How do I stop the obsessing??

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This is not the typical, I have an intense interest obsessing. This is a "there was a cat that I hardly remember that my mom had to put to sleep when I was four and I cannot stop thinking about him and it makes me so sad that he is gone, even though it has been almost 5 years" kind of obsessing. I have a feeling this is not about the cat. She has never spoken of him before, until I talked about him to one of my other daughters about a month ago. It was a nice talk. After that, she cannot stop thinking about him, and it makes her sad (she breaks down into tears). Her step mom says she is being ridiculous and to just stop thinking about him, but obviously that tactic is not working. I cannot take her in to talk to anyone. I still do not have custody of her. Can any one here suggest what I can do in the mean time? I am picking her up for Christmas break on Friday and have her for 10 days. I can empathize with her pain, but it has been 5 years, and she has not mentioned him until recently.

First, I'm sorry about the cat. Second, makes no sense you're 9 yeaes old are you? you say it has been 5 years since the cat was put to sleep and you were four then. How do you already have a daughter?

Give her feelings validation. Ask if she wants to have some sort of memorial or something. Let her know her feelings are ok and natural. It is not that she didn't care all these years, it's that she is old enough to understand what it all means. She just needs to express, and grieve and then move on. Good luck.

Burn her out on it. Totally indulge her obsession, and talk about nothing but the cat with her 24/7 until she gets bored of the topic on her own.

Believe it or not, she's probably NOT obsessed with the cat's death, and almost certainly has no hidden agenda. She's not trying to spread blame. More likely than not, something made her feel like she missed out on something important by having him die before she was old enough to appreciate him, and now she wants to retroactively make up for it.

Show her pictures of the cat. Talk about what he used to do, how he used to do it, and whom he used to do it to/with. If you have videos, show her every single one. Multiple times. Get others to talk about the cat.

Remember, she's not asking for a new cat, or asking for you to justify the decision to euthanize him. She literally wants to know about the cat himself. Indulge her obsession, and you'll have a warm, family-bonding moment over Christmas and get to watch her open up and be fully engaged with you about the topic. Just be aware that Aspie obsessions don't go away, they just get replaced by new ones. You can't control them, and indulging her obsession won't encourage her to have new ones -- all indulging in it will do is make her happy and feel whole.

My daughter grieves for our cat who died last year. She grieves for her brother who was stillborn 4 years before she was born. She grieves for her grandmother who died before she was born. Not all the time but sometimes. Sometimes it's really about missing her father so it's time to visit him. Sometimes it's about another loss. There are many losses in a little girl's life.

I acknowledge her feelings. It doesn't matter if the reason is "silly" or not. The feelings are real. Sometimes she'll admit that she's missing her dad. If I let her grieve it passes.

Thank you about the cat. I am not the kid, I am the mom. I quoted what she says to me.


I like the idea of a memorial. I think she may like that too. I will she how she feels this weekend. Thanks.


I will admit that when I read the first few words, I was thinking you were crazy, but as I went on, I think your reasoning makes sense. It started with talking about him and showing a few pictures. Maybe I should remember more stories. I will talk with her this weekend. I will say that I do not believe that with this child that she will EVER become bored of any intense interest. She is the biggest Zelda freak, and there is no way to bore her of it. In fact, there is a kid in church with the exact same obsession, and the teachers (sometimes) send them both off together when the other kid is getting too excited. That way they can both be excited together. lol.

I actually just got back from my counseling appt and mentioned this to him. He agreed with me that it is possibly a manifestation of what is going on in her life (custody, and either way she looses a parent), but also that since her sister and I were a little sad that he had passed that she should be too. I was thinking it could be a combination of the two.


I think this weekend I will talk with her and let her express her feelings. I am afraid she is going to become very emotional about it. Overly emotional. That is my biggest fear. She is emotional enough. I don't want to make things worse.

I am thinking that this is about the cat, but more-so about the custody battle that is going on. She is only starting to realize the ramifications of the outcome of the case. If I gain custody, she will not see her dad or her step sisters for who knows how long. If He retains custody, he will not see me or her oldest sister for a long time. He (my ex) has moved thousands of miles away. She is only just becoming aware of that distance and what exactly it means. I feel badly for her because no matter what decision is reached, the kids loose people they love.

I would imagine she is just connecting the permanence of loss with the cat, and trying to deal withthe feelings of loss around custody.

Good luck, I think the most important thing will be to reinforce over and over how loved she is and how you all will make it possible for her to see those she's not living with. Talk about how lucky you are that moving isn't like the death of a pet, and she will have access to the other often. use the discussion about the cat, to talk about loss and how that compares and contrasts to what she's going through in her life.

