i really need ethical advice... now

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okay.... your adult high functioning unconfirmed ASD child has a horrible breakdown, for the 5th or 6th time. he has been talking oddly for a while. no semi-voluntary trips to the emergency room have been reason enough for the medical community to intervene. your adult child eventually attacks you and your spouse. you call 911 and the child is arrested.

do you go to the araignment? do you try to trust the legal system to not prosecute and to notice of their own accord that the adult child is in need of help? i don't know what to do. nobody that i know personally understands nor can comprehend what i'm going through.

i love my son, even though he violently attacked my spouse and i. at the same time, i don't know if it is in his best interest for me to show up in court tomorrow. my spouse does not feel able to do so, and was the one attacked. i had to smack my child with a broom handle to stop the attack from continuing.

it was the most emotionally painful experience. i'm confused, frightened for us, and my child.

if anyone with experience wants to chat, please pm me for my msn. the arraignment is supposed to be tomorrow, (monday morning) . i've got no resources here whatsoever.

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ps. i had called adult protective services a couple of days before the attack. i felt something brewing. they did nothing and offered no help.

I have no experience to draw on here but my vote is that yes, you go. I do not trust anyone else to do right by child until they have shown they have earned that trust. The courts, police and lawyers haven't had the opportunity to show you that, yet, so I think you need to be there. If for no other reason, but to assess the mindset and knowledge of those charged with dealing with your child. Odds aren't that good that they really know or understand a thing about ASD or the unique issues your child faces but maybe they'll be smart and access an expert ... you don't know until you go and see.

The tricky part is that your son is probably going to be emotionally upset seeing you, but you hold your line: you did not want to hurt him, and do not want to hurt him, but you could not allow him to hurt you and your husband, either.

You might want to consider bringing your own lawyer, too. The legal system is it's whole own animal, and sometimes everyone in a room can see what the fair answer should be, but still feel the law requires the opposite. A lawyer can filter that for you. And ... you may need that lawyer to take over your son's case.

It is incredibly unfortunate when things get to a point like this. I don"t think ANYONE has the answers on how to handle it and make it all better; it just isn't going to be "all better." Hard truth to swallow.

But, in the middle of all that, you're still mom. If it was my child, I'd want to be there. It's my job.

I guess that is the only part I really know: I'd want to be there.

I agree with talking to a special beeds lawyer. I think that your son needs something beside jail or home, and you may need some expert opinion on how to get him there.

Good luck mama - Just today my DS flipped and had a meltdown where I had to restrain him as he was attacking our puppy. Both DH and I had a moment of worry about your exact situation.

Whether I showed up or not would depend on whether or not I felt I had anything to say in the presence of the judge, or in the controlled environment that it would be. For example, I might show up if I wanted to ask the judge to sentence my hypothetical son to court ordered anger management or psychiatric treatment, or I might show up to tell my hypothetical son off.

I WOULDN'T show up to plead with the judge to go easy on my son and declare he didn't mean it or couldn't help himself because as a person with AS, I can tell you that just because someone has AS or HFA does not mean that it's more acceptable for them to physically attack others as adults. I'm of the opinion if they do not learn how to control their rages by this time, they should go to jail for attacking others.

If he looks around the courtroom, I am sure he would like to see you there.

I would be there for him, without a doubt, no matter what. You're still his parent like it or not.

thank you all for your replies. i'm getting ready to go there this morning. the last place he needs to go is jail.
i'm going to try to get a minute with the judge before he does arraignments to voice my concerns.

my wits are not about me well enough for to say much more.

My thoughts are with you. I wish there was a clear answer for you. Please keep us posted - I know many here, possibly including myself, may walk the road you're on someday.

I know you have probably already gone, but I would get an attorney to represent his interests. I am not talking as a way of getting him off the hook, but as a way to make sure the judge knows his history and his consequences are appropriate and helpful to him and your family. Since he has resisted voluntarily getting any help, this could be the way to back him into a corner and force him to get what he needs. I know they are expensive, but a good attorney and you on his side in a firm, but loving way could turn this into a positive. I hope you get some good news today.

i got to the courts with as much courage as i could muster first thing in the morning after worrying all night, only to be told the arraignment will be this afternoon and the judge does not talk with private parties before arraignments.
i'll be heading back there soon. maybe i'll be able to voice concerns during the proceedings.
at this point, there's no reason for a lawyer, i've been told. my son has to enter a plea, then he's allowed to get representation. i'll make certain, then, that his interests are made priority. i don't trust the information entirely, but will be there for him no matter what.

Not a lawyer and I don't even play one on TV but I sure hope that he has been counselled to plead Not Guilty or he won't get a chance to have any representation. Will he even have a public defender there with him for the plea? My thoughts are with you and your family. This must be a nightmarish situation for you to be in. I can't even imagine.

it was a very very difficult day.

the arraignment was done by video. he was the only one in handcuffs because he's being uncooperative.

i was able to speak to the judge for about 30 seconds (literally) before proceedings began. i gave him a notice from Adult Protective Services regarding the report i had made just two days before the incident. i also let him know that he might not fully understand what the circumstances being that he's in "meltdown mode".

when given the opportunity to state his plea, he ranted a bit, then plead no contest, and considering what i had stated to him, the judge entered a plea of not guilty on his behalf.... then he set bond and conditions.

all day i'm getting calls from friends that my son has contacted trying to be bonded out. thankfully they know that it is in his best interest to stay in for now so that the state can mandate an evaluation of his condition, then require him to maintain going to treatment that he would not voluntarily seek.

it was clear to everyone who was in the courtroom that he has special needs. his anxiety was so great, that despite his best efforts to put on a strong bravado, he could barely express himself properly.

my heart broke leaving him in jail like that. tomorrow i rally to get him evaluated as soon as possible so that he can get out of there, get treatment instead, and hopefully be well enough to come home or manage on his own (whichever is best for him and my family).

...... i don't know why the judge, seeing how my son was speaking, didn't send him straight to a hospital.

I know it could have been worse, but it still breaks my heart. This isn't what any of us want for our kids.

praying for you.

The sad truth is that the judge has probably seen considerably worse.

I think you are doing your absolute best - your son needs to know that getting help is a really serious issue and sadly, this may be the only way to communicate that to him. I am so, so sorry it wound up this way - but I have hope for your future and your son. Again, I'm thinking of you both.

I feel for you, and truly hope your son gets the help he needs. It must be so difficult for you, and you should tell yourself that you are doing the best thing.
J.