did this to self - stuck, masochist much

Post Reply New Topic

My life body soul feels similar to what is a month-to-month rental agreement. I'm a seemingly hollow-shell of who I once was (as I appear externally, with a lack of everything external that people naturally evaluate others by). I've gained vast use-able info by incessant researching. I sought how to be separate and travel without "their" papers, I know legal-ese (more than most words have a completely different meaning in legal communication, that's how they judges/lawyers hide their theft and fraud). I know contracts, where, how jurisdiction is gained (no contract with "them", no obligation, if there is no injured party there's no reason to be regulated). and I know personally some helpful intelligent nice people who travel in their own un-aided manner and have minimal problems.. .
But I never have had the faith to DO what I have gained and have had the opportunity to utilize and take the risk. Now, having been without a job for 3.5 years, even with some work history for retail and such basic jobs, cant apply these solutions I sought 4 yrs. During those 3.5 years, I was not living, only reading researching and watching the dynamic world turn while I sat back and looking into my small small frame of view for what I was looking for.
I hardly think of actually going out to apply for work, I truly think others will see right through me and how defeated and lowly I am, or I won't be able to play whatever game or communicate in whatever manner like move my face or how to put together wording other than formal-like, so no manager even at a minimum wage job will like to hire me. I've abandoned hated all of my needs like an ascetic steadily in my past and now only have food and barely clothes to wear and a bed to sleep in. At least I have that. But that isn't living. I've only started to realize in any true form that life is about relationship during this year (I've always liked the notion of my own that communication is merely in order to exchange information). I know I need to DO, that I have all the information that I need and wanted to move forward and yet because of past trauma and I guess some learned helplessness, and without much of those external physical things I don't have enough to appear decent nor much faith to be in motion to ask for help... And without movement, we know where that leads to (nothing good).

I Expanded this post

I know the feeling of living on a month-to-month lease. It's caused by no hope in the future. So is the rejecting of all material needs. In some cases it's spiritually therapeutic but humans are material beings in a material world and they need THINGS. You are denying yourself things you NEED in every sense.

As for taking risks... all I can say is... I came to the point where I had NO faith in the future and therefore nothing to lose and then felt free to take risks. And I gained things and no longer feel on the monthly life-lease, not most of the time anyway. Is that something you feel able to do maybe? Do you feel at the point where you can only gain from risking?

On a practical level: none of this could have occurred without medication, an antidepressant/anti-OCD medicine in particular.

I've felt like this some time ago, but I've learned that when everything seems hopeless and you feel like you're in the bottom, theres no way but up!

Thanks, ladies. It helps me, what you have wrote. I can get all in the midst of what is not working and it being so convoluted, it's like I can't tell which way is up anymore. Some seemingly basic things said to me, and yet there is this veil so that otherwise being told, I wouldnt be aware of some things.
I heard an old friend mention the same thing, about "only gain through risking" the other day. Yet I dont relate much with others often, so any imput from another is good.
I need to process what was said