Wrong planet, wrong species, wrong time period...

Page 1 of 1 [ 13 posts ] 


Can the spectrumites be reconciled with the neurotypicals?
Yes 22%  22%  [ 10 ]
Probably 11%  11%  [ 5 ]
Maybe 30%  30%  [ 14 ]
Probably Not 24%  24%  [ 11 ]
No 13%  13%  [ 6 ]
Total votes : 46

CaptainChaos
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30 Dec 2011, 3:23 pm

Hell, wrong dimension for all I know. Incoming tl;dr.

I don't know when I learned the word for it, but I've known from day one that I'm not like the people around me. Sometimes I felt like I was superior to them, other times, not so much. But there was always a gap. As I grew up, and came to learn that the society in which I live was based on guile and deception, I learned that I was born with the wrong tools for the job. I am a fighter, if not physically, then emotionally or mentally. My existence has been one of struggle, resisting at every turn the whims of authority figures and educators.

Above all else, I have wanted to make my own way in the world. My successes felt hallow, such as they depended on the aid of others. My failures felt inflicted, by life or luck itself if not other people. Something or someone, somewhere, desired to see me fall, and laughed when I did so. My interests are largely solitary: People might look at my art or read my stories, but it's surprisingly difficult to get people to listen or understand about history. From where I stand, the people around me seem incredibly preoccupied with manipulating one another into disadvantageous social, political, economic or any other kind of positions. To them, I seem the alien, the outcast: Why occupy oneself with self-improvement when you could sabotage that of your erstwhile fellows? This even extended to my lifelong recreational hobby of videogaming: I prefer most to play alone, but when I wish to play with others, I would prefer to play cooperatively- most others do not. Even my own best friend would rather pit himself against others then collaborate with them, and he's not the most confrontational person I've met by far.

Is that the essence of being a neurotypical? Struggle? Maybe I'm not so different from them. But the fact that there is a difference is enough to make me feel detached. And yet, I am not so far removed as to be fully autistic, as my brother is. And yet, he is the happy one. So little does he understand what goes on around him that he is blissfully ignorant. He has no inkling of what goes on outside the walls of our home, and his the happiest of my family for it. I find such an existence terrifying, and yet I envy him. He does not see the box he lives in for what it is. I do, and see yet more: the prison that entraps all of us. I exist in a Schrodingeran paradox, trapped between the world of neurotypicals and that of those further down the spectrum. This borderline reality has meant that I did not recieve much of the aid I should have. I was not immersed in occupational therapy, I didn't get time and a half on tests, or any of it. I was high-functioning enough to pass for a neurotypical, yet disabled enough to be aware of the lie I was perpetuating. I didn't want to be like my brother, but I didn't want to be like THEM either. I wanted to be something else. I wanted to be better.

My father suffering from paranoia, I cannot assume that I did not inherit an element of such. And so one of many challenges has been trying to categorize each crisis that arises as originating from my Asperger's, paranoia, past experience, or simply the ordinary resistances and misgivings that identify me as a young adult, or something else entirely. Like a crumbling confederation of city-states, the different factions of my psyche battle one other so fiercely that the victor will rule over nothing- a barren wasteland bereft of thought or desire.

And then came women, and the desire for such. I met a girl in highschool. We dated for six years. When it came to the issue of physicality, something I felt was quite minor, it grew into the wedge that finally drove us apart. I had a girl, and then I didn't. And what I had in her place was a hunger, a gnawing black pain that eventually derailed my life. I do not know how much the opposite sex occupies the mind of other men my age, but I know it consumed every thought I did not forcibly assign to something else. I had to work, to play, to talk, to act like a "normal person," lest my desires overcome me. In the end, it was not enough.

I have been in therapy for many years, and I can't say it hasn't helped, because few other people were willing to listen. And by listen, I mean stand by and bear the brunt of my venting, as I rained the stream of my consciousness down on her head like so much artillery fire. For this is how we talk, is it not? We do not converse. We lecture. For so much goes on in my head that I must be allowed to empty it somewhere, lest it overload and explode like in Scanners. The one time I ceased seeing my regular therapist for an extended length of time, I made a grave error that cost me my place in not one community, but two, as a result of ripples that continue to affect me and the prospect of any meaningful future. I came to be under the impression that I was ready for the "real world", and was quite mistaken in that line of thinking.

