02 Jan 2012, 3:48 pm
Greetings all...
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same! 
We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care.
Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
Last edited by Catsas on 02 Jan 2012, 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
02 Jan 2012, 3:56 pm
Catsas wrote:
Greetings all...
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same! We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care.
Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same!
We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care. Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
Catsas, my regrets about your experiences as one who has been in a relationship with a normal woman for eleven years. There is zero excuse for what your boyfriend did. If you don't leave him permanently, you would do well to keep him out of your life for a while. A precedent has been established, and you have to let him know that his behavior was beyond the pale, and you will never tolerate it again--meltdown or not. You don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
I too have a temper that is hot, and I can be very nasty. But when it comes to my girlfriend, I walk away before I say or do things I'm going to regret. My girlfriend still can't understand my refusal to fight with her; she calls it "sulking" or "pouting". That's fine with me. If you stay with this fellow, you ought to demand he do the same, or something similar, in no uncertain terms.
You count too.
02 Jan 2012, 4:20 pm
Dunnyveg wrote:
Catsas wrote:
Greetings all...
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same! We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care.
Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same!
We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care. Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
Catsas, my regrets about your experiences as one who has been in a relationship with a normal woman for eleven years. There is zero excuse for what your boyfriend did. If you don't leave him permanently, you would do well to keep him out of your life for a while. A precedent has been established, and you have to let him know that his behavior was beyond the pale, and you will never tolerate it again--meltdown or not. You don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
I too have a temper that is hot, and I can be very nasty. But when it comes to my girlfriend, I walk away before I say or do things I'm going to regret. My girlfriend still can't understand my refusal to fight with her; she calls it "sulking" or "pouting". That's fine with me. If you stay with this fellow, you ought to demand he do the same, or something similar, in no uncertain terms.
You count too.
Thank you so much. I will be communicating my anger and 'me counting too' to him - I am just seeking the words to communicate this to him without destroying him at the same time!! It's important to me. He has to function at work this week (I'm always feeling a need to protect him - damn!!) and I don't want him to become sick and unable to function - however, I do not intend to let this slide either - I am furious, hurt, etc...so - the sooner the better I suppose?! !
FYI: Good for you for walking away when you are upset, re: your girlfriend.
Would you recommend that I write him a brief email - stating the main points for now - that states 'the basics' - similar as you wrote (but in my own words): "his behavior was beyond the pale, and you will never tolerate it again--meltdown or not. You don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that".
Also - he doesn't know what I experienced and I feel a huge desire to tell him how his actions have left me suffering - not to be vindictive but because I am suffering because of HIS actions, as he doesn't even known what I experienced because of his actins...i.e. "I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart".
He should feel badly for this and he has stated that he does and apologized. but I want him to know just what he did to me, what I experienced - what his actions caused - what's happening at the other end of this - which is 'me'. I did not deserve to be treated like this - I have self pride and I am soooo hurt by all of this - yet, care a great deal about him and want him to tell him - but also don't want to crush him. Perhaps he deserves it - but it's not how I operate.
WOW~ me writing this in here was a good idea - my anger and sadness and pain is capable of coming out - not suffering in silence over here - is freeing. Thank you.
I am still naturally reeling from all of this... perhaps much more then I had realized...
~Supportive NT
02 Jan 2012, 4:22 pm
Dunnyveg wrote:
Catsas wrote:
Greetings all...
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same! We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care.
Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
I am an NT found myself on this site because I feel quite alone in my current struggles with high functioning aspie boyfriend.
I care about him very much and have been very supportive and understanding in gaining knowledge re: communication, etc with him and I know he has worked very hard to do the same!
We have grown and moved mountains in cooperating and understanding each other with care. Now I am left hurting and am therefore seeking some support in being able to communicate my feelings with him in the most sensitive, understanding and proper way - so that he can comprehend my hurt feelings without it destroying him...
On New Year's Eve, he began acting very strangely - with moments of silence, moments of lashing out, moments of crying, insulting me and what felt to me like sabotage and torturing me with some very hurtful words and actions. My response to this negative and hurtful behavior was my repeated reassurance thorough calmness, comforting him by wrapping my arms around him with caring support and kindness, explanation to everything he asked of me...etc...
