Controlling Impulses

Post Reply New Topic

I know most young kids don’t have real ability to control their impulses—that’s why they need moms and dads. However, it seems my 4 ½ year old son is operating on about a 2-year-old ability to learn this life skill. (He’s in the process of evaluation—definitely SPD and probably mild Asperger.) Anyway, however his brain works, it is definitely very different from his very NT sister.

I so want to do activities like baking cookies with the kids (like all my friends do and they seem to have no issues), but at the level my son seems to operate it causes more stress and struggle than it’s worth. At the same time, I want to help him learn how to follow rules, directions, and control himself, etc. Of course all the NT books on kids don’t seem to apply to how he functions.

One example with making cookies (today): If I tell my not yet 3-year old daughter to listen, to only touch things when mommy says it’s time, and not to put her hands in the bowl and grab sugar, etc., she is pretty great about following directions. One time-out or consequence if she doesn’t listen and she is great from that point on. Today not a single issue. My son, on the other hand, made it such a struggle.
I explained the simple rules at the beginning: listen, pour things in when mommy says, no hands in the sugar bowl, etc., and if you can’t listen, you can’t bake or you have a time-out from baking. I’m not uptight about sugar or flour getting spilled and them ‘eating’ it off the table, etc. Of course, they are kids! I let them lick the spoons afterwards and scrape the bowl. The end rewards and result don’t seem to have any effect on controlling his actions, which is a skill he’s going to have to learn.

But my son just CAN NOT resist the urge to throw food items in the bowl when he’s been told not to, to grab fistfuls of cocoa and sugar out of the bowl, to get a spoon and spoon it into his mouth the moment my back turns, try to touch the hot pan or hot cookies, etc. He got two time-outs from baking, during which he cried and said I was making him sad and that I had ruined things. I explained to him that we had made rules for cooking and he didn’t control himself and follow the rules, so he needed to have a time out to think about not touching the things mommy told him. Honestly, it just doesn’t seem to compute with him. I so want it to be a fun and relaxed time, but he just seems to have, as I said, the self control of a two-year old or less. I don’t think it’s my parenting or expectations—my daughter does just fine. It seems like if my son has a physical impulse to do something—he just can’t NOT do it, and he suffers the consequence and then tells me I made him miserable and he hates me. Of course I don’t want him to be miserable, but he does need to somehow learn there are limits and appropriate actions.

Should I just give up doing anything that requires more guidance, like cooking, painting? Or is there some magic way to help him out? I know someone may mention a ‘social story’, but that’s basically what I did before we started when I set out the ‘rules’ and what we were going to do. I was as visual as possible, without drawing pictures. Trying to wrap my NT brain around how he is thinking. Sorry this is so long. I’ve got some books to read, yes, but figured I’d look here for some immediate real-life feedback.

A couple quick things. Many kids on the spectrum are considered to be delayed in their social and emotional development so if it seems like your 4 yo has the development of a 2 yo, that is par for the course. It is a matter of adjusting your expectations. It is actually unfair of you to expect that he can do things like follow instructions at the same level of other 4 yo boys. Another thing I have found is the difference between telling my DS what TO do in these situations instead of telling him what NOT to do. The TO DOs might include "stand on the stool and hold the spoon without touching anything else". Try to reframe the whole process in terms of making positive statements about what he is to do. Try not to expect him to just wait. Try to give him a positive action to be doing throughout the process. I have had the exact same experience with my now 5 yo DS. He loves to help cook but before I got the above process down it was always a frustrating experience. Finally, social stories are not something you tell a child during or just right before an event takes place. They are stories that you create and repeat over and over again during times when the subject is not imminent. Part of the methodology behind social stories is the repetition. We repeat ours over and over until he resists listening to it anymore. Then we keep them and revisit them if the same problem comes up later on. These kids often need A LOT of reinforcement.

I had to laugh as I read this post: I've been teaching my son to cook for four years now, and we are just now (at age 11) getting to the point where he mostly controls his impulses. I've brought his friends to cook, too, and - AS aside - boys just don't learn and follow directions the same way girls do. I think there are some real reasons behind why little girls are taught to cook and craft and little boys are given hammers and saws and building sets - not that it means you don't teach boys to cook or girls to tinker, you just have to think about your approach.

We didn't know my son had AS until a year ago, and it took me a long, long time to figure out how to work with him, trial and error - mostly error. I remember a particularly horrible birthday (I think he was four, like your son) when I was trying to have a nice time frosting and decorating his cake with him, and wound up SCREAMING at him to NOT TOUCH UNTIL I SAID SO!! ! I deeply, deeply regret that day still (I did calm down and apologize to him for my behavior, and explain that there was no excuse for me to scream like that.)