At present I am quite disenchanted with this vicious cabaret, and find myself in the unenviable position of waiting for a miracle.



thedaywalker
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30 Dec 2011, 3:47 pm

i gues i'm waiting for a miracle to



Sparx
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30 Dec 2011, 4:07 pm

^ Yep.



ghostar
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30 Dec 2011, 4:16 pm

Me too.

And welcome to WP. This is the best place I have found so far on this planet in this dimension during this time period. :)



CockneyRebel
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01 Jan 2012, 2:27 am

Welkome to WP

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CaptainChaos
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01 Jan 2012, 2:13 pm

Thank you, everybody.

My therapist is currently away on a New Year's vacation, and It's getting a little stuffy in my head without her.



outlander
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11 Dec 2014, 9:24 pm

Captain Chaos:
Your post with which you opened this thread on 30 December 2011 was eloquent. From how you describe things I would say that your position and mine on the spectrum are so close that if we are not standing side by side, we would not have to reach very far to shake hands. I think that 90+ % of what you said could have been said by me. The thing with girls was the farthest out and still maybe 40% matched up. It is a little hard to say for sure as I am rapidly closing in on 70 now.

I got a good spin of the wheel with respect to aspergers, and got to design nuclear reactors and taught at 4 different universities as I advanced through graduate school and worked on my doctorate and then as a professor at the last two.

It saddens me that I did not get find your post when you made it, and I see that you only have 5 posts total and no recent activity. But perhaps by responding to a thread this old will make it pop up as an active thread and get someone else to read the thread and see themselves and know that over time and space there are others in the same situation.

[quote-"Captain Chaos"]From where I stand, the people around me seem incredibly preoccupied with manipulating one another into disadvantageous social, political, economic or any other kind of positions. To them, I seem the alien, the outcast: Why occupy oneself with self-improvement when you could sabotage that of your erstwhile fellows?[/quote]That particular statement resonated so well with me it was like we were two identical tuning forks (for those who have seen that high school physics demonstration).

As for the thing with females. I married a very unusual woman who is loving caring and can actually tolerate me without too much difficulty. When we discovered what Aspergers was back about 2005 we laughed a lot as we read tales of people like me. It has been suggested that she is perhaps a bit Aspie herself.

I think the poet Emily Dickenson came close to our situation with this opening stanza:

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

And we aspies do get banished

Another one that comes from a religious source (which may not be suitable for all but can be applied to aspies anyway)

Quote:
...hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.


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kraftiekortie
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12 Dec 2014, 9:17 am

In many cases, we are ALREADY reconciled.

Within the computer industry, for example, there's considerable cooperation between autistics and NT's. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had this "computer revolution."

There are many frustrated people out there who don't "know" that they are autistic, or have autistic tendencies. Why do you think the incidence rises almost exponentially every year?



syzygyish
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24 Dec 2014, 8:23 am

CaptainChaos wrote:
Hell, wrong dimension for all I know. Incoming tl;dr.

I don't know when I learned the word for it, but I've known from day one that I'm not like the people around me. Sometimes I felt like I was superior to them, other times, not so much. But there was always a gap. As I grew up, and came to learn that the society in which I live was based on guile and deception, I learned that I was born with the wrong tools for the job. I am a fighter, if not physically, then emotionally or mentally. My existence has been one of struggle, resisting at every turn the whims of authority figures and educators.

Above all else, I have wanted to make my own way in the world. My successes felt hallow, such as they depended on the aid of others. My failures felt inflicted, by life or luck itself if not other people. Something or someone, somewhere, desired to see me fall, and laughed when I did so. My interests are largely solitary: People might look at my art or read my stories, but it's surprisingly difficult to get people to listen or understand about history. From where I stand, the people around me seem incredibly preoccupied with manipulating one another into disadvantageous social, political, economic or any other kind of positions. To them, I seem the alien, the outcast: Why occupy oneself with self-improvement when you could sabotage that of your erstwhile fellows? This even extended to my lifelong recreational hobby of videogaming: I prefer most to play alone, but when I wish to play with others, I would prefer to play cooperatively- most others do not. Even my own best friend would rather pit himself against others then collaborate with them, and he's not the most confrontational person I've met by far.

