Helping 6 1/2 year old son deal with bullying situations

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My son is 6 years old with PDD-NOS. He is slighly delayed academically and socially. He is verbal, but has a different quality to his speech and may have a little trouble with word finding, but otherwise is okay.

He like riding his bike around outside in our housing complex. He enjoys interacting with the other boys in the complex.

A neighbour mentioned that she overheard my son telling a couple of other boys (age 8 & 10) "don't pinch me." She wanted to let me know that she thinks its good that he is using his words and calling the kids on this behaviour (as he has been taught). But she wanted me to realize that the other boys might be hurting him.

I also noted that there is another boy who visits in the complex. My husband has observed this boy try to exclude my son from games on the playground. My husband just intervenes and says, the playground is for everyone. He (my son) can join in by ..."

I want to teach my son how to stand up and defend himself against bullies on his own. I don't want to have to intervene unless there is a serious safety or emotional issue (I am told that parental involvement can sometimes make the bullying situation worse).

I mentioned it to a friend of mine (who also has a son on the spectrum) and also one of the Special Education Assistants at my son's school (although this issue takes place off school property and time - I figured she might have some good ideas). Both my friend and the Special Education Assistant said, "tell him (my son) to pinch 'em back" My friend added, "saying 'no, stop. don't pinch me makes the parents happy, but neurotypical kids would just hit or pinch back and then the problem would stop."

I am not sure if I am comfortable with this advice. My father used to tell me the same thing when I was being picked on in school. The thing is - my son is like me - bigger, but awkward and not particularly strong or quick. My father's advice would have just lead to my getting completely beaten up by my tormentors - who were wiry, nimble and strong. When I did react to harrassment or being pestered by physically lashing out (I once threw a large hunk of clay in Grade 6 art class at a girl who was constantly throwing spit balls at me - the stupid teacher caught me and I got in trouble. When I told the stupid teacher what had been happening before she saw me finally throw something at the girl - she said, "I'm not interested, I caught YOU." Of course the girl and her friends thought that this was hilarious and the pestering continued..... Ergo - I am not a huge fan of "just hit 'em back".

Sooooo - what is an actual EFFECTIVE way for my son (and I) to deal with other kids being mean. I want my son to engage socially and I want him to learn how to stop small problems before they become big problems. I want him to be able to do this independently (if possible) because it is a good life skill to develop.

Any thoughts?

CR

One VITAL thing to his success in school is that he tell the TEACHERS what the students are doing to him before he does anything else. I made the mistake of lashing back (usually not physically because I'm terrified of actually hurting someone), and the teachers caught me but didn't do anything about the other kids since what I did was apparently much worse than what the kids did. Your son probably can't tell the difference between what is exactly as bad as what the other kids are doing and what is much, much worse. Also I agree that he may get beaten up. Also, parents of the kids might complain and bad things would happen to your son.

I'm not sure about what he should do outside of school, though, but I hope that helps.

Wow - I agree, having an AS kid pinch or hit back in most cases backfires horribly: they wind up being the scapegoat for the whole thing, which often happened to my son as we were trying to teach him not to strike out.

Sounds like you have more than one thing going on here: first of all, a younger kid around older kids. Second, there's the issue of social decoding and appropriate social response...which would be there to some degree in an NT six-year-old.

Are there any adults around? When my son told me he would absolutely not go tell an adult under any circumstances, we sat down and figured out another strategy. I told him to go stand near the adult, and if a kid was picking on him, to say "Stop doing ______________, I don't like it." Hopefully, if the child continued, the adult would take notice and step in...and in school, this did happen.

In a playground, I'm not so sure. Adults who aren't specifically watching a child may not want to get involved with strangers. I'm not trying to judge you here - but is there any way he can be supervised a bit more closely when he's outside? I'm not talking staying arms-length, just making sure he's got an advocate (probably an adult, though maybe a teen could do it) nearby keeping an eye out for interactions going bad. Six is still small enough that I don't think anyone will assume you're hovering.

is there any way he can be supervised a bit more closely when he's outside? I'm not talking staying arms-length, just making sure he's got an advocate (probably an adult, though maybe a teen could do it) nearby keeping an eye out for interactions going bad. Six is still small enough that I don't think anyone will assume you're hovering.[/quote]

Yeah - my husband and I try to go out more often to check on things. It's hard - the way that my unit is designed - my kitchen, where I have to prepare meals and stuff after working full time outside of the house - is located in the middle of the ground floor and without windows to see what is going on outside. I don't actually have ANY windows or sliding glass doors that have ready access so that I can manage my home and my younger daughter AND provide continuous supervision to my son outside.

I did notice one kid riding his bike and intentially brush really close to my child. I just pointed it out, saying, "(Name of kid), I saw you steer right for (name of my kid). Not cool!!" I find that saying something simple like this right when it happens makes the older kids back off or resume more appropriate play and interaction with my son. I don't want to get too ballistic on the kids - because then my son might be targetted more .... and I will have angry parents after me as well.

Just an aside and a bit of a rant - it really, really pisses me off that parents of NTs can just have their kids play outside. I have to supervise my child - not because he is a huge flight risk or that he will not behave himself - I have to supervise to make sure the NT kids don't hurt him. It would be nice if the parents of the NT kids (who are actually being the bullies) could keep a better eye on THEIR children (especially since they are the ones who are behaving badly). The parents of NT kids won't though - their kids are the bullies and these parents are too busy watching tv or filing their nails to really bother with the job of parenting... Thank you - rant over.

Don't know if this is an option for you, but I have had my son take karate (Mixed Martial Arts, actually) for over a year and it has really helped him with bullying. The instructors spend a lot of time working with kids on how to handle bullies (voice and posture, only fight if there is no choice). It also helps with his confidence.

Good luck,