What makes having an aspie child difficult?

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Yep, I was just going to say - we have all of this, too. However, at 11, it's getting much better.

Something else I thought of that I write about here a lot: the complete lack of feedback on your parenting. It is so, so difficult to figure out the line between letting him do whatever he wants and pushing him too hard. Setting the correct expectations for our son continues to be a serious challenge, and unfortunately when we screw it up, there are serious consequences.

What I mean is that when we push my son too hard, he holds it in for a month or so and we think everything is going swimmingly, and then he explodes (and by explodes I mean EXPLODES - sometimes physical violence is involved.) Or we let things go, and realize that his schoolwork has regressed to way below his capabilities (meaning two or three grade levels below work we've seen him do - so, 1st grade writing in 4th grade, when he's able to read and understand Shakespeare) and he's sitting around the house frustrated, bored, and unhappy.

We seem to have found a balance this year, but there are so many variables to control, and so many factors, that next year will be a whole new feeling-out process.

The hardest thing for me is that I always felt proud of my parenting approach with my other kids, because it worked. I didn't care about people who criticized me for being too permissive or not consistent enough. With my ASD daughter, I used to wonder if her behaviour was entirely my fault. At least since her dx I know it's only partly my fault because her ASD behaviours require me to be more consistent than I am. But I don't feel like I am able to respond appropriately to some of her behaviours. I panic every time she goes into her pre-meltdown behaviour because I don't know what to do.

My therapist once mentioned to me that mothers of children with autism don't get the same positive feedback from their kids. Even as infants, they might not meet their gaze as much, as toddlers they might not show the same interest in what you're doing, and so on. I think that contributes to the feeling that I'm not always the mom she needs.
J.

There are many difficult things. There is feeling terrible that I'm sending my child to a place (school) when it is so very uncomfortable for her and I am not sure the gain outweighs the pain. There is the fact that her difficulties in school trigger PTSD in me. There is never knowing for sure whether I am getting through to her or not. There is the fact that university level child development, communication, parenting and psychology courses, plus mounds of books on parenting and communications have not prepared me to deal with this child or with the veiled or unveiled suggestions that I don't know how to parent. There is knowing that behavior is communication, but her communications go unheard except by me. There is the uncertainty of what her future holds. I am not getting any younger. When she is 18 I will be 65. Currently the DD waiver for supported living takes 8 years. She is now 10.

The thing is, how can you protect them without making the bullying worse?

I told my mother and she or my grandmother would call the parents of the other child, or talk to the teacher. If she talked to the parents, then the other kid would just hate me more and I would be called a cry baby or a tattletale and it would get worse, or sometimes it would just become more covert. People would do things to me without me knowing who it was.

If she told the teacher, that resulted in me being asked to leave the room for a minute, and while I stook in the hallway where I could hear every word, I'd hear the teacher lecture the other kids about why they shouldn't be mean to me. It was more embarrassing for that to happen than it was painful to be bullied and teased.

So, I don't know what a parent can do in those situations that won't make things worse. I've only stepped in once with one of my kids. My husband and I have always told them they have to fight back. Whether it be with words if somebody is insulting them and they can't ignore it (with ignoring it as the best option) or physically if the person hits them first. They have always handled their own problems that way (but they are NT's). Once I had to step in with my oldest, when he was in second grade. There was a very violent boy in his class who was bigger than him and would really hurt him at PE. The last straw was when the boy hit him with a chain and he had chain shaped bruises on his back. We went to the principle, and the boy was expelled, as this was about his third or fourth offense.

I suppose it's a toss up as to how to handle it when your kid is being picked on. If the other parent or the teacher can be trusted to handle it in a confidential way without making it obvious that someone told and complained, that's the ideal option. But many parents won't do that because they get upset that their child was criticized, even if it's for bullying.

For my 6yo son:

his constant complaining
his constant negotiating
his need to have all HIS desires met instantaneously
No one else's feelings matter but his
His OCD
his vidoe game obsession that takes over every aspect of the day
He dosent want to do ANYTHING but play DS, play iPad, or watch tv. Any activity other then those 3 things are a battle.
He dosent hear me, or isnt listening.
His own adgenda that MUST BE FOLLOWED, regardless of the consequence.
He blames everyone else but takes no responsibility.
He is sooooo darn smart, but has no common sence at all.
His anxiety
His sensitivities to smells and sounds
his lack of focus unless its video game/electronics
He just dosent get it.


I feel horrible writing all this negative, cause there is so much wonderful about my son. But he is soooo draining, he is sooo much work. And today was a particularly difficult day for him.

Rigidity is a b!*&$, isn't it? Fortunately, it seems to improve with time and constant effort. DS is much better these days.

aann wrote:
Mummy, that's terrible! How can you protect your child if you don't ask? This is grounds for firing, if you ask me.

OliveOilMom wrote: The thing is, how can you protect them without making the bullying worse?

I am appalled that an authority from the school tells a parent not to ask. What?! ! You at least need the information, regardless of how you can or cannot protect them. You can yank them out of the school. What about lawsuits against adults in the schools who will not protect children? What about training your child how to handle situations? or at least attempting to. (See comment below about Bullies to Buddies)

To not ask, you lock the child into hopelessness, which is what he has already if he isn't telling you what is going on at school. It also tells abusers that bullying is acceptible behavior, making bullying worse. Real teachers know they cannot be everywhere at once and hear everything going on. Children must be able to express themselves for their own healing (and Mummy did say she ignores this admin's advice). Parents should know that many aspies are so literal, they cannot tell a lie and must be trusted if there is stuff going on at school.

