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Grisha
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31 Jul 2011, 8:06 am

I am relatively high-functioning economically but have the serious social deficits that many of us have.

Sometimes it seems that many people (even fellow Aspies/Auties) simply cannot grasp the contradiction that this implies: that one can be both gifted and disabled at the same time.

It makes me feel extremely pressured to try and be "NT" and I often feel I am rejected as a friend/romantic interest when I (naturally) fall short of the mark. Leaving me feeling isolated, lonely, and misunderstood.

If I was lower functioning, I feel that people would cut me some slack and paradoxically might be given more opportunities to develop socially/romantically.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense...



Last edited by Grisha on 31 Jul 2011, 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

aspi-rant
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31 Jul 2011, 8:08 am

it makes sense... join the club.



swbluto
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31 Jul 2011, 8:12 am

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional

True, true as far as the expectations go. People generally expect "consistency" in a person and if there's some kind of incongruity, you're just plain weird or whatever other negative label that's appropriate to the situation (I.e., if you're smart and you're unproductive with writing, english teachers might consider you "lazy".). Although, I don't honestly think lower functioning autistics are given "more slack" in romance, though I could understand the amount of people who'd be intellectually compatible would be higher thus there'd be a greater chance of finding someone who'd be more interpersonally compatible with your autistic characteristics.



Tahitiii
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31 Jul 2011, 8:47 am

Grisha wrote:
If I was lower functioning, I feel that people would cut me some slack and paradoxically might be given more opportunities to develop socially/romantically.


Nope. Nobody gets a break. If you were lower functioning, they would dehumanize you, which would not only limit you in social/romantic areas, but also in practical, economic areas. And possibly in your most basic human rights and self-determination. If you can't fake it, you don't deserve to be treated like a human being at all.



Grisha
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31 Jul 2011, 9:03 am

Tahitiii wrote:
Grisha wrote:
If you can't fake it, you don't deserve to be treated like a human being at all.


Well, it certainly seems like that sometimes, but I see so many people here on WP doing reasonably well in this regard that I wonder why I'm having such difficulty...



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31 Jul 2011, 9:07 am

Tahitiii wrote:
Grisha wrote:
If I was lower functioning, I feel that people would cut me some slack and paradoxically might be given more opportunities to develop socially/romantically.


Nope. Nobody gets a break. If you were lower functioning, they would dehumanize you, which would not only limit you in social/romantic areas, but also in practical, economic areas. And possibly in your most basic human rights and self-determination. If you can't fake it, you don't deserve to be treated like a human being at all.


This.

I used to wish I was lower functioning for the reasons you mentioned; then I realised lower-functioning people don't have it any easier.


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Sora
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31 Jul 2011, 1:07 pm

swbluto wrote:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional

True, true as far as the expectations go. People generally expect "consistency" in a person and if there's some kind of incongruity, you're just plain weird or whatever other negative label that's appropriate to the situation (I.e., if you're smart and you're unproductive with writing, english teachers might consider you "lazy".).


Wow, this is such a great way to put it into words. This happened to me a lot in my life already!

Some people plainly cannot accept that I can do one thing, but not the other. I don't know why they care?

They get crazy about it though. Trying to explain me, physically threatening me to make me fit their expectations even plotting how to "teach" me something they think a normal human person must know.

I just never understood why they bothered. I joke about that it's as if they need to explain my behaviour to continue living, but it doesn't feel particularly funny to be the object of their ill, twisted interest.

Consistency and incongruity - I got to keep that in mind. I never knew how to explain this before!


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syrella
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31 Jul 2011, 1:19 pm

Sora wrote:
swbluto wrote:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional

True, true as far as the expectations go. People generally expect "consistency" in a person and if there's some kind of incongruity, you're just plain weird or whatever other negative label that's appropriate to the situation (I.e., if you're smart and you're unproductive with writing, english teachers might consider you "lazy".).


Wow, this is such a great way to put it into words. This happened to me a lot in my life already!

Some people plainly cannot accept that I can do one thing, but not the other. I don't know why they care?

They get crazy about it though. Trying to explain me, physically threatening me to make me fit their expectations even plotting how to "teach" me something they think a normal human person must know.

I just never understood why they bothered. I joke about that it's as if they need to explain my behaviour to continue living, but it doesn't feel particularly funny to be the object of their ill, twisted interest.

Consistency and incongruity - I got to keep that in mind. I never knew how to explain this before!


