Page 1 of 2 [ 26 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

markaudette
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 702
Location: Middle Tennessee, USA

16 Oct 2006, 11:26 pm

I was sitting one day watching a news segement about children with autism. (It's ALWAYS children and never adults! :x ). And one of the things mentioned was Asperger's Syndrome. I wasn't paying the closest attention to the segment until certain traits of the syndrome were mentioned. And then I perked up and began to listen a lot closer. The more than was mentioned about Asperger's, the more dumbstruck I felt. The more I started to feel like the segment was describing things about ME and not some kid patient on TV.

My name is Mark, I'm 34 years old and I've been treated, on and off, for things such as severe depression and Adult Attention Defeicit Disorder. But it's simply not just severe depression or AADD that can really describe what I feel what's wrong with me. Some years in therapy and a heck of a lot of soul searching have just shown me that there's something else that neither I nor any therapist have been able to put (mine) and their fingers on. I feel like I have found an answer in Asperger's Syndrome. I just have one problem about diagnosing myself...

I want to say that I may have found my answer to my problems with Asperger's Syndrome. And I would say that most of the symptoms describe me to the letter. But me diagnosing myself makes me feel uncomfortable. I have long since gave up seeing a psychologist for what ails me since the state of psychology here in Tennessee in utterly laughable. So I just go about my life like the walking wounded.

I don't work. In two different senses of the word, I don't work. First, since I was long ago diagnosed with panic disorder, I have been on disability. It's not something I like admitting. In fact, I abhor even mentioning it. Admitting it makes me feel like I am some freak of nature too ugly to see the light of day. And in the second sense of the word, I don't work because I am a broken human being. I practically can't function out there in the real world. It's nearly impossible. I am not a functional human being.

I have the very worst time trying to function in social situations. I have never known why but I simply CANNOT finds the right words to say in public situations where i have to converse with people. And even one other person. I just never, ever know what to say or do. Because no matter what I do or say - it's the wrong thing. No matter how well I try to choose my words or actions. I spent an incredible amount of time and mental resources trying to find the right words and the correct actions to take. But what I end up saying and doing is never what's in my head. I would much rather just open my mouth and continue talking in a stream-of-consciousness spill rather than have to carefully choose every word I say.

I do obsess over different things. I am an artist and I have obsessed of it until about 2 years ago. At which point my desperate love for art has basically evaporated since. I couldn't ever think it was possible for me to fall out of lovve with my art but it's happened. And because it HAS happened - know I KNOW something is up. Something very big and very serious. Me- I, I don't fall out of love with art. It's like me falling out of love with breathing or chocolate. It just shouldn't ever happen. But it did. And I find I go through phases where I am unexplainedly driven to learn all I can possibly learn about certain topics that seem to shift in preference from time to time. I won't stay passionate about one thing for absolutely forever. It eventually changes. But whatever it changes to, I'm always passionate about it. I'm always passionate about funny and odd things no one cares about. I always maintain this irrational drive to know all I can about an endless shifting series of menutae. And I have alienated a lot of people because they never share the same passion I do. For instace, I have this overwhelming drive to know how ...everything is made. And it never dies down with age. I always want to know how everything is made. I can't control that curiosity. I will think back to all the things I used to be bonkers about and I have to scratch my head sometimes. Even my Dad has mentioned that he laughs at the things he used to be passionate about but which he longer cares for whatsoever. I noticed even he goes through cycles of desperately loving something only to eventually abandon the very same thing at a later time. It's an endless cycle of being passionate then completely abandoned the very same things.

Like I said before, I'm an artist. (http://www.artwanted.com/markaudette). And I try to dabble wit writing as well but geez, that's where the AADD has been kicking in as of late. I try to do more art and writing but I simply cannot muster the interest I used to have in those activities. There's many more things I haven't described here but I'm trying to unravel the mystery of what makes me so uncapable of expressing myself.

So, uh, hey everyone! I hope to learn more about Asperger's.



Starbuline
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Sep 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,231
Location: .....Russia

17 Oct 2006, 12:13 am

Welcome!!



krex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2006
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,106
Location: Village of the Damned

17 Oct 2006, 2:05 am

Hi.....I just recently got a DX .I think if you dont have any counselers in your area who know about adult AS,it probably would be a waste of time to try and get professional help.(You should check on line to make sure ,though).There is a recent thread here where someone has listed alot of books on the subject and of course there is WP to get info and support.Good luck on your new "adventure"...sure has been a ride for me.


_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesn't mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang

Visit my wool sculpture blog
http://eyesoftime.blogspot.com/


fresco
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,291

17 Oct 2006, 6:00 am

Welcome markaudette, are you in the US or UK? This forum is great its so helpful!



