Struggling NT

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I am married to a business man who I suspect has AS. He doesn't want to do the testing for it, saying, if he is AS, "what then?". I don't know what harm can come to him if he is diagnosed with it. I don't want the diagnosis just to say that (my therapist) was right. No, I need relief from his behavior and a better understanding of how to deal with it. I can not see living with it for the rest of my life. It's not that he is or isn't, it's about how it affects the people in his life.

Guess what? I am the only person in his life! He has no friends. He confides in no one. I am his only friend. So when I told him what my counselor said, that he might have AS based on my frustration and depression, he immediately dismissed it. Since I am the only person in his life, the only one who knows him well enough to put two and two together, I am the only one he knows who has said this. That makes me the bad person. He's sure there would have been some kind of intervention by now. He manages well at work and functions normally around co-workers. He never receives phone calls from anybody. I did a lot of reading on and off line. I think he has it.

Please understand that everybody's AS does not look the same, but that doesn't mean it's not AS! My daughter, for instance, did not meet the full criteria for ADD as a child, so me and her dad (my first husband) did not put her on medicine. We, along with the leadership at her school, thought it best to keep her in 2nd grade another year. She did ok, but when she was 14, we consulted another doctor who told us that just because she did not meet the 4 out of six criterion for an official diagnosis of ADD didn't mean that she couldn't be helped by medication. WOW! What a difference it made for her!

My husband may have AS and although there is no cure, he could probably benefit from an anti-anxiety drug because he can be obsessive about things (health, weight, diet, planning, meal schedule, exercise, etc.) and it is maddening to live with since I like to bake. And cook. And I am not fat and sloppy! I am a professional business woman myself. We have no children together and he doesn't have a real relationship with my children, now 17 and 22, although he thinks he does.

Some disorders are not defined by the person who has them but rather by the people who are affected by that person's behavior. In this case, me. My husband was a loner who has a wonderful family that he is rarely in touch with although he would say they talk "often".

Sex is not good most of the time because he has sensitivity issues. And he's a germaphobe.

Oh, and he also has a twin brother who disconnected from the family 23 years ago. They didn't go to find him and he has not come back. I have a friend who is a licensed private detective and found out that he (the twin) is an engineer and has moved almost every year to a new address while he continues to work for the same fortune 500 company, has no connection to other people and no record of a driver's license. Strange, considering where he lives. I am trying to hold on to a man I love and knew was flawed, but didn't know it was 'chronic'. Didn't know that anybody could be wired this way. I don't want to leave and will stay as long as I can. I've known him most of my life. How do I live with him if he doesn't accept the diagnosis. I am beginning to resent him for this. I wonder if he would rather be divorced than deal with this reality. We are in counseling for the third time together. He will do this as long as we can find something wrong with both of us and take the focus off of AS. Any suggestions?

I know this sounds really bad. It's only because I go through this alone. No one could possibly relate. If I talk to his family, it would get back to him and he would explode. If you have questions I am happy to answer. Thanks.

I would advise caution. An "intervention" like you are considering is an overreaction.

If he has Aspergers, what then. A legitimate question.

Most people with Aspergers consider themselves healthy. Different, but healthy.

Assume he does have Aspergers. You're doing it already. Calm down. He's fine at work, he's okay with himself from the sound of it.

Let's look at the core problems:

> I am married to a business man who I suspect has AS. He doesn't want to do the testing for it, saying, if he is AS, "what then?". I don't know what harm can come to him if he is diagnosed with it. I don't want the diagnosis just to say that (my therapist) was right. No, I need relief from his behavior and a better understanding of how to deal with it. I can not see living with it for the rest of my life. It's not that he is or isn't, it's about how it affects the people in his life.

Yikes! Is your therapist ruining your marriage? Listen to what you are saying!

> Guess what? I am the only person in his life! He has no friends. He confides in no one.

Read this message board. Most people here fit there. And we're fine with that.

> I am his only friend. So when I told him what my counselor said, that he might have AS based on my frustration and depression, he immediately dismissed it.

