I was expected to do instead were explicitly stated.

For example, occasionally my father would turn off the TV and command me to go ride my bike because I had been inside too long and needed exercise.

Or my mother would tell me to go take the dog on a walk because she had been inside all day.

What you are essentially doing is taking something away from your son, not giving him a logical reason, and making suggestions he do other things (for no apparent reason) which he does not find nearly as entertaining.



purchase
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Feb 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,385

17 Jul 2011, 2:28 am

It seems like if you just let the whining go on long enough eventually he'll grow sick of whining and do something else that resembles his favorite computer activities but happen in the real, non-computer world.



momsparky
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,831

17 Jul 2011, 8:42 am

purchase wrote:
It seems like if you just let the whining go on long enough eventually he'll grow sick of whining and do something else that resembles his favorite computer activities but happen in the real, non-computer world.


Yeah, well, I've tried that approach...my son, like many kids with AS, has an amazing ability to stick to whining as the alternate option and can keep it up for months if necessary. My son's biggest issue is rigidity. It's as though he's going through life with a pair of binoculars permanently affixed (and the corresponding gear for his ears.) This means his brain fixates on one thing at a time, and he's unable to think of anything else to do...and also unwilling to do anything new.

If you think about video games, they are computer programs with an extremely rigid set of outcomes; it's no wonder people on the spectrum like them: you play the game enough times, it creates a nice, predictable little activity where you don't have to do any bending or compromising. (We did go through a period where DS would play for two minutes and then melt down because he didn't want to have to learn how to win, he wanted it to be automatic.) It's a nice place to visit, but you can't live there.

"Bored" means many things to my son. It can mean uncomfortable, scared, frustrated, annoyed, overwhelmed...but it rarely means what I mean when I say bored. We try to find ways to link the things he does like with newer things to make the transition easier., For instance, with Star Wars there's a Star Wars cookbook, or a Star Wars scooter or bike; Amazon has Star Wars tents (search "Star Wars" and click "outdoor play" on the sidebar;) things like that. I'm afraid the whining is something we mostly live with, though we do remind him that we don't like it (or don't hear it.)

If you try this, don't expect your son to be enthusiastic about new options, and I wouldn't try to sugar-coat them. Present it more like you're trying to meet him halfway and you expect him to do the same. To make it work, you're going to have to let him know you expect him to stop the screen-time and that this possible substitute is available, and it's the rule. We also have a specific amount of screen time per day, and use a timer so that my son knows what to expect (this doesn't really cut down on whining, but does cut down on meltdowns.)

I tell my son know that it hurts my feelings when he complains about the dinner I made. We're trying to get him to use polite phrases "it's not my taste" instead of "that looks disgusting!" DS often doesn't have a real awareness of how his words affect other people, so we try to gently redirect him.



Annmaria
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Dec 2010
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 555
Location: Ireland

17 Jul 2011, 9:05 am

I have I am bored daily and moaning and going on and on, complaining about everything but never likes it if someone says something he fines upsetting. It might not even been meant to hurt but he picks it up that way. I then have to explain what it really meant.

I am bored statement I thought it was to do with ADHD or maybe its a bit of both. My son is always looking for fun things to do and then complains we dont do anything fun.

He is obsessed with playing pool at the moment and wants me to play it daily or meltdowns. When he makes the statement I am bored I try and find other things for him to do but any suggestions are usually rejected. In the end I just ignore it but then he will tell me that I dont listen to him and I dont love him and everyone hates him etc his life is rubbish and we go on this merry go sometimes for hours, or he might find some distraction. It drives me crazy!

I am sorry I am no help but I think ignoring it and as momsparky suggested reminding him that you dont like it. My son is 13yrs and I cant see it getting any better any time soon.


_________________
A mother/person looking for understanding!


Simonono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2010
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,299

17 Jul 2011, 9:17 am

Sounds like me.



Mama_to_Grace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Aug 2009
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 962

17 Jul 2011, 9:30 am

My daughter is the same. I haven't really found a solution! I don't limit screen time as much as I should because without it this is exactly what she does: whines and complains. I will coax her into another activity like cooking (which she likes), or gardening but her attention span for these activities is no where near what it is for the activities she craves.



ilovemy2boyz
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jul 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

17 Jul 2011, 7:58 pm

I just joined and this is the first thread I've read. OMG, I have a 9 year old that's moved along the spectrum to Asperger's and that's him exactly as well! We give him suggestions and tell him why ("because you haven't exercised yet", "it's a beautiful day and it's great to get the fresh air to ride your bike or skip") but there's constant whining. And his 7 year old severe ADHD brother follows with the whining and arguing. LOL They love Star Wars and obsessed with the droids of the dark side but they constantly pester me to buy more. Like that's going to happen most of the time. :)

Momsparky: I love that analagy you made to rigidity with binoculars! May I use it? It explains it in the most beautifully quirky way. :)

The weather's been bad here for the past week and looks like this coming week is going to be in days too with the exception of tomorrow and maybe Tuesday so it's been a real challenge finding exercise and alternates to video games.



draelynn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,304
Location: SE Pennsylvania

17 Jul 2011, 8:31 pm

More creative Star Wars pasttimes may be in order. There are lots of books at the library on the science of star wars - activity books, craft books, character books, special effect books... luckily Star Wars is pop culture gold in this respect. Just google it and you'll find all sorts of new Star Wars activities for him to do.

Star Wars Games
Legos Star Wars
Lucasarts


At LucasArts he can even find out what it takes to get a job making movies like Star Wars in the Careers section.

