are you married/in a relantionship/kids/friends

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felinesaresuperior
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30 Jul 2011, 2:33 am

i'm 45, female, never been married, never had more than a one night stand, which i've given up for the last thirteen years or something. had friends for a few months at a time, didn't feel right around them, didn't spend much time with them, didn't keep them for more than a few months, went for decades without friends, given up on that for the last seventeen years or so, never had kids, went for nine years being totally alone with absolutely no one (because i went to live in another country) and kind of felt comfortable this way most of the time.
the only one i care about in this world is my brother and three nieces. i see them once a week and they live six minutes walking distance from my house. i don't like being around my parents, never did, but then we never got along. my sister lives far and i see her once every two weeks or three with my nephew. i like being around her, and i'm glad to see my five and a half year old nephew, but get tired of him real quick.
have you ever been married, or in a relationship? how did it go? how is it with your kids, do you enjoy their company or want to run away sometimes? what about friends? have any? feel right being around them? ever been completely alone? for how long? did it bother you?



BN1111
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30 Jul 2011, 3:30 am

Hi there and thanks for being so honest. :0) It's something we aspies can tend to take for granted in one another since it is just "our way". Which brings me to my response . . .

I am 36 years old and was just married (no prior marriages) last month. I didn't think it would ever happen because my "criteria" in someone I'd like to spend a lot of time with seemed to be hard to come by in Los Angeles.

I was a celibate monk for almost 10 years, starting at the age of 18. I was very devoted to my "religion" at the time and though we were permitted to date within it, I never found the right person - well - I had interests in a few but hadn't a clue as to how to approach them and would clam up when having to face them (you're welcome to read my blog to hear more about this, link is below).

Once I left the religion I was clueless. The first person I dated was a major celebrity that was courting me. Not the best situation for a first adult relationship. I thought he was sincere . . . until I saw him in a tabloid magazine on the beach kissing someone else. Aaaand...scene. Honesty, anyone?

I used to see a guy who worked across the street from me and wanted to approach him but didn't know how. I finally wrote a note that said "I think you're cute" and put it on his car. Then I didn't see him for a month. Finally had the nerve to introduce myself (quite awkwardly) then we had dinner. We dated for 5 years, lived together for 3. My only real relationship before the one I'm in now. Had to break up because I didn't like being criticized for only reading non-fiction books, only watching documentaries and not liking social situations. I didn't know I had Asperger's then.

My husband and I worked together in 2003 (while I was in my previous relationship). We became instant friends. He's what some would call and "eccentric", which tends to work quite well with an Aspie. We kept in touch on and off through the years, then in 2007 he sent an email inviting me to an event he was hosting (it had a purpose, so I could do it!!). During this time I was having a go at online dating - DISASTER!! ! It's like amazon.com for humans but with no quality control and all used merchandise!! ! I suddenly remembered this friend and realized he was everything I had been hoping for. I went to his event, we reconnected, went on a few dates, and married a few years later! And happy! And he's supportive of my diagnosis and we read books together on it. He read Aspergirls by Rudy Simone on his own which really helped him to understand me and why I don't like loud music, or surprises, or purses, or scratchy clothes, or lots of people. :0)

No kids, only dogs. Their barking is about all I can handle now with the noise factor. Love kids but thinking about possible adoption with an older child . . . if we chose to go down that route.

Have always had one girlfriend at a time. Can't handle more than that. And have had a heck of a time finding women that are into the things I'm into, making it hard for a conversation (which is what NT women tend to like to do). I also hate shopping, gossiping, and I don't drink alcohol or watch TV (unless it's The Dog Whisperer, PBS, or Jon Stewart). I'm always about authenticity and truth. Pretty much leaves me out of the friendship pool. :roll:

Sorry for the novel. :wink:


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Jediyoda
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30 Jul 2011, 3:37 am

Im not married. I havent had a boyfriend for 8 years. I choose to stay single because I feel Im to hard to understand, to demanding and to hard to work out and what man would want to keep up with me anyway and the boyfriends I did have and the men who are attracted to me are weird, strange, possessive, controlling, wild types that I find too weird for me and freak me out. I dont have any children. I am not able to have children.



felinesaresuperior
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30 Jul 2011, 4:26 am

BN1111 - love your "novel". glad you found a true soulmate and the man's best friends. sounds like a happy ending to me.