I understand that complaining can make abuse worse. This happened to my NT nephew in a serious way. But there is no excuse for purposely being blind, deaf, and dumb about it. In some schools nowadays, bullying is being handled better than in the past. There just might be something you could do.

What helped my son, BTW, was a curriculum online, free, called Bullies to Buddies. He read all that and suddenly strongly desired to play with the neighborhood kids. Nowadays he is practically inseparable from the kids across the street used to, and sometimes still, treat him as an outsider. For now it's just enough to keep him in practice about defending himself. For an aspie kid, these relationships are just wonderful.

Did you just post about my daughter? Crips, you described her to a tee!

I have to admit I am up late tonight due to the realization that my 8 year old daughter is most likely AS. We had her tested when she was young but they found nothing. I realize now they were looking for HFA or male expressed AS which is less subtle than female expressed AS.

For the first time I am rattled. I have lived with AS my whole life, and through the bullies, the social isolation, the misunderstanding, etc. I have learned to cope and become comfortable in my own skin. Of course I am in my early 40s now and am ok with having few friends in life and living a homebody life. However at 8 years old she has the expectations that the NT world has placed in her of sleepovers and friends, cheerleading and popularity. We have tried to indulge her but I think she now recognizing something is different. My wife and I are as well.

What is most difficult is this: I am an Aspie as is my wife. We understand the AS side. But how do we help her get across to relate to the NT side which as ourselves we can barely do on a rudimentary level? Its not like my girl will be talking to programmers and engineers. It will be boys and girls she just wont get as she takes every statement literally. I am baffled and out of my element and I don't look forward to living in this discomfort for a long period of time with her, yet we have no choice. Any words of wisdom for me as I start this journey?

I now it is horrible. I'm not a quick thinker, especially in situations like that, and I also like to avoid confrontation. I mull over things later and get angry, when I think of what I should have said or done. My daughter's 2 class teachers were at the meeting too. One of them also has a 6yr old child, at the same school. The next time, I hope to speak to the teachers, without the DH being there. I'd really like to get her reaction to that, in the absence of her boss.

I wish I had told them, but it's the sort of thing I've been going over since the meeting. It felt a bit like a 3 against one meeting, although the purpose of it was to try to find ways for us all to help my daughter. My own Aspergers traits (undiagnosed) don't help in these sort of circumstances.

I think there are some things that make my son a little easier than a NT child. His desire to follow rules makes enforcing rules a lot easier sometimes!!


What is most difficult is the feeling that other parents often think I'm hovering when really I'm just trying to be in tune with him. I know that when we are at a social function there is a "sweet spot" where leaving would be a good time. If I miss it, as I often do, there's a complete meltdown that lasts from the time I mention leaving until we get home.

Sensory issues are rough, but since he's a seeker, it's probably less problematic than for those who have sensory defensive issues. Just last night, when we were leaving a friends house, not only did he have a meltdown because I waited to leave for too long, but he was rolling around on the ground a whole bunch for sensory input. Luckily, we were visiting his friend who is also on the spectrum, so that's pretty accepted over there, but at other people's houses, we get some funny looks/comments.

SLEEEEEP! This is the biggest issue. This kid has so much trouble. He takes melatonin to help him get to sleep at night, but he often wakes in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. So, he spends a lot of his days completely exhausted.


I think it's mostly sensory related, but like others, he cannot focus on much. Apparently, he does very well in school, but at home.... boy oh boy. I'll get out all of his clothes and lay them on the floor... ask him to take his clothes off and put the clean clothes on. I'll leave the rooma nd come back and he's naked and looking at a book or playing with a flashlight or WHATEVER. Then, I have to stand there and bark orders at him to put his clothes on one at a time. I'm thinking of seeing if a reward system will work to get him focused on things like getting dressed. I'm so tired of having to count down to get him to put his undies, then his pants, then his shirt.... you get the idea.

This one is me right now! My son has never been one for early nights, usually drops off sometime between midnight and 1am. However, since having a general anaesthetic last Thursday so he could have teeth extracted he is wide awake till 3am!

School goes back tomorrow after the holidays, and because of roadworks we're going to have to get up and out 30 mins earlier than usual.

Currently half past midnight and he's bouncing round his room right now.

I am not looking forward to the morning.

Misstippy.....the not putting on the clothes could be a motorplanning problem.....also difficulty with organizing and planning activity...problem with sequencing? Sometimes our kids know what to do and can....but then struggle with starting or finishing the task.....just keep this in mind.....I realized with my son sometimes I must give more verbal cues."....
Regarding bullying.....I didnt read all, but with my son I did realize that yes he does tell the truth....but sometimes his recollection or interpretation of what happened isnt always correct.....like he will think some one hit him against the chest....but they were only playing hard, but his tactile sensitivity makes it feel worse.....or he misunderstand a joke or critisism and see it as verbal abuse.....sure I know there is a boy who hurts him....I have spoken to the teacher plenty of times......she then asked this boys teacher if he has problems with other kids to....no.....spoke to this child....he started to cry (personally I think this boy is lower on the spectrum himself!)....So what they thought if doing maybe in the fututre was to get both boys together and help them with assertiveness training and roll playing conflict in a more acceptable way!

the hardest thing for me is not being able to be flexible as a family. we have one aspie daughter and one NT daughter. Our aspie daughter needs her routine and when it is interupted then we have the meltdowns. It is like living with a little dictator. Also the reaction of other parents, the lack of birthday invites or playdate offers, and the feeling of being judged as a 'bad mother'.