Please help! What to do now with suspect-Aspie guy I like!?

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I'm hoping for some feedback on a situation that has me a little confused. Last year, from June-Dec, I "dated" a guy who I suspected has Aspergers. Spent every Saturday night for those months hanging out with him and his couple of best friends (he's a late 30s never been married type), usually at his house, drinking beer and watching sports. I was usually the initiator of texts, activities. Then all of a sudden in december I got a text from him saying "I don't know if hanging out is going to be an option again." I sent a text back saying I like him, liked being around him and that he knew where to find me if that ever changed. I backed off. We kept in touch, just by text occasionally, just chatty stuff. I never asked what he was up to, if he wanted to do anything. Fast forward 8 months to last saturday and I texted about something silly and how I had not much going on to be thinking about that, and he responded, then sent another text saying "we're over here hanging out if you want to come. I know that this is a surprise." I knew I should say no, but I really like him so I went. Had fun, hung out, he took me with him to other friends' house (people I'd never met before). He seemed more attentive and talkative than I remember, but it's been 8 months! At the end of the evening he said, "thanks for coming over", I said "thanks for asking, but why did you?" and his response was "it's something I've been thinking about for a few weeks, but I'm not very good at that kind of thing." What does that mean? Why after 8 months (and trust me, a booty call has crossed my mind, but he never seemed all that driven by that sort of thing )What should I do now? Should I keep doing what I was doing (not asking, just occasionally keep in touch), or be direct and ask more probing questions (but I don't want to scare him off, I like him!)?? Help!

Does he suspect that he has Asperger's? Has that subject ever come up between y'all?

If he is, then he's either (a) treading lightly for fear of scaring you off, (b) not all that into you, or (c) limited in how much togetherness he can handle (some aspies can handle more than others).

If the subject hasn't even come up, that's your first order of business. Maybe he knows or suspects and has been afraid to tell you... if so, get that out of the way without too much intensity and he might open up.

If the situation is (a), one way to clear that up is to do what my wife did to start our relationship... surprise him with a kiss. That'll let him know your intentions pretty unambiguously. And if it doesn't work out, then at least you don't have to be hanging around craving a relationship with him every time you see him and not getting it.

"I'm not very good at that kind of thing"... I think in that context it means "I've been thinking that I'd like to spend more time with you but don't know whether or how or how much to try for that without doing something that make you want to avoid me"... and perhaps also "I'm not sure that both of us will end up enjoying spending more time together so I'm afraid to even try".

If he is aspie, lots of explicitness and low intensity is the name of the game here. Blast him with emotion and he'll shut down. Hint to him and it'll go right over his head... or maybe he'll catch on that you're hinting something but not be sure whether you really are hinting or what you're hinting at.

Are you on the spectrum? If not, there's a lot of NT signals you're used to that you're not going to get to exchange with this guy. That might be hard for you to deal with over the long haul.

Thanks, Wayne! No, I'm not on the spectrum. The more time I spent with him last year, the more I figured that his behavior was deeper than just being a jerk. He always responded to my text right away, which I figured a guy who wasn't into me at all would just blow me off. There was very little eye contact or conversation, and he very rarely steps outside of his comfort zone -- meaning small groups of people who he's known forever. He's never been married, doesn't date, as far as I know, hasn't had any super serious relationships. Also, its not just me, people who know him in the community think he's difficult to talk to, very awkward. So that's what got me thinking Asperger's, and the more research I did, the more symptoms I realized he has. But, I doubt very much he has been diagnosed. We've never talked about it at all. I've had lots of people tell me that I should move on, that he's weird, that he's not capable of a relationship, but I'm incredibly attracted and drawn to him, for whatever reason. I like being around him and would love to have a chance!

Sounds reasonable.



So y'all never had much interaction outside of text messages? That's not good.



So is he just not giving you information about his past relationships, or are you just not sure how to interpret whatever relationships he did have?