I realize this was a meltdown he was experiencing and I have no idea why it was happening!! I need to know why!! !
He ended up getting physical by slamming his coffee table with his foot, throwing things - including my things and yelling at me to leave his apartment, grabbing me and pushing me down on the couch and then in the end even threatening to hang himself.
I am very angry (naturally) as I was left reeling from all this.
I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart.
I should say this very clearly right now - There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. Yes - it is possible for an Aspie meltdown to trigger violent tendencies, but there is no excuse for acting on them. How dare he do that to me!! !
Today - He has emailed me and apologized sincerely and acknowledged his actions as being the worst thing he has ever done, that he will leave me alone, that he is sorry and hopes I am okay. (Impressive!)
Now, I want to communicate my current feelings with him and I want to express my anger, sadness and pain with him - WITHOUT him deteriorating or not being able to function because of my words. Despite everything - once I care, I will always care and therefore do not want any harm or destruction to come to him - I want him to succeed. I want to express my emotions to him - please help me say the words that will come across properly to him without causing any further destruction. I have a right to voice myself and my feelings - especially after what he did to me.
If he has gotten to the point where the only way he feels that he can get his point across is through violence, then I want to sincerely suggest that he get himself some help. I want to tell him this because I care about him – despite his disgusting behaviour towards me. I know he is hurting and I don't want him to spiral downwards because of this incident.
Hopefully someone can make sense of all I have written here and help guide me in communicating my feelings to him, without causing any more damage to him.
Thank you for reading this and I look forward to hearing your feedback.
~Supportive NT
Catsas, my regrets about your experiences as one who has been in a relationship with a normal woman for eleven years. There is zero excuse for what your boyfriend did. If you don't leave him permanently, you would do well to keep him out of your life for a while. A precedent has been established, and you have to let him know that his behavior was beyond the pale, and you will never tolerate it again--meltdown or not. You don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
I too have a temper that is hot, and I can be very nasty. But when it comes to my girlfriend, I walk away before I say or do things I'm going to regret. My girlfriend still can't understand my refusal to fight with her; she calls it "sulking" or "pouting". That's fine with me. If you stay with this fellow, you ought to demand he do the same, or something similar, in no uncertain terms.
You count too.
Thank you so much. I will be communicating my anger and 'me counting too' to him - I am just seeking the words to communicate this to him without destroying him at the same time!! It's important to me. He has to function at work this week (I'm always feeling a need to protect him - damn!!) and I don't want him to become sick and unable to function - however, I do not intend to let this slide either - I am furious, hurt, etc...so - the sooner the better I suppose?! !
FYI: Good for you for walking away when you are upset, re: your girlfriend.
Would you recommend that I write him a brief email - stating the main points for now - that states 'the basics' - similar as you wrote (but in my own words): "his behavior was beyond the pale, and you will never tolerate it again--meltdown or not. You don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that".
Also - he doesn't know what I experienced and I feel a huge desire to tell him how his actions have left me suffering - not to be vindictive but because I am suffering because of HIS actions, as he doesn't even known what I experienced because of his actins...i.e. "I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas (I managed to get clothes on over top first!) with no cash in my pocket wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with (now) ripped ligaments in my back (Note: I have back problems to begin with which he is aware of), a scratch on my face and a torn heart".
He should feel badly for this and he has stated that he does and apologized. but I want him to know just what he did to me, what I experienced - what his actions caused - what's happening at the other end of this - which is 'me'. I did not deserve to be treated like this - I have self pride and I am soooo hurt by all of this - yet, care a great deal about him and want him to tell him - but also don't want to crush him. Perhaps he deserves it - but it's not how I operate.
WOW~ me writing this in here was a good idea - my anger and sadness and pain is capable of coming out - not suffering in silence over here - is freeing. Thank you.
I am still naturally reeling from all of this... perhaps much more then I had realized...
