Parent said "losing his daughter"

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I was unfortunate to be a male born with the wrong genitalia. My dad said he is "losing his daughter". When I hear this, I get infuriated. I was a shell my entire childhood. I never said anything. I never expressed anything. I never smiled. He is not losing a daughter, he is losing a forced act I put on. It hurts me so much to think he only loved my act. He never loved me for me. He would rather have a shell of a child than a happy, prosperous son.

My family refuses to call me by my male name or the right pronouns. They claim it is because the younger children will not understand and it will create conflict with their stepfather and the court system (I basically live with my dad's fiance and her kids during the summer). I visibly cringe when my old name is used. It only brings up bad memories of all the physical and psychological pain I went through in the past. It makes my gender dysphoria worse.

It gets to the point I want to break total contact with everyone in my family. I never want to see anyone in my family again. I even find it hard to talk to those who in my family who were accepting of me. I just want a fresh start. I hide this hurt and anger. I feel betrayed, and I hide it so well that I was largely unaware of it until now. I am starting to show it in subtle ways. I am getting more snappish than before.

I am usually a very reasonable and kind person, but I am turning into something I don't like and will do everything in my willpower to not become. How do I get rid of this anger?

Wow, that almost word for word describes my childhood, except with the genders flipped.

I wish I knew how to get rid of similar anger. Sadly, all I can usually do is ignore them as much as I can. :\

That also explains my childhood, except I've never had the money to pay for the operation.

It depends, to a degree, how new all of this is for all of you. Has your father had time to adjust to the new reality? Have you, for that matter? Is this going to be a permanent division in your relationship, or will he come around in time?

I my experience, parents come around, in time. You have had a lot more time to figure out the disconnect between your body and your self--he has received this information all at once (more or less) and that creates a great deal of anxiety, and resistance.

As long as he is denial--never calling you by your male name--it is going to appear that progress is slow or nonexistant. But your truth will win out in the end.

Boy techno, I'm really sorry to hear about your dads reaction. I am also a male, born female bodied. I have not come out to my dad yet, and I am fearing a similar reaction. I feel like he and my brother would be constantly trying to prove that I'd never be as "man" as they are. I feel like they would not understand me when I tell them, that isn't what it is about. It's about bringing my body into harmony with my mind, and also giving my male brain the chemicals it needs to function properly.
Have you started hormones yet? I personally don't care if my family wants to call me "$h!the@d" for the rest of my life. I'd happily be disowned, before I'd base my life decision on what they say. I'm also married with a family of my own, so it does make a difference than if I still lived at home. I was, however, very worried about my husbands reaction. He was obviously shocked (although not entirely surprised) but has been nothing but supportive.

I have been saying I was a boy since I was three years old when I was first able to speak more than two words at a time. He has had a long time to know it.

He has been improving with time but I would expect, based on my history, that he would have come around a lot sooner. I guess it will take him some time but his ignorant and hurtful comments do not help. It is clear he has an issue with it.



Yes it will. It is just hard having to live with him during the summer while off from university. I will work extremely hard to not live with him ever again.

techn0teen, I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a parent who's child came out as transgendered recently I hope this can help. It is a loss of what we knew (or thought we knew) to be true. (My child did not express anything like you did growing up. I had a girl who wore heels, make up and fussed over her hair; NONE of which I do! So when she said "I'm a boy" I was blown away.) It has taken almost a year (and lots of reading, research and education) for me to be where I need to be to support my child. It is not because I don't love my child, it is because of my own (silly but oh so there) gender perceptions. I really found "The Transgendered Child" book to be VERY helpful. It has a chapter on family acceptance. What your dad is experiencing is common however, as the book points out should not be verbalized to YOU!
I too am processing the loss of who I thought my child was but the positive is it leads to being able to celebrate the rebirth of my son.
While I don't know your dad; I'm going to be positive and assume that
1) He loves you
2) He does not realize how much pain you were in growing up.

I know my poor kid had to be very patient for me to catch up to what she (he) already knew!! Good Luck to you and hang in there!

My mom blamed me for ruining her ideal life of having one son and one daughter.

We don't live for them - we live for ourselves.

He can't lose a daughter he never had, just like my parents can't lose the firstborn daughter they've never had. I make a much better son, but they don't want to admit it.

This is the exact outcome I feel would happen if I ever said anything myself. It is why I've come to choose death after my parents are gone. There's truly nothing one can do.

Young people don't know or weren't taught their LGBT history: sadly, this is what life was like for many in our community before Ellen & NPH became poster children for middle America acceptance.

I am sorry for the two of you and the pain you're going through. But, you do have choices here even if it doesn't feel like it. Other queer folk have had to build new families because their biological ones were too toxic.

Family, like gender, is about love, being true to yourselves and choices--not biology. You can choose to build your own family from people who know and care and love you. You can be true to yourself by removing yourself from harm-- verbal, physical or mental.

I walked away from my biological family over 15 years ago after my grandparents, who loved me unconditionally, passed away. No more snide comments about my weirdness (my undiagnosed aspergers) and no more homophobic comments about my lifestyle and friends. I haven't looked back since.

Techno teen, you may need time and physical away from these people to grow into yourself. You're at university, so I'm sure you can research local trans-friendly resources to help.

Prism, you may want to speak with a caring professional soon if I've read your post correctly.

Life on the spectrum while being queer in a straight world is hard enough without having family baggage beating you down. I won't lie and say making a choice to remove yourself from your biological family will solve all your problems. There isn't a sunshine, unicorn and rainbows-only option in life, but there is a healthier option for you to choose. Be kind to yourself and limit the opportunities to put yourself in harms way. Looking into available local resources to help you distance yourself from your family while remaining true to yourself and building new connections and friendships is one positive option.

If I were you, I'd deck those bigots, slap them in handcuffs, and MAKE them accept you as you are.

I'm not trans, but I wish I were just so I could piss off transphobes.

That's kinda a normal reaction at first. Normally it'll pass, but it may take some time. Give your dad some time to think and get over this. It'll probably be better, but you may need to be patient.

Tell them to go get counseling, or if your taking counseling have them join you for a few sessions.

You can't force anyone to accept you, it's up to them alone. You could blackmail, torture etc. anyone, but all they have to do is put on a smiley face and act like everything is normal when they truly despise your existance on the inside. Dude, you really shouldn't wish to be trans, it's hell on earth along with any other burden, you don't have sanctuary anywhere when you're trans.