How do I get my boyfriend to understand my child?
17 Sep 2011, 6:34 pm
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time getting your boyfriend settled into your home. I can sympathize, as I moved into a home with my boyfriend and his 8 year old about a year ago. Hopefully I can help give you some insight into what may be going through your boyfriend's head.
Something that weighs on me when I am feeling very low is that as much as I love my boyfriend, I will never get to experience being number one in his life. I knew that when I began dating a man with a child, but I wasn't aware of how lonely it could sometimes feel. There is a chance your boyfriend feels like an outsider sometimes. No matter how rational and correct you know it is, it can still hurt knowing you come last in the order of importance in the household. Try to keep that in mind when dealing with your boyfriend.
As far as helping your boyfriend understand your son's sensory needs, I would suggest gently pushing him to accompany your son to therapies, or perhaps rent some documentaries on autism. It's possible he has already been looking up information about autism behind your back. T's dad doesn't know I browse Wrongplanet.net.
My final advice will probably be that which you are most likely to disregard, and that is fine. In our home, we have a rule that T. is allowed to stim as much as he wants, but it is to be confined to his room. We certainly do not punish him for stimming outside of his room, but when we were first working on this, we gave him rewards for going longer and longer periods without stimming. The idea behind it is that it will be easier for him to avoid doing it outside of the home if he learns how inside the home. We are of the opinion that it is something that can be controlled to a degree, and that avoiding it helps avoid social stigma. This is just something to consider - I know many will probably disagree.
19 Sep 2011, 12:23 am
Here's an example. Last night, my son was rolling around the couch, which he likes to do, and my boyfriend asked him to stop and to sit up straight. I turned around and asked what was wrong. He said that my son was starting to move over to where he was sitting and had kicked him a couple of times. Knowing my son, it was by accident. My take on this, is that my son should be able to relax in his own home (we're living together). The only time I say something is when we are in public. I am teaching him how to be in public. Like watch for cars, watch where you are going, no fits or screaming at mom in the store, etc, etc...
We have had talks about my children. Prior to moving in with him, everything was fine. But now that time has passed, he feels as though he should be able to give me his opinion and/or advice about my kids. I informed him that I know more than he does, though I don't mind him giving his opinion, I am in no way going to change how I am raising my kids.
So, back to my question. How do I help him to understand better? After the couch incident, he could tell that I was a bit miffed by his reaction to my son. He has been helping me take care of my kids, but he doesn't seem to understand the tantrums and fits, and some of my son's behavior.
Sorry but I don't think your kid should be invading his personal space where he can accidentally kick him. He needs to stay away if he needs to roll around. If he needs to do something to relax can he at least find something else relaxing that won't involve other people?
19 Sep 2011, 2:05 am
I guess if you come on a forum, you have to expect some negative responses. Communication through written means is a somewhat laborious process, and open to misunderstandings. I suppose one has to be open. I got upset on a dog forum at some of the responses I got, and ceased posting there, but when I think about it perhaps in some ways some of my posts were a little extreme. I think it's better to be open about things and be prepared to change if necessary. We all want to protect our kids but need to consider other issues with a blended family.
I guess your initial post gave the impression that your kids came first (probably fair enough) and that it was ok for your child to kick your BF (albeit inadvertently). If you look at it like that, it's not surprising that most posters commented along the lines they did. However you have subsequently stated that the kick was more just of a touch.
If that's the case, then I don't see an issue, but obviously responses have to come from what is read.
In fact I think this is a rather helpful forum, and I feel I have received support in my difficulties with our boy.
I certainly agree that it is very hard for a NT person to understand what is going on with a person with mental illness. I have been married for more than twenty years to a bipolar schizophrenic, and still cannot truly say that I fully understand why she has so much difficulty coping at times. When our ASD/ADD son forgets what I have carefully explained to him a few minutes before, or does not grasp what seems the simplest thing, or gets cross at my reminders but then promptly himself forgets to do whatever is required, or seems completely incapable of simple organisation, it is a little incomprehensible to me. And trying to teasing out the elements of laziness as opposed to disability is very difficult.
So I don't think it is easy for someone to get a handle on this sort of thing in a hurry, but perhaps introducing him to this forum may help (eg the other day our son got completely stuck on a straightforward page of revision and I benefited from knowing about "brain fog" that ASD persons can suffer from), or just talking with him explaining things (but also taking his point of view and being flexible in your discussion) or getting some books on autism (we are working through Smart but Scattered recommended on this forum, as well as Trackers book, Congratulations Your Child is Strange, which gives an insightful view into life from an autistic's perspective)
Best of luck
19 Sep 2011, 9:03 am
Actually, it is a fairly accurate account of my personal experience as the boyfriend in a similar relationship. Overly harsh? Maybe, maybe not. The salient points are (1) we have read only one account, which was "re-explained" after being challenged, and (2) treating one family member with less consideration than any other family member is just plain wrong.