The food issue - as long as you aren't serving something he can't eat vs. something he doesn't feel like eating my usually line is 'Fine. Don't eat it. Don't ask for food later though. This is what we are having for dinner. This isn't a restaurant." That will start a tantrum, especially the first time but I find that it does get the point across. It's a hang tough moment - putting all that patience and calm centered voice into action. It may even require going to bed without supper once or twice. I'd just make sure that you have something you KNOW he likes on that plate before you try this. This isn't something to try to force new foods or to overcome true sensory issues. It's only for being picky choosy.

With my daughter, she has the option - if she doesn't like what we are eating she can go make her own meal. We make sure we have easy to prepare things for her. My daughters palate is extremely limited so more times than not she is making her own dinner. I will not prepare it for her but I did give her all the instruction and assistance she needed while learning to make her own food. It's nothing fancy - nothing on the stove - and it has saved a world of headaches at dinnertime. We supplement with vitamins, we constantly introduce new foods but forcing her to try them won't work. The BEST method we found at getting her to try new foods - other kids. If other kids introduce her to something new she jumps at the chance to try it. It's a blow to the parental ego but whatever works!



Mama_to_Grace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Aug 2009
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 962

17 Jul 2011, 9:02 pm

momsparky
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,831

17 Jul 2011, 9:44 pm

ilovemy2boyz wrote:
IMomsparky: I love that analagy you made to rigidity with binoculars! May I use it? It explains it in the most beautifully quirky way. :)


:D Of course you may! (We even went so far as to purchase a pair of these http://www.sourcingmap.com/black-adjust ... 33940.html for SPED meetings; I have a feeling the gym teacher really needs the perspective.)

I think the above suggestions are great: I've found it's all about meeting them at their starting point and slowly drawing them towards yours.



Todesking
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,088
Location: Depew NY

18 Jul 2011, 12:01 am

I was never bored when I was little. I always had my match box cars, Planet of the Apes Action figures, and Star Wars action figures I would send hours playing or making sets made out of cardboard. If you gave me a big cardboard box I would tgake it apart and draw whole city scapes on it so I could drive my cars on it. I would spend hours doing it I would look up and five hours have gone by and I did not notice. I was in my own world of my creation. I miss those days like you would not believe. :wink:


_________________
There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die -Hunter S. Thompson


NowWhat
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 102
Location: PNWet

18 Jul 2011, 10:00 am

Thanks for all the replies, I feel better knowing others are dealing with the same things.

The thing that frustrates me with the whining is that he doesn't do it at school, so I feel like it's something we are doing as parents. We try ignoring it, but he is persistant. He will call Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom for 20 minutes when he is ready to get out of the bathtub and wants a towel. He's been talked to about it, all he has to do is walk 4 feet to get a towel, or lay one out before getting in the tub. But he is sooo rigid in some things. We've sent him to bed without meals because he won't eat what we make, or made him make his own dinner We are trying to get him more flexible for social situations. And then there are times he is perfect.

Todesking: I can remember playing by myself, or outside with the neighborhood kids day after day without much supervision. Parent's would yell for their kids to come home for dinner. Things have definitely changed.



draelynn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,304
Location: SE Pennsylvania

18 Jul 2011, 10:35 am

Scripting... my advice, especially for the mom,mom,mom,mom thing is scripting!

Talk to him long before his bath time about changing his bathtime routine. Tell him tonight we are going to let you get clean and dry the grown up way. Tonight, you are going to try to get out of the shower by yourself and dry off, and wrap the towel around yourself. And then reminders - hon, go choose the towel you are going to use tonight. Half hour warning before shower time along with - is your towel ready? Getting in - make sure the towel is within easy reach - use a stool or something to bring it closer if you think that will help along with a recount of the steps we are changing tonight. Then, see what happens. Obviously, it may not work the first time but keep at.

With our daughter - this started as the steps of taking a shower step 1, step 2,etc... then we moved onto the getting out part. She is up to getting out and getting toweled and is just moving onto the bathrobe by herself. The tying part is a dyspraxia issue for her so we don't pressure her there - we just keep trying. But, at 9, she is cleaning herself on her own! Soon enough she'll be able to keep to the shower schedule without prompting too. She already reminds us about shower nite.

Lots and lots and lots of scripting. Maybe the dinnertime issue will work too... talk to him about what you having long before dinner time. It requires lots of preplanning on your part but if he knows what he will be eating for dinner at breakfast time, he may not get his own idea of what he wants for dinner and fight you on it. If he follows the Aspie norm, if you present something as a 'rule' he'll be more likely to follow it. If dinner is always preplanned - and maybe he has a hand in helping plan them - it becomes a 'rule'.



momsparky
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,831

18 Jul 2011, 10:52 am

NowWhat wrote:
The thing that frustrates me with the whining is that he doesn't do it at school, so I feel like it's something we are doing as parents. We try ignoring it, but he is persistant. He will call Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom for 20 minutes when he is ready to get out of the bathtub and wants a towel.


This is absolutely common, we (sometimes) have it, too - you are his safe place, where he can be himself: think of it as an underhanded compliment. Bad behavior at home vs good behavior at school means you're doing a good job having a home where he feels safe and comfortable. You are getting hit with all the whining he suppresses while he's at school.

Think of reducing whining by teaching him gradually as the next step, and expect it to be a long road.

I have to laugh about the towel...we still have that at age 11. We try to make sure he's prepared BEFORE he goes into the bathroom, but sometimes he sneaks past us or isn't honest and then we get the calling thing. If it really bothers you, try making him check off the steps like draelynn described on a visual checklist.