You vent your frustration in therapy. Calling him names is not going to help. (Even correct names.)
Focus on specific issues you have with him. Make a list, rating them on importance to you. (Saving your marriage would be a ten.)
Don't overwhelm him. Just talk with him about the top item on your list. See if you can work through that one item.
When he's mastered that one, wait for the pattern to sink in. Then look at the next item on the list.

> He never receives phone calls from anybody. I did a lot of reading on and off line. I think he has it.

He has no personal life. More common in men than women. Does it affect you? Not really.
You are educated about Aspergers. Now change your focus to the person. With compassion.

> My husband may have AS and although there is no cure, he could probably benefit from an anti-anxiety drug because he can be obsessive about things (health, weight, diet, planning, meal schedule, exercise, etc.) and it is maddening to live with since I like to bake.

He may resent the idea of medication. Caution. Look at the obsessive behavior by itself. Is it enough to warrant medication?

> he doesn't have a real relationship with my children, now 17 and 22, although he thinks he does.

He has likely learned all the social skills that he is going to learn by this time. You can make him aware of what needs he can fill in your children's lives.

At 17 to 22, most offspring are making moves to split from their parents. They often become rebellious before that, and difficult to keep a handle on. Often, parents may struggle even with getting them to finish high school. It's a time that is typically filled with struggle between parents and kids, so I'm not sure AS really enters into this all that much. Don't expect too much from the kids for now.

I'm 20, and therapists are already telling me there's not much they can do about AS now. So your 40+ year old husband, yeah, his concern of "what then" is quite legitimate. Besides, he doesn't need an AS diagnosis to get an anti-anxiety medication, nor do relaxation exercises. The above post is quite right.

I kinda don't..really get what you want from him? Like how is he supposed to "really" know his kids? How often is he supposed to talk to his family? Who prompted counseling first? You or him? If it was you, how do you expect him not to go be on the defensive with you, when you're accusing him of problems? Basically, I don't get what you're hoping to actually accomplish. It sounds like you're just disappointed in your husband for a variety of reasons, and just for yourself alone, not for his purposes, want him to get an AS diagnosis and go through all the stuff associated. Do you realize how stressful that whole process is? Do you realize how mostly it's utterly fruitless? Look at all the people on here, they're DXed, and I think most would agree after getting DXed, they're no better off than before.

For the kids, just tell him to spend more time with them. You're not going to give him magical emotional sitcom "aww...."ness no matter what you do, but if you can find a way to get him to spend time with the kids, especially shared hobbies, they'll regardless of your husband's...whatever, appreciate it. You're being presumptuous with his family, on one hand you're saying your husband doesn't have a good enough relationship with his family, and then on the other you're saying your husband would "somehow" find out from them about his wife talking about plotting to give him an Aspergers diagnosis. To me if he can communicate that well with his family, he's fine, despite possibly not being all huggy and whatever to them.

From what you describe, I mean, lots of things, you can't say he's "wrong" for technically. So he doesn't like when you bake due to his dieting and exercise routines? So what makes your baking hobby more important than his dieting and exercise hobby? Wait, you call it obsession. Wait, he can call your baking interest an obsession too! The point I'm trying to drive home is, you can't objectively say either of you two are right in many things. "Objectively" your baking is just as frivolous as his working out is. What you BOTH need to learn to do, is live and let live. You're much past the point of changing each other, he cannot change you, you cannot change him. I've never dated ever, so I'm kind of dumb, but from what I've read, ALL relationships where partners attempt to change each other turn out bad. Caveat emptor with relationships, it seems. Yeah, again, this point, what you both need to do, is learn to live and let live. If you don't, then divorce is likely in your future.

I'm sorry if I sound kind of mean or whatever, but like, I kinda don't get really...get it? Again, sorry if this isn't really the supportive awesome hugs type stuff you're probably looking for, but yeah, that's how I see it. If you'd like my perspective, I'm the only son of a divorced Aspie father/NT mother. My mother and father, basically were both being terribly irrational with each other and their demands. My mother got us kids to her side, and got custody. Now that I'm 20 and an adult, and having to fill the same role as my father around the house and all that, I can see 100% why my father was the way he was, and I unfortunately tend to act the same way. What I see it is, as 2 extremes. I found out, though, my mother's extreme wasn't "right." Hell I can even say it's more ridiculous than my father's extreme.