Is that the essence of being a neurotypical? Struggle? Maybe I'm not so different from them. But the fact that there is a difference is enough to make me feel detached. And yet, I am not so far removed as to be fully autistic, as my brother is. And yet, he is the happy one. So little does he understand what goes on around him that he is blissfully ignorant. He has no inkling of what goes on outside the walls of our home, and his the happiest of my family for it. I find such an existence terrifying, and yet I envy him. He does not see the box he lives in for what it is. I do, and see yet more: the prison that entraps all of us. I exist in a Schrodingeran paradox, trapped between the world of neurotypicals and that of those further down the spectrum. This borderline reality has meant that I did not recieve much of the aid I should have. I was not immersed in occupational therapy, I didn't get time and a half on tests, or any of it. I was high-functioning enough to pass for a neurotypical, yet disabled enough to be aware of the lie I was perpetuating. I didn't want to be like my brother, but I didn't want to be like THEM either. I wanted to be something else. I wanted to be better.

My father suffering from paranoia, I cannot assume that I did not inherit an element of such. And so one of many challenges has been trying to categorize each crisis that arises as originating from my Asperger's, paranoia, past experience, or simply the ordinary resistances and misgivings that identify me as a young adult, or something else entirely. Like a crumbling confederation of city-states, the different factions of my psyche battle one other so fiercely that the victor will rule over nothing- a barren wasteland bereft of thought or desire.

And then came women, and the desire for such. I met a girl in highschool. We dated for six years. When it came to the issue of physicality, something I felt was quite minor, it grew into the wedge that finally drove us apart. I had a girl, and then I didn't. And what I had in her place was a hunger, a gnawing black pain that eventually derailed my life. I do not know how much the opposite sex occupies the mind of other men my age, but I know it consumed every thought I did not forcibly assign to something else. I had to work, to play, to talk, to act like a "normal person," lest my desires overcome me. In the end, it was not enough.

I have been in therapy for many years, and I can't say it hasn't helped, because few other people were willing to listen. And by listen, I mean stand by and bear the brunt of my venting, as I rained the stream of my consciousness down on her head like so much artillery fire. For this is how we talk, is it not? We do not converse. We lecture. For so much goes on in my head that I must be allowed to empty it somewhere, lest it overload and explode like in Scanners. The one time I ceased seeing my regular therapist for an extended length of time, I made a grave error that cost me my place in not one community, but two, as a result of ripples that continue to affect me and the prospect of any meaningful future. I came to be under the impression that I was ready for the "real world", and was quite mistaken in that line of thinking.

At present I am quite disenchanted with this vicious cabaret, and find myself in the unenviable position of waiting for a miracle.


all you had to tell us was that you are alone and surrounded by people for us to believe you


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olympiadis
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28 Dec 2014, 1:49 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
In many cases, we are ALREADY reconciled.
Within the computer industry, for example, there's considerable cooperation between autistics and NT's. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had this "computer revolution."


Maybe you see too much of the positive in things?
What looks like cooperation is more often exploitation driven by greed.

For example Steve Wozniac was the real genius who designed and wrote the most important parts of the first Apple operating system. Most people do not know who he is.


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24 Feb 2015, 5:11 am

I am also drifting from one pole to the to the other, expecting to be perfectly functioning in a savage disfunctional selfish society. I see major companies floundering by their blatent stupidity. Hobby clubs are distroyed because of the egos of one or two people, the sheep who follow those egos do not understand any of the whys.

I'm tired of trying to understand why greed and politics play so much of a role in so many straight forward events , systems and structures.
I am tired of understanding so many things things and not being able to change anything.



xristopher_BE
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14 Jan 2016, 11:27 pm

Welcome, CaptainChaos into my world. On the 30th of December 2011 you described my world so well...
'Oulander' wrote (his reaction):
"I think that 90+ % of what you said could have been said by me."

Well in my case you should only change the women by men (me being gay).

Today it's the 15th of January 2016. Please, let us know how you're doing today.

Best, christopher



Pergerlady
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15 Jan 2016, 10:35 am

I think yes, but not without time, education, and hard work from both sides.