~Supportive NT
02 Jan 2012, 4:28 pm
02 Jan 2012, 4:48 pm
I am seeking advice of how to get across my feelings and disgust to him, but because I am pretty upset at the moment, I'm having trouble knowing how he will interpret me expressing myself in the way that would satisfy me as well right now.
I want to demand to know why this happened - but I realize this may be a separate thought then me telling him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
I am seeking advice of how to get across my feelings and disgust to him, but because I am pretty upset at the moment, I'm having trouble knowing how he will interpret me expressing myself in the way that would satisfy me as well right now.
I want to demand to know why this happened - but I realize this may be a separate thought then me telling him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Here's my current/tentative email...(please provide your thoughts on it (and hopefully some insight into what his interpretation may be, if possible?)...
-------------------------------------------------
I appreciate your email - acknowledging your actions, apologizing and asking if I am okay.
Moving right along...
There is zero excuse for what you did.
I don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
It does not matter what causes the outburst - violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so you have no excuse.
This behaviour can not be tolerated. I am not of the opinion that ‘you couldn’t help it’, either. You are 40 years old and should have found a way to ‘help it’ by now.
I humiliated and angry.
There is no excuse for being physically abusive.
I demand an explanation as to why you did this to me. Why was I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas with no cash in my pocket, wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with ripped ligaments in my back, a scratch on my face and a torn heart? I demand to know why??! !!
Aspergers is no excuse, as you can just as easily push the fridge than push me, or go for a walk.
I am angry, sad and humiliated.
I am angry for the loss, for the hurt, for the wounds to both my heart and my body. I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel lost. As usual – I will suffer in silence alone.
I will not tolerate this behaviour ever, ever, ever – meltdown or not!
There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. How dare you do that to me!! ! 
I count, too.
If you have gotten to the point where the only way you feel that he can get your point across is through violence, then I sincerely suggest that you get yourself some help. I say this because I care about you – even despite your disgusting behaviour towards me.
02 Jan 2012, 5:36 pm
Catsas wrote:
I am seeking advice of how to get across my feelings and disgust to him, but because I am pretty upset at the moment, I'm having trouble knowing how he will interpret me expressing myself in the way that would satisfy me as well right now.
I want to demand to know why this happened - but I realize this may be a separate thought then me telling him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
I am seeking advice of how to get across my feelings and disgust to him, but because I am pretty upset at the moment, I'm having trouble knowing how he will interpret me expressing myself in the way that would satisfy me as well right now.
I want to demand to know why this happened - but I realize this may be a separate thought then me telling him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Here's my current/tentative email...(please provide your thoughts on it (and hopefully some insight into what his interpretation may be, if possible?)...
-------------------------------------------------
I appreciate your email - acknowledging your actions, apologizing and asking if I am okay.
Moving right along...
There is zero excuse for what you did.
I don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
It does not matter what causes the outburst - violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so you have no excuse.
This behaviour can not be tolerated. I am not of the opinion that ‘you couldn’t help it’, either. You are 40 years old and should have found a way to ‘help it’ by now.
I humiliated and angry.
There is no excuse for being physically abusive.
I demand an explanation as to why you did this to me. Why was I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas with no cash in my pocket, wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with ripped ligaments in my back, a scratch on my face and a torn heart? I demand to know why??! !!
Aspergers is no excuse, as you can just as easily push the fridge than push me, or go for a walk.
I am angry, sad and humiliated.
I am angry for the loss, for the hurt, for the wounds to both my heart and my body. I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel lost. As usual – I will suffer in silence alone.
I will not tolerate this behaviour ever, ever, ever – meltdown or not!
There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. How dare you do that to me!! !
I count, too.
If you have gotten to the point where the only way you feel that he can get your point across is through violence, then I sincerely suggest that you get yourself some help. I say this because I care about you – even despite your disgusting behaviour towards me.
I want to demand to know why this happened - but I realize this may be a separate thought then me telling him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
I am seeking advice of how to get across my feelings and disgust to him, but because I am pretty upset at the moment, I'm having trouble knowing how he will interpret me expressing myself in the way that would satisfy me as well right now.