So, some of this is gender styles (depending on the individual kid of course) some of it is developmental, and some is how you're communicating the whole thing. I think I unconsciously learned to make sure the mise-en-place and all the stuff we weren't working on was organized and well out of reach, so he wouldn't spill it purposely or accidentally, and to have ONE thing in front of him at a time. I make sure his hands are busy so they don't get ahead of the instruction, and I mostly look the other way when he tastes stuff (look for vegan recipes; they don't use egg and are safe to eat raw.)

Perhaps you can start by pre-measuring things and keeping them out of his reach until they are needed, at which point you can give to him to pour into the bowl and mix. You can instruct him on ingredients along the way, for example:

"First we pour in two cups of flower" and then hand him the flour.
etc.

If you get to a point where he memorizes the recipe he can instruct you how to make the cookies. You can ask him "Ok, what do we need next?" and he can tell you and then you can hand it to him.

That might give him a sense of control and it will also make him stop and think about the concept of doing things in a controlled manner.

This is totally inline with my experiences. I think people gave really good ideas, and I wish I had known how better to deal with this earlier than now. My son is six, and we have just recently gotten a feel for this.

I always had much better luck with simple things like pizza dough and very simple breads because the chemistry was very minimal and mis-measuring could be very easily accounted for by me adjusting the liquids, which I have to add anyway since our liquid measuring apparatus is glass. The hardest part was getting him to be patient for the whole (longish) process, of letting stuff rise and baking it. It cause a few meltdowns because of that even when I would explain it. That said, once he got the idea that this was how it goes, he learned to be more patient, which he really needs. I will occasionally do a cold rise in the fridge overnight or longer and sometimes that helps break up the waiting, since some of it is when he is sleeping. He got used to us being done for the day and waiting until the next for the baking, which was pretty awesome.

Baking cookies, cookies and cakes was problematic because the ratio of ingredients is more important and he has motor planning issues which make accounting for ample and disproportionate spillage hard. It got frustrating for all concerned, and by the time it was ready to bake he was so frustrated with it that he would meltdown over less than 10 minutes of cookie sheet bake time, and not be able to wait. This was even after he could wait for bread to be baked. We fed on each others stress and he became more impatient.

At that point I scaled back, and would get a lot "pre-done" before I would call him in to "help." That worked better although we also had a period where he didn't want me to make any other shapes than round, "Cookies are supposed to be round." I would have to wait until he got bored with subsequent rollings and so I could make the fun shapes. I never punished him because I felt like he couldn't help it, and honestly I was making it worse myself by getting frustrated by something that is supposed to be fun. I would recommend scaling it back rather than punishment. I know it feels awful as a parent when your child can't enjoy things "right," but it is counterproductive (in my mind, anyway) to make a child miserable when the point is supposed to be fun. There are too may things we have to enforce and too many meltdowns as it is. Why pile on?

Anyway, he is much better now, that he is older, and we have had less stressful experiences. He doesn't have the patience to participate in the whole process. That is OK. I have no problems with finishing the task at hand and letting him rejoin later, when he feels like it. He is better at following instructions properly as long as I take it slowly, and don't give him multiple commands at one time. This Halloween he even cut out some shapes that were not circles!

It will get better. I know it is harder when you have more than one child to work with, but if your other child is good with directions and patient, that might actually help teach him. If he gets to fussed with it, instead of "punishing" him with a baking time out, maybe suggest he do another activity for awhile so he can calm down. If it isn't called a punishment that might help him take a break if he needs it.

My daughter has these issues as well but I try to take it in stride. We have made trips to the emergency room though. It took forever to teach my daughter NOT to place her hand on the hot burner-it was as though she was compelled to do it anyway. Strangely enough cooking is her passion now. Watching cooking shows on Food Network helped her understand cooking "rules". She loves to tell me she's doing her "mise en place" which is getting everything pre measured and organized. Maybe if you told your son about the concept of mise en place he would treat is as a rule as well? Also, giving my daughter an implement, such as a beater or spoon, and her own bowl of water/flour to do her own "cooking" helped to keep her out of the serious preparations when she was little-she even had her own apron and hat!

Really great tips, everyone. I'm not going to respond much right now, because it is late and I am exhausted! (You know what that's like, right?)
Anyway, I think I'm having trouble thinking outside the box or creatively when it comes to activities with my son. You helped me with some ideas.
I think I'm also expecting too much out of him. It's so hard when he's so smart to remember how much trouble he has with other smaller things. I definitely don't want to frustrate him more and I don't want to make special activities stressful for him.
You're right . . . cookies are too complicated. I'm thinking next time a box of 'mix' where you have to add only one egg or cup of water/milk and stir might be better practice for him!

I've always struggled with impulse control. I was one those kids who would have to burn my hand on the stove to learn that it was hot. Sometimes, I would do things or put something in my mouth with no idea I was doing it until it it was too late. Even sometimes as an adult, I'll do things like that and not be aware I am doing it. It's not as bad as it was when I was a kid though.