ChrisP
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30 Jul 2011, 5:24 am

I'm 56, and have been married to my first, last and only girlfriend for 29 years (Well, there was 'Big Bertha', but that didn't last long....). We always seemed well suited to one another: we have had our ups and downs, but are now very content with life together. I was diagnosed Aspie in 2009: it was no surprise when she was diagnosed Aspie the following year. We have a grown-up son, and a Border Collie - you've guessed it: yes, they are Aspie too!

I'm retiring tomorrow on health grounds (too mad to be a Vicar!), and we are moving to France. Aspie heaven awaits: we have a lovely cottage and 1.5 acres of land including our own cider orchard. We have no neighbours, and the only passing traffic is tractors going to the farm further down the lane. Communications-wise it's easy to get to shops and anything else we want to do, but when we are at home, nobody knows we are on the planet unless we want them to!



Lahmacun
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30 Jul 2011, 8:04 am

I am 45 and am now married for the second time. I was a late bloomer in terms of really getting interested in men, but boy, did I make up for lost time once I started having sex! :) Still, I never had any long-term relationships until I was 27, when I met and married my first husband. We were together for seven years, then divorced. I then made up for those years of monogamy once I discovered internet dating, and got enough sex to last me several lifetimes!

I met my current husband six years ago, online, and from our first date we were inseperable. He moved in about two weeks after we met, and we got married almost three years ago. We are very happy. Since we met, I found out that I have Aspergers, which has helped our relationship enormously.

I wasn't able to have children, for some inexplicable medical reason. Both my ex-husband and my current husband each have two children from previous marriages, so I've had years of experience of being the ignored stepmother whose husband(s) are still on the hook for child support. Neither of my husbands wanted/want to adopt or foster, so I'm SOL on that front. This was hard for me, but perhaps it was best for my mental health not to have had children. I don't know.

I, too, only read non-fiction and enjoy documentaries, and don't have many female friends. I don't like shopping and talking about clothes, makeup and celebrities is boring, so I usually enjoy talking to older people about politics, psychology, and social issues.

I had to compensate for my AS by studying human behavior and mimicking it until it felt automatic, if not natural. Hence, my interest in psychology and world cultures (I have an MA in Social Anthropology). Guys could never really figure me out...I look good enough and like to have sex, but don't/can't play stupid manipulative head games that many women play in sexual politics.



OJani
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30 Jul 2011, 2:39 pm

Currently I'm not in a relationship. I happened to have my first relationship with a girl when I was 36, it lasted for about a year. I can tell you, I was in love like a teenager for the first time in my life!

Unfortunately, this relationship was doomed by the differences in our personalities. Her utter paranoia and disdain towards my family, intolerance against the way I think, overwhelming obsessiveness with money, lack of independence (reliance on her mother's advice in her every move), ignorance, too literal (!) and opinionated thinking, narcissism, and my lack of experience made the parting inevitable. Although I was too passive at times, did meltdownish yells, maybe said hurtful words that I regret very much (I was so stressed that most of it I just couldn't help), I'm quite sure I was nowhere near such a mean demeanour she imposed on me.

Only a week ago I had to formally break up a two month relationship after I felt I was inexplicably ignored too long, as if the other party would have been reluctant to impart the intelligence she would rather finish this relationship. Although I'm not sure about it, it might have something to do with my problems with kissing and sexual aptness, apparently both being the result of my sensory issues. :(


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OddFinn
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31 Jul 2011, 3:55 am

I'm 44. I was married for 19 years. The last 5 years the relationship was really bad and finally we divorced. My ex and I have four children, the 1st of them being already an adult.

After the divorce, I was single for a while. Dated a few different women, the longest relationship being about 5 months.

Now I am again married, and my current wife is pregnant. She has one child from a previous relationship, who is living with us.

I don't have many close friends.

I miss the children who are now living with my ex. I meet some of them more often than others.