Why not? Are you afraid to bring it up? Have you tried to bring it up and found him non-responsive? Have you said anything to him?



Attraction is a wonderful thing, and deliciously addictive. But he's not talking much, you've suspected that he has a Pervasive Development Disorder (and believe me, they don't call it "pervasive" for nothing!) and haven't talked about it with him at all... I'm not seeing much of a relationship here to begin with, even by aspie standards. Not to say that it couldn't happen, just that you don't really know enough to even begin to guess whether this is going to work out, and what you do know I don't really find encouraging. (Do you even know whether he has a sex drive? That's kind of important in a romantic relationship, and some of us are pretty much asexual. I love sex and try my damndest to be good at it, but you can't assume he'll be the same way until it happens... or doesn't happen as the case may be)

He might not be capable of a relationship, or more to the point, a relationship with you. But you don't know enough to even begin to figure that out.

More good feedback, thanks. I agree, I don't know enough to know really what's possible. We've spent a lot of time together on the weekends (well, before our 8 mo stoppage), but usually would text during the week. He told me right away that he hates talking on the phone, and in all the time I've spent with him, I've found that to be true not just for me. He doesn't talk to anyone on the phone, always texts. One on one, I learned pretty quickly that he doesn't ask questions, but if I asked questions he would answer them. I even asked him at one point after about 4 months if he liked me at all (couldn't get any kind of subtle indications or feeling that he did other than he kept having me around) and his answer was "well yeah I like you, I wouldn't sleep with you if I didn't) So, I do know there's a sex drive -- we did get to that point. That said, it never seemed like that's what drove him like some guys, but he certainly was "responsive" I am somewhat afraid to ask direct questions of him regarding the possibility of Aspergers -- I'm somewhat of a shy person who will avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations. That directness is sometimes hard for me unless I'm very comfortable, and I like him enough that he makes me nervous. So I'm struggling with that, but I sense that if I want to know one way or the other I'm going to have to be the one to do it, he's not all of a sudden going to open up. Or maybe I need to be very honest with myself that he simply isn't all that interested in me?

I would guess he is quite interested in you. But no, he's not going to spontaneously open up. For one thing, many of us learn the hard way that if someone hasn't asked us about some aspect of ourselves or shared something similar about themselves, they're almost certainly not interested and will react badly if we start talking about it. Without NT instincts, such crude heuristics is all we have to go on, so a lot of situations that you'd think we'd find perfectly safe to open up, we won't see the safeness without clearer signs.

Also, he's probably telling the truth that he wouldn't sleep with you if he didn't like you.

Anyway, yes, ask him anything you want to know. As long as you're clearly interested and not, for instance, building a case against him, he'll appreciate you showing interest. If he's uncomfortable with a question, he'll probably show it right away... and let it go soon after you change the subject.

(You might want to tell him (in a friendly voice) that just as much as he appreciates you showing interest by asking questions, you'd also appreciate him showing interest by asking questions of his own)

I'm not a big fan of the phone either. I also don't do much texting... I type really well and using a phone's keypad feels like trying to work with spacesuit gloves on.

I would love to know anything you can tell me about why you feel drawn to him, what exactly about him appeals to you.

What do you want in a relationship? Not specifically with him, but what would make it worthwhile for you to be in a relationship in the first place? Once you've nailed that down, you can start to figure out whether you're going to get it from this guy.

In the long run, you can expect him to keep doing pretty much what he's doing now, except during the times he's responding to something you're doing. Put another way... unless you like the relationship exactly as it is, you'll be the one setting the tone and leading the interactions and he'll be responding to them until he needs a break and withdraws for a while. If you're okay with that, he might be just what you're looking for.

I don't know your full situation, but I would keep seeing him, to clarify these concerns.

