I cant seem to find any true solidarity

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I came here and joined today in the hopes that i could wade through the pain and suffering of others and find mine to be trivial. I have tried this on a few sites and it never works. I feel for the people on here discussing their pain really i do. But i still find just about all of it trivial in comparison to my issues. I apologize if i seem at all self glorifying, self gratifying, self centered, or if i seem to just be wallowing in self pity in this comment. I have had family trouble like everyone else here and i understand how painful that is, but i have experienced things that have made that pain seem absolutely trivial in comparison. I have seen things too horrible for words, so much so that even over the internet, even with complete anonymity i cant address them directly. All i can bring myself to do is say vague things like this and dance around what gives me all this pain. It makes me feel pathetic honestly, but i search and search and i cant find somebody who would understand this kind of pain. I do not mean to discount anyone's suffering as meaningless, pain is pain, i am only saying that it could always be worse, no matter how bad it gets it can always be very much worse, and if and when that worse comes to you then you will understand. I sincerely hope you never have to understand, nobody should have to. I am talking about the kind of pain where when you scream nothing comes out, and the pressure feels like it going to explode your eyes out of your skull. The pain that seems like it cant possibly continue for a second longer but it does and there is no escape you cant shut your eyes to it and you cant look away. It consumes me and it just gets louder and louder until i can't hear my own thoughts, there is no choice but to face it even though i dont have the strength, i dont think anyone does. The kind of pain that will make you go insane, lock yourself up and never see humanity again... i don't have that option though. I have to bear it, i have to carry on, i have to pretend its not there, and smile and act like everything is ok. The truth is i will never be ok again, i was only ok once for a brief period... and then this pain happened. I feel like im walking around with a mortal wound and im just bleeding and bleeding, and i keep looking around to see if there is other people with this kind of wound who are ok and there isn't, theyre all in mental institutions or they committed suicide. I just keep trying to compare the wound and i keep getting the same diagnosis, i am not going to be ok. There is no fixing what has happened to me, no consolation, no comfort to be had. I lost the ability to feel real happiness and have been adjusting to life without it, and it just isn't living. I don't view suicide as an option... so i just have to bear it..... for the rest of my life.

I'm really sorry you've experienced such horrible pain, but I'm not really sure what you're looking for. Are you looking for solidarity with others who have experienced the same thing? Or are you looking for people who have had it even worse than you, so you can feel better about yourself? Or are you looking for other people who have experienced such horrible pain but have survived?

I certainly understand your inability to share details, but you'll probably never find solidarity as long as you can't.

It's true I have not seen things like that. Have you been treated for PTSD?

I can't say I understand without knowing what you've gone through.
I will say it means you're strong if this has happened to you and hasn't broken you like it has others.

Maybe I can help. I've been through a lot. My father is a convicted child molester because he molested my sister and I. I was in foster care because of that and my step-father beat me and my mother wanted to stay with him. My cousin died of aids, I saw my grandmother die in front of me, I was a stripper/prostitute as a teenager until I burned out and broke down and was hospitalized.

I am doing really good I think. There are others in other countries who have gone through worse, being raped and set on fire at eight years old for being a witch comes to mind. There are others who have gone through a lot less and are doing way worse than I am. Others who have gone through more who are doing better than I am. I try not to judge and instead focus on how I can keep getting better and how I can help others.

But it used to make me angry, how little people can care. The social system, relatives, people in general. And it's not like you can go around telling everyone that you've been through horrible things. So, it's not fair but life can still be good and you can come to terms with injustice to where it doesn't kill you.

And it's true I've seen what I consider whining by people with no perspective on what other people go through. But for each person, they have their own level of tolerance and delusion. I am not immune to that even.

If you can relate to anything I've said, feel free to message me directly.

Oh, and I know what it can be like on message boards. I had a friend who was a male who was molested by his father and we used to talk about how you want people you can relate to, but people seem to think it's a contest of who's had it worse which is stupid. You don't need anyone to tell you it was awful and feel sorry for you. You already know that it was awful. You want people to relate to.

And it's insane. When you go to a message board, there will be people who are faking it and making lies and you wonder why would they want to believe that? And then there are perverts who want are male that private message you trying to be your friend, complimenting you and wanting to hear details. I tend to view the internet on a whole as one large crazy person that can't really offer me much other than information and things to think about.

It would be nice if there were a group, where membership could be verified. Abuse documented and checked (because it is public records) so that you know you are with people you can relate to. But so far, I haven't found anything like that.

Anyway, please don't give up hope. The fact is, there are probably a lot of people here who have gone through similar or worse than what we've gone through that just haven't said anything. It's just not something a lot of people will want to say because they are used to meeting with hostility for it.

You say you have all this pain and nobody knows what its like to have your level pain. Well, there's at least a few.

I was just thinking: How about those who caused such of the harm that you vaguely mention? Having done such things and not able to forgive themselves for it, and it haunting them for the serious consequences? those who have major problems, being the reason for why they do what they do?

I empathize, I fully do so. And I know that it can help, and it is good to see the other person, even the one who caused all the wrong, and to realize and see their own trouble and trauma reasoning that they do not even know themselves why they did what they did. like dictators who you would know from the past who murdered millions, having been beaten by their fathers probably as regularly as they saw their fathers. I am mentioning about compassion. from the worst of the worst deeds done, to the most trivial things, there is a hurt or a very faulty coping mechanism behind it all, that we do not see.
I do not know what you might think of these words. Yet I find them as valid as your own words and sentiments.