Raph522
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 15,940

17 Oct 2006, 7:12 am

welcome to WP markaudette


_________________
snowcone


markaudette
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 702
Location: Middle Tennessee, USA

17 Oct 2006, 8:08 am

Thanks, all. I live in the US. Tennessee. It's on the eastern part of the U.S.

Thankfully there is a good place here in town that can diagnose AS. One of the very few places in Tennessee, actually. Lucky for me! I hesitate in going back there since I have seen therapists there in the past. And it's never productive sessions I have. Basically, all that really happens are the therapists just try to eat up the clock since I am on state-ran welfare. Here in Tennessee, it's called Tenncare. They see a poor guy come in on the state's tab and they never get anything done. Which is actually fine because I really don't like seeing a therapist regularly. Just an endless round of a doctor answering my questions with questions. I feel that if I were richer, it'd be different. I could get better help. Still, I need to go back to see if I can diagnosed. See if my current diagnoses still stand or if what I 'm going through can be fit into the category of Asperger's.

I also try, with all my power, to avoid people when I can. I love being out in the open, like being in the woods or out in nature. But when it comes to intimately interacting with people, there's some kind of panic that kicks in when I think of that. I get a sour stomach at the thought of sitting across from someone trying to hold an intelligent conversation while racing to find the words to say to every sentence. And I never find the right words to say. Over the years I have created a mental script to go by but ad libbing is the hardest thing ever. I have kept myself out of reach to people. I try to stay at arm's length, mentally. I just nod and smile. I want to be kind. I care for people. But I keep myself on the outer fringes of the world, so to speak. Like the world is behind some sheet of glass. Like I'm always behind something obscuring my vision of reality. I have such a problem percieving the world. Nothing ever seems quite real. Why??...

I grew up normal I guess. I made my way through school and even managed a couple years of college. At which point I realized I was burnt out as badly as one could be. The only area I can say I have always had a tough time in has been math. I really don't know how to describe it but I'm numerically dislexic. Numbers get jumbled up in my head and I cannot add them up, equate them or figure them out. I try but the answers I get are wrong 95% of the time. I never had any speech problem. Other than the talent to speak a mile a minute. I can talk my head off, longer and faster than anyone can keep up. I used to be called "Motormouth" when I was younger. Then I got older and grew up and found that society does not tolerate a motomouth at all. No one can stand a person who can't shut up. And I can't. I DO... I have learned to be silent and not be talkative but the whole process have been very corrosive to my personality and inner emotions. It's been kind of like opening a can of 100 year old beans. A stinky, rotten, filthy mess no one wants to deal with. And that's how I can desribe what I feel like on the inside. I feel ...putrid at having to keep my mouth shut all the time. And not work out what's inside of me.

I think if people see my artwork, they can see the fire that burns inside me. I think that's what they see.



Prof_Pretorius
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2006
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,985
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library

17 Oct 2006, 10:09 am

By all means, share some of your artwork with us!! ! Check out the Artistic Forum, and share some of your work. I recently strated playing with Photoshop, and find it immensely therapeutic!! ! Some of my pics are quite good, so says my wife's friends at work. She takes my pics in to show them off!! !



markaudette
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 702
Location: Middle Tennessee, USA

17 Oct 2006, 3:44 pm

I would post the pics themselves but I can't turn the html on yet. I don't know why. And because I'm on a laptop right now, copy and pasting the links into code would take me a month. So I'll just post my portfolio site and you can link to it from here. Cool?

http://www.artwanted.com/markaudette

I really need to get me a USB mouse for this laptop. It makes things A LOT easier!

Thanks for looking at my portfolio!



krex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jun 2006
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,106
Location: Village of the Damned

17 Oct 2006, 3:55 pm

Hi Mark....Do you enjoy reading.Some people with AS are more linguistic and some into numbers.There is a lot of diversity here.I have been a reader all my life inspite of problems with grammer and spelling that I think are "dyslexic" in nature.I can read but writing is not my strong suit.
The reason I ask about the reading is that the sense of "unreality" of the world is described well in many books by "existentialist",like Camus.(sp?)I really think he was AS.


_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesn't mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang

Visit my wool sculpture blog
http://eyesoftime.blogspot.com/


markaudette
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 702
Location: Middle Tennessee, USA

17 Oct 2006, 4:16 pm

I really do enjoy reading. Although I have not done a lot of it in the longest time. I don't habe any grammatical dyslexia (that I know of). Just numerical dyslexia. Which is kind of odd since one of my older brothers has grammatical dyslexia. Me, I just get numbers kafoozled in my head and on paper. If there is ONE thing I am NOT inclined to, it's numbers.

My favorite authors are Isaac Asimov and Chuck Palahniuk.

I used to read a lot more than I do now. Now, because I am taking care of my aging and dying father, I can't afford escapism because the