One one hand, maybe he had events which came up in his life or a confusion of who he was or what he wanted, but now he is more clear headed. On another hand, is he going to abandon you again?

hmmm, you've given me lots to ponder. Why am I attracted to him? Well, I've thought alot about this and discovered that he's very typical of most guys I've been attracted to -- they all are physically imposing (meaning tall, broad, athletic) and have strong personalities -- almost polarizing personalities, people either love them or hate them. He's in a job similar to my father (coaching -- typically translates into a strong, leader-type personality) so I'm drawn to that too. But I can see that underneath the bravado there's a good person -- suspect covering up some insecurities. I always joke that the more of a train wreck a guy is, the more attracted to him I am, not that he's a train wreck, but certainly there are challenges there.

What do I want in a relationship? That strong, take charge personality, someone who is going to make me feel like a woman (need to feel "protected", but know that I don't NEED protecting) but will also see me as an equal, a best friend. Would like more than just one night a week, but I know that I'm busy, a partner (in this case, he's super busy during the week) would be busy and that might not be possible, but would like that person to let me know that they would like to see me, are thinking about me. I'm not particularly high maintenance, just like to know where I stand!

So you think that the recent 8 month period where we didn't see each other was his withdrawing? Perhaps I was making him feel like I expected to see him EVERY saturday night and he felt pressure? Looking back, I was pushing to plan in advance. He very rarely initiated contact, but that seems to be how he is with everyone (He's told me he has ADD so forgets things and gets focused on other things easily) So he disappeared (not completely though). And now all of a sudden he's back? Just not sure what my next move should really be -- keep doing what I'm doing -- keep lines of conversation open but not ever ask to do anything? Or something else?

Perhaps you did push him in a corner. I don't know the whole situation so I can't judge that.

I would suggest keeping a balanced approach. See him, but don't advance things too fast or go after him to aggressively. Just get to know him a little more and then judge how he feels.

Or you can ask him in a tactful or indirect manner, if you can find the right words to use.

Tactful, yes. Indirect? Only if you want to confuse him.

Although, come to think of it, using indirect language might be good for letting your frustrations out without him even realizing it, much less reacting to it

Thanks! Balanced it is...I'm hesitant to jump right in and suggest doing something together since it's been a while since I did that and that may have been what caused the "don't know if hanging out is going to be an option again" response. So I thought right now I would just keep the lines of communication open as I have been, see if he brings up anything again in the next few weeks. Then, after a few weeks, ask if he hasn't brought it up again. How does that sound to you all?

I'd like to see my guy for just one Saturday night

FLgirlwonders...hm. I wonder whether there's a forum for people who don't have Asperger's to discuss love/dating issues re: people with Aspergers. I wonder because I posted to a thread on this wrongplanet forum last week -- the original poster's thread title was something about boyfriend of 6 months.

I posted there because, like you and the the OP, I too am an "NT" woman, and have/had the most puzzling baffling "relationship" in this past year that I've ever experienced over many years of dating--with a guy who sounds so much like your guy (and me like you) it's chilling. The guy for me is also from Florida, but he's a musician. After I posted ---I joined and posted to ask the OP whatever happened with her Asperger's boyfriend situation, but she hasn't replied--- yet another woman posted with a similar baffling situation, and her fellow is also a musician.

Almost every single point you make, every single perplexed reaction, is eerily resonant with my own. The noncommittal, but not unkind, type of hanging out, the abrupt ending, the reinitiation of hanging out, the sort of nervousness around them, not knowing where you stand, hesitancy to ask about Aspergers because our "closeness" was never totally clear and/or if he'd be offended or freak out, the attraction and affection for them, their intense sexual response, the somewhat bizarre (i.e., under other circumstances), matter of fact response of "I wouldn't sleep with you if I didn't like you), and even the fact of having to ask a guy something like "Do you even like me?" which would be obvious with other guys. As I've said to the guy I know "You're the most inscrutable person I've ever met" - to which he'd respond by looking like a very handsome appealing inscrutable Sphinx.

