Was this a meltdown?

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This event happened the other day and I was wondering if it was a meltdown?

I have an almost 12 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. From October 31st to January 17th is always a difficult time of year. We begin with Halloween, then my daughter’s birthday, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year’s, and end with my son’s birthday. My children love the parties, and family. Needless to say though the changes in schedule, unmet expectations, loss of sleep, and sensory overload result in meltdowns for my son, and irritability in my daughter. My daughter got some money from grandma for her birthday. She wanted to go to the store and buy something. I wanted to take my son to the store to buy something for his sister’s birthday. We all went to the store together. My daughter went off to find something to spend her money on, while my son and I went looking for her a present. The plan was to meet up in the food court in a half hour. Unbeknownst to me, my son had decided he could spend some of his savings to buy a remote control car with a camera (he pointed it out about two weeks before and we added it to his Christmas/birthday list). I had already explained several times why we were going to the store, and that he might be able to buy something small (under $5). He began arguing in a very logical manner about why he should buy it today. After several reasonable responses on my part, I saw this turning into and endless argument loop which often results in a total meltdown (crying, yelling, lump on the floor, total embarrassment because he is sure everyone is watching, and have to leave the store). I tried to divert his attention to other reasonably priced toys. No luck. I pointed out several items I knew my daughter would like for her birthday. He continued on about the remote control car. No meltdown, but no movement forward either, this was new. It was time to meet my daughter in the food court, so we went over there. I told him I was tired and needed to rest (really I thought he couldn’t argue without me to listen, so he would either do what he was there to do, or revert into a meltdown) and sent him to find a present for his sister. I told him to meet me back at the food court in 15 minutes. He went, picked out a present, and we paid for it. I thought it was over. So we headed over to the grocery store and by the time we got there, he was in tears, didn’t want to go in, and told me he knew he couldn’t have the toy, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He proceeded to give me at least 5 probable and logical reasons why he would “never” get the toy if he did not buy it today. I tried every technique I knew to help him reframe his thinking to more positive, distraction, sensory calming, but nothing worked. Finally, we went in the store, him following and crying (softly with tears but no sobs). He would squat and cover his ears or head any time I stopped the cart. He continued to complain. BUT it never escalated. He continued to follow directions to get things off the shelf. He followed me without direction. He never turned into an immovable rock, and never got loud. In the past, it would either be over and he would move on to other things, seemingly distracted, or it would be 100% total meltdown catastrophe. I don’t know how to take this in the middle stuff. I am wavering between thinking I am letting him use his anxiety to continue this annoying argumentative behavior or maybe he is improving in his control (positive thinking/coping skills/medication is working) and this is just the best he can do.

What do you think?

I would certainly say it was a meltdown and that he is showing a different recovery process than you are used to seeing - for your various reasons. Sounds like my kids. I hope they are as wonderful as mine!

Sounds like he forgot to inform you of his plan until he got to the store, and his logic never allowed for the fact that you might not agree with his plan. He had a perfect plan in his eyes, something he was really counting on happening, and it failed. Nothing gets to AS kids faster than things that do not go as expected, and this did not go as he expected it to.

I think it is VERY important to talk about this situation now that it is over, how he reached his conclusions, why he hung onto them so dearly, and why in life one just can't do that, and has to learn to bend, like trees in the wind.

It is some version of a meltdown, but not a scary one. I think identifying the version is less important than using the opportunity to work with him on how to handle these situations in the future.

My son concocts the most amazing plans, but if he doesn't share them with us, and get our input ahead of time , they will almost always go up in flames and result in severe disappointment for him. It was a very important step for him to learn to communicate those plans in advance, so we could talk them through.

This sounds JUST like me!

I suppose that means I ought to tell you why I do it or how to stop it or otherwise offer advice, but it's not something I have much insight on cause I haven't thought about it very much yet. It's frustrating, because I get ideas and plans and things, and them Mom will halt them for this reason or that. But at that point, it's just so in my mind and the reason I'm melting isn't so much that I want what I want (though it is that in part), but also that she's making things go WRONG, thus upsetting the Plan. And don't you DARE upset the Plan because that is always reason to melt.

aann: yes they are a joy!