I want to demand to know why this happened - but I realize this may be a separate thought then me telling him that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Here's my current/tentative email...(please provide your thoughts on it (and hopefully some insight into what his interpretation may be, if possible?)...
-------------------------------------------------
I appreciate your email - acknowledging your actions, apologizing and asking if I am okay.
Moving right along...
There is zero excuse for what you did.
I don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
It does not matter what causes the outburst - violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so you have no excuse.
This behaviour can not be tolerated. I am not of the opinion that ‘you couldn’t help it’, either. You are 40 years old and should have found a way to ‘help it’ by now.
I humiliated and angry.
There is no excuse for being physically abusive.
I demand an explanation as to why you did this to me. Why was I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas with no cash in my pocket, wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with ripped ligaments in my back, a scratch on my face and a torn heart? I demand to know why??! !!
Aspergers is no excuse, as you can just as easily push the fridge than push me, or go for a walk.
I am angry, sad and humiliated.
I am angry for the loss, for the hurt, for the wounds to both my heart and my body. I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel lost. As usual – I will suffer in silence alone.
I will not tolerate this behaviour ever, ever, ever – meltdown or not!
There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. How dare you do that to me!! !
I count, too.
If you have gotten to the point where the only way you feel that he can get your point across is through violence, then I sincerely suggest that you get yourself some help. I say this because I care about you – even despite your disgusting behaviour towards me.
Just for your own safety and happiness, I'm afraid I'd go a bit further. Tell him you're very upset, need some time alone, and you will call him when you are ready to talk to him. Give him a few days to stew. Then, I would tell him what you think best, followed by: If you ever physically hurt or degrade me again, it's all over--and let him know you mean it.
I'm obviously not familiar with your situation, but the average boyfriend can beat the hell out of his girlfriend. That's not something you can risk, especially with an aspie who has demonstrated he's willing to use violence during a meltdown. This is serious business.
Call me old school, but I don't believe a man should hit a woman--ever.
02 Jan 2012, 5:40 pm
I appreciate your email - acknowledging your actions, apologizing and asking if I am okay.
Moving right along...
There is zero excuse for what you did.
I don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
It does not matter what causes the outburst - violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so you have no excuse.
This behaviour can not be tolerated. I am not of the opinion that ‘you couldn’t help it’, either. You are 40 years old and should have found a way to ‘help it’ by now.
I humiliated and angry.
There is no excuse for being physically abusive.
I demand an explanation as to why you did this to me. Why was I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas with no cash in my pocket, wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with ripped ligaments in my back, a scratch on my face and a torn heart? I demand to know why??! !!
Aspergers is no excuse, as you can just as easily push the fridge than push me, or go for a walk.
I am angry, sad and humiliated.
I am angry for the loss, for the hurt, for the wounds to both my heart and my body. I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel lost. As usual – I will suffer in silence alone.
I will not tolerate this behaviour ever, ever, ever – meltdown or not!
There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. How dare you do that to me!! !
I count, too.
If you have gotten to the point where the only way you feel that he can get your point across is through violence, then I sincerely suggest that you get yourself some help. I say this because I care about you – even despite your disgusting behaviour towards me.
I am very upset. I need some time alone.
I will contact you when I am ready to talk to you.
02 Jan 2012, 5:48 pm
Catsas wrote:
I appreciate your email - acknowledging your actions, apologizing and asking if I am okay.
Moving right along...
There is zero excuse for what you did.
I don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
It does not matter what causes the outburst - violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so you have no excuse.
This behaviour can not be tolerated. I am not of the opinion that ‘you couldn’t help it’, either. You are 40 years old and should have found a way to ‘help it’ by now.
I humiliated and angry.
There is no excuse for being physically abusive.
I demand an explanation as to why you did this to me. Why was I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas with no cash in my pocket, wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with ripped ligaments in my back, a scratch on my face and a torn heart? I demand to know why??! !!
Aspergers is no excuse, as you can just as easily push the fridge than push me, or go for a walk.