I'm diagnosed nonverbal learning disorder, and psychiatrists have said I have HFA, too, but unofficially. So yeah. I kinda do have some perspective here, after hearing the arguments of my family when I was a kid, and the complaints of both, and then seeing them all play into action. Both sides were idiotic, both sides were wrong.

There really in no point in getting a AS diagnoses because they are removing it from the DSM.

Plus if he has a steady job, he doesn't really need the label. If you suspect he has it, treat it as he does and understand him better.


What sort of problems are you having like how do his obsessions effect you and how is the sex bad? Does he not want to be naked?

Overall, I think this is a very good reply. Empathy is when you try to see a situation from someone else's perspective. OP, are you trying empathize with your husband - see things from his perspective - not just yours?

For the record, I am a professional NT woman myself who dated a guy with diagnosed AS

honestly, i'd just have him read your original post

It sounds like you got married to someone who you thought you could change *into* someone you love; it does not sound like you married someone you love. Now that you realize he is who he is you seem to be resentful of it.

Did you get married with the idea that he was going to change into someone else?

To say this marriage cannot have love is a dangerous statement. Caution.

someone else?

[b]Forgive me if I don't do this right. I decided to respond in bold type. No, I am not trying to change him. I have been accused of this before so I'm not surprised to be asked here. I have been thinking for the past three years that it was about patience and time and allowing him to get comfortable in my living space and with my lifestyle. I thought he would know it was SAFE. I didn't know that he might have AS and that how he is is how he will always be. I thought he would be ok with expanding his world and 'coming out to play' a bit. I thought this because this is how I felt. I looked forward to expanding my world with him.

My husband doesn't like to exhaust pleasure: to answer the response

[b]



He has to have control of sex or he loses his erection. If I allow him to have his way, sex at 11:45 after he's showered and eaten his last meal and it's completely digested, then HE thoroughly enjoys it, mostly missionary. I am unsatisfied and frustrated. When I TELL him what I want during the act, he loses his erection because he has a thing about not being 'bossed' around. Even in the context of sex! Or, he has told me that it was my TONE that bothered him(I can get quite loud), or he was tired or he wasn't ready (which just means it wasn't 11:45p.m. after he's showered and eaten his last meal and it's completely digested).[b] THis doesn't happen every single time, but it is good (to him) if he can follow this pattern. Approaching him spontaneously during the middle of the day is a problem because of his meal schedule, though he always tells me that I can approach him anytime and he will try to "accommodate" me. Usually he has something to do or something on his mind. He is very sensitive. I think these are a bunch of excuses in an attempt to control it so that sex can happen when he wants it to happen and maintain control of it. This, to me, is our biggest issue. All that other stuff I could deal with, but not sex that does not satisfy while all the while he's begging me to tell him what I want in bed. A lot of contradictions in and out of bed. It makes me weary. And, yes, it is maddening still.

Ellie88, it is clear that you are not happy. I would also like to apologise in advance as I am likely to come across as unsympathetic to some of the issues you've raised. I'm NT (a loner though) and married to someone who I suspect to be somewhere on the AS spectrum. I've even managed to persuade him to do one of these online tests, and he merely commented afterwards that he could have answered a lot of the questions this way or that way, and his score came out borderline, and that was that.

He is nothing like your husband in that he is not a control freak (no offence intended), but he too has no friends although he calls his siblings regularly. He is also rather over sensitive to criticism and this leads to arguments.

Just remember that the rigidity and the routines are what allow your husband to function at all. They are not the problem but his solution. The sooner you can accept that he will not be significantly different from how he is now, and not just put up with it but accept it with compassion, as a previous poster has expressed it, the sooner you can start communicating better. Only you know if you can live line this.

That said, I am struggling to work out what you want from the man you obviously once loved, else you wouldn't have married him. Why are you so keen for him to get diagnosed? what would that give you? Why are you in therapy/ counselling? Why do you expect him to have a relationship with adult children with whom he has no biological bond?