I posted just to let you know I empathize with whatever it is you're dealing with. I'll look forward to hearing what you end up doing. I'm pretty sure the Floridian I know and I are "done" again. otoh, nothing is as it would be with another guy, so I'm not 100% sure. But, regardless, I'll be doing a lot of processing about this situation...hopefully learning something.

Thank you limeginger! It is nice to know that there are people out there experiencing the same thing as I am -- makes me feel better (and bummed that both of us, and probably countless others, are trying to navigate these waters!) I'm still not sure exactly what to do -- and I had told myself when he reappeared that I was NOT going to let him get in my head, that I would take it as it came, but of course, that hasn't happened. I've had a couple friends tell me that he just wanted sex, that's why the invite came, which I know could be true, but so want it to be a little more than that. Or at least that out of that could come something more. Still doesn't make sense to me why, if all he wanted was a booty call, he would have me around his friends, take me with to other friends' house and introduce me to them -- that seems counter to a true "booty call" And to tell me he's been thinking about it for a couple weeks but that sort of thing is hard for him? That seems more than that as well?! But who knows. So, am struggling. I'd like to believe, in both our cases, that there is a genuine interest for us, just that these guys are having trouble expressing that?

It could turn into something more, but you'll have to be the one to make it so. He is really in over his head, and he's waiting for some sign from you on how to proceed, what your expectations are, what you need from him. He doesn't know, he'll never see it on his own, if he does try to be more forward he'll probably screw it up and scare you off.



That's another consideration that probably doesn't occur to him... classifying women as "booty call" and keeping them away from his friends. I certainly don't get it. If I looked down on you to the degree that I didn't want to be seen with you, why on Earth would I willingly spend time with you to begin with, much less get naked with you? Even if I was so socially inept that I had to go to a professional to get laid, I'd want to at least go to a professional that I liked well enough to want to spend time with... otherwise, I'd be withdrawn and certainly not in the mood to touch them and snuggle up with them and play with each other's naughty bits.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I only dimly understand the idea that some guys have girls that they don't actually like talking to but do like having sex with. I don't really see how they'd enjoy that, but from what I read, sometimes they do. I don't think this guy operates like that, or even see the point of operating like that.

Of course wanting to talk to someone and being actually able to carry a conversation with someone are two very different things!



That's what I figure too. But it looks like you're waiting to see if he suddenly starts being more expressive and proactive. You'll be waiting until Hell freezes unless you let him know that you are hoping for more and expecting more (either it doesn't occur to him at all or he doesn't think you actually want more with him since you haven't said so or shown any signs that he could see). You want to use all kinds of subtle signals with him to "see how things develop"... he can't play that game. If he doesn't know he has AS, he doesn't even realize how much of that stuff he's missing. He probably doesn't have the first clue why you even want to talk to him or have sex with him, and can't begin to guess whether you'll continue wanting it or whether you'll eventually decide you've had enough of him and wander off. All he knows is that he's happy with the level of closeness that you seem to be allowing... whether he can handle more is something y'all can only find out once he gets the idea that you actually want more with him and explicitly talk about exactly what that means with him.

To sum up:

1. He's probably not trying to keep you at a "booty call" level, or even really get what that means.
2. He's not going to move things along on his own. Ever. If he tried to move things along in the way you seem to be hoping for, he would do it very awkwardly and not at all like you'd picture or hope for it happening.
3. He has not the first clue what you want from him other than what you've blatantly told him or shown him or done with him.
4. If you want more, you're going to have to ask for it. Explicitly. In detail. And yes, it's going to be weird.
5. Even then, he might try to have more with you and not be able to handle it full time. He might "blow hot and cold" since he can only do intense social interaction part-time.
6. If he doesn't know that he has AS, he doesn't even know how far in over his head he is. He might even feel insulted if he thinks you're treating him like someone who needs extra help and instruction. You will be doing exactly that, of course, and he will need it and he will have to come to terms with that.