Son refuses to go to the bathroom

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KariHari
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24 Oct 2011, 11:55 am

Good luck!

My son's issue is completely #1 oriented, no issues with #2 at all -he'll go to the bathroom on his own for that. I guess I should just be thankful and not let the arguing, pee-pee dance and occasional wet bathroom floor bother me.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.



Eureka-C
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24 Oct 2011, 3:45 pm

I was just wondering, who does the cleaning after the accidents?

Here is my thought. Logically, if the time taken to have the accident, take a shower/rinse to get clean, put on clean clothes, clean the floor and toilet and put clothes in washer and start it is much longer than the time missed by waiting a few extra minutes of a game or otherwise, it may put incentive to following the timer/reminders et cetera. This is of course without yelling, fear, shame, just the logic of You made the mess so you have to help clean it even if it was an accident. Throw in a few comments of "boy this takes a lot of time." "It must be hard to keep having these accidents and use up all your fun time to clean up afterward. Is there any way I could help you remember to go?"



DW_a_mom
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24 Oct 2011, 4:37 pm

KariHari wrote:
I guess I should just be thankful and not let the arguing, pee-pee dance and occasional wet bathroom floor bother me.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.


I'm thinking you've come to your conclusion.

Perhaps some spare jeans and undies in his backpack to ease your "accident at school worry," and you're set.

So many things with our kids happen in their own time and in their own way. Sometimes just being patient and not letting it bother you is the best.

But only you can decide.


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KariHari
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24 Oct 2011, 4:44 pm

Haven't really come to a conclusion, just thinking I may not have worded my question correctly to begin with. It's less an "accident" issue, so much as it's an argument issue. I don't feel like the solutions offered (while I appreciate them) are suited to what's happening. I want him to go before he starts squirming and holding and before it becomes extremely rushed. I worry about what holding it in will do eventually. I think I'll try timed toileting again and do a reward system for it. No way does he need diapers and he does take the time to clean up when the rare accident happens, so I really feel like he doesn't either recognize or prioritize. I just don't want to argue with him about it anymore. I appreciate everyone's responses.



Kailuamom
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24 Oct 2011, 6:17 pm

I don't have a solution, so I wasn't responding.

That said, I just wanted to tell you that we have the same issues, except it is with BMs. He just doesn't want to, so he holds it. He doesn't like going! I believe it is emotional (priorities and sensory/physical).

I have tried everything, and finally at almost 12, I think he's sick of it so started negotiating rewards that matter to him. For my son, the natural consequences have been physical and a real bummer making it harder to deal with. I have tried to stay out of it because i got sick of the fighting. But, until he's ready to re-prioritize nothing was going to change.

Today is the first day that he is actively taking the Drs suggestions about how to improve matters.



KariHari
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24 Oct 2011, 6:23 pm

Thank you :)



MomtoJoeJoe
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24 Oct 2011, 7:38 pm

Not so much advice, but just wanted to let you know that I am here with you too! My son just turned six and always used to wait to the last minute and had probably about 10 accidents in pre-k, (they kept extra clothes in case, but would tell me). Then he went to summer camp and they had "nap time" he actually number 2 in his pants two times in a week because he would NOT ask to go to the bathroom during nap time. He said that they told him he wasn't allowed to get up or talk so he didn't know what to do. It broke my heart :(

But he started kindergarten in August and has only had ONE accident and that is because someone left the "in use" card that they have on when there was actually no one in there and he refused to go because the card was not flipped. But I have to constantly tell him to go potty before we go anywhere and bug him to go when we are out because he is a BIG drinker and rarely asks to go to the potty unless it is #2 when he will demand to go asap! But he also has trouble with wiping and he still wears nighttime diapers because he sleeps very very heavily.

Sorry this is so long but I just had so much to say! I think just asking and asking and reminding him to go is the best. He will get there, he is still young.!

good luck and hugs!



lovelyboy
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24 Oct 2011, 10:45 pm

Eureka-C wrote:
I was just wondering, who does the cleaning after the accidents?

Here is my thought. Logically, if the time taken to have the accident, take a shower/rinse to get clean, put on clean clothes, clean the floor and toilet and put clothes in washer and start it is much longer than the time missed by waiting a few extra minutes of a game or otherwise, it may put incentive to following the timer/reminders et cetera. This is of course without yelling, fear, shame, just the logic of You made the mess so you have to help clean it even if it was an accident. Throw in a few comments of "boy this takes a lot of time." "It must be hard to keep having these accidents and use up all your fun time to clean up afterward. Is there any way I could help you remember to go?"


My son sometimes try to clean up....but often it's to a big mess to clean up by himself! :cry: :cry:
He really feels ashamed about it but oh boy sometimes it gets to me when it doesn't seem to bother him...
We even tried once or twice (before we had a diagnosis....so sad to say, whished we knew better earlier)...to leave him on the toilet to whipe himself...he sat there for more than 2 hours...when he started to meltdown on the toilet, we obviously realized this is not an option......

Oh, and don't forget....what I started to notice with my son is that he will sometimes do things just to enjoy the expression on your face! Mine loves to see the shock or upset, misreeds it totaly....... :oops:


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Kailuamom
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25 Oct 2011, 10:25 am

Eureka-C wrote:
I was just wondering, who does the cleaning after the accidents?