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aspiecpa
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01 Aug 2011, 1:24 pm

Going through life wondering why everyone else can't notice all of the small details that to me are unescapable has been a tremendous journey. Being happily married, I am working to develop coping skills to not let my view dictate my life at the expense of my relationship with my wife. To that end, can anyone offer support for teaching her to understand me and work with me in ways that I can comprehend. For example, I have repeatedly requested that she only ask one question at a time as I cannot process two or more questions being asked. Yet she continues to ask multiple questions and becomes angry with me when I ask her to stop.



ocdgirl123
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01 Aug 2011, 2:09 pm

I am not interested in being in a relationship at this point, but I might be later in life, same with children. I do have friends however, I have 2 really close friends and about 6 casual friends. However, they are older than me, I tend to get along better with adults than my peers for some reason.


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Tuttle
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01 Aug 2011, 2:18 pm

I'm 22, and am in a relationship, living with my boyfriend of over four years. It's going well. There are challenges from the fact that we're both aspies, but only that are entirely worth working around. Relationships aren't impossible for aspies. :)



Artros
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01 Aug 2011, 2:27 pm

I'm 21 and have not been in a "serious" relationship (I was in one, but that didn't last two weeks). I have no clue how to initiate such contact, so I don't really see anything forthcoming.



felinesaresuperior
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01 Aug 2011, 2:50 pm

you're making me blue. seems like everyone is or has been in at least one relationship if not more. i'm the only one who never did. artros is only 21, so there's still hope yet... ocdgirl has two close friends and six others and might be interested in a relationship later. everyone else has been or is married. i'm the only one who was never in a real relationship and never kept friends.
maybe my asperger syndrom is more severe than most, or maybe it effects each person differently.



OJani
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01 Aug 2011, 2:55 pm

aspiecpa wrote:
Going through life wondering why everyone else can't notice all of the small details that to me are unescapable has been a tremendous journey. Being happily married, I am working to develop coping skills to not let my view dictate my life at the expense of my relationship with my wife. To that end, can anyone offer support for teaching her to understand me and work with me in ways that I can comprehend. For example, I have repeatedly requested that she only ask one question at a time as I cannot process two or more questions being asked. Yet she continues to ask multiple questions and becomes angry with me when I ask her to stop.

Welcome to WP!

I think she should learn more about autism and autistics (books, articles, counselor, psych), but first accept that the difference you have is real and both of you should work on those coping skills, not only you.



LostUndergrad9090
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01 Aug 2011, 3:02 pm

I was pretty good at meeting girls when I was younger. Around the age of 15 I had i think 7 girlfriends or so and a bunch of girls I messed around with until the age of 18 to 19. Then I met my ex, the way I initiated our relationship was when I was drunk and hit on her. I remember hitting on her by opening her coat and telling how good she looked. Then I kissed her on the forehead like ten minutes later while we were sitting on my friends futon, in retrospect it is kinda crazy. I have never really had time to think about that. Kinda liberating? At the time I wouldn't say I am exactly who I am today, so that is probably why I did what I did. Now I could see my self isolated on a couch somewhere realizing that if I did hit a girl that behind that girl is a friendship, and family. And that it is a bigger commitment then I had realized.

Now, I'm too afraid to approach a girl. I think its more so of no confidence and my past, my schooling kinda keeps me in perspective also. My ex didn't like my past at all and I assume the next girl wouldn't. I have also realized through all of my relationships I have chosen a girl out of a group of friends and I guess in essence broke the friendship apart. I don't really know if it was for the good or the bad thing to do. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time and all of the other times. I realized in one relationship by dating this girl I wanted her for myself but didn't realize other stuff but this relationship didn't have the other stuff in it. It was more of just wanting her for myself and it was also a Middle school fling type thing. So these types of things help me to remember when looking for a girlfriend it is more than just love that I am going into.



OJani
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01 Aug 2011, 3:12 pm

felinesaresuperior wrote:
you're making me blue. seems like everyone is or has been in at least one relationship if not more. i'm the only one who never did. artros is only 21, so there's still hope yet... ocdgirl has two close friends and six others and might be interested in a relationship later. everyone else has been or is married. i'm the only one who was never in a real relationship and never kept friends.
maybe my asperger syndrom is more severe than most, or maybe it effects each person differently.

Hmm, I wouldn't give up just yet, there is always a hope you'll find someone with whom you'll be able to connect. Only two years ago I was hopelessly desperate that I hadn't been in a single relationship ever, including one night stands. Today at least I can say I've broken down the barrier to potentially have one. My current state is no more than that. :(