I have a lot of trouble explaining that concept to people, too. They see that I am "smart", so it's very hard for them to understand that I have a lot of difficulties in everyday life. They generalize and assume I should be equally good at everything. While some tasks are easy for me, others can be very challenging and stressful. There are some things that I just can't do. Similarly, there are plenty of topics which they feel I should know about that I am completely ignorant of.

I'll need to keep this in mind for the future.


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31 Jul 2011, 2:15 pm

If you were low functioning, you wouldn't have it better. Sure you might get more sympathy because your average person is trained to focus on superficial cues. If you are presenting alot of superficial autism clues, the person will be more understanding. If you are not but have autism mildly, they may even think you are just playing dumb because how could you be so smart in other areas?

HFA, you do get a chance to at least be rejected.

LFA, your mind isn't on romance. It's on withdrawing to deal with overwhelming environments, stimming, not speaking and someone else in your family or group home looking after your daily needs.



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31 Jul 2011, 4:02 pm

Grisha wrote:
I am relatively high-functioning economically but have the serious social deficits that many of us have.

Sometimes it seems that many people (even fellow Aspies/Auties) simply cannot grasp the contradiction that this implies: that one can be both gifted and disabled at the same time.]


Anybody, with more than a few dendrites, knows that NOBODY is an expert in everything! One thing I found interesting is that I am not fantastic in math. The ONLY subject that can easily be tested, proved, learned, by using it YOURSELF, and I am not good with it! I mean think about it! History is known ONLY by knowing the past. Without external knowledge, GOOD LUCK! Language and social really require someone else. Computer languages require computers, etc... So I can't imagine anyone not understanding the problem.

Grisha wrote:
It makes me feel extremely pressured to try and be "NT" and I often feel I am rejected as a friend/romantic interest when I (naturally) fall short of the mark. Leaving me feeling isolated, lonely, and misunderstood.


The curse of autism. JOIN THE CLUB!

Grisha wrote:
If I was lower functioning, I feel that people would cut me some slack and paradoxically might be given more opportunities to develop socially/romantically.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense...


You're right there, but you would have less ability and desire to do so, people would make it seem they were your friends, etc... when they weren't, and other things would be harder. Oh, and socially you would have more you had to learn. In the long run, you would REGRET it if you got your wish.



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31 Jul 2011, 6:55 pm

I've had to build my self help and social skills up from the ground all over again. It's not better than trying to act 'NT' to please people. You suffer less social anxiety but anxiety of the overwhelming sensory environment is just as bad, especially when people think you're overreacting.
Some skills I haven't got back. I really don't try with people anymore and I'm not happier just less stressed out about that stuff. I'm still stressed out about people thinking I'm not trying hard enough.


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Callista
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31 Jul 2011, 6:58 pm

Er... actually, "LFA" people do fall in love, get married, have kids, etc. Of course this is presuming they have enough communication to tell someone they love them and understand the ideas involved in getting married and such; but once you get enough to know that, then yeah, you can get married.

After all, if Down syndrome people can get married, why not people who are really autistic?


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31 Jul 2011, 7:12 pm

Callista wrote:
Er... actually, "LFA" people do fall in love, get married, have kids, etc. Of course this is presuming they have enough communication to tell someone they love them and understand the ideas involved in getting married and such; but once you get enough to know that, then yeah, you can get married.

After all, if Down syndrome people can get married, why not people who are really autistic?


Agrred, and what of people stuck in the middle?

I indentify with the OP. my verbal language skills are exellent, better then most NT's, with such a vocabulary and knowledge people tend to assume things. And yet, i find things difficult that even my fellow autistics can manage (not without difficulty of course).


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TheygoMew
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31 Jul 2011, 9:04 pm

Callista wrote:
Er... actually, "LFA" people do fall in love, get married, have kids, etc. Of course this is presuming they have enough communication to tell someone they love them and understand the ideas involved in getting married and such; but once you get enough to know that, then yeah, you can get married.

After all, if Down syndrome people can get married, why not people who are really autistic?


Yes, not to say LFA's CAN'T do that. It can happen but I do grow tired of hearing how LFA's have it better from people with aspergers. I'm sure someone who is severely autistic and does not have a significant other feels like they aren't treated so good either.



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01 Aug 2011, 1:50 am

Grisha wrote:
If I was lower functioning, I feel that people would cut me some slack and paradoxically might be given more opportunities to develop socially/romantically.


Wouldn't it be a better strategy to work with your strengths and adapt to your surroundings? Sounds like you are trying to externalise your personal issues. LFA people have enough on their plate than to become "lower benchmarks" for Aspies with confidence issues.