My daughter is 10. Cooking for her is a temptation because she has a sensory love of the textures of food stuffs. She can't resist the feel of cornstarch and water, or flour and water. Or any number of other things. I give up. She can have the cornstarch. I'll get another box and put it up high. She can have some flour. She can squish and mold her concoctions, and then clean them up.

She's only now getting to the point where she can follow simple cooking directions. Oh, I still try but I have to open to the possibility that something or the other will grab her sensory attention. Luckily, she's cautious enough about heat that I've never had to worry about that. Just horrendous messes from her concoctions.

Actually, bread and kneading is a terrific sensory activity. Very few ingredients, it's hard to mess up - and you have to "punch" it down after one of the rises - DS has sensory trouble with sticky stuff on his hands, but he still loves it.

Here's a good recipe (and a good website in bread baking in general): http://www.thefreshloaf.com/lessons/yourfirstloaf

Check out this method of kneading, which may appeal to a high-energy child who can't quietly fold and push: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvdtUR-XTG0

As I'm reading it (I use this website as a reference a lot) I'm realizing that (recognizing this is a gross generalization) it's a very male-centric website. Note how the focus is completely different than baking sites designed for and by women - less emphasis on looks and perfection, more on big-picture results; e.g. "It may not be the best loaf of bread you've ever had, but it ain't bad." less emphasis on ingredients and steps, more on process. e.g. "Throw everything in a bowl and mix it." It may offer you a blueprint for how to change things up for your son - and boys in general.

I realize as I'm saying this that I sound sexist - but I am often one of those archetypical "male-brained" female aspies; I prefer sites like this to Martha Stewart-type sites. While this disparity is often gender-based, it's just a different way of thinking that may transcend gender.

I had very bad impulse as a kid. I used to wonder how come I couldn't listen and follow the rules and why it was always so hard to be good. Mom would tell me to not do things and I would do it anyway. I remember one day I got sent back to class when I touched a piece of piecing tape on the gym floor. To this day I think that was so ridiculous and the teacher made me feel ashamed for not controlling myself. He made me think I was bad in class when all I did was touched a piece of peeling tape. Really, punishing a child for touching a piece of peeling tape? Why was that so bad? It's not like I pulled on the tape. I saw it and had the urge to feel it so I did and I got sent to my class along with my classmate who got into trouble for something.

I did learn to control my impulse as I got older. It took me until my teens to be good at it and sometimes it's still hard to resist because I have that thought going on in my head to do it. This was one of the things why my speech therapist suspected AS in me after knowing me for three years. I also had a problem as a kid not being aware of my actions and it was very frustrating because I felt everyone was picking on me. I be sitting in my seat listening to the teacher and all of a sudden she is telling me to go to the library. I would protest and she would say I was making noise with my mouth. I said I was not but she said I was. Even at home I would get accusations and they always upset me. Even being told "You were not aware" and I never believed them because I thought they were lying to me. I always figured this was an ADD thing but I realize it may have been an ASD thing and I probably always had that issue of not being aware but it didn't get bad until I was ten. My mother had that fixed through occupational therapy. I also had an issue where something come to my head and I say it without thinking. I also would say my thoughts out loud when I thought I was thinking it. Maybe an ADD issue there. Now I rarely blurt things without thinking.

Re: the bread baking.

I bake bread for us here. We really haven't bought bread at the store in a long time, except when for some reason I am not at home to make it, or am sick. I have a very simple, very easy bread recipe if you would like to try it. It's only water, flour, sugar, salt, yeast and butter. You really can't over-knead this bread either, as I always knead it for about ten minutes, and by then my hands are tired and I'm used to kneading bread. You can knead it for four minutes and it comes out just as well, I've just always kneaded ten minutes, because it's how I was taught.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup hot tap water
2 cups hot tap water
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp salt
1 package yeast, NOT "Rapid-Rize"
4 tbsp butter - not margerine - softened
6 - 7 cups plain flour

Put 1/2 cup water in a large bowl and sprinkle yeast over top. Add sugar but do not stir. Let sit 10 minutes untouched. Add the rest of the water, and salt. Stir. Add flour one cup at a time, until elastic dough forms. Knead in softened butter. Knead for 4 - 10 minutes. Shape into ball, place in oiled pan turning to coat. Cover and place in warm, draft free area. Let rise 1 1/2 hours. Punch down. Seperate into two loaves. Knead briefly. Shape into flat rectangle and roll into tight jelly roll type log. Pinch edges. Place in greased or nonstick loaf pan, with a sharp knife cut a slit down the middle, longways. Cover and let rise 1 hour. Bake in preheated 375 oven 30 - 35 minutes. Remove from pan immediately. Slice when cool.

This makes a terrific sandwich bread, and because you make two loaves you can bake every other day instead of every day. I keep my second loaf wrapped in large linen clothes in a tightly sealed pantry.

Frances