How do I let my boyfriend know he is an Aspie

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Joined: 26 Dec 2011
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27 Dec 2011, 5:27 pm

Hi, I'm in my mid-forties and been seeing a man for 3 years. It's been a tough road but we are definitely getting better at it and are in love. Two weeks ago I found out I am an Aspie. It hit me like a sledgehammer. After another week I had realised that so was my boyfriend. Now that I have insight into what is going on between us it has made things much easier (at least for me). He has accepted my new found diagnosis but doesn't know anything about Aspergers, and has expressed disinterest in knowing more. I love this man and want to him to know who he is, because I think it will make life easier for him and give us more chance of staying together (somehow). Is there a book anyone could recommend, or could you let me know how you found out you had Aspergers ? He's 51, was married to an NT for 18 years, has four kids and has acheived a lot with his life but he suffers with low self-esteem and anger tantrums.
Thanks for reading.
Kx

Dunnyveg
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27 Dec 2011, 6:29 pm

brokenarrow wrote:

The following is generally considered to be the authoritative guide on AS. It is mostly about kids, but does have useful information for adults too. It's also written with the layman in mind.

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-As ... 093&sr=8-1

brokenarrow
Emu Egg
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28 Dec 2011, 4:49 am

Thank you !'ll start with that one.

Ysone
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29 Dec 2011, 5:18 am

There is a book called "look me in the eye". I benefited a lot from reading that, I assume everyone with aspie would feel the same way too!=]

BuyerBeware
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29 Dec 2011, 6:22 pm

If he's not interested in learning anything about it...

...DON'T. Just-- DON'T.

It won't help much of anything.

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Fnord
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29 Dec 2011, 7:32 pm

Unless you are an appropriately trained and licensed mental-health professional, you should not be diagnosing other people with AS/ASD (or yourself, either).

brokenarrow
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20 Jan 2012, 5:02 am

Fnord, I just can't agree with that comment, sorry. I am self-diagnosed and dont' want a diagnosis but knowing finally who I am and why certain things are difficult have truly helped me. I appreciate that for some, seeing a health professional is important but from what I can gather the process can take months or years and can someimtes be quite demoralising because your self diagnosis is not believed by the professional you turn to, especially if like me, you have managed to 'cope' all these years and had a relatively successful life. I don't care if someone diagnoses me as an Aspie or not. I read a book about it, it was all about me and that has helped already in my relationship with others around me. My boyfriend and I talk a lot about the way we are, the way we interact with people and our discussions help both of us. Now that I have greater understanding of my reactions to certain things, I can now look at the friends and family around me and see who are NT and who are not. My relationship with my boyfriend is the most important thing in my life, after my children and I want to do what I can to improve things. I am just looking for the right book that he can read, so that it falls into place for him too, and he therefore has the empowerment that knowledge brings.

Daemonic-Jackal
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22 Jan 2012, 7:13 am

Fnord wrote:

Unless you are an appropriately trained and licensed mental-health professional, you should not be diagnosing other people with AS/ASD (or yourself, either).

100% This

You wouldn't call yourself a scientist just because you might know a bit about science, it's the same thing here.

Self-diagnosing isn't exactly what I'd call a clever move, but attempting to diagnosis & label someone else is just plain stupid.

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MsMarginalized
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24 Jan 2012, 1:24 am

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Unless you are an appropriately trained and licensed mental-health professional, you should not be diagnosing other people with AS/ASD (or yourself, either).

Actually, there is no such a thing as "self-diagnosis". The very definition hinges on a PROFESSIONALLS TRAINED OPINION. Which is why the new DSM is causing such a fuss...if they change the definition then we will ALL be out in the cold (as it were).

Having said that, you must do for yourself what you will. BUT you cannot foist your own opionion onto another. You're not trained in the ramifications etc. and it just isn't the right thing to do.

brokenarrow
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25 Jan 2012, 6:42 am

The DSM getting rid of Aspergers Syndome is a step in the right direction. We are all autistic, just some more autistic than others. I'm happy about this move, further defining autistics into discrete groups (high-functioning, low-functioning etc) is just plain stupid and adds to the general confusion about autism in the NT population.

