I really just don't care anymore

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I don't fit anywhere in this world, aspies don't seem to take to me anymore than NTs obviously, and no matter what I say they try to bend my words to make me seem evil... I have no hope, I do not sit well with the fact that I'm just supposed to grow old jacking off and living from check to check every month..... Honestly I'm not gonna pull any punches here I am mainaly upset because of involuntary celibacy and knowing this will never change. Apparently I'm uglier than a wildabeast... It's not only that I feel like I'm always overlooked, ignored, and spat on by the world around me. Like my voice isn't important. All I want is a more peaceful world without all this division and all this hatred but somehow no matter what I say people on here spin my words around and make me out to be Hitler number 2.
It's warped me mentally and emotionally and truthfully I just wanna leave this world behind forever..... I'm officially going on a drug binge and living the fast life, if I don't decide to take more immediate measures. I swear every damn time i get ready to put a bullet in my skull some false glimpse of hope arises and keeps me trailing along only to get let back down harder every time..... I just want this nightmare to stop.... All I know is I am in immortal pain, mentally and emotionally.......I'm not planning on returning to any of my aspie forums. Not like anyone cares anyhow...

snake321, I don't know how old you are, but I didn't meet a wonderful, caring woman until I was 30 (!) Then we dated for two years, as she didn't feel I could handle my end of a marriage. It's been 16 years, and there have been some really rough times, but we're still together, and still love each other deeply. As to the job thing, GOOD LUCK!! ! I'm 49, and still haven't found a good paying job where people aren't plotting behind my back. Overall, I find being Aspic a pain. Newts think I'm weird, and I think they're shallow dimwits. I drink a lot, and used to do drugs back in University. Try expressing yourself through whatever art you can, it's great therapy.

You know, people tell me that my ideas are moronic and that I'm an idiot every day. Do I take it personally? You bet. Will I probably still be thinking about it that same night? Could be. Do I want to destroy myself just because every word that comes out of my mouth is tinged with stupidity? Absolutely not.

What's my secret? Well, for one, I have no desire to piss away the sixty or so years I have left on this world, so I do what I can to ignore or attack everything that might jeopardize my enjoyment of my remaining years.

That is the best way to explain why I haven't killed myself yet. I'm not exactly looking forward to living paycheck to paycheck, I have no girlfriend, no friends of any kind, I live at home, and you could count my savings on one hand, but I keep going. Why? Because this is my life and I intend to live it.

People have been twisting your words about your views towards NTs and other things. people attack me all the time on my opinions and twist my words to fit make themselves seem right. you wrote in many threads that you only want a better world and that you don't hate NTs. even if people attack you ideas. you still have ideas to make the world better and most people don't, they just attack or agree with existing ideas. Your ideas are going to be attacked by someone no matter how much sence they make or how good they are, but there are also a lot of people i've noticed that agree with you and your better world veiws.

I feel your pain.

Cheer up, there are plenty of girls out there who are lonely too. But if you are not out there you're not gonna find her. So get out there and search, somewhere, somehow....

I live in a more peaceful world. It hasn't always been so. I didn't get here with attitudes like...
I got here by focusing on changing myself instead of focusing on changing the world. I assure you, you have a much better chance of changing yourself than you have of changing the world. The world was here long before you and it will be here long after you're gone, but if you work very hard on yourself you might get lucky and have some impact on the course of worldly events like Newton or Einstein. I've worked hard on myself, and now I think I've had a positive effect on the lives of a few aspies on this site. I hope I can have a positive effect on you too, but if I don't, it won't mean there's something wrong with you, it'll just mean I have more to learn about helping people.

I don't think you seem evil, just angry, which is understandable. I hope I've understood you correctly and not too badly bent the meaning of your words.

Peace out.

The above post reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, said by Ghandi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." I know that the world is tough and all, but nothing will get done if we only reflect on the bad things. Perhaps you should try to get some help, maybe turn to the State for financial aid or find a program/group where you can interact face-to-face with people like you. The first step is always the hardest, but it's also the one that gets left furthest behind.

