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jpfudgeworth
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12 Aug 2011, 6:39 am

It's really hard for me to connect with people. I don't seek out relationships. All of my friendships were formed by accident, because someone reached out to me and I happened to like them. This is the only way it ever happens. But sometimes, I form a connection with someone who I deeply enjoy and they become my favorite person.

I'm starting to see that having a favorite person is a big problem. Throughout my life there has always been one person at a time who I like more than any other. My love for my favorite people usually causes me distress. I want my favorite person to be as in love with me as I am with them. This leads me to explain in detail why I care so much about them, which comes off as creepy and tenacious. Luckily I've stopped doing that. I've gotten pretty good at containing my abnormal affections for people, but I am still left with irrational feelings of rejection. It's as if I really believe that someone ought to like me just as intensely as I like them.

I wish that I could turn down the volume of my love for certain people. I can't help but think this is a consequence of the very small world that I live in. Maybe if I had a larger network of people in my life I wouldn't be so sensitive to my feelings for one person. But I don't WANT to know people. I don't want to make friends, it just happens sometimes. And I'm grateful for that, of course. It just seems like I failed to mature emotionally and now I'm prone to get too attached to people in rare circumstances.

Has anyone ever experienced this? Did you overcome it?



i_wanna_blue
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12 Aug 2011, 11:39 am

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm like that with my mom. She means everything to me, and I guess I'm not afraid to show her that, which is certainly not the way I operate. Usually I'm terrified to show people that I like them, coz I'm afraid of the rejection it will bring. However with my mom it's different. She is aware of my lack of any friends and acquaintances and of course being my mom, her love is unconditional. If I did have a social life I wouldn't care less of her, but perhaps wouldn't feel the need to show it so much.

As far as ordinary people whose love is most probably not unconditional, I'm the same. I don't mean to like them, but sometimes I just get drawn to one or two. I think though that it's a good thing. It's better to be that way, then not feeling any positive emotions at all. I don't think feeling that way is something you need to overcome. Perhaps being afraid of rejection is the real problem area.


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anneurysm
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12 Aug 2011, 9:22 pm

I can relate to this so much, and I know other people on the spectrum who experience this as well. I know having this can be embarrassing, and makes us question our sanity sometimes, as if we're keeping a deep dark secret. Other people don't have to know though, which is why I keep mine private.

I have varying degrees of obsessions with various people, most of whom I know personally, but some are strangers that I have a great deal in common with. I also always have what you termed a 'favorite person' that I can't stop thinking about. Sometimes, I just want to tell him that I love him and that he's the most interesting and fascinating person I know. I know it's irrational, and I would never say this to him, but as you know, the urge just persists.

Unfortunately, I have never managed to fully eliminate people obsessions. Every time I lose interest in a person, one will always take their place. I do have developed a strategy on how to manage them...the doodle book. If I am thinking about the guy I like, I write whatever I want...poetry, stories, lyrics of songs we both like, whatever, in a notebook I have set aside for him. I write until my running thoughts are extinguished, and it helps quite a lot. I also carry the book whereever I go, so I can write in it on the bus or when travelling. Try it out and see if this works for you. Best of luck!


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I am an anomaly. Diagnosed with borderline,"tentative" Aspergers at 7 as the school board required me to have a label in order to receive special education services. I did not fit criteria for ASD but that was the closest label that fit my behaviour at the time.

My longtime psychiatrist has confirmed that I do not qualify for an ASD diagnosis (but have traits & OCD-like traits).

Mostly keeping a distance from ASD-related things (including WP).


jpfudgeworth
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13 Aug 2011, 4:59 pm

Thank you both so much. I've have been feeling crazy lately.

It does seem like a deep dark secret. Maybe I can look at that positively and I won't be so compelled to "confess" it.

I will try something like a doodle book.



Chivolsoc
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15 Aug 2011, 7:30 am

Me toooooooooooo! There is always a favourite person and then when that dies out, someone else takes their place. They never last and I await the rejection and sometimes bail out before it can happen. I know I have driven people away. I can't understand why they don't think about me the way I do about them. I am married to an AS man and he isn't like this. He's had the same friends for years but hardly sees them - go figure. I go through people like candy. Chew and spit chew and spit. I have always wanted lasting friendships but I can't do the dance needed for that. So I get to know people now but I don't follow through anymore. I try my hardest not to write them off entirely. By doing this, they can't reject me. But I still get one that I will obsess about mentally but these days I don't act on it, I just let it go. It hurts that I am not the centre of their lives as much as they are for me. I feel too like it's a dark dirty secret and I feel like a mental stalker. I am ashamed of myself but I have tried so much to change this but it never goes away. I cope my being stand offish, not making friends, just acquantances and I have learned not to tell everyone I meet my life story and problems!! !! Thanks for posting this,