DW: I agree that this is definitely something to keep working on. We have been working on it now for years. It used to be he had it in his mind how everything would go and would get upset several times a day, now it is just a rarer occasion. I think partly because I offer very clear and concise expectations of what I plan, and that usually works. Even if he brings up something else I can usually say, but remember I told you ... and we talked about... and that works. I guess this event just had me doubting myself, and my own actions. Am I doing what is best for him. Should I be harsher? Should I be gentler? Should I give in? I doubt myself often. I think that I did okay this time. I was quite annoyed, but I stayed calm, rational, and consistent (mostly). I wonder if I let him walk all over me by allowing him to go on and on. Then I wonder if I expect too much and am too harsh.

SuperTrouper: That's exactly how it seemed to me. It wasn't about not buying the toy so much as it was about not doing what he had been planning.

LOL - I know this situation! You all did much better than we do at the toy store!

I don't know - if he was capable of picking out and buying his sister's present on his own and then walking under his own power, I'd call it a win. I wasn't there, but from your description, I'd say that maybe he's struggling but learning to manage a large disappointment and it came out in a different way than you're used to - I think when we have successes with my son, we get some kind of minor modification of behavior first, before the real change. Maybe that's what you saw.

Riding the line of "is this where I push" and "is this where I give in" is a real challenge, right? I struggle doubly, as I tend to be a rigid thinker myself (Oh, those PLANS!) I think you did what seemed reasonable in the big picture, and if you start trying to hash out the details, you'll make yourself crazy.

I can also see, with all the variables you threw out there, where this situation was difficult from the outset. Not to say that you shouldn't have done it, seems like everyone is relatively unscathed and would have been even if you hadn't been so adept - just that maybe trips like this, during this season, probably aren't going to go swimmingly from the get-go.

I'm reading some real positives in this story, though, from all sides - in case that's not coming through as I write.

IMO i do not think this can be called a meltdown, your son was like any other kid who had his heart set on a certain toy for a few weeks and then to be told he couldn't have it, any child is in place would have reacted in different ways and honestly i think he did great. I know some of the replies prior to me are from people who have more experience but I think if we going to look into every little thing our children do and relate it to autism then we should honestly be very ashamed of ourselves. let kids be kids!

sorry guys, like i said i am not as knowledgeable as some of you but this was just MY opinion. i do not mean to offend anyone.

Autismdad, my intention is also kind. I would point out that the boy is 10 years old. He's a bit old for such a temper tantrum over a toy, IMO, unless he has been extremely spoiled all his life. Doesn't sound like the OP is the spoiling type. It's the persistent, inflexible arguing without reasoning that sounds very AS to me.

hi aann, i completely understand what you mean and you are probably right. My only point was before we just jump to a conclusion and assume its autism that's causing such behavior, we should look at different factors and look at the big picture as to what led to the situation.

I agree what autismdad is saying. I always look at to see why I am having AS symptoms like "is it my obsession with money that is making me rigid" "have I eaten all day so am I hungry?" "Is it my anxiety?" "Am I being shy?" "is it just the social anxiety?" "Would anyone act this way?" "Are any NTs like this too or think this way too?" If I answer yes to any of these, then I say it's not the AS. My husband thinks I make excuses for my symptoms like I am in denial. Sure there are aspies out there who will make excuses for their symptoms like "Oh I am just shy" "Oh I am just too busy to have friends" "Oh I don't have things in common with people my age so that is why I don't have friends" "Oh I am just not interested in what people talk about so I choose to not socialize" "Oh the reason why I don't notice non verbal cues and body language is because I need to pay more attention and look at people more and maybe I will just see it" because they are trying to hide their symptoms and to make it look like it's something else that causes it to look like symptoms.