I was once in a similar situation as the boyfriend. I walked away from that relationship after it became apparent that she expected me to accommodate her son and allow him to hit me whenever he wanted - without complaining. Her reasoning was that avoiding him would somehow damage his self-esteem, and that saying "No" or "Stop that" was a form of abuse.
I understand that a mother would want to defend her child, but when that kid hit me in the face with a toy truck and drew blood while the mother told me that it's "no big deal", that's when I decided to walk away.
_________________
19 Sep 2011, 3:23 pm
Actually, it is a fairly accurate account of my personal experience as the boyfriend in a similar relationship. Overly harsh? Maybe, maybe not. The salient points are (1) we have read only one account, which was "re-explained" after being challenged, and (2) treating one family member with less consideration than any other family member is just plain wrong.
I was once in a similar situation as the boyfriend. I walked away from that relationship after it became apparent that she expected me to accommodate her son and allow him to hit me whenever he wanted - without complaining. Her reasoning was that avoiding him would somehow damage his self-esteem, and that saying "No" or "Stop that" was a form of abuse.
I understand that a mother would want to defend her child, but when that kid hit me in the face with a toy truck and drew blood while the mother told me that it's "no big deal", that's when I decided to walk away.
We're talking needs that go beyond the child's self-esteem here, and if this post had been any of us talking about our own child kicking us by mistake, the responses would have been overwhelming on the side of understanding that the child did not mean it! Because this one time you could relate better to the presumably NT boyfriend, your empathy went in that direction instead.
The needs of an AS child will trump the wants of adults in the home, that is the whole basis of how this board has encouraged parents to raise AS kids. Parents here are having a lot of success with that, and are NOT raising brats. The boyfriend isn't AS as far as we can tell; he is probably far more capable of dealing with an accidental kick than the AS child is able to prevent doing it.
Kids DO have needs, too, and a common one for AS kids is to MOVE. If the boyfriend was AS and in connection with that the kick had overly upset him, as it obviously would the AS members on this board, then the conversation turns to balancing the respective needs. But until we know of the adult having a special need, we assume he is more capable of making allowances for the AS child, than the AS child is of meeting his standards.
I disagree with what your ex did, in apparently not censoring the child at all, but this is a different situation.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
Last edited by DW_a_mom on 19 Sep 2011, 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
19 Sep 2011, 3:52 pm
The fit is always different when the shoe is tried on the other foot.
If I knew the boyfriend, I'd advise him to bail out before he became legally committed to the relationship.
_________________
19 Sep 2011, 4:08 pm
Actually, it is a fairly accurate account of my personal experience as the boyfriend in a similar relationship. Overly harsh? Maybe, maybe not. The salient points are (1) we have read only one account, which was "re-explained" after being challenged, and (2) treating one family member with less consideration than any other family member is just plain wrong.
I was once in a similar situation as the boyfriend. I walked away from that relationship after it became apparent that she expected me to accommodate her son and allow him to hit me whenever he wanted - without complaining. Her reasoning was that avoiding him would somehow damage his self-esteem, and that saying "No" or "Stop that" was a form of abuse.
I understand that a mother would want to defend her child, but when that kid hit me in the face with a toy truck and drew blood while the mother told me that it's "no big deal", that's when I decided to walk away.
We're talking needs that go beyond the child's self-esteem here, and if this post had been any of us talking about our own child kicking us by mistake, the responses would have been overwhelming on the side of understanding that the child did not mean it! Because this one time you could relate better to the presumably NT boyfriend, your empathy went in that direction instead.
The needs of an AS child will trump the wants of adults in the home, that is the whole basis of how this board has encouraged parents to raise AS kids. Parents here are having a lot of success with that, and are NOT raising brats. The boyfriend isn't AS as far as we can tell; he is probably far more capable of dealing with an accidental kick than the AS child is able to prevent doing it.
Kids DO have needs, too, and a common one for AS kids is to MOVE. If the boyfriend was AS and in connection with that the kick had overly upset him, as it obviously would the AS members on this board, then the conversation turns to balancing the respective needs. But until we know of the adult having a special need, we assume he is more capable of making allowances for the AS child, than the AS child is of meeting his standards.
I disagree with what your ex did, in apparently not sensoring the child at all, but this is a different situation.
So are you saying it's okay for the AS boy to do what he is doing to the OP's BF?
If the bf had AS too, would it not make it okay for the AS boy to keep doing what he is doing?
