Wrong timing

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Sooooooo, lets just say I'm going through pain because life decided to taunt me with a good relationship at the wrong time in life.

I'm wondering if anyone has been through this?

Any words of wisdom, etc...?

Anything would be appreciated.

Are you perhaps saying that "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"? (<-- Link)

It's nice to have options, but if you don't take what you want when it's offered, then whose fault is that?

No, that's what I fear will happen.

I'm more saying that you have to give up an opportunity to be with someone for a supposedly better one to meet new people.

The situation's! Does that mean I am a bad person for turning down one opportunity because I was told the other was better?

There have been a few people I could have potentially had a very good relationship with if circumstances had been different.

"Right girl, wrong time."

It happens, and when it does it certainly hurts. I think in a lot of ways it's not knowing how it might have turned out that really does you in. It can make you mull it over, which in turn keeps you from moving on.

Indeed.

That should be the slogan. But the things is....is there more than one "right" person? I know there are certainly other good people out in the world. But it's hard to imagine from my standpoint, someone who can connect as deeply.

I know! Painful! So how do you now mull over it?

There are quite a bit of people out there that are very compatible. I don't know how deep a connection we're talking about here, but I do believe such connections are often influenced by our attitudes/wants/desires.

How do you not mull it over? That's a good question. I still think about people I know I could have been very happy with years later. There's nothing inherently wrong with this... as long as you maintain perspective. Realize that you've made your choice and going back just isn't an option.

Those that are flighty in love, never find someone they can truly be happy with.

Hmmm, I think being aspie definitely diminishes the amount of people I'm compatible with though. I don't know how to explain it other than on the same brainwave. Do you think any of it was fate, because I certainly wasn't looking for someone when I went on this website...I just wanted to make some good friends. Then this ended up happening and changing me. So, there is such a thing as seeking because of attitudes, but there is also such a thing as love falling into our lap unrelated to what we do/say/or think.

Interesting, but that would just be seriously depressing to think about though. And how to you maintain perespective when the view is foggy?

How do you know if you are being flighty with that?

Yes, you can definitely find love while not looking for it. I know this quite well. I'm also aware that AS shrinks the pool of compatible partners. We can be quite a bit to handle sometimes, no?

Choices are made all the time. Doubting them is generally what fogs up the view. Stick to your resolve, and you should be fine.

Indecisiveness is a sure sign of flightiness. Once you've decided you want/don't want someone, that's that. Changing your mind only serves to confuse yourself and the other parties involved. Also, if you find yourself bouncing from partner to partner for whatever reason, you're being flighty.

Exactly. Haha, I'm afraid at actually how small that pool is considering that I'm also Mormon and I want someone with the same standards as me but I'm still my aspie self. Basically two contrasting parts of my life...meh, sounds near impossible.

I disagree. I think when a choice is made because of a situation and not because of the actual person, it is hard not to doubt the choice.

I guess I can see what you are saying there. Nevertheless, I am trying to say that it is not the person that I have decided that I don't want...it is the situation or the timing. That makes sense. Lol, I've had one bf my entire life, only for a short time too...haven't really bounced around from person to person.

It doesn't matter if it was the person or circumstances that made your mind up, chrissyrun. What matters is the choice itself. Flip-flopping on it does nobody any good.

I never said keeping your resolve would be easy. Sometimes it's damn hard. You do it, though, for your well-being. Stick to your guns, basically. It's okay to wonder sometimes what might have been. We all do it. The key is finding a balance.

The real world is often far more interesting, anyway.

Ok, I guess I can see where you are coming from. I feel like I was sorta semi-forced to make the choice...but I see your point as well. That's true, no need to cause anymore heartache.

Ah, choices are very hard for me. For the well-being! What well-being?. Balance, of course. Balance is the key to freaking everything...too bad I'm an extremist.

I guuuuuuesss. But online is SO much easier and better sometimes. I can be myself online without feeling too awkward.

I didn't mean the internet versus face-to-face. I meant balance between reality and fantasy.

Oh, that's what I thought you meant. My bad.

To offer: a counterpoint and my two cents:

I feel like three relationships I’ve been in have largely failed because of “bad timing”.

First relationship: lots of things in common, loads of compatibility, but the timing was dreadful and it was long distance. Plus we were both ignorant about how to have a healthy relationship. So things got strained and the distance ended it. During the relationship we both agreed how much easier it’d be if we were both at different points in our lives.

Second: a lot more mature and much more focused similar goals. I get nostalgic over this person because of how well we got along with the minutiae, but in truth we disagreed over big things. If we’d met after schooling was finished, probably would have worked out better.

Last: Really ended because I got out of college early. Always wonder what would have happened to us if I’d stayed, or even took a victory lap at the ol’ alma mater.

So: hope you see how bad timing can affect a relationship.

My words of wisdom: If you’re happy with someone and want to be with them, try to work it out; make it work.

And for a far more cynical view: We like to think of meeting our friends and getting into relationships because of things like similar interests, similar goals, compatibility, and while this is a part of forming those bonds, a lot of it really comes down to solely the people you’re around. We tend to befriend the people around us, and tend to forge relationships with the people around us. That’s why you see a lot of people just out of high school but not going to college getting married; or people out of college getting married. They all want to settle down at that period of their life and find someone else who wants to. Relationships are a lot of compromise. [Again, this is just my world view.]

And for getting into a relationship when you’re not looking for one: I actually find that the best relationships I’ve been in happen when I’m not looking for it. When I desperately want to be with someone, I find someone else with a similar mindset [at best! They can be exploitative], and we’re together mostly because neither of us wants to be alone!

So, uh, hope this helps; hope it’s not too long; and good luck!

--David