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icyfire4w5
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03 Jan 2012, 1:21 am

Grr... I get annoyed when certain long-lost acquaintances used New Year as an excuse to probe into my life. (They must have heard lots of rumors about how messed up my life is, so they want to hear from me myself.) They wished me Happy New Year through sms (short message service), I wished them Happy New Year back, they seized the opportunity to ask me out, claiming that they would like to find out more about my life. I found some lame excuse to reject their invitations. They were like, "Alright, we communicate through smses then. Would you mind if I ask... (insert intrusive question intended to embarrass me here)" I'm so offended that I won't be publishing any of their questions here. I have been ignoring their smses. On one hand, I wonder why I have turned so rude, but on the other hand, I really don't want to re-connect with these acquaintances. Your thoughts?



Asp-Z
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03 Jan 2012, 4:54 am

If you don't want to talk to people, just don't. I've had similar things and I find I start talking to people out of curiosity, but honestly, I almost always end up regretting it. More often than not, people are out of my life for a good reason. So yeah, don't feel bad about ignoring them.



Synecdoche
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03 Jan 2012, 5:48 am

No, I, too, have felt this even if I don't want to admit it.

Some people I just can't or don't feel the desire to hang out with anymore. I realize that the longer I hang out with them, the more time and money I'll end up losing. I'd stagnate as a person. I can't keep up with that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to go and watch some movie with a stupid plot, then spend more money eating out, and then staying up all night talking about things I have no interests in. I don't want to sound mean but these friends, whom I grew up with and care about, are fat, obnoxious, and unambitious, which is more representative of the lifestyle they live, which isn't the kind of lifestyle I want to live. I'd have to accustom myself to being more like them than being myself. I'd like to hang out with them once in awhile because they're my friends but I've also started to turn them down more and not talk to them as much.

I guess the only way to put it is that I kind of know where they're going and that's not the place I want to be or the kind of life I know how to live.


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Ellendra
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03 Jan 2012, 5:08 pm

If the questions are that intrusive, then they are the ones being rude. Ettiquette does not obligate anyone to discuss their private, personal business just because someone asked.

You can politely say "That's rather a more personal question than I'm comfortable discussing right now. By the way, how is the weather down there?" (or some other non-intrusive question).

You would not believe the number of Miss Manners articles devoted to variations on this theme.



anneurysm
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04 Jan 2012, 1:57 pm

They are not doing this to make you intentionally feel bad about your current situation...they just genuinely want to know how you are, without any ulterior motives, as their way of making a connection with you. I see it as their method of reaching out to you, as they think you are interesting in some way and they just want to get to know you more.

The question is...do you really want these people in your life, or do you find them annoying? If they are annoying...just ignore them by not responding to their messages.


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Mostly keeping a distance from ASD-related things (including WP).


1000Knives
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04 Jan 2012, 3:38 pm

anneurysm wrote:
They are not doing this to make you intentionally feel bad about your current situation...they just genuinely want to know how you are, without any ulterior motives, as their way of making a connection with you. I see it as their method of reaching out to you, as they think you are interesting in some way and they just want to get to know you more.

The question is...do you really want these people in your life, or do you find them annoying? If they are annoying...just ignore them by not responding to their messages.


See, for me, I still see ulterior motives about this kind of thing, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise.



MathGirl
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04 Jan 2012, 6:38 pm

Yeah, this sounds really weird/creepy/stalker-ish. I don't think they would go after you if you don't respond to their messages. Although maybe they might, which would be an invasion of your privacy and you would have every right to report that. So by all means, just don't respond. Or respond saying that you don't like sharing personal information or something else along those lines.


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Rational
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04 Jan 2012, 7:56 pm

I would actually feel very happy if someone asked me out. Since I moved in London in 1.5 years, I don't have any friends to hang out with, though maybe I can find some if I try to, I'm leaving making the first impressions for when I'm better at social skills. But I feel lonely. :(



RiverRawr
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05 Feb 2012, 2:52 am

Synecdoche wrote:
No, I, too, have felt this even if I don't want to admit it.

Some people I just can't or don't feel the desire to hang out with anymore. I realize that the longer I hang out with them, the more time and money I'll end up losing. I'd stagnate as a person. I can't keep up with that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to go and watch some movie with a stupid plot, then spend more money eating out, and then staying up all night talking about things I have no interests in. I don't want to sound mean but these friends, whom I grew up with and care about, are fat, obnoxious, and unambitious, which is more representative of the lifestyle they live, which isn't the kind of lifestyle I want to live. I'd have to accustom myself to being more like them than being myself. I'd like to hang out with them once in awhile because they're my friends but I've also started to turn them down more and not talk to them as much.

I guess the only way to put it is that I kind of know where they're going and that's not the place I want to be or the kind of life I know how to live.


I had friends like that... I don't anymore... I just stopped investing my time there. I felt just like you said, stagnating and bored.

This sounds terrible I know, but the only time I will go out and watch some movie with a stupid plot, and spend more money eating out or drinking, and talking about drivel, is if I'm sexually attracted to someone and think there's a really good chance I'll get a cuddle or a night of intimacy. Then I actually enjoy the rest of the drivel... because I'm focusing on the physical intimacy and I don't really care about the rest of the details.



OliveOilMom
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05 Feb 2012, 3:12 am

When someone asks me a question that is none of their business I answer with "Why do you ask?" That turns the tables. Whatever their answer is, I don't address the actual answer itself, I address the fact that they answered my question and say "Oh, OK". Then I completely ignore the first, nosey question.


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dianthus
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05 Feb 2012, 11:41 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
When someone asks me a question that is none of their business I answer with "Why do you ask?" That turns the tables. Whatever their answer is, I don't address the actual answer itself, I address the fact that they answered my question and say "Oh, OK". Then I completely ignore the first, nosey question.


^This. I only learned how to do this a few years ago. I used to just automatically answer whatever questions people asked me.



NicoleG
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06 Feb 2012, 1:19 pm

They might just be showing concern, they might not realize they are asking questions that you find intrusive, and they might have ulterior motives either to get to know you better or strike up a friendship, or to just be nosey busy-bodies that don't know how to mind their own business. All of the above could be true, and you're not going to know unless you ask, so flatly ignoring them isn't going to answer those questions for you. If they are trying to be nice and strike up a friendship without realizing they are prying too far, how you go about asking them may end up putting them off, as then you may come off as not wanting their company at all. Of course, if you don't want their company at all, then ignore them all you like, or just tell them point blank why you would prefer not to continue associating with them, and then they'll leave you alone.

OliveOilMom and Ellendra both have good suggestions on how to positively uncover the other person's motives without offending them. The idea is to deflect their prying questions without them feeling like they just ran smack into a brick wall. Finding out why they are asking may lead to other topics that you are okay with talking about, and setting some ground rules for how much of your personal life you are willing to share with the other person - they may not realize that they are making you feel uncomfortable. Telling a person you don't feel comfortable with X topic of discussion, but you'd be happy to talk about Y and Z shows that you are still willing to communicate with them, but to a limited extent that offers you more control regarding the subject matter.