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Tema
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19 Dec 2011, 12:33 pm

I am a gay boy with Asperger's Syndrome and often have very negative thoughts about myself. I try to tell myself that my differences are not bad, but they still bother me emotionally and a always worry that others will not except me. How do you cope with being so different?



AstroGeek
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19 Dec 2011, 2:40 pm

It just doesn't bother me like that. There are other things that cause me low self-esteem, but those are more to do with my abilities and the fact that I'm a perfectionist. Being gay certainly doesn't make me feel worse about myself (although I do realize that life would be a lot easier if I was straight). Having AS frustrates me more than it causes low self-esteem. Sometimes I wish I could be more like other people. But I don't think that I'm inferior. Simply different. That's what you have to keep in mind. Easier said than done of course. Why exactly do your differences make you feel bad about yourself, if you can explain? (I know it is often difficult.)



leviathans
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19 Dec 2011, 8:29 pm

I'm a androgyne, bisexual, attracted to girls who takes the masculine role in a relationship and to feminine guys, unconventional male aspie who doesn't drink, doesn't party, who has IBS, muscle problems, prostate issues and who follow an weird diet that most people can't accommodate.

So I know what it's like to be different...
It's hard... The most important thing is to find good friends that can understand you and that you can share something meaningful with. You need a circle of friends that will accept and appreciate your differences.



auntblabby
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19 Dec 2011, 11:14 pm

WP is a lifesaver in this respect. this is one place i am accepted just as i am. my aspie meetup group also accepts me unconditionally. the majority of us are gay.



techn0teen
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20 Dec 2011, 1:20 am

Tema wrote:
I am a gay boy with Asperger's Syndrome and often have very negative thoughts about myself. I try to tell myself that my differences are not bad, but they still bother me emotionally and a always worry that others will not except me. How do you cope with being so different?


One way I handle it is knowing that my differences are only a part of me. Your sexuality and your aspergers syndrome are only two things about you. Some differences society isn't too kind about.

I like making a list of all the unique characteristics I have. Then I study how society treats people who have certain characteristics. I then make a plan based on that so I can navigate smoothly in this society.

Here's a list:

Lives in United States
Pale skin
Blue Eyes
Blond Hair
Chubby (If people call me fat then tell them I have reserves, and I cuddle better than they do)
Shorter than Average (I can fit in tight places)
Transgender (Be sure to fit in the gender I actually am and not be of ambiguous gender)
Autism (Have safe spots where I can melt down. Explain to people I will be working a long time with so my behaviors do not cause alarm)



Heidi80
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20 Dec 2011, 5:06 am

Tema wrote:
I am a gay boy with Asperger's Syndrome and often have very negative thoughts about myself. I try to tell myself that my differences are not bad, but they still bother me emotionally and a always worry that others will not except me. How do you cope with being so different?

I fully understand what you mean. It does seem rather scary to be different from the norm, doesn't it? I'm a lesbian who has asperger, add, mental health issues and am physically disabled. So yes, there are times when I feel like I the worst freak in the whole world. The thing is to find your own social group, where you will be accepted. It might be an asperger support group, or a gay support group (do you have those in your country?). I assure you that things get better when you find that group where you'll be accepted. It may take time to find it, but it's worth the effort.



visagrunt
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20 Dec 2011, 11:45 am

I tend to revel in my differences. But I suspect one of the reasons for that is that I have a circle of friends who are not put out by my differences--indeed many of them share one or more of them with me.


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craiglll
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20 Dec 2011, 2:07 pm

When people look at me they don't expect me to be different. Then when we talk, I come off as very strange. I was never bothered about it because I blamed others for being insensitive. now though I have lots of problems with other people and not being alone. It only bothers me when I get horny and/or am at a function where I am the only single person. In conversations, I tend to want to talk about something either no one has ever heard about or no one cares about. Most people do think I am a snob but I'm not. I find it ver hard to talk to people, especially if I am attracted to the person



theaspiemusician
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20 Dec 2011, 2:44 pm

techn0teen wrote:
Tema wrote:
I am a gay boy with Asperger's Syndrome and often have very negative thoughts about myself. I try to tell myself that my differences are not bad, but they still bother me emotionally and a always worry that others will not except me. How do you cope with being so different?