I am angry, sad and humiliated.
I am angry for the loss, for the hurt, for the wounds to both my heart and my body. I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel lost. As usual – I will suffer in silence alone.
I will not tolerate this behaviour ever, ever, ever – meltdown or not!
There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. How dare you do that to me!! !
I count, too.
If you have gotten to the point where the only way you feel that he can get your point across is through violence, then I sincerely suggest that you get yourself some help. I say this because I care about you – even despite your disgusting behaviour towards me.
I am very upset. I need some time alone.
I will contact you when I am ready to talk to you.
Moving right along...
There is zero excuse for what you did.
I don't deserve to get hurt or humiliated like that.
It does not matter what causes the outburst - violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so you have no excuse.
This behaviour can not be tolerated. I am not of the opinion that ‘you couldn’t help it’, either. You are 40 years old and should have found a way to ‘help it’ by now.
I humiliated and angry.
There is no excuse for being physically abusive.
I demand an explanation as to why you did this to me. Why was I sent outside in the cold in my pajamas with no cash in my pocket, wandering the streets to get myself somewhere safe/home, my body shaking due to physical shock, with ripped ligaments in my back, a scratch on my face and a torn heart? I demand to know why??! !!
Aspergers is no excuse, as you can just as easily push the fridge than push me, or go for a walk.
I am angry, sad and humiliated.
I am angry for the loss, for the hurt, for the wounds to both my heart and my body. I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel lost. As usual – I will suffer in silence alone.
I will not tolerate this behaviour ever, ever, ever – meltdown or not!
There is no excuse for this behaviour – there is no excuse for being violent with me. How dare you do that to me!! !
I count, too.
If you have gotten to the point where the only way you feel that he can get your point across is through violence, then I sincerely suggest that you get yourself some help. I say this because I care about you – even despite your disgusting behaviour towards me.
I am very upset. I need some time alone.
I will contact you when I am ready to talk to you.
Yes, and then call him up in a few days--but not before then.
Good luck!
02 Jan 2012, 5:49 pm
02 Jan 2012, 6:29 pm
02 Jan 2012, 6:56 pm
MountainLaurel wrote:
From reading here at WP I've the impression that once a meltdown is imminent, there's simply no stopping it. Read any topic on meltdowns here and you'll see what I mean. Here are two (of many):
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt169318.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt176050.html
I am not arguing that what your boyfriend did is acceptable; it's not. But if one is to accept the testimony of the members here; then the conclusion will be; meltdowns cannot be controlled. What I've read is that for AS individuals who have violent meltdowns; they're horrified that they have them; they wish to heck that they were not afflicted with them and are humiliated by how they effect standers-by.
What if being truly supportive of a loved one who experiences meltdowns entails the supportive individual having an alternate place to go and transportation to get there at all times; in case of an occasional meltdown? That way, neither party need suffer the humiliation and physical harm inherent in uncontrollable meltdowns.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt169318.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt176050.html
I am not arguing that what your boyfriend did is acceptable; it's not. But if one is to accept the testimony of the members here; then the conclusion will be; meltdowns cannot be controlled. What I've read is that for AS individuals who have violent meltdowns; they're horrified that they have them; they wish to heck that they were not afflicted with them and are humiliated by how they effect standers-by.
What if being truly supportive of a loved one who experiences meltdowns entails the supportive individual having an alternate place to go and transportation to get there at all times; in case of an occasional meltdown? That way, neither party need suffer the humiliation and physical harm inherent in uncontrollable meltdowns.
Hi and thanks for your post.
I am well aware of meltdowns and have never experienced him have one like the violent one that occurred on New Year's Eve with him - ever.
However - I was there (at his place) and seemingly 'trapped' in it with him - i would not have dared to leave during this! His meltdown would have been worlds heightened if I had 'abandoned' him during this particular meltdown. He seemed 'too far gone' from the very beginning of the meltdown - so, I was 'trapped' there with him, 'in it' - being unable to 'reach' him despite trying everything I knew how - including not talking at all. I was at his place and he wasn't seemingly going anywhere - so there was no 'escape' from it, 'until he decided that there was'. It was very painful for me to 'watch', knowingly not being able to reach/help or comfort him - which is all I wanted to do!! I sat there and took my lumps of verbal diarrhea spewed in my direction, answered all of his questions calmly and assertively, asked how I could help, said nothing, comforted him when he allowed me to, etc...