MrMark

Years ago I had a neighbor who was just learning basic english. She had noticed I did a lot of reading, and she asked me if I had anything that wasn't too difficult that she could read to work on her english. I loaned her a copy of one of my favorites, the Tao Te Ching, seemed appropriate, simple language, ideas you could spend a lifetime understanding. A few days later, she brought the book back. "I read that book," she told me, "But it didn't make me smart."

Many years and countless directions later, I still ain't found nothing that made me smart. I ain't Einstein or Newton, I ain't even the guy across the street, with a job and a family, and being me still sucks just as bad as it ever did.

Your words make sense, but I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm doing good, just needed to pray to the 420 gods;) I hafta get to bed so I can wake up on time for work tommarrow morning. I'll talk tommarrow.

That sounds reasonable.

The "enlightenment process" is a paradox. It's not about learning anything. It's about unlearning. It's returning to an original state of relative innocence where the world is viewed as it is , without the judgement of the mind. ("Returning is the motion of the Tao." "Bhagavad Gita" translates to "As It Is." "Be converted and become as little children.") Simply reading a book is not sufficient.

From Ram Dass's "Be Here Now":

Working with one of the books containing the words of a realized being (e.g., the Bhavagad Gita, the Tao Te Ching the words of Jesus in the gospels, Sayings of Ramana Maharshi or Ramakrishna, the I Ching, etc.), take one passage—perhaps a phrase—certainly no more than a page. Read and re-read and re-re-read it. Then let your thoughts work around it. Paraphrase it. See how it applies to others and to yourself. Note if and how it differs from the way in which you usually think about things . . . different assumptions, etc. What are its implications regarding your own journey? Read it again. What laws of nature is it reflecting? Then, sitting quietly, let your mind associate to the passage. And then be quiet. Certainly a half hour a day is not too long to spend on this exercise.

I'm no Newton or Einstein either. I have no aspirations to effect the course of wolrd history. But maybe I can improve my little corner of it just a little bit.

Problem with most gods is they demand a constant sacrifice or tythe. Find a way to cope without numbing your spirit or offering it up to servitude, if you can.

"praying to the 420 gods" is a euphinism for smoking weed, I wasn't trying to be that blunt about it but apparently it didn'r catch here. I don't really believe in any gods.

Mr Mark

Hmmm...ok...Guess you can't hunt understanding the way Dick Cheney hunts quail.


Snake

My best wishes are with you.

I guess you suspect I didn't know that. I was carrying on with your euphemism for continuity's sake.

I have found that particular little god to be quite demanding of sacrifice. You can be pressed into paying dearly for it's short lived blessings. </euphemism>.

snake 321 wrote "I am mainaly upset because of involuntary celibacy"

I had a terrible time being single ! !! I realize now that a large part of my inability to have a girlfriend was due to my lack of understanding the "cues" they were giving me. I was told that I
"acted gay" because I didn't pick up on "bedroom eyes" and other nonverbal signs. I was constantly guessing what level of intimacy we were sharing. Also the lack of being able to stare into their eyes was difficult. Even today my wife tells me to look into her eyes, and quit looking elsewhere. I didn't have a girlfriend in High School, or University. My suggestion is to find a sympathetic gal-pal and explain your Aspic nature, and have her help you understand female "cues".

You wouldn't be referring to me, would you? Eliminating opposition is what despots do, not democrats.

snake321: I don't know about your circumstances or where you live but the best thing you can do for yourself is to pull yourself up and get on with life. After all, you don't get another one and it's no use being miserable and depressed. I know, because I've been there.

I'm 18. I'm single. I've never had a girlfriend. I have a loving family. I have one or two friends down the pub (not my own age). I can't see very well. Do I care unduly? Not really. I just get on with it. I spent years hiding away from the world (one summer I never went outside the house!). Doing that is not an option; you have to stand up, dust yourself down and walk.