One way I handle it is knowing that my differences are only a part of me. Your sexuality and your aspergers syndrome are only two things about you. Some differences society isn't too kind about.

I like making a list of all the unique characteristics I have. Then I study how society treats people who have certain characteristics. I then make a plan based on that so I can navigate smoothly in this society.

Here's a list:

Lives in United States
Pale skin
Blue Eyes
Blond Hair
Chubby (If people call me fat then tell them I have reserves, and I cuddle better than they do)
Shorter than Average (I can fit in tight places)
Transgender (Be sure to fit in the gender I actually am and not be of ambiguous gender)
Autism (Have safe spots where I can melt down. Explain to people I will be working a long time with so my behaviors do not cause alarm)


some of ur list is the same about me except for blue eyes, blond hair, and the chubby bit, and maybe the transgender bit. (i have amber colored eyes-orange colored they're different from hazel- half of one eye is brown, light brown hair naturally but i dye it different colors, and i have some kind of health problem that makes me weigh less than i should so i'm always very dizzy) I'm very tiny and I have little really small shoulders and tiny hands. My hands are smaller than my 11 year old sister's hands. It's really kinda sad.



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20 Dec 2011, 4:19 pm

auntblabby wrote:
WP is a lifesaver in this respect. this is one place i am accepted just as i am. my aspie meetup group also accepts me unconditionally. the majority of us are gay.


That's one of the reasons I keep hoping to get you up to one of the Seattle meetings 'blabs, we're not majority gay but I'd say a good 30% or so of the group are gay or bi. I think you'd fit right in, and being exposed to 30 or so other Aspies of every stripe imaginable really can help with some of the feelings of isolation that I see so often in your posts. I'm also personally way different than you might think from my online personality, so don't be afraid to make the schlep out sometime on my account. Like I've said before, if transportation is the problem we've got people that come out from your area, and I'd be happy to help arrange a carpool for you if that would help.


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auntblabby
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21 Dec 2011, 12:58 am

Dox47 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
WP is a lifesaver in this respect. this is one place i am accepted just as i am. my aspie meetup group also accepts me unconditionally. the majority of us are gay.


That's one of the reasons I keep hoping to get you up to one of the Seattle meetings 'blabs, we're not majority gay but I'd say a good 30% or so of the group are gay or bi. I think you'd fit right in, and being exposed to 30 or so other Aspies of every stripe imaginable really can help with some of the feelings of isolation that I see so often in your posts. I'm also personally way different than you might think from my online personality, so don't be afraid to make the schlep out sometime on my account. Like I've said before, if transportation is the problem we've got people that come out from your area, and I'd be happy to help arrange a carpool for you if that would help.


thanx :) likewise 8) i'd be happy to meet y'all, as long as somebody else is doing all that driving [3 hours each way] back and forth. gosh, the driving by itself would occupy most of a day. i get dangerously tired [behind the wheel] just driving back home from oly, which is over an hour by itself. when i get home from the oly meetups i am spent to the point where i make a beeline for the ol' mattress and fall asleep before my head hits the pillow.



VMSmith
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21 Dec 2011, 8:40 am

Tema wrote:
I am a gay boy with Asperger's Syndrome and often have very negative thoughts about myself. I try to tell myself that my differences are not bad, but they still bother me emotionally and a always worry that others will not except me. How do you cope with being so different?


yeah you are different and yeah alot of people in the world will have an issue with that and they might not accept you and you might be victimised for it but they are berks and you shouldnt be ashamed of yourself. in primary school we were all told that everyone was different and no one was the same and that that was ok because if people were not unique then the world would be as boring as all heck. it's one of the few lessons school intentionally taught me that i think actually has merit. that being said, i know it seems like you're the only one out there who is even a little like you but there are others(this site is testimony to that) and there are people out there who are not like you who will accept you anyway and i know this because i found some who were ok with me and im like a million minority groups rolled into one and im weird. only you have to be comfortable with yourself. if you are not ok with you then you have to live with that till you die and i cant see how changing yourself will make people feel better especially since your differences are inalienable.



