How do you know that your partner is not an aspie?

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I have a question for the married aspies. How do you all really know that your husband or wife is NT? Especially those who have a partner that ignores them or won't get to know or understand their perspective. That sounds like a theory of mind issue to me?

How do I know? Because he seems too normal to have AS and I can't see any symptoms. But he isn't really NT because he has brain damage.

Great question, hurtloam! Actually, I find that NTs routinely show a lack of both Theory of Mind and empathy, ironically enough.

I guess when you remember that everyone possesses Autistic traits, it fails to be a shock that either NTs periodically act that way, or that supposedly ASD or NT people occasionally show characteristics of each other.

Having been married to a borderline Aspie male and now in a longterm relationship with a highly NT woman, the difference is hard to describe because I can't be sure whether the differences between them are purely due to NT/AS characteristics...or gender! My NT partner can be just as selfish as the AS one could be and my AS husband could be just as supportive and caring as the NT one is. A big difference for me, I guess, is my NT partner is not so self-absorbed or so consumed by her own interests to the exclusion of all else...those are both big hallmarks of Aspie behaviour and she doesn't show them to nearly even close the same extent. She also has a much greater need for affection and tells me she loves me a lot more than my husband ever did, but I don't know how much that has to do with her being female rather than NT.

My OH has aspie tendencies, which explains why we get along so well. He doesn't have the social difficulties, but prefers to stay home and work on his projects rather than go out with friends, drink beer, watch sports etc. No problems with emotions, affection etc, but very fussy with food textures, and sensitive to sound.

The only issue I have with him is that he isn't a book reader......

My husband has Aspie traits. Here are a few examples:
Monologues a lot and doesn't seem to be aware that others are getting bored or wanting to speak (I have to point it out to him).
Often does not realise I am upset and fails to take steps to comfort me. An obvious time was when we had a failed IVF attempt. He came home from work and I was crying. He didn't say or do anything. All I needed was a hug. But, I wouldn't say he was a cold person normally.
Doesn't know where to draw the line with bosses, as a result has rocked a few boats and is unlikely to progress into management levels. That said, he doesn't really want to move up anyway.
He doesn't do the typical stuff that other guys his age seem to relish, e.g. going to the pub with mates, watching football.

And he has other traits often associated with ASDs:
bouncy walk; obvious yet undiagnosed dyslexia; mild facial blindness.

He did a couple of on-line quizes which showed he was definitely NT. I was quite mystified by this as I was sure he'd be at least borderline. But, he's never mentioned any sensory issues and has no concentration difficulties, which are both pretty major in my case.

What you put up there 98% describes my other half (not diagnosed AS), including the non-book-reading (which makes me really sad, but I know I read books at an unusual and alarming rate!). He was diagnosed with dyspraxia when he was at primary school (15+ years ago) and I have read that some of the symptoms are very much the same as AS, and that it can sometimes be a misdiagnosis when really the person has AS.
I am not diagnosed officially, but everything I read about female AS is like reading about myself or looking in a mirror - if he has tendencies this probably explains why he has put up with me for as long as he has, because other relationships of mine have ended abruptly with me being accused of being "a cold b***h", "crazy", I "don't know how to be loved or how to give love" and asked "how comes everyone thinks I'm ok, and they all think you are a *rude part of a woman that starts with C*"

this hurts so bad

I don't and don't care. I don't look her as such, even if she were. She is far from normal anyway, maybe, how the hell would i know.

because my S.O. did the aspie test online after me so we could compare. she was like 45/200 and was only that high because she has mental health issues.