Paranoia 101
16 Oct 2006, 1:59 pm
1. Lock your luggage.
2. Put something gross in your luggage to mark your territory.
3. Put a weapon in your luggage so you don't lose the luggage.
4. Better yet, travel light and take your stuff with you on the plane.
5. Wear lethal shoes (lethal for attackers, not for you).
6. If you are walking alone at night and don't have a gun, make it look like you have one. Make something into a gun shape and put it under your clothes.
7. Don't eat in restaurants.
8. Grow your own food.
9. Always wear a cotton shirt, which can be used as a gas mask in a biohazard scare (anthrax, etc).
10. Look around. All the time.
11. Look at people's hands all the time. Go farther away from them whenever their hands move.
12. Kick them in the balls.
13. Poke em in the eyes.
14. Carry a gun, spray or spear. A knife only works if they're right on top of you or you have amazing throwing power better than that of theattacker.
15. Look around for weapons you might use. You're stupid if you use a knife hen there's a pitchfork in the room.
16. Think ahead.
17. Walk. Don't trust public transit.
18. Stay away from crowds. Suicide bombings are rampant.
19. Stay away from schools. Join the armed forces. It's safer to go to war than to go to school. (JK!)
20. Stand on the attacker's neck.
21. Stomp on their head.
22. Stomp on their balls.
23. Stomp on their chest.
24. Don't stomp on their stomach unless there's nowhere else on them you can stomp on. They'll probably puke... up into your face!
25. Search people visually for weapons. If you can't see the blackboard at school get your eyes tested!
Add yours!
16 Oct 2006, 6:18 pm
"I don't know exactly how to explain it to you, Doctor," the young man began. He smoothed back his slick black hair that shone like a phonograph record and blinked his baby-blue eyes. "It seems to be the opposite of a persecution complex."
Dr. Manly J. Departure was a short severe man who made a point of never exhibiting surprise. "The opposite of a persecution complex?" he said, permitting one eyebrow to elevate. "How do you mean — the opposite of a persecution complex, Mr. McFarlane?"
"Well, for one thing, I keep thinking that I'm following someone." McFarlane sat placidly in the big easy chair, hands folded, pink cheeks glowing, the picture of health and tranquility. Dr. Departure stirred uneasily.
"You mean you think someone is following, you, don't you?" the doctor corrected.
"No. No, I don't! I mean that while I'm walking along the street, suddenly I have this feeling there is somebody just ahead of me. Somebody I'm after. Someone I'm following. Sometimes I even begin to run to catch up with him! Of course —there's no one there. It's inconvenient. Damned inconvenient. And I hate to run."
Dr. Departure fiddled with a pencil. "I see. Is there anything else?"
"Well, yes. I keep having thes feeling that people ... that people...well, it's really very silly..."
"It's quite all right," Dr. Departure purred. Feel free to tell me anything."
"Well, I keep having this strange feeling that people are plotting to do me good. That they're trying to be benevolent and kind toward me. I don't know exactly who they are, or why they wish me all this kindness, but...it's all very fantastic, isn't it?"
It had been a long hard day for Dr. Departure. Somehow he did not feel up to any more symptoms. He busied himself the rest of hour obtaining factual background. McFarlane was thirty-two; happily married; healthy, normal childhood; satisfactorily employed as a radio repairman; no physical complaints; no bad dreams; no drinking; no history of parental discord; no financial worries. Nothing.
"Shall we say Thursday at ten, then?" he smiled, ushering McFarlane out......"
Excerpt from "The Origin of Narapoia" - Alan Nelson
17 Oct 2006, 6:32 pm
Dr. Manly J. Departure was a short severe man who made a point of never exhibiting surprise. "The opposite of a persecution complex?" he said, permitting one eyebrow to elevate. "How do you mean — the opposite of a persecution complex, Mr. McFarlane?"
"Well, for one thing, I keep thinking that I'm following someone." McFarlane sat placidly in the big easy chair, hands folded, pink cheeks glowing, the picture of health and tranquility. Dr. Departure stirred uneasily.
"You mean you think someone is following, you, don't you?" the doctor corrected.
"No. No, I don't! I mean that while I'm walking along the street, suddenly I have this feeling there is somebody just ahead of me. Somebody I'm after. Someone I'm following. Sometimes I even begin to run to catch up with him! Of course —there's no one there. It's inconvenient. Damned inconvenient. And I hate to run."
Dr. Departure fiddled with a pencil. "I see. Is there anything else?"
"Well, yes. I keep having thes feeling that people ... that people...well, it's really very silly..."
"It's quite all right," Dr. Departure purred. Feel free to tell me anything."
"Well, I keep having this strange feeling that people are plotting to do me good. That they're trying to be benevolent and kind toward me. I don't know exactly who they are, or why they wish me all this kindness, but...it's all very fantastic, isn't it?"
It had been a long hard day for Dr. Departure. Somehow he did not feel up to any more symptoms. He busied himself the rest of hour obtaining factual background. McFarlane was thirty-two; happily married; healthy, normal childhood; satisfactorily employed as a radio repairman; no physical complaints; no bad dreams; no drinking; no history of parental discord; no financial worries. Nothing.
"Shall we say Thursday at ten, then?" he smiled, ushering McFarlane out......"
Excerpt from "The Origin of Narapoia" - Alan Nelson
WTF?
That was weird....
...and funny...
_________________
(No longer a mod)
On sabbatical...