I don't think this is fair. I don't think aspies should have special privileges to annoy other people just because they are NT and should put up with it. This is not how I was raised or else my mother would have let me tease other kids and do annoying things I found relaxing.
19 Sep 2011, 10:21 pm
Actually, it is a fairly accurate account of my personal experience as the boyfriend in a similar relationship. Overly harsh? Maybe, maybe not. The salient points are (1) we have read only one account, which was "re-explained" after being challenged, and (2) treating one family member with less consideration than any other family member is just plain wrong.
I was once in a similar situation as the boyfriend. I walked away from that relationship after it became apparent that she expected me to accommodate her son and allow him to hit me whenever he wanted - without complaining. Her reasoning was that avoiding him would somehow damage his self-esteem, and that saying "No" or "Stop that" was a form of abuse.
I understand that a mother would want to defend her child, but when that kid hit me in the face with a toy truck and drew blood while the mother told me that it's "no big deal", that's when I decided to walk away.
We're talking needs that go beyond the child's self-esteem here, and if this post had been any of us talking about our own child kicking us by mistake, the responses would have been overwhelming on the side of understanding that the child did not mean it! Because this one time you could relate better to the presumably NT boyfriend, your empathy went in that direction instead.
The needs of an AS child will trump the wants of adults in the home, that is the whole basis of how this board has encouraged parents to raise AS kids. Parents here are having a lot of success with that, and are NOT raising brats. The boyfriend isn't AS as far as we can tell; he is probably far more capable of dealing with an accidental kick than the AS child is able to prevent doing it.
Kids DO have needs, too, and a common one for AS kids is to MOVE. If the boyfriend was AS and in connection with that the kick had overly upset him, as it obviously would the AS members on this board, then the conversation turns to balancing the respective needs. But until we know of the adult having a special need, we assume he is more capable of making allowances for the AS child, than the AS child is of meeting his standards.
I disagree with what your ex did, in apparently not sensoring the child at all, but this is a different situation.
So are you saying it's okay for the AS boy to do what he is doing to the OP's BF?
If the bf had AS too, would it not make it okay for the AS boy to keep doing what he is doing?
I don't think this is fair. I don't think aspies should have special privileges to annoy other people just because they are NT and should put up with it. This is not how I was raised or else my mother would have let me tease other kids and do annoying things I found relaxing.
I am saying that everything is facts and circumstances. As the OP said, home is supposed to be this child's free space, where he can stim and move and be free of most social constraints, because trying to comply with social constraints is stressful to the child. That is a philosophy that can help reduce meltdowns and other major issues.
My son has kicked all of us. If he does it in anger, or to physically force his way, he has consequences. But that hasn't happened since he was little. He has learned that rule. But will he kick by accident while trying to get comfortable on the sofa? Yes. Is he in trouble for that? No. He is told that we don't like it, and asked to keep within a certain amount of space. But, overall, it isn't that big a deal. Annoying, sure, but if family members can't ever annoy each other, when can you be yourself?
Entirely different topic than what you do outside of the home. Outside of the home we teach our kids the social rules, and they follow them. But for some kids with AS, that takes a lot of focus and energy, so when they are home, they need to be free of it.
It depends on the child and what you have discovered he is capable of.
Getting a child to sit still on the sofa but ending up with more meltdowns isn't a productive trade off. In my world, everything that helps my son be better able to confront the challenges he faces is a positive.
And if that means a foot sometimes hits my leg, so be it.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
20 Sep 2011, 10:28 am
If I knew the boyfriend, I'd advise him to bail out before he became legally committed to the relationship.
You don't have anywhere near enough information to make that conclusion.
Please understand that on this board, the goal is to help people be better parents to their kids, whether that is an NT parent trying to raise an AS child, an AS parent trying to raise their own children, or any combination. It is never helpful to tell a parent they are wrong. All that does is get them to leave this board.
While gently pointing out the boyfriend's side might have had a place, there is nothing gentle in your statement. The boyfriend doesn't need a knight to run to his rescue: not only is he not the one posting here, but he's a grown man and presumably can handle himself. The main advocacy in this thread should have been for the child. This is the parenting board, not Love and Dating.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
20 Sep 2011, 11:40 am
If I knew the boyfriend, I'd advise him to bail out before he became legally committed to the relationship.
You don't have anywhere near enough information to make that conclusion.
Please understand that on this board, the goal is to help people be better parents to their kids, whether that is an NT parent trying to raise an AS child, an AS parent trying to raise their own children, or any combination. It is never helpful to tell a parent they are wrong. All that does is get them to leave this board.
