How to discuss sex once in a relationship

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Once you meet someone you really like, how do you discuss sex without that person thinking that's the only thing you want?

I am concerned that if I ask questions about it (to determine compatibility in that way), the other person will think that's all I want from them. Yet if I don't discuss it early, and find out later that she is asexual or has a low sex drive, or is unwilling to try certain things, and I end the relationship upon finding that out, I am concerned she will think I was just using her.

What's the best approach to take regarding this?

(I haven't met anyone yet, but when I do, I just wanted to know how to deal with this topic)

When you get a private moment with her, just nonchalantly whip it out and say "btw, what do you wanna do with this thing"?

ok it's late and I need to sleep. I'll come up with a better answer tomorrow.

If the woman thinks that of you, why would you care?

Act like it's natural to you, assume she's attracted to you and make sexual jokes, initiate it through a sexual, teasing or playful way. For instance, I was talking to a girl about taking her to the making of Harry Potter and I said I'd drop a wand and give her a surprise spank and she liked that. In other words, do it in playful way that shows you're comfortable. Don't make outright jokes to begin with, just start small and playful and build it up, make her giggle and make her feel like it's natural to her, it is all about escalating but escalating in the right way.

First build familiarity and sociability with her, after that build comfort and finally build attraction and sexual, some guys end up falling into only the comfort zone because they don't initiate or show attractive traits when the girl gives them the chance so they end up staying in the comfort zone as friends. I'd also suggest purposely getting into the comfort zone with girls locally because you'll get invited to parties, meet new people and increase your social circle, you don't have to date every woman you meet. If a girl likes you, she will tell you something personal and open her body language to you, her eyes will spark a suggestive look at you so start to be playful and if she reciprocates, you know you're in with a chance.

I personally prefer the direct approach with women. I think the "whip it out" idea is a little much, but oddly enough it's kinda in line with my thinking.

The last girl I dated was very inexperienced and I let her know after a few dates that sex was just something I'd come to expect in a relationship and if she can't handle that we need to break up immediately before this gets more serious than we really want. At the time she was a virgin and said she was fine with that and was OK with what was eventually going to happen.

I don't think she was REALLY ready, but she was a fast learner!

I think ordinarily most women do understand that sex is just part of dating and relationships and expect it, too. With some of the women I've been with, there wasn't even the conversation about sex. Start simple with kissing. If she's really into it, try touching. You'll know if sex is ok if she doesn't stop you. Admittedly I find this to be a bit of a sport. If I'm just getting to know a girl, I'll exercise patience, get her worked up, and then ask her what she's doing next weekend. It's ok to let a girl simmer a little bit before making any real moves. It just comes down to how much self-control YOU have.

I'm married now, of course, so I'm out of the game. Don't miss it, either. So for me, it's about reminding myself to stay in control of myself around my wife. She's hot. And marriage+family tends to cool things WAY down. So bringing up the idea of sex and when to do it for me is actually MORE awkward than it was just dating. It's the whole familiarity thing, so touches don't have the same effect they used to and you lose the seductive edge and a lot of the tension/energy. In a way you just kinda have to start over. My approach with women has been, and still is, to make my intentions known but still letting her make the first move. And that would be my best suggestion for you. She'll let you know if it's ok.

take her to a fancy italian restaurant. both of you order expensive wine.

then stand up, pull down your pants, and slam your junk on the table.

The reason I brought up this topic was because things like asexuality, abstinence until marriage, and unwillingness to perform certain positions are total dealbreakers for me, and I feel that this is something I need to know upfront and soon.

You don't, in my experience.

Dating > sex > serious relationship

It kinds of goes in that direction. The sex just happens after a date one evening. Then there's a limbo period when sex is awesome but neither of you is sure where it's all going. Eventually you have The Talk and either break up to look for greener pastures, or attempt a serious relationship.

Just have a normal conversation when you're both comfortable and lean it towards sexual things, see what happens.

Generally, it's not something that's planned, though, you just do it in the moment, but obviously if you want to find out what she's into or whatever then yeah, see above.

this is excellent advice.

i think its also good to tell her "im ready to be more intimate, but i dont want to pressure you so is it ok if you lead the way?"

and good kissing / cuddling can go a long way.

It's not something I'd bring up on the first date.

I'm getting the sense that you're a little more conservative than the guys on here.

Women want you to think they are conservative. So they don't feel cheap. And some of them do feel awkward talking about it, this is true.

Be comfortable, be confident. Take the lead, but only when they are receptive.

You want more than sex. Okay, make sure the rest is there. And then, why not try for sex.

Or be liberal about it and see about the sex earlier in the relationship.

"whip it out", "slam your junk on the table", hahahaha

I want to caution you against thinking it's okay "if she doesn't stop you" from having sex with her. That's because, although I've never had a problem with this, I have heard a lot of women's organizations, feminists, traumatized people, etc. talk about how females don't always know they can say "no." Apparently, they won't always stop you, and then they'll feel like they were raped and be horrified and want to stay away from you. I think you should definitely discuss it before you have sex.

A woman isn't going to say no to someone she feels threatened by or afraid of. The one time I did bring it up with a woman was with someone who was very young and socially immature. I knew she had self-esteem issues and some disability issues, but she was also very attractive and smart with a wonderful personality. I made sure she understood my intentions and that she knew she could push me away and I'd be ok with that. It wasn't that she didn't want to have sex--she just needed time to get used to the idea. Not easy for someone like her to be in college and just getting her first ever bf! Just keep in mind there are a lot of different ways of saying "no."

Dont talk about unless you want to look like a nerd, and/or she appreciates that approach

Put a hand on her arm or leg while your watching TV together, or step forward to her and ask what is she doing later with doe eyes while trying to sniff her ears.... sort of things

make sure your good friends before trying the above tips

A girlfriend who was fast with the boys said "so what have you got in there?" (while eyeing the crotch zone)

I don't. It happens when it happens.