Here is my thought. Logically, if the time taken to have the accident, take a shower/rinse to get clean, put on clean clothes, clean the floor and toilet and put clothes in washer and start it is much longer than the time missed by waiting a few extra minutes of a game or otherwise, it may put incentive to following the timer/reminders et cetera. This is of course without yelling, fear, shame, just the logic of You made the mess so you have to help clean it even if it was an accident. Throw in a few comments of "boy this takes a lot of time." "It must be hard to keep having these accidents and use up all your fun time to clean up afterward. Is there any way I could help you remember to go?"


Hi Eureka -

Your suggestion is the preferred management for NT kids. At least my AS kid can't tie in his physical signals, sensory issues and priorities.

My NT. son didn't much like going when he was little, I trained him how to do the laundry and let him manage the issue. It took care of itself. There are just too many missing links for our AS kids Btw, before I knew what was up, we tried and tried that approach - just couldn't figure out why it wasn't working.



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26 Oct 2011, 3:10 am

KariHari wrote:
Hi! I'm brand new here, so I apologize if this question has been asked and answered before.

My son is 9, was recently diagnosed with Asperger's, and has always put off using the bathroom until the last moment (or too late). He says he doesn't have to go, even as he's doing the "pee-pee dance". I don't know if he can't sense that he has to go, doesn't like going, doesn't want to stop what he's doing to go, or hates washing his hands after, (all could be true) but it's a big issue in our house and I'd love some ideas from those who've experienced this. Even timed toileting isn't working because he really fights me.

Thanks!


Since he is doing the "pee pee dance" he likely knows that he has to go. The most probable reason he doesn't is because, it's a very big inconvenience. He most likely has transition issues and taking the time out of his day to go to the bathroom is a very big transition.

Eventually he'll get tired of wetting his pants and figure it's just better to get it done with as fast as possible.



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26 Oct 2011, 3:13 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
Have you talked to him about the possibility of wearing diapers? My thinking here is that if he sees the world as having two alternatives to choose from (diapers or bathroom), he might dig deeper on helping you help him. And if he honestly prefers the idea of diapers ... Something to think about.


I would not do this as a number of children on the spectrum would gladly choose the diapers and be rather content with it and then you will have another problem to deal with.



Macysmom
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26 Oct 2011, 1:23 pm

My daughter has the same problem. It isn't as bad at home as it is anywhere else. She just doesn't flush at home. I think she doesn't like the sound, the germs, the different place, etc. Sometimes she pees a little in her pants, sometimes she poops a little in her pants. She tries, I can't change her so we deal with each situation as it comes up. For the most part she makes it OK for the most part when I insist she goes in a public place, she can do it after I go on the same toilet. It is what it is. I am downplaying it as I think how bad it is when she doesn't want to go even though she has to but I think I have accepted it.



Eureka-C
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26 Oct 2011, 8:56 pm

Maybe, I wasn't being clear. I was just trying to resolve the argumentative issue of not being able/willing to disengage and use the restroom on a schedule since he appears to lack the sensory guides for needing to go. For our son, we emphasize the importance of cleaning up your messes both literally and figuratively after accidents/meltdowns/impulsivity. it is important not to shame and blame, but it is also important to take responsibility for ones own actions. I never meant just leave him to clean up. I meant, is he involved in the process or is someone doing it all for him? As it seems to not be the solution anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. I just need to post that I am not totally ignorant and that what I was saying was not just for NT kiddos.

I hope you find a good solution. Let us know.



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26 Oct 2011, 10:21 pm

I have had similar problems. Did not quit betwetting till I was in my late teens. Still as an adult, I dont know I need to go untill the urge comes on so strongly that it is a mad dash to the restroom. Even then, my underwear gets slightly wet.
I have found wearing a menistral pad helps, but being a boy, that wont work.
They make a depends pad...which has come along way from the oversized diapers when I was his age.

However, I hate going to the bathroom. Pooping is gross, and urinating comes on so fast I barely have time to make it. and bathrooms are claustrophobic.

However I tell myself that I am fortunate that my internals are in working order because if I couldnt poop or pee, my body would fill up with toxins and I would be very sick and die.

Maybe a talk of the biology of the eliminary system would help him understand the importance of going to the bathroom and create an emotional distance from the issue by looking at it from a purely intelectual point of view.

As far as knowing when to go to the bathroom and actually understanding the bodily signals. I am kinda bad at that, so I dont have any advice but to go before I think I need to right away.


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DazednConfused
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27 Oct 2011, 5:05 am

*sigh* my son is 3.5, I had hoped that this was an issue that would improve with age but I can see from this thread that that isn' t necessarily the case! We had decided my son's issues were probably transition-related - it happens plenty often, but most reliably when he is engrossed in computer or TV watching. If I try to take him on a schedule he melts down claiming he 'can't go, right now'. If I force the issue and make him sit on the toilet anyway (I tend not to, but once or twice when I know he hasn't peed in hours and he has just wet his pants, I will) then he'll be protesting even as he pees.

My only solution so far is to try to work it into the routine as much as possible that we always go before we leave the house, playgroup etc. It isn't working yet (he refuses to go) but we at least have the discussion. Today we were going to go to the park on the way home from the doctor's office, and we couldn't go because he had wet his trousers through. Whether that will change his behaviour or not who knows. When he has an 'accident', I also make him go to the bathroom to change his underwear & trousers and then take the wet stuff to the laundry and wash his hands. His SLT wrote us a social story about how it would be faster just to use the toilet, but I haven't read it to him yet as I have to take some photos to go with it.