I've been trying to figure things out for a while....

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And not doing a very good job of it. I'm honestly kind of confused....and this is not the kind of thing I thought I'd ever "talk" about online but I haven't got anyone else I can talk to. So here I am.

I've done what I was always told I'm supposed to do, what I was expected to do.

When I went on my first (and so far only) date, it was with a guy. When I had my first (and then my second) relationship, I had a boyfriend. When those boyfriends started looking for it, that was the end of those relationships. Because I've never felt any kind of physical attraction to any guy, ever.

Other girls, now sure, that's a different story (a short one though, because I've never acted on any of those attractions).

And now I have a problem, because I can't do what is expected of me anymore. All of the very straight girls I went to school with are now getting married to "nice young men" and having babies. (If what has happened in the past holds true, by the time I have my college degree, they'll all be divorced anyway.)

I don't want to marry a man, because I've yet to find one that I like and I probably never will. And I certainly don't ever want to have kids.

My parents used to joke about it; that if I "don't start going on dates with boys, people will think I'm gay" and other comments like that. I'm not quite sure what my parents and sister think of me...there are not that many almost-19-year-olds walking around who have never kissed anybody and who have never done it. And more recently the "when will you get married?" questions have started up again.

As weird as this is going to sound, I think I've always considered myself straight because that's what I was told I should be. Even when I had a "crush" on a female classmate once, I never thought of myself as anything else but "straight". I must be totally stupid. I don't know what might happen if I told my family any of this, and right now I don't feel any need to. I'm trying to figure thing's out myself.

So that's pretty much it. I don't know what to do.

I think you're most of the way there already.

The coming out process - and it sounds like that's what you're going through - is gradual. There's a big moment when you suddenly accept it, but it takes a while to reach that point. It took me a year after starting to think about sex and relationships to realise something was wrong, then most of the next year to figure out what it was, and even when I figured out I was gay it took me a couple of months to accept that it wasn't a choice.

Eventually you might want to come out to family and friends. That's later. First you need to come out to yourself, and learn to accept that. It's a big shift in how you see yourself and how you fit into the world. But it's worth it.

What to do?

(1) First, you might not be gay. It's possible. It sounds unlikely to me, but you could do what I did - try it out. Go to the bars and clubs. Meet other people socially. Find out how you feel about it.

(2) Second, you need to accept that you don't have any choice about your sexuality. If you're gay, you're gay. If you're straight, you're straight. There's a whole wealth of wriggle-room in the middle, but ultimately if you're attracted to girls rather than boys then you're not going to change that. Up to you whether you accept that or fight your own desires for the rest of your life.

(3) Third, don't rush into anything. If you're not ready for something, take your time. Don't be afraid to take the odd risk, try new things... but don't do something you really don't want to do.

(4) Finally, keep in touch with this group. Share your thoughts and feelings - we all need someone to talk to about stuff like this, and sometimes a bit of anonymity is very helpful.

You could simply be asexual but biromantic. Or bisexual. Or in the sexual grey area.

Good luck though. I'm still a bit confused myself, but I have narrowed it down. It's a great feeling to have an idea rather than nothing.

Yeah, my first thought was that you were asexual, but then you mentioned the women.

Jonsi lays out some options. There is a lot more to sexuality and gender and relationships and such than gay/straight/bi. Way more.

If your journey is anything like mine, you may end up thinking you're one thing, then discovering you were wrong and are actually some other type, but then finding out that you're actually a combination of this and that... and it could go on.

Best advice is to do what you feel like doing and try to forget as much as possible what you are "supposed" to be doing.

Also, regardless of orientation or whatever, people harping on you about marriage is insane; even moreso when the target is 19. Anyone who is doing this to you is a negative influence, I believe. Ignore them. Let them get married and you do what you want to do.

Thanks for the replies everyone. You've all given me a lot to think about.

Until recently, I had no idea that there was more to it than that.



Excellent advice. Thank you.



Small town "drama." Getting married at 18 and 19 around here is so normal that it's expected and even encouraged. I always thought it was stupid, because most of the people who do get married and have kids that soon end up divorced and married to someone else within a few years. I just graduated from high school in may of last year and I was pretty shocked by how many of my former classmates got married and turned up pregnant before I started college that August.

Personally, I think it's best for me to wait until I've got thing's figured out. As I've had to tell my mom and a few others, I didn't decide to go to college just to find a husband there, I'm doing it because I want the education and the degree. So I'm going to be trying my best to ignore what people are saying.

Hello, Dessie. I'm new to this site, so I don't know if my input will be of any use to you. But as gay male, I hope my advice will offer some food for thought on your ordeal.

I want to comment on marriage.

As a homosexual male myself, and in a confirmed relationship, I strive to earn marriage rights for my boyfriend and I. That doesn't mean that we will go out and get hitched the moment it becomes legal in my state, it just means that I want to fight for the legal equality.

The reason for that mentality, that I fight for something I don't yet want is that marriage ia not something to be playful about.

Religion aside, speaking (writting?) purely from an emotional-social viewpoint, I believe that for anyone, saying "I Do" should last for the better part of life, hence, "Til death do us part".

The subject of marriage has, not in recent years alone, become something of youth's plaything.

Decades ago, the mere thought of a divorcee was horrorfying. Happy little housewives were "supposed" to make happy little homes for their happy little families.

I think a lot of women, both straight and gay, were forced into cookie-cutter ideals because of the general mentality that era had. Being squeezed into someone else's mold is never comfortable.

Times change, and here in the present, a woman no longer "Needs" a husband to become a functioning member of society. If you ever choose to marry, never let it be because people say you're "supposed to". Nor should you mary someone because "they love you".

Let it be a totally mutual agreement between you and your partner, whether they are a he or a she, or something else entirely.

Who you love, who you marry, or who you don't is not up for me to decide, or anyone in your town, or anyone in your family. That decsion is yours and your future partner's alone.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with begin single for another twenty years. That's just another option.

I've spent way too much of my life trying to do what is expected of me, and screwed up in many areas as a consequence because it wasn't what I wanted to do.
So spend the time you need trying to figure things out for yourself - it's time well spent.

Put parents and others off the boyfriend/marriage thing by saying that you're not even thinking of getting married til at least 30. Repeat it every time you get asked. after a while (months) they'll stop asking and you have the freedom to work out your sexuality without that particular pressure.

Dessie....

older gay male here...... married a straight woman to appear normal, have 3 great kids.
have been miserable forever. Pretty much ruined her life too.

do what's right for you. if that's loving women , men or just being on your own....... explore your options and do what feels right to you. no one else has to life with you but you.