Deciding to cut family off/out of my life.

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Don't know if any of y'all remember my circumstances....I was diagnosed about a month after my Daddy died (3 years ago now). I'll be 45 on my next birthday & my families responses to my dx of AS TOTALLY SUCK ALL THE LEMONS IN THE TREE. (I just made that up....)

My mom should be the poster biotch for FRIGID MOMS OF AMERICA....which is STRANGE because she's only frigid to me ALL (4 sisters & 3 brothers) my siblings have "normal" relationships with her (or as normal as is possible with all the dysfunction floating in the air)

My oldest sister is a know-it-all-liberal-democrat-LAWYER, who believes that if everyone just did EXACTLY what she says, then their life will be magically wonderful. She totally believes my AS is "BS" (her words, not mine).

I'm the youngest & not ONE, SINGLE COWARD of my bro's & sis's between me & the "Ogre from Uttumwa" will stand up to this biotch. (that's the nickname ol' frigid biotch has planted on my "dear, ol' sister".....leaves me to wonder WHAT THE HELL THEY ALL CALL ME BEHIND MY BACK?)

My mother also refuses to put a stop to Ogre's shenanigans.... which leaves me out in the cold at all these family gatherings.

It's stressfull & depressing and I've noticed that I've been getting BITTER about all of it recently (all this "frigid mommy" crap has just started since July).

So, I'm thinking of not attending anymore of those wonderful family get togethers...dh is 100% behind me & our son agrees. This will be the last year our daughter will be under our roof...

What do y'all think?

Has anyone else ever cut family off/out of their life & how did that work for ya'?

I had to do this with my abusive father and some understood and others didn't. I wasn't particularly bitter, just realistic. When you do what you need to do in ugly circumstances....well, I just don't think

is exactly applicable, but I understand the impulse to ask the question.

I would write her a letter telling her how much she hurt you by completely minimizing your struggles when you confided in her. This would likely be better than telling her off because lawyers tend to be good at debating/arguing and will stand their ground when challenged whether they're right or not. It becomes about winning and this shouldn't be about winning.

It's about things you struggle with whether she thinks AS or you have it or not, and her lack of support and consideration for your feelings.



Either they agree with her or know it's futile and don't care to argue with her.



If you mother has just recently started acting cold to you, there is probably a reason. It could be she's upset with you for some reason, or angry/embarrassed or feels guilty due to your diagnosis and just doesn't know how to deal with it. You might try visiting with her for a day and approaching her on the issue.



I wouldn't be so quick to cut them off without talking to them first, individually.

I lived with various relatives for most of my life. My Asperger traits drove them crazy, and their NT traits, and expectations drove me crazy. I have been living alone for the past few years now, and get on better with my relatives because of it. There are still problems, but most of the time we no longer get under each other's skin because we are no longer forced to deal with one another, and with our respective traits, on a constant basis. I never want to live with anyone again. Although my life is far from perfect, it is much calmer and more peaceful most of the time. Before, it was too chaotic and stressful all of the time. My chronic depression was much worse then. I am much better able to cope emotionally now that I can be alone at home most of the time.

I do think you would benefit from skipping major family get togethers, at least for a while, but you should try to maintain some less intense contact with your relatives, until you find out whether that helps or not. Perhaps phone calls once a week to your mother, and the same or emails to your siblings once a week. However, if you can't fix things with your oldest sister, you should minimize contact with her, and if you encounter her at family gatherings, just politely say hello, and move off to hang out with the other people there. If none of this improves your family situation, then you can try cutting them off, at least for a while, because your marital family doesn't need the stress from your volatile birth family contacts.

I hope this helps. Remember, we on the spectrum are all:

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

--Henry David Thoreau

^ I like the quote.

I think you have Star Wars confused with Star Trek: DS9.

I understand totally. My family can't stand me at all. If I keep my distance they go through periods of telling people they love me and am proud of me, switching randomly to avoiding me and not wanting me near them for months or years at a time.

I know I haven't done anything horrible or terribly rude, and the switch happens when I'm talking to them and as well as when I'm keeping a... respectful distance. I can't for the life of me understand it.

My girlfriends family is a good example of this. They went from loving me and talking about me like I was the greatest thing since sliced bread to... after one month of living with them between moving... hating me with a fury. I ask why and the only things she will tell me they are mad about is: I left the lights on sometimes, I didn't share all my food (I kept donughts in the room I was using, but left muffins and dinner stuff in their kitchen for sharing), and when I left I felt bad that they were so angry and tried to give a bit of money for rent since my presense was obviously so painful to them... that pissed them off more, apparently and they went from hating me for giving them money to demanding more.

I have no idea and it makes no sense to me, but there it is.

I'd offer advice, but I'm a liberal democrat, and therefore scum of the Earth.

I have no idea what or who you are. I am intimatly familiar with my sister; she feels HER way is the ONLY way. I've never personally felt that way & in this thread was only complaining about her intolerance. Please take yours somewhere else.

No, I just happen to like R2-D2 ***&*** have added a few things from VOYAGER to my avatar (for the fun of it)

Chronos, thank you for the well-thought comments. I really appreciate it!

Unfortunatly, about 15 yrs ago a therapist "helped" me to write a letter to my family (this was WAY before my AS diagnosis) I mailed the letter and that caused HUGE problems....so I don't write anymore (which is REALLY part of the dysfunction in my family).

By the sound of many of the comments here, this is not an unusual situation (an Aspie wanting distance from "family").

I have definitely considered limiting my contact with certain family members eventually. I always hated the word family as well. I thought it was stupid that one has to always be somehow linked to an individual just because they came out of the same place you did(siblings). From what I have seen, at times family can be just as dirty to you as someone off a street, a friend/acquaintances. But for some reason because they are your "family" you must forget about it and continue to be involved with them. It's silly

I limit contact with most of my family. On my mom's side, the only person I talk to is my grandma (grandpa and mother are dead and the rest of them are society f**ktards). They spit on me for being weird when I was little. I don't want to find out what they'd be like now.

I don't see my stepmom since my dad died 'cause her sisters won't let me. One sister always made fun of me and now they both think I'm evil. Go figure. I think the world is probably a bit easier on Aspie guys. I miss Mom. She isn't very nice, but at least she took me for who I am.

My Dad was one of my best friends in the entire world. He died alone and rotted in his bed because I was 1000 miles away and Mom was in a nursing home and he'd quit talking to his family because he got tired of being used and then dismissed and being made fun of for being emotional and called stupid because he didn't get all the detailed social s**t.

Other than my grandma, one first cousin, and one second cousin, I don't talk to my dad's side of the family very much. Once a month maybe, just so I'm still part of the family in case Grandma needs me. They treat me just about like they treated Daddy-- a little bit worse, because I get more anxious and I can't hide it. They love me but they don't like me. It's mutual.

I try to act normal around my in-laws when I have to see them, and avoid them when I can. Too bad right now the kids and I are living in their house (they need some help, FIL has a lot of medical issues). Further too bad that the house we're working on buying has an in-law apartment, and we're buying it so they can move into the apartment when my MIL retires. Medical issues plus the fact that they have no savings and no way in Hell can they manage money well enough to survive on Social Security (if they could, they wouldn't be savingsless and up to their knees in debt).

I'm thinking of looking for some very remote property and putting up a very small cabin on it. Nobody gets to know where it is except me, DH, the kids, and exactly two of my closest friends.

I don't know what to tell you. If I did, I'd be able to solve my family problems.

Family is a good thing they can help you with stuff.

But your a very cute Liberal democrat

Did it cause problems because of the way it was worded, what you expected to come of it, or because you don't have a right to assert yourself as a person in your family?