relationship with another one on the spectrum or nt?

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Heidi80
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29 Dec 2011, 6:08 am

For people who have had romantic relationships both with another person on the spectrum and with a neurologically typical person; which was more rewarding (emotionally, physically, socially etc)? Personally, I've never been in a romatic relationship with an NT, so I'm just curious what it's like. My first boyfriend was AS and my current partner is also AS. I kind of feel that it wouldbemuch harder to be in relationship with a neurologically typical man/woman, because of the communication problems. Is this true?



HighPlateau
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29 Dec 2011, 6:26 am

Good question.

Early relationships with NTs ended up with me being cast as 'weird' and them throwing all sorts of blamey stuff at me for things I didn't understand. So I'm not a fan.

My last LTR was with a supposedly NT man (back when I was supposedly NT as well). It was only after we broke up due to irreconcilable communication problems - not so much his sexual infidelity, actually - that I realised we are both AS, and in our ignorance were expecting completely NT behaviour from each other. Each of us, meanwhile, naturally fully understood our own position as 'normal', which it wasn't. It complicated everything. LOL

A brief subsequent online relationship AS/AS didn't fare any better. We seemed to be communicating famously. In fact, we were very good at generating sensible, insightful, logical written discourse and connecting with the other's sensible, insightful, logical written discourse. Where we failed was by each failing to connect our own impressive verbal carapace by anywhere near enough strings to what was actually going on underneath. What was going on underneath, which was the Really Important Stuff, therefore went uncommunicated until the whole thing imploded shockingly, without warning, because of things we hadn't talked about at all, for all our viral lucidity. LOL

So like with like? Absolutely. Still fraught with pitfalls as any other, and perhaps tending to compound due to multiplier effect, but perhaps capable of improvement with more experience and self-knowledge. Hope springs eternal.



fraac
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29 Dec 2011, 6:29 am

My best relationship was with an NT who barely spoke English. It was just animal nature, everything was easy. She wasn't a very normal NT though. No experience with AS, but I really wouldn't want to be with someone like me. Better to complement than mirror, imo.



stephiibean
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29 Dec 2011, 6:50 am

I've never been in a relationship with anyone with AS. Only NT people.

In the 3 serious relationships I've had I can honestly say it's not been easy.
My last one his parents thought I was a waste of space and literally didn't include me in anything they did as a family. I always felt excluded. They were lovely but they clearly didn't think I was right for their son. I enjoyed the 2 years we spent together and don't regret any of it but it didn't work out and should have ended sooner than it did.
He was probably my best relationship and at the end I felt like we were more friends than bf/gf.
So in my experiance I've had my problems with NT but it's the family who find it harder to understand and judge you. They make communication very hard.

Having never had a relationship with an AS I can't comment on anything there.

But then I'm use to communicating with NT because all my friends are NT bar about 3 and I work and am around NT people all the time. I was NT till I was 14!



Tim_Tex
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29 Dec 2011, 9:03 am

I have been with one of each, and I did better with a fellow spectrumite, mainly because of my difficulties with nonverbal social cues. Not that it didn't have its pitfalls, because the main issue that hurt the relationship was her asexuality, which she never confirmed or denied--but it was still a bigger issue even than her living 1,200 miles away.

Also the NT partner cheated on me.



jmagda
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29 Dec 2011, 9:20 am

I've only had 2 serious relationships in my life - the first with a NT and the current one with an AS. Personally, I find my relationship with the AS to be far more rewarding and enjoyable. We both have Aspergers, and understand that sometimes we need our "me time", and are perfectly happy playing video games or something of that sort, rather than going out and socializing. He also doesn't give me a hard time about being shy, and pretty much understands most things I am feeling because for the most part, he feels the same way too.

Dating the NT was such a hassle. I was always dragged to hang out with his horrible loud friends, and he didn't understand why I just didn't feel like talking on the phone sometimes. I felt like I was always being forced into situations that made me uncomfortable. I became very frustrated and angry as time went by, and had to end it. I don't even know why he even liked me.



nick007
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29 Dec 2011, 12:32 pm

I've had two relationships. The 1st was an NT who was NOT typical; she had sever dyslexia, ADHD & minor OCD. My 2nd girl was an Aspie who was pretty stereotypical. Based on my experience & lots of things I've read here by NTs in relationship with Aspies; Aspies tend to be very withdrawn, need lots of alone time/personal space, dislike affection, don't like discussing or dealing with strong emotions, & they are unwilling to compromise or put a lot or equal amount of effort into the relationship. NOT all Aspies are like that but that is the stereotype. I am the opposite of that stereotype; I love being close with my partner, hate being away from her, love being affectionate with her, love discussing emotional stuff & I will do everything I can to make the relationship work. I think a relationship with an NT might be more emotionally rewarding for me because the relationship can became very one-sided if my partner is the opposite of me in those ways; my Aspie girl was & she eventually broke up with me because of it. I have problems getting into relationship with NTs thou because they are very indirect & play those mind-games with me where they tell me one thing when they really mean something else. I think that might could be overcome if they would give me a real chance & put forth an effort to try to understand me & try to make the relationship work with me. I think a nontypical NT might be best for me; like an NT who has learning problems or emotional or other psychological issues because I can relate to that & I'm very emotionally supportive


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stephiibean
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29 Dec 2011, 1:13 pm

nick007 wrote:
I've had two relationships. The 1st was an NT who was NOT typical; she had sever dyslexia, ADHD & minor OCD. My 2nd girl was an Aspie who was pretty stereotypical. Based on my experience & lots of things I've read here by NTs in relationship with Aspies; Aspies tend to be very withdrawn, need lots of alone time/personal space, dislike affection, don't like discussing or dealing with strong emotions, & they are unwilling to compromise or put a lot or equal amount of effort into the relationship. NOT all Aspies are like that but that is the stereotype. I am the opposite of that stereotype; I love being close with my partner, hate being away from her, love being affectionate with her, love discussing emotional stuff & I will do everything I can to make the relationship work. I think a relationship with an NT might be more emotionally rewarding for me because the relationship can became very one-sided if my partner is the opposite of me in those ways; my Aspie girl was & she eventually broke up with me because of it. I have problems getting into relationship with NTs thou because they are very indirect & play those mind-games with me where they tell me one thing when they really mean something else. I think that might could be overcome if they would give me a real chance & put forth an effort to try to understand me & try to make the relationship work with me. I think a nontypical NT might be best for me; like an NT who has learning problems or emotional or other psychological issues because I can relate to that & I'm very emotionally supportive


Thank you.
I'm glad i'm not the only one who isn't stereotypical in that way.
I love being with my partner. Ok so there are odd times where I want to be with them but do my own thing (E.G me and the ex use to sit on the bed together but read books) but i always want to make the relationship work. Which is probably why I've always got on with NT better than AS.
Although the problem with that was that NT people find it weird when I want to cuddle up but don't want to speak and other weird things that I do!

I guess everything has its advantages and disadvantages.