All I can suggest is that you spend some time just reading threads on this forum. It may clarifya lot of things for you, at least I hope it will. There's one by Kiseki on Aspies contradictions, for example.

Using things that your therapist has said as ammunition in arguments is a risky strategy. It is also not very fair.

You NT women come here to justify your divorce or why you'd divorce.

Do what you really want (which is divorce) and spare us the drama stories.

Wow, didn't see that one coming. Nothing could be further from my mind. I'm sort of hoping you didn't mean me, but even if it's intended for the OP it's on the harsh side.

Men can't help their erections so he does everything he can to keep it. Routines are common in aspies.

You should point out these contradictions and tell him that he said he would accommodate you but when you want it, he won't do it.

I resent this. I did not tell you every tidbit of our story, but I have always made excuses for him. I have always supported him and I think that is why he wanted marriage with me. I think that he probably had some idea that he was this difficult from his other relationship(s). I take more depression medication and anti-anxiety pills and what I keep hearing from his is that when he does things that are rude or strange or controlling, that's just the way he is. I guess I will start believing that, but it's not fun to live with. The inflexibility, control (which I really don't think is intentional), rudeness and most of all for me, always pulling back and killing the spirit of fun and excitement. I actually stopped (for a minute) being so affectionate to my son (17) because he said that I didn't need to do all the hugging and kissing on him. My son is normal, lives with his dad and is doing well in school. We have always had a close, appropriate relationship. But he is uncomfortable with our level of affection! My son was rightfully upset at me for pulling back. I have started to resume being me even if it makes him uncomfortable, but I can't do anything about a sex partner (my husband) who wants/needs control in bed which doesn't mean that his philosophy is "Nice guys finish last". No, when he finishes, there's not much left for me. In years past (we dated in our 20's), I thought he hung the moon. I never voiced my needs and being with him was enough. We had great fun! But I didn't know that he couldn't be open to responding to what I want. I had no idea. Now I know.

To be clear, I came to this site so that I could connect with NT women who had been successful at dealing with someone who, at times, seems like a jerk! I know it's the AS, but how do you live with someone who is this way? who wants sex? who doesn't want to live in separate bedrooms. who wants to share life the only way it plays out IN HIS OWN MIND??? THis is what I have discovered. It might be AS, it might be something else. But, as his WIFE, I deserve and ANY NT spouse deserves to KNOW what they are dealing with. I should not have to GUESS. I should not be in therapy just to cope with whatever he is lacking. I suspect that he could be helped by medication because he has obsessive behavior and lots of anxiety issues. IF he were found to clinically have these issues and get proper treatment for them, that would give m SO MUCH RELIEF! We could move forward with a new focus. THat's why I'm trying because I believe it could help SAVE MY MARRIAGE! Nobody gets married to get divorced.

By the way, I haven't found a thread for women like me. I don't need to hear from narrow-minded people who want to accuse me of something that may not be true. Get a clue! To me, this is not normal, even if it is to Aspies. It's HARD!!

Ellie88, Face of Boo's comment on divorce was completely uncalled for. I would also add that I'm not sue how many NT women post on the forum, one sees the odd post but you may need to change the title of your post to make it clearer whose advice you are after. In general WP is a very good place and people are reasonable. So you've been a bit unlucky.

Yes it is hard. But your husband is an adult, and as far as I can tell not under a guardianship or whatever you have in the U.S. this means it is completely his decision whether he wants diagnosis or not. That is his right as a human being, to choose to know or not to know.

One thing you may discover by reading other threads is that the more you push an Aspies the more stressed he might get, which may bring on the rigidity and the routines more strongly, as a coping mechanism on his part.

You have strong beliefs/ hopes about medication for anxiety, obsessiveness etc. again, I would not pin my hopes on this. PDDs are not as such treatable, people who have them can adopt strategies to cope with them better but that's about it. And to say it one more time, that has to be his decision to take forward.

Can I ask a factual question, how long did you know your husband before marrying him?