I'm curious, we the parents together at the time of the cats death? That could be connected too.

I would also get her two iPads. One for her and the other for the away family, so she can easily visually, connect at any time with the away family. Expensive, but less than weekly flights!

After reading your post, I had an idea, but it requires a bit of explaining. First, her dad moved away in March. She hardly gets to see him, and she lives with her step-mom until the custody case is decided (I requested the courts make an order keeping the kids in the state when I found out he wanted to move them as well). Her dad is a transsexual. He had his transition when she was little, probably around 2 1/2. The biggest thing that hurt her was that he told her that she had to stop calling her "Daddy." She had to call him by his fem first name. This was something that he told me he would never do. He told me he would never take away being their daddy, but he did. My oldest is bitter about it, and sometimes refuses to call him by the feminine name at all. It is a sore subject, but I was not thinking it would be affecting the youngest the way it is.

You see, I took Felix with me when we divorced (my ex did not want ANY of the pets). She only got to see him when she saw me (every other weekend and some holidays). Then, her dad took the name "Daddy" away within the first couple months of me moving out. About 6 or 9 months after that, Felix was put to sleep. I know this is just speculation, but what if it IS because of loosing her dad in more ways than physical distance?

If I were in your shoes, I would strongly encourage the step-mom not to dismiss her feelings. Even if she is projecting her feelings of loss of her Dad both because of his physical distance and the changes he has chosen to make on to the cat's death, her feelings are still very real and she needs a lot of support. You all are going through a lot of difficulties. I agree that I thought dr01dguy's advice sounded crazy at first but that might really work. THe other thing I thought it might do is, if her upset is not REALLY about the cat, she may be able to understand that herself if you really "lay it on thick". She may come to the realization herself that she doesn't really want to talk about or hear about the cat anymore, she really wants to talk about her anxiety over your family being split up and her not knowing where she is going to land.

When I split up with KB's dad we didn't have much contact for awhile. I didn't even know for sure where he was. At her age (5) all she knew was that he was gone. Gone is as good as dead in the mind of a child. She couldn't grieve the loss of her father until she could grieve for Ian Michael, her brother. She displaced a lot of her grief that way. Kids do that sometimes because it seems safer somehow.

Your daughter's father isn't dead, perhaps, but in another sense he kind of is. I don't blame her for being emotional. She needs to be emotional. I know it's hard to listen to a little one cry, but it's healthier than holding it in whether it seems to be about a cat or her father. This has got to be very confusing for a child. I hope over time she will establish a new relationship with her daughter. My eldest two kids had a stepmother who was transsexual. She re-established a relationship with at least one son.

I wish you all the best. This has to be very trying for you as well.

Ok - so the step mom is like the neutral 3rd party, and your daughter is living with neither parent?

I would just say that you all need to just hear the cat as a metaphor for how she is feeling about her family. Her family has been decimated, poor baby.

Franky, I think that you need to start referring to daddy as she, if that is how she's living. Then, after respecting the gender identification- you (or maybe step mom) need to tell her to put her big girl panties on and minimize the loss to the child she chose to have and is fighting for. She and your daughter need to come up with an acceptible name that is special and signifigant and isn't what everyone else calls her. Maybe DeeDee? Something that can secretely mean daddy that is special and between the two of them.

I'm sure it is really hard for you to even be involved in what's happening with your ex, if you are in dispute. That said, you both committed to this child for life, and she is hurting really badly.

OH - and when you are with her, just empathize about her feelings. Let her drive the conversation, ask questions about memories of happy times and maybe sad times to allow for more expression.

SylviaLynn and Bombaloo, thank you.

I am trying to figure out what to do with all the kids. I have tried to communicate my concerns with their step-mom, but my words are usually ignored or scoffed. Half the time, when I bring up an issue, they do not see the problem either because they think (the adults in the house) someone is having a tantrum (meltdown) or they hide what they really are thinking and feeling (the kids, I mean). I have brought up my concerns about my 11 year old crying ALL the time and acting depressed, and my ex admitted in court that when he got the email, he discarded it. He said nothing I say is worth reading. I just want what is best of the kids.

One thing I did do is put my youngest (the one I have been talking about with the Felix obsession) in charge of her dad's favorite bedtime stuffed animal. A couple months ago, I was going through my storage unit and found his "Tigger" with my things. When I moved out, the movers must have grabbed it too. I asked him if he wanted it back since it is the last connection he has to his own mother, and he said he didn't want it. I am keeping it just in case he changes his mind. In the mean time, I have put her in charge of the tiger (It is big - almost as big as she is) and she gets to keep it safe and it can be hers until he needs it back. She is very happy with that and sleeps with it every night she comes over. He makes most of the bad dreams go away, she says.