I do not know where this meltdown came from and why it ended up with physical violence. What happened to me by his actions is not acceptable - meltdown or not and he needs to know that- which I have done now.
What I understand about meltdowns is that has always meant the most to me (As I have never felt in physical danger before!) - is that he, himself is the one that is 'trapped' and he wants to stop and escape the meltdown more then anyone!! There is nothing I wouldn't do to help him through a meltdown, given the chance. However - if I am the unknowingly the cause the meltdown - then it seems near impossible to be the one to help him if I am somehow the trigger!
I don't want him to hurt - I am an understanding, sensitive, supportive NT and educate myself constantly with him and via the resources available to me as well.
This situation that occurred here with physical violence is very scary for him - and also for me.
02 Jan 2012, 7:20 pm
02 Jan 2012, 7:39 pm
02 Jan 2012, 7:48 pm
02 Jan 2012, 8:05 pm
MountainLaurel wrote:
Quote:
i would not have dared to leave during this! His meltdown would have been worlds heightened if I had 'abandoned' him during this particular meltdown.
What I meant to convey is that according to the testimony of AS folks who have the meltdowns; they want to, need to, be totally alone during the meltdowns. Read the forums I linked. They are written by those afflicted by meltdowns; not "experts".
You used the word; abandoned, which resonates with NTs. But my understanding is that while in the throws of meltdowns, AS folks want to be left alone. Were you, perhaps, being supportive in a way which would be good for an NT in distress, but counter-productive for an AS person experiencing a meltdown?
I am not addressing what precipitated the meltdown; only what best to do once a meltdown occurs. Wouldn't it be merciful to both parties for you to be able to leave safely to another location while he does what he needs to do to decompress?
You are absolutely right! I was (naturally) going with my instincts in being supportive in an NT way...as this was the first highly intense meltdown that I was involved in with him. I told him that I should go and he responded with, "Do you think if you go that I am not going to go mental on this place if you abandon me right now"...then, the name calling followed. So - yes, 'trapped' comes to mind. It seemed a lose/lose situation of the highest proportion. He seemed unable to remove himself and I felt unable to remove myself. It was a little scary.
This is something that I have posed to him in a bit of a questionnaire email in the past (earlier on in our relationship) - 'if this were ever to occur - how should I handle it best for you' - and advice for me to protect him and myself if this occurred. At the time he said that by the way it was written, that he needed time to be able to answer it - by removing the emotions and then being able to answer with fact. I have never received an email response to this 'questionnaire'.
If we are to get past the current situation I would be interested in resending it to him - perhaps now that I find myself here on this message board with support and helpful advice from all such wonderful people who can help me to rewrite this email 'questionnaire' to him once again - but alter it to come across better for the both of us.
Note: Here is the original one (below) that I sent (again-we were quite new to our relationship at the time that I wrote it and was not as educated or had as much experience as I have now)- so please take no offense to my reference to things, as I wasn't clear about them myself when I wrote them initially) - I wrote this after our initial poor communicating in which arguments naturally ensued - wherein he left me messages and called me names, swearing, etc - which I referred to as a 'meltdown' at the time. (I had seen nothing like I did on New Years Eve - but, again - I am learning and so is he and this relationship is and has been 'a process' - we both have acknowledged that and grown a lot since it's inception. When things are good they are incredibly positive, loving and we are both very happy.
Okay - here goes...
AGAIN - please take no offense to my approach, poor wording or inappropriate phrases here - I was 'new'...and simply trying to learn and arm myself with knowledge... THANKS!
Appreciate it!
Here's the email:
"‘Meltdowns’:
1) As best you can, please tell me what your biggest (or most commonly known) triggers are - that you feel I should be most aware of?
