07 Aug 2011, 1:27 pm
hurtloam wrote:
anna-banana wrote:
I don't like the idea of needing someone to be a certain way or do certain things.
Do you mind if i ask why? As long as you don't try and change a person and try and make them into someone they are not to selfishly satisfy yourself i see no problem with deciding what needs i have and looking for someone with the kind of personality and lifestye that will work with my life to make us harmoniously fit together. If we disagree on things i accept that we will both need to be the kind of people who can talk things through and reach a compromise.
Of course i accept that i will have to meet what he needs in a relationship to make it work, it isn't all about me. Someone will hopefully look at me one dt and think she's got the qualities i need in a relationship.
what you say makes sense, but I was thinking more about the attitude - it doesn't seem very inclusive, and many of the comments here, although I do realise they were made jokingly, are kinda like that.
for example, if someone says they need good sex, what would they do if their partner had lost the ability to have sex? if they say they need intellectual stimulation, does it mean they would abandon their partner if they became demented or got Alzheimer's?
I dunno, maybe I'm misunderstanding this but in my mind wanting > needing, and "needing" borders on emotional blackmail (because, like someone said below, if we really "needed" any of this stuff then most of us would have been dead by now
)
07 Aug 2011, 1:46 pm
anna-banana wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
anna-banana wrote:
I don't like the idea of needing someone to be a certain way or do certain things.
Do you mind if i ask why? As long as you don't try and change a person and try and make them into someone they are not to selfishly satisfy yourself i see no problem with deciding what needs i have and looking for someone with the kind of personality and lifestye that will work with my life to make us harmoniously fit together. If we disagree on things i accept that we will both need to be the kind of people who can talk things through and reach a compromise.
Of course i accept that i will have to meet what he needs in a relationship to make it work, it isn't all about me. Someone will hopefully look at me one dt and think she's got the qualities i need in a relationship.
what you say makes sense, but I was thinking more about the attitude - it doesn't seem very inclusive, and many of the comments here, although I do realise they were made jokingly, are kinda like that.
for example, if someone says they need good sex, what would they do if their partner had lost the ability to have sex? if they say they need intellectual stimulation, does it mean they would abandon their partner if they became demented or got Alzheimer's?
I dunno, maybe I'm misunderstanding this but in my mind wanting > needing, and "needing" borders on emotional blackmail (because, like someone said below, if we really "needed" any of this stuff then most of us would have been dead by now
)I understand what you're saying and agree to an extent. However, a partner itself is the want. In order to fill this, there are things you need. That is what this thread is supposed to be about.
07 Aug 2011, 1:52 pm
No idea, but wouldn't want a person who is short-tempered. Would be cool if they didn't worry too much about everything like I do. And also lots and lots of space. By space I mean should be okay with not seeing/contacting me for days, prolly a week or so, coz I hide away from people at times 
.
07 Aug 2011, 3:36 pm
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
I understand what you're saying and agree to an extent. However, a partner itself is the want. In order to fill this, there are things you need. That is what this thread is supposed to be about.
I'm not complaining about the subject of the thread, I just have a problem with its terminology. personally, I have no need for "needing" in the relationship department
07 Aug 2011, 7:25 pm
07 Aug 2011, 7:44 pm
07 Aug 2011, 7:45 pm
ntgrl wrote:
I need to know what the other person’s expectations are of me; if these change I need to be informed. If I don’t know what the expectations are, I will have a much harder time meeting them.
I need for him to know what he can realistically give me and if he finds he cannot do what he says he can, then I would like to be informed.
I need for him to be able to define with me the “rules” of the relationship and then be able to follow them.
All of those things require honesty, and for him to know himself and what he is capable of
I need consistency
I need equity
I need for him to ask questions if he doesn’t understand my needs
I need to be able to trust that he is committed to the relationship
I need monogamy
I need sexual attraction
I need for him to know what he can realistically give me and if he finds he cannot do what he says he can, then I would like to be informed.
I need for him to be able to define with me the “rules” of the relationship and then be able to follow them.
All of those things require honesty, and for him to know himself and what he is capable of
I need consistency
I need equity
I need for him to ask questions if he doesn’t understand my needs
I need to be able to trust that he is committed to the relationship
I need monogamy
I need sexual attraction
I guess you need someone a little older than me too, huh?
As for me, I need affection. Lots of it. Hugs always make me feel better (and less like a failure at life), but the average friendly hug is too short for my needs to be satisfied, which means that I need a relationship. 90% of my desire for a relationship is to find this. If I could find a girl that needed the same thing, it wouldnt even matter if she was asexual. Yes, I'm a fairly sexual person myself, but I can take care of that by myself if need be.
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