Wish I was normal - so angry with myself

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I have just started a new job, and I love it. I work in a secondary school as a teaching assistant and the school is wonderful, the kids are great and I really am looking forward to going into work.

So why, you may ask, am I feeling so stressed? I have aspergers (it has never been diagnosed as I'm an adult and have been unsure as to whether it is worth it) but I haven't told anyone at work except one person and that was because she picked up on it anyway. I like to have one ally in work who I can confide in and check things over with when I am unsure of myself. But no one else knows. I really want to do my teacher training at this school, so I want to do well.

But I find I do things wrong and I have no idea why what I've done is wrong. I can't go into too much, in case I give myself away as to who I am, but basically I did something today that seem to upset one of the teachers. I spoke to her about it, and she said it was fine, but even one of the kids said something about how the teacher reacted. I was just helping the kid. I have no idea what I did wrong.

Also, when I first started, a lot of the department were asking me a lot of questions. The staff member I entrusted let me know that they were having a bit of a joke in the way they were asking questions. I honestly couldn't tell. I don't want anyone to guess I have it because my experience from telling people is that they treat me differently, and I really don't want to be treated differently. It's never worked out well when I've told people.

I should point out that I can fake it. I have friends who are a lot more obvious than I am with the Aspergers. Though it does take a lot of energy to keep it up, I am constantly second guessing myself, and my Aspergers shows a lot more when I am tired, which I am with this job.

I find kids easy to deal with, but I can't deal with adults very easily. Everyone keeps going on about what a great team the department is at the school, and I really want to be part of that team. But I always find I am slightly on the edge of any team. Not in a bad way, as in I work well with a team and all that. I am often told that I am very helpful and reliable and what an asset I am to the team and such. It's the social times I feel most uncomfortable. Lunch times and break times. I am not good at that. I tried to bring a book in to read, but then I look unsociable because I'm reading.

I am just having a really hard time and such. I don't normally feel like this. I don't really let myself get depressed, but I feel myself sinking, and I don't know why because like I said, I really am enjoying my job.

Sorry, I just feel I needed to talk to people who would actually understand.

I have a neurotypical friend who just finished teacher training, and she said everything you said. Teacher training is stressful, and for those of us with Asperger's, maybe more so.

In my experience at work (I've never worked in a school, but I imagine it would be similar) how stressful the social side is depends on what I want out of it. I have also always been very much on the fringes socially. I would always choose to spend my lunch breaks alone (unless there was a special outing like someone's birthday on my team) and did not usually go along to evening socials after work unless it was something "official" like a staff Christmas party. But that was through choice, I had a few close friends outside of work and preferred to spend time with them or with my family, I didn't really want a wide circle of friends or lively social scene. And I never felt I was treated badly at work because of it - I worked hard and was always polite and friendly to the other staff (although not one for lengthy "water cooler" chats) so I think they did respect me for that. I was very comfortable with things that way and it didn't cause me any undue stress.

If I had wanted to really be "in the thick of things" socially, then I think I could have been. I don't think I would have been excluded from the team lunches or after work outings if I had expressed an interest in going, but I would have had to make much more of an effort to join in with the office gossip as well as at the events themselves which, for me, would have been quite draining on top of trying to get my work done. So that would have been more stressful, but would have accomplished a goal. Although I have accepted a long time ago that in these types of settings I will never be the most popular person, and simply being included and avoiding any upset and arguments is probably as good as it gets in a group I haven't chosen socially. If I could find one or two people, like you seem to have, who I genuinely got on well with then I would talk to them at the social events and that would make things much more pleasant.

Really, it is up to you how involved you want to be with your colleagues. If you want to achieve a level of friendship that takes you out of your comfort zone then that is bound to be a bit stressful, but may be achievable if you work at it. On the other hand, if you are comfortable being on the edge of things, don't be stressed that you are not living up to some expectation you have of yourself to be more social than you really want to be.

The problem is that all staff have breaks at the same time and the only place to eat is in the staffroom. You are kind of forced into social situations then. And I do try so very hard, but they tend to look at me like I'm talking rubbish.

I find it so hard to explain about the aspergers without it appearing like I'm totally useless. I know I'm not useless, and I can do really well. They just need to understand that all those unwritten rules and expectations that aren't made clear to me, I won't realise.

Today at work has done nothing to build my confidence, and actually I feel even more nervous about doing anything in case I get it wrong.

This is me, the girl who whenever something good happens, I ruin it for myself. And I never know how or why. I just want to be normal.