While gently pointing out the boyfriend's side might have had a place, there is nothing gentle in your statement. The boyfriend doesn't need a knight to run to his rescue: not only is he not the one posting here, but he's a grown man and presumably can handle himself. The main advocacy in this thread should have been for the child. This is the parenting board, not Love and Dating.
DW, thank you for being the voice of reason and helping us keep things in perspective. Over the past 16 months that I have been on this board, I have been quite annoyed and at times very angry with particular people who choose to post here in the parent's forum and the harsh words that have been used by those people. The ones that have upset me most have been people who are not parents and do not have the experience of being the one who is solely responsible for the well-being of a minor child. At times I just want to scream that if you aren't a parent you just shouldn't come here! Then I am reminded how very much I have learned from people like Tracker and many others who aren't parents yet take their time to come here and share their experiences with us. Posts like the one you just made help me remember that for the most part this forum works because the door is open to all and a balance can be struck. It also reminds me to take what I like and leave the rest.
Thanks!
22 Sep 2011, 3:32 am
Is it possible for your bf to attend a parenting course? I went on a course called "The Early Bird". It was primarily aimed at newly diagnosed and for parents, carers, TA's etc. It was enormously helpful. Over the years I immersed myself in learning everything I could about Autism. I know without taking an active approach, I wouldn't understand my dd as I do now -and I'm still learning.
Ultimately though I'm guessing that if your bf isn't pro-active in learning as much as he can, he'll never 'get' your son like you do. I do think there are some folk, that no matter what they read - they struggle to truly feel/understand the AS child ( I'm not taking about ppl with AS here - but generally , ie family, school staff).
I hope it all works out for you all x
22 Sep 2011, 8:54 am
I think the beauty of this board is that we can get perspective from other parents and perspective of what it could be like for our kids. I don't think that in this case the issue was lack of boyfriend perspective.
I will say I agree with Fnord to a certain extent - if someone doesn't have children of their own, it is sometimes an insurmountable challenge to be in a relationship with someone with a demanding special needs child. He said it differently, but I think that the message is basically, your needs won't come first, it will be hard, you will feel unappreciated and frustrated. For those of us who are parents, we say - no joke, that's what parenting looks like before you add autism. For those who aren't parents, it's a pretty huge hurdle. In our society women are somewhat used to putting their needs aside, men not as much. This is probably a bigger challenge for many men.
Btw - I don't know that I would voluntarily sign up to be a step parent in my house. Im glad DH and I are in this together, because no one would be able to put their needs aside as much as we are required to.
For the OP - there is a really great video out there which shows what having a learning disability is like. It is great to help others get perspective. I will get the title and re post. It may help your bf see what a tiny slice of life is like for your son.
22 Sep 2011, 8:58 am
If I knew the boyfriend, I'd advise him to bail out before he became legally committed to the relationship.
You don't have anywhere near enough information to make that conclusion.
Please understand that on this board, the goal is to help people be better parents to their kids, whether that is an NT parent trying to raise an AS child, an AS parent trying to raise their own children, or any combination. It is never helpful to tell a parent they are wrong. All that does is get them to leave this board.
While gently pointing out the boyfriend's side might have had a place, there is nothing gentle in your statement. The boyfriend doesn't need a knight to run to his rescue: not only is he not the one posting here, but he's a grown man and presumably can handle himself. The main advocacy in this thread should have been for the child. This is the parenting board, not Love and Dating.
DW, thank you for being the voice of reason and helping us keep things in perspective. Over the past 16 months that I have been on this board, I have been quite annoyed and at times very angry with particular people who choose to post here in the parent's forum and the harsh words that have been used by those people. The ones that have upset me most have been people who are not parents and do not have the experience of being the one who is solely responsible for the well-being of a minor child. At times I just want to scream that if you aren't a parent you just shouldn't come here! Then I am reminded how very much I have learned from people like Tracker and many others who aren't parents yet take their time to come here and share their experiences with us. Posts like the one you just made help me remember that for the most part this forum works because the door is open to all and a balance can be struck. It also reminds me to take what I like and leave the rest.
Thanks!
Yup, DW's ability to cut to the heart of the matter in an articulate, kind manner is something I really appreciate on these boards. It is a wonderful skill.
I really enjoy all the different perspectives here, and learn from them, and I actually find this board fairly moderate as far as people being harsh and extreme in their opinions. I've recently been frequenting a disney planning forum, and would you believe I've often seen far worse behaviour over there than anything I've ever encountered here!
To the OP, if the OP is still around, I would recommend a book on ASD for your boyfriend. There is a sticky with recommended reading material at the top of the parenting section, and many great books recommended therein. I find that sometimes it is more productive to hand over a book, and to let the expert who wrote it do the teaching, rather than trying to convince them yourself, when your views may just be chalked up to those of an indulgent parent.
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