Can people criticizing you change who you are?

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scmnz
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25 Nov 2011, 10:40 pm

I remeber when I was in elementary school I talked allot, mainly about my special interests, but I acted social, got exited about things etc. I was almost slways breaking social rules, but back then I hadnt realised how diffrent I was from everyone else, but slowing things built, I remeber people running away from me on the playground because I annoyed them, one "friend" who constantly told me how weird I was, and from there the bullying just got worse and worse. I stopped talking to people, because I learned they were dangoures, and almost always kept to myself... The person I am now and the little bright girl from elementary school seem like completely diffrent people. Do you think that enough people critiquing you over time can change who you are? Have you been through anything like this?



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25 Nov 2011, 10:41 pm

Scmnz wrote:
Can people criticizing you change who you are?

Not bloody likely, mate!

I'm a stubborn old jackaroo!


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25 Nov 2011, 10:57 pm

Yes, I have changed rather a lot via what I have learned from others' criticism.

It is difficult for me to recognize however, as I seem to experience a very delayed reaction to accepting aggressive direct criticism. At first, I reject it stubbornly, especially if it were originally phrased to deliberately hurt me. But over time, the merit of the ideas themselves takes precedence.

When I used to be a restaurant manager, I found the same held true for most college educated people, or those who were raised in an otherwise privileged American household. If I commanded my employees to alter their habits, they would, but only while I was present. Their aversion to being bossed about overwhelmed whatever merit was intrinsicly held by the behavior change.

Instead, I found that that class of people responded better to teaching and nurturing. I would see faster and more consistent results when I took the time to teach a different technique than demand it. If I showed them why the new method was better, and also why their job would be easier, after a week or two, they would make the change themselves and believe in it. Much more often than not. The key was being patient. Teaching, then giving them time to think it through. Really, this is just a softer and more effective way to be critical.

When someone criticizes me harshly, however, it can take years for my mind to swing around. Sometimes many years.


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cathylynn
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25 Nov 2011, 11:11 pm

too much criticism early in life is believed to cause low self-esteem. later in life it can actually lead to illness.



Icyclan
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25 Nov 2011, 11:27 pm

I think many aspies care too much about what other people think, and will model their behavior accordingly so as not to ruffle any feathers. Also, as someone else mentioned in another thread, we don't really have a 'default' personality, we borrow traits and customs from other people and thus we are more malleable and receptive towards criticism.



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26 Nov 2011, 12:10 am

Only if you let them. I choose to do the opposite of what they say.


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26 Nov 2011, 12:25 am

If you care enough about what people think of you and what kind of person you are, yes.

Been there, done that.



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26 Nov 2011, 12:45 am

Yes,It happened to me. It a was very young child just starting school I was very loud and hyper. I talked about my special interest and made a social idiot of myself thousands of times. The kids would be so cruel. They bullied me mentally and physically for years. I would do or say anything for attention.
When I was around 13 I realized they really hated me. I never spoke at school again unless the teacher spoke to me and I hated myself.
I still hate myself and am embarrassed to talk about my special interest in public.



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26 Nov 2011, 12:58 am

pensieve wrote:
Only if you let them. I choose to do the opposite of what they say.


I really don't like that sentiment. It's like saying a man only beats a woman if she lets him. We were children! My parents, teachers, almost everyone sought to teach me how to behave properly with criticism and humiliation. I was powerless to stop them. I'm sure I was a pain but I honestly think the adults in my life could have saved themselves a lot of hassle had they not tried so hard to force me into a mold I could never fit.

How they control you is through ostracism. It's like you don't get to exist anymore. They won't let you play if you won't be like them.



LadySera
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26 Nov 2011, 3:18 am

Yes, I'm just like that. I often feel like I've been insulted until I've become incredibly meek like a battered animal.



9512
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26 Nov 2011, 3:42 am

Is there such thing as good criticism or bad criticism?

Me likes to think so.

There is a type of criticism about constructive improvement (good criticism) or being mean spirited about petty and insignificant details (bad).

It's really hard to judge. Being a black and white thinker, I tend to listen and take everything to heart or completely shut down and listen to no1 and be stubborn.

Filtering what's good and bad is tough as an Aspie. And it remains a challenge even today. :cry:



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26 Nov 2011, 8:25 am

It sometimes can change me, but not for the best. My uncle is an expert at criticising, but he has now turned me into a very paranoid person, and now I've found myself having to avoid him (even though I feel bad when I have to do this).

But criticism has helped in positive ways sometimes. When I was about 14, my mum firmly said, ''you can't rely on your cousins all your life, they are getting older and having friends of their own. You need friends of your own too.'' So for a few years after that, every time I was in a social situation where I didn't feel very comfortable in, I just thought about what my mum had said, and that made me push myself more into making friends. I still think about it now, and it's made me feel happier in my social life, because I have stopped relying on my cousins as being my friends, and I've found some friends of my own. It's quite sad (as in upsetting) but it's all part of growing up, and it's got to be done (unless you don't want friends, which I do).

Also the girls at school used to get onto me for ''being so obsessed''. I did have a crazy obsession over a man, and I told everyone in school (well, not the whole school but you know what I mean), and I went on and on about him and people started getting fed up. Even the teachers banned me from going on the internet because all I kept looking up was this man I was obsessed with. So some of the girls started getting onto me to not be so obsessed and to keep him to myself a bit more, and they also pointed out that I will lose a lot of friends in my life if I couldn't keep my obsessions under control a bit. I didn't believe them then, but after I left school I realised they were right, so I found some new people to get obsessed with and since that obsession started, I didn't talk excessively about it, and I just taught myself when the appropriate times are where I can bring them up, and so on. And it's worked!

So, yes, sometimes criticism does help me improve, but I don't like people criticising me over things that upset me.


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26 Nov 2011, 12:38 pm

Other people can't change who you are deep down but they can get you to change the way you act on the outside, to try to evade their criticisms, to the point that you forget who you really are inside. I've been thinking lately about how different my life would have been if I hadn't let other people's comments and criticisms influence me so much. It makes me sad. Don't end up like me!