Do you have problems figuring out how you come across?

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Do you have problems figuring out how you come across to others and/or how what you do or say might look to them?

It's one thing I've noticed about myself is that I cannot internally recognize how what I might say will come across to someone else or how it looks to someone else, I can't "model" it in my head and figure out if I performed ok or not. It's kinda frustrating, the only way I can do this is if I look in the mirror and see myself, and even then it feels difficult unless I record it on a webcam, and then passively watch it using the full amount and undistracted brain to see if I come across ok, or like a loser/dork or weird.

Also I notice that when I hear my voice in my head of what I want to say, I can never quite get my own voice to match the intonations of how I hear it in my head unless I practice it. It always comes out weird or not congruent with how I hear I've constructed it in my head beforehand, which is annoying, because it makes on the fly witty or humorous things near impossible unless I've practiced a "script" of some short witty remark beforehand, that I can only use once or twice before it gets old and I have to use another.

I've always been that way but I try not to dwell on it, or else I would probably never speak.

I pretty much assume people dont like me...I am to pushy,interupt,dont know how to bond with chit chat,use humor only I think is funny,get easily annoyed by little things,dont show enough interest in others,get lost in thought,misunderstand what others are saying,share to much personal info to the wrong people.....So, I think I know how I come across to others...as a dweeb....but who knows...maybe they dont try and be my friends because my superior intellegence intimidates them...lol

I always assume people don't like me. If they seem to like me I think to myself: that's because they don't know who you are yet. I think of myself as the unwanted one, like the cast in India you are not supposed to touch. Untouchable!

Then on occassion I see a video or tape from a family gathering or school renunion or the occassional tv appearance and I think: who is that interesting person, then: oh my god it's me!

So I think I come across quite appealing, it's the things I say that turn people off. Or lack of proper reaction or eyecontact.

yes, wich is why i tried copying people when i was yonger. like i'd copy this one guys clothes and that was apperently an invitation to a fight. i'd copy peoples hairstyles shoes and just about anything else someone did to be social wich lead to me getting into a lot of fights

Copying people is one of the ways I manage to fit in. The thing is that you have to be subtle, and figure out how you can vary what other people do so that it doesn't look like you are copying them.

For example, I often have trouble finding a posture that looks alright (sometimes I have a tendency to slump in my chair, or rest my head in my hand). I watch how other people position themselves, that helps me figure out how to look normal.

Clothes, on the other hand, are about genre. If everyone is wearing T-Shirts with sayings, get T-Shirts with sayings, but maybe not the exact same outfit.

As for figuring out what sounds normal, here are a few tips:

1. Don't try to sound funny. Humor is a risk, sometimes a joke is interpretted as offensive, or just falls flat. Its better off to just stick to being unfunny, its easier than trying to figure out whats funny and what isn't. To make people think you have a sense of humor, just laugh when other people laugh (and about as much as they laugh, but not more)

2. When you model situations, don't think from your own point of view, think from the other person's point of view. In other words, if someone said this to you, what would it feel like (this can be hard sometimes, but if you can run through a model of it before you get mental block, it can help you alot)

3. If you don't know whether or not to say something, just don't say it. Chances are, your brain is reacting to a risk scenario, and aspies generally come out bad when taking social risks.

4. Never interrupt people, unless its a dire emergency. Hear people out. If you want to say something about a topic, and the person begins to veer off topic, forget your comment, it'll seem odd.

That's all I can think of for the moment. Hope it helps! I have these types of problems a lot too.

I feel the same way, sometimes. If I'm just talking to friends or family and I think I might be doing something weird, they don't normally hold it against me. However, if you feel you may be really putting somebody off, the best thing may be to tell the person that you sometimes have a little difficulty in that area.

I know damned full well how I come across... I've been told about it my entire life.

Intelligent, intensely curious, somewhat judgmental, and vaguely benevolent but with a slight undercurrent of menace.

I really can't help it, though. If I attempt to behave in a manner other than that which is natural to me, the body language ceases to match my speech and I come across as not just "weird" but dishonest or "fake". This makes my natural behavior the lesser of the evils, lol.

Only a little.It used to be harder when I was younger.Some say that I am sweet,caring,and helpful,yet frantic and hyper.Others say that I'm weird,insane,and scary.


-SpaceCase

I still struggle with that everyday. I have surmised that I "stare holes" through people and that is something that has offended them all this time. However, I see everyone as an ally until PROVEN otherwise. I used to see everyone else as an enemy until proven friendly but that is a very self destructive path.

It's still a mystery to me how more people don't find themselves in the same worry. Yeah, okay, so we walk around with blank expressions or "perceived" frowns and inadvertently offend people who think we're being short with them, or sarcastic, or any of a million kinds of rude (like the time I failed to thank the girl who said "bless you" when I sneezed. Sorry lady, but I never thought a bad spirit was going to fly into my mouth so get over it)... But are the rest of them so bloody delightful? Nope... they are offensively fake with their supposed niceness, some of them, deciding that it is better to be two-faced than honest. Some shoot off their big fat mouths, butting in to every aspect of other people's lives. Some are just plain loud. Some chortle between their words. Some are smugly self-righteous.

Why, I ask myself, do these people never seem to have the least glimmer that they are the way they are? How is it they have made it this far in life never thinking it might be possible that they are in the wrong? I have been face to face more times with the crowd, standing there in their cow-like herds of self-satisfied indignation, staring me down for my bluntness and feeding their wounded egos upon the carcass of my once-hopeful friendliness by connecting Borg-like with each other and muttering, gossiping, give their agreeing nods and other extravagant conversational flourishes, the self-indulgent giggles, gabbles and snorts that make them just so many members of Oprah Winfrey's studio audience...

And through it all, not a thought in any one tiny little brain that says, "Oh, me... I must seem like such a pig-ignorant, ill-mannered sheep of a person."

My self-awareness serves me well, it is a curse, and a blessing... I try to teach my kids to have a social conscience, and that others may not realize what they are doing, and that telling them is not always a kindness, not unless you are close friends and can tell them with affection. Which I can't do, but my daughter can.

So they may find themselves someday in my spot, being told by a third party that I offended the stupid boy who said a stupid thing and got what he deserved for it... but maybe they'll be able to cope better with it.

For the curious... the stupid boy (18 years old) saw me (also 18 then) walking by, minding my own business and thinking my own thoughts, and out of nowhere saw fit to tell me to smile (oh, that again). I told him with a straight face (what else) not to tell me what to do and kept walking.

That was it. For that he sic'ed the ingratiating skinny girl on me, "Laird said you hurt his feelings," yeah whatever, I didn't ask Laird to pester me when I was hungry and go getting ideas, who does he think he is anyway, get over it stupid boy...

I'm still working through resentment at my social muddles. Even though I must be the one common thing in each problem situation, yet I still get angry at everyone else for being so typical.

To be honest I think I come across as a bit of a dick.

And peoples behaviour towards me seems to confirm that.