It doesn't matter to me whether anyone thinks my self-diagnosis exists. I'm not foisting my opinion on anyone, just looking for the right book to give him, so he can make up his own mind if he is autistic or not. Worst case scenario is he learns a bit about autism - a big plus because he has an autistic girlfriend :-)

Daemonic-Jackal
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26 Jan 2012, 6:07 am

MsMarginalized wrote:

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:

Fnord wrote:

Unless you are an appropriately trained and licensed mental-health professional, you should not be diagnosing other people with AS/ASD (or yourself, either).

Actually, there is no such a thing as "self-diagnosis". The very definition hinges on a PROFESSIONALLS TRAINED OPINION.

That was my exact point.

brokenarrow wrote:

It doesn't matter to me whether anyone thinks my self-diagnosis exists. I'm not foisting my opinion on anyone, just looking for the right book to give him, so he can make up his own mind if he is autistic or not. Worst case scenario is he learns a bit about autism - a big plus because he has an autistic girlfriend :-)

Really? It sounds to me like you just want to a slap a label on him for your own personal belief/pleasure more then anything else. He clearly isn't interested in knowing more about the subject so it's best for both of you and your relationship that you knock this on the head now. Persisting with this when he clearly doesn't want you to do so will be bordering on emotional abuse.

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Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 26 Jan 2012, 7:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NicoleG
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26 Jan 2012, 1:35 pm

brokenarrow wrote:

Now that I have insight into what is going on between us it has made things much easier (at least for me). He has accepted my new found diagnosis but doesn't know anything about Aspergers, and has expressed disinterest in knowing more. I love this man and want to him to know who he is, because I think it will make life easier for him and give us more chance of staying together (somehow).

You've already stated that he has expressed disinterest in knowing more, yet you still feel the need to pursue it, and this has the potential of causing more problems than it might solve. Your wanting to pursue it is understandable, because you think he may have Asperger's as well, and even if he doesn't, you'd like for him to understand it more for your sake at least. However, it's not your place to push him into some sort of self-discovery regarding himself - some people find it distasteful and disrespectful when others try to do that to them. In general, it's simply not a good idea.

If you insist on pursuing anything, stick to trying to get him to read up on Asperger's in order to better understand what you think about yourself, but keep your reasoning to that idea alone. Share with him what you are discovering about yourself, but respect his boundaries if he doesn't come around and start sharing the same interest in it as you. If he is not interested and you keep pushing, you run the risk of upsetting him and possibly tarnishing your relationship with him.

Longshanks
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06 Feb 2012, 7:36 pm

brokenarrow wrote:

To begin with, as my doctor says, "when you're your own doctor, you have a fool for a patient." Just because you "think" you have it doesn't necessarily mean that you do. There are several other conditions that mimic AS and you have to be careful. That's why I went through the proper testing. Reading a book doesn't qualify you to be a neuropsychiatrist. Secondly, it doesn't qulify you to diagnose others. All 50 states have laws against practicing without a license. Having said that, maybe you should seek that diagnosis and worry about tending to the logs in your eyes before you deal with the splinters in others' eyes. You better think about this. If it were me, I would find it not only greatly presumptuous, but greatly offensive if anyone came to me with a diagnosis or conclusion based on a single book and no formal training. In the case of my wife, she is trained in special education and thus has formal training in this area. It was her training that not only educated me on the fact that AS exists, but that gave her credibility in recommending the appropriate courses of action - something you don't have.

justalouise
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07 Feb 2012, 6:04 am

Actually, the definition of "diagnose" is "the art or act of identifying a disease from its signs and symptoms".

So, yeah, you can totally self-diagnose.

Also, doctors aren't perfect.

NicoleG
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07 Feb 2012, 10:11 am

justalouise wrote:

Actually, the definition of "diagnose" is "the art or act of identifying a disease from its signs and symptoms".
So, yeah, you can totally self-diagnose.
Also, doctors aren't perfect.

Are you sure you don't need an MRI scan before you take that ibuprofen for your headache?

Longshanks
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07 Feb 2012, 5:27 pm

NicoleG wrote:

justalouise wrote:

Actually, the definition of "diagnose" is "the art or act of identifying a disease from its signs and symptoms".
So, yeah, you can totally self-diagnose.
Also, doctors aren't perfect.

Are you sure you don't need an MRI scan before you take that ibuprofen for your headache?

There's a heck of difference between AS and a headache. Secondly, there are cases where people have tought they had an OC disorder when, in fact, it was AS, and vice versa. Third, you can always tell the younger generation from the old: The younger generation claims they know everything while the older ones at least seek help and research things before they dare to think they do.

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