2a) Is it realistic for me to try to attempt to plan to prevent these triggers? …or at least see them coming? (signs, signals?)
2b) Are you able to announce/warn me verbally when you are feeling triggered?
3) Is there anything that I can do to help YOU to take evasive actions before a meltdown happens to you?
4) What should I do if you are in a meltdown?
5a) Please explain to help me understand why you call me nasty names, swear at me, insult me and say very hurtful things to me during a meltdown.
5b) What is the best way for me to respond/react to these insults – to help you or help myself through them?
5c) Do you direct this ‘rage’ meltdown name calling towards me only because I am the cause of the trigger?...or will you direct it at me no matter what your trigger was?
5d) Do you remember the things you said and did during a meltdown?
6) Please describe to me, (as best you can?!) what happens to you (mind/body, stages?) when you are experiencing a meltdown.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is the following ‘true’ or ‘false’ - (and please elaborate, if you can, or is necessary?!)
~There is no reasoning with you when you are in meltdown because it isn’t a ‘reasonable’ thing.
~I should not engage with you while you are in a meltdown.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note:
If you ‘rage’ at me – I will back off, (if this is what you would like me to do?)…BUT, I want to be very clear to you – that if I back off during these ‘rages’, it is not in any way an indication that I do not care – because I do care!! ! During these times when I back off, I will try to cope with my own feelings by remembering that your rage isn’t something you are doing to ME – but rather something that is happening to YOU and I will do my very best to not take this personally. But, please know that I do want to be there for you.
This meltdown behaviour is upsetting to those around you and very hurtful. I don’t believe that it should be “acceptable”, even if ‘everyone knows it can’t be helped’. It does happen and it will happen, and you deal with it each time, but it is still important to understand that those meltdowns are upsetting for EVERYONE, and although you can’t help it or stop it from happening, it’s maybe good to have that understanding of its effects on others.
Meltdowns are emotionally and physically exhausting for you, but I want you to be aware that they are emotionally and physically exhausting for me, too – just on a very different type of level. I will therefore, need reassurances from you as well, afterwards - whenever you are ready to give them to me, okay? – I am asking you to please do this for me, as I have a need for it from you.
If there is a realization with a reason why these meltdowns occur and/or (overreaction?) takes place the way it does, can this hopefully come as something of a relief?!
I recognize and acknowledge and I thank you that you are at least trying to control yourself around me until you can be alone to relieve the stress and let it out without upsetting anyone around you. Thank you for this – it must be very difficult for you!
I care about you and I will accept you no matter what.
I want you to be true to yourself and proud of who you are.
I do not want you to ‘wear a mask’. If you do not know what is appropriate for a given situation and what isn't – just ask me - and I would like your permission to do the same with you- if I, too am ever unsure.
I do not want you to resent me and I do not want to be taken for granted, either. So, it would be nice for you to understand what my needs are in this relationship – because any relationship is a two-way street, with two people with their own set of needs, not just one person. I would like some of my needs (little ones) met as well…as time passes and things grow between us.
I can not predict the future and I am not going to try to. I will take everything on a day-to-day basis as that is all I ever have any control over, anyway!! !
I will try to pay attention to why/how you do things – but it would be helpful to me for you to explain it to me, sometimes just to make sure we can communicate appropriately with one another moving foreword.
There is some work to be done here over the course of time. There are not instant fixes sometimes, unfortunately. Time is what is needed. In order for me to learn to deal with situations and discover positive coping mechanisms (or perhaps even be able to help you with yours, if this is even possible and you would like me to try??) - I will accept to ‘live and learn’ and to try my best to not repeat mistakes. I will be as patient as I can be and I know that since I am only human, that – ‘some days will be better then others’. I do not have all the answers and I am human, therefore I do make mistakes, too. Having said that --- ‘Knowledge is power’ and I would like to arm myself with it!!
I hope you can understand everything that I have written here to be derived from the care that I have for you and with the honest effort to be as understanding as I can be during a very new and different relationship that I find myself currently involved in."
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