Relationship where one person has ADHD, other has AS

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This is a quick post because I am a bit tired right now, but I had a question to throw out. I've read some things about relationships between NTs and ADDers or Aspies, but neither of us is NT. I have ADHD (primarily nonattentive type), he has suspected Asperger's.

This gives our relationship an interesting dynamic. I am impulsive and he is very uncomfortable with spontaneity. But then on the other hand, both of us are forgetful and procrastinate on doing things that require executive function like organizing (our apartment is now very cluttered because of this, which I hate, but the prospective task of cleaning it up is very overwhelming). He likes to lecture on and on about technical details of things he's interested in, whereas I get bored easily, and I tend to impulsively interrupt and throw out my opinion on things while he wants me to just sit back and listen. We both hyperfocus on things. We both have self esteem and depression issues.

I wasn't diagnosed until age 15, and he doesn't have a diagnosis but is very open to the idea of being an Aspie--his ex and his mom both believe he is). As of now, I think he's probably on the spectrum, but is sub-clinical (we've been dating/living together for 6 months). We're both also used to be the caretakers in our past relationships and are both now feeling like it's someone else's turn to take care of us for a bit, but at the same time, we both need special care. We're also in our 20s, by the way.

I have a psych degree and am therefore very interested in all of this, learning about the disorders and how to deal with them, whereas he couldn't care less. So one of my questions is, how can I educate him on my disorder, too?

So, has anyone experienced anything similar? Words of wisdom/advice?

I'm new, by the way. Hello!

U wanna talk real confusing - I'm an Aspy with ADHD hahaha does that count??

To be totally honest with you - it really doesn't sound like u guys should be dating. And honestly I can't believe your Aspy partner hasn't worked that out already. Not that anything is wrong with you at all, I'm sure you're really fun to be around (most ADHDers are) but there is a lot more logic to love then emotion (I know that sounds like a really Aspy statement but seriously I cant see how others dont see it!)

I mean think about it - how many boys (or girls) have u ever had a crush on? Probably at least 20 by the time you're in your 20's. You can pretty much fall for anyone. BUT - and here is where the logic comes in - you have to know what is, and what is not going to work for you. if you can create chemistry with almost anyone, then why continue to date, and hence fall for, the person that just isn't going to match you on a long term basis? Every person I every dated before i met "the one" I only dated for a very short time cause I knew pretty much straight away that this wasn't gonna work for me in the long run, and there was no point continuing to date them and hence fall for them, if that is the case.

Think long term - if your relationship continues as it is right now, and those traits that drive you nuts don't change, will you be happy 1 year from now? 5 years from now? 20 years with a house and 3 kids together from now?? It may hurt, but if you are not long term compatible, break up now and cry over them for 6mths, rather then breaking up in 10 years, hating each others guts and having to share custody of your kids.... it just makes sense.

This is my husband and I when we were in our late twenties/early thirties (we married when I was 27 and he was 24). I'm the one with Asperger traits, he's the one with ADHD. Neither of us was diagnosed when we got together (and technically I'm still not, although I'm thinking about going in for it). We'll have been married 25 years next spring. So obviously I disagree with scaffelpike that you might as well give it up right now.

Has it been hard? Of course it's hard. But all relationships are hard for me. The main advantage of the relationship is that we both know we're hard to live with, and neither one of us assumes, "My way is right; the other person's responsibility is to conform to my norms." We both are unwilling (or unable) to compromise on some things, but "you should be normal" is not the default and we don't assume we have the right to force the other person to behave or even to accommodate. That's one advantage of the "both have self esteem issues" part -- people with low self esteem are less likely to assume "you're the problem and I have the right to demand that you change."

Also, he knew from the git go that I needed a lot of "alone time" and I'm okay with him changing plans as long as those plans don't have any impact on me. He has learned that if he's going to be later than expected, most of the time all he has to do is call and tell me, and I won't care. Just means more quiet time for me. But if he says he's going to be home, and doesn't call me to tell me before I expect him, that makes me nuts. And if we're supposed to be doing something together and he changes the plans, I get upset even if he has good reason. But it doesn't actually happen that often, because we don't do that much stuff together. I've also learned to regularly ask him ahead of time what he plans and to tell him ahead of time what I'm planning. He may change plans but at least there's a base there to work off of. I change plans, too, by backing out on stuff, mostly because I just can't face seeing people to do what I wanted to do, but he's fine with going without me and changes don't bother him so I quit feeling guilty about that.

Setting or accepting reasonable expectations is a big part of it, too. Hubby is never going to understand my disorder the way I do -- he's never going to understand his own disorder the way I do. Figuring out how people work is one of my intermittent obsessions, while he's never hyoerfocused on any of that so it doesn't stick. I'm guessing your guy may never really understand your disorder -- the question is, does he listen when you tell him that "that isn't how I work" or "I can't do that" kind of things? Also, can you handle the fact that he may not be a major source of companionship? We'd be in big trouble if hubby expected me to go and do the way he does -- I need my alone time and I really can't see as many people/tolerate as much social interaction as he prefers to have every week. And our "talking time" is often just the twenty minutes or so after we go to bed -- a lot of the time we spend "together", we're both on computers facing a wall.

While, yeah, we're raising kids "together," he takes them to stuff I never go to, or I'll drop them off while he picks them up, so we're more together in that we share the same goal than together in the sense of being physically together. If he were married to someone else, he'd definitely get more time with his spouse doing stuff together, snuggling together, all that. OTOH, I don't get upset when he hyperfocuses and don't complain about being "tuned out" for great chunks of time; it doesn't wind me up that his car is packed to the gills with junk (although I do periodically clean his stuff out of my van), I can often find things he's lost if I've seen them because the image is in my brain, and so on.

There's a sense where it's less about "he has ADHD and I have AS," and more about how your individual personalities mesh and how tolerant you are of each other and what you're willing to commit to the relationship. If either partner expects the other one to "make me happy," that's going to be a huge problem whether both partners are NT or in any combination of NT, ADHD or AS. If both partners are committed to the relationship, view problems as "our problem" (not "the other guy's problem") and if both partners try to figure out how to be happier where they're at, then whatever syndromes are involved tend to get worked around and the partnership is successful, from what I've seen.

I can relate, but in a different way.

Imagine all that crap going on within one person!

ME!