InTheDeepEnd
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22 Dec 2011, 9:15 am

Based on my life experiences, I think that everybody is weird, for some people it's just not as obvious what their weirdness is. Most people are scared to death that people won't like them once they find out about their particular weirdness, so in a way, if yours is more obvious, and someone likes you anyway, you are lucky to have the scariest part over with already.

Please no one take any negative connotation from my use of the word "weird". I use that word because that seems to be how people each categorize their own differences. I'm as weird as the next person, if not more so. Tall butch lesbian with major depression and Asperger's, social anxiety, abnormally slow metabolism, high IQ, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, etc.,etc.



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22 Dec 2011, 10:12 pm

OWN IT!

That's the funny thing about confidence - you need people's approval to get it, and you won't get their approval until you have it.

Sooooo...

Fake it til you make it!

I have Asperger Syndrome and I've just started seeing my first guy (at 25 years-old). It is a bit early to identify as gay, but I will say that there is something going on emotionally that I've never experienced before. I'm used to feeling dependent and inferior. With my new boyfriend I feel safe, yet protective, almost nurturing. I tended to turn girls into maternal figures, relying on them for all my basic needs.

I think I had a jealous hissy fit the other day. That has NEVER happened to me before. I always thought was just missing certain emotions. This has been a very overwhelming and refreshing experience for me. For the first time... I'm really scares of getting hurt. Yikes!

But you know what? Despite my fears, I'm still going to own this experience. No one can make me feel ashamed. I went too many years without trusting my instincts... and I was miserable.

Embrace your differences. No need to flaunt them - that just makes you look more insecure. Just be confident. If you aren't confident... fake it til you make it.


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dr01dguy
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23 Dec 2011, 11:18 am

Ironically, being an Aspie with ADD has helped keep my parents at bay.

My dad has ADD, and I put the likelihood that he's Aspie too at around 80%. When he gets into something, he's as oblivious to his surroundings as I am. I know he'd be upset if I ever confirmed to him point blank that I'm gay, but all I really need to do to keep him happily content is throw distractions at him the way you'd throw bacon bits at a puppy. ;-)

My mom is neurotically Catholic, and believes homosexuality is inherently sinful. Then again, she thinks just about *everything* is sinful. She'd probably obsess about the overwhelming anecdotal evidence that I'm gay, if she weren't already obsessed about me not going to church. I'm sure she'd freak out totally if she knew that when I go to see them and "go to church" with my Dad on Sunday morning, we go to either Sts. Barnes & Noble or Our Lady of Starbucks while she's cooking lunch.

In both cases, I'm able to throw enough Aspie weirdness at both of them to keep them safely distracted anytime the topic drifts uncomfortably close to the Forbidden Topic.

In terms of my interactions with coworkers (at least half of whom are almost certainly gay by the objective "penile plethysmograph while watching gay porn" standard, but married to women, but that's another essay), Aspie-ness is the universal excuse for not having a girlfriend/wife.

The same "too Aspie to have a girlfriend" excuse works effectively for the rest of my family members, too. It's kind of ironic that the trait that tormented me and left me depressed for years when I was nominally straight, and disturbed me a bit after I came to terms with being gay & realized that I wasn't likely to end up in a "real" relationship with a guy, either, has ended up being my best weapon for deflecting social pressure to date women.


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Your Aspie score: 170 of 200 · Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 34 of 200 · You are very likely an Aspie [ AQ=41, EQ=11, SQ=45, SQ-R=77; FQ=38 ]