Honestly, this all makes me sad. It is obvious that my kids all all going through so much turmoil, but with how long this case has been going, they are hurting and suffering. I just want court to be over - for them more than me. My oldest has nightmares (she is diagnosed AS). She cannot let go of me at night. Every night when I put her to bed, she holds onto my hand and says: "Don't go." Reasoning with her does not work in this case. She is scared and wants me there, because I am real and her comfort items are not... even her trumpet. My middle daughter (possible AS) clings to me when I drop her back off. When she is over at my place, she is always next to me. She is my little shadow. She is so pretty, and she is so sad. Then there is my youngest (I would be shocked if she is not AS). She has anger issues. Usually she is the sweetest little thing, but she had been getting angry a lot lately. The Felix talk is just an additional aspect to her behavior that needs addressed.

Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely grateful for everyone giving me suggestions of what might be going on and how I might be able to help her, but they need to see someone that is able to handle this better than I. It is so hard knowing what needs to be done, but not being able to do a thing about it.

First, yes. She lives with neither parent. This is not by my choice. We tried to get this changed when he moved, but since it still is his legal residence, they can stay with her until custody is decided. Believe me. If I had my way, I would have them with me, and my atty said that if this continues, she is going to push for it. Right now, we are at a stand still in the case. Last date was cancelled, and no new date is set. I *want* my kids with me. If I could, I would scoop them up right now and keep them with me, but I cannot because it is not legal for me to do. I hate it.

My feelings with the gender identification came across here as using masculine, but not this way to my kids. I have my own reasons for referring to their dad as 'he' and it is not about him. It is about me. At some point, I will switch, but it is not yet time. On boards, I do refer to him as He and not She. It is for my own sanity, and believe me when I say it is not about gender identification. One of my best friends lives as a woman and I would never call her 'she.' I don't want to get into it more, because I will be too emotional...

As for the name, that was always an option, but he refused it. He said they had to call him by her First name. They were forbidden to call him Daddy, both in public and private. When they told me, they were all crying. They were all traumatized by it, They were hurting. I told them that in my house they could call him anything that they wanted, and it was okay. They could call him Dad, Daddy, or his boy or girl first name. Whatever they felt comfortable with. It gave them a safe place to keep their daddy. My oldest says that this woman he became killed her dad. That he changed. She does not like her dad. I think t is sad. They used to have such a close relationship. She does not even want to be under the same roof with him.

And

I do want to ad, that as far as her dad goes, I have tried to compromise with him. I will not compromise with who has custody. If I thought it was in the best interest of the kids to allow him custody, I would, but it is not. The problem is that their dad hates me. The judge in the court case can see this. She has stated this. You can see by how he looks at me how much he hates me. I want the kids to have a relationship with their dad, but I am afraid if he gets custody, they will not be allowed to communicate with me. He has kept me out of their lives be withholding information before (very important info that I found out a year later - information I *should* have been told about) and he has admitted that he wants me to have nothing to do with them. I have *tried* to communicate with him. We went through court ordered communications after a divorce with children class. We are supposed to sign up for some online communication place where we can all exchange info and keep all the kids bonded with each other (there are step sisters too, not with me).

I get frustrated in general when people think I do not try to communicate with him (or her) and work things out. I have tried beyond everything to try to communicate. It has to go both ways though.

Honestly, I think you're all over-analyzing her world view. Nine times out of ten, when somebody autistic says something about a topic of intense interest or stress, they literally mean *exactly* what they say. Especially kids, who haven't learned how to fake lying in socially-expected ways.

The cat isn't a metaphor for her life, her dad, or the divorce. The cat is a memory she had from a happier time in her life, and obsessing about the cat brings back happy memories of that time.

She doesn't care about getting adult attention, unless it means she can reclaim more happy knowledge about the cat.

The cat is not a metaphor for the loss of her father figure. She doesn't have penis envy. Freudian theory just plain doesn't work with Aspies. We're the monkey wrench that breaks just about every behavioral model psychiatry holds dear. When it comes to hidden agendas and innuendo, Aspies have the finesse and subtlety of a chainsaw.

In all honesty, she's probably is more confused and hurt by the attitudes of everyone towards her dad being a woman now than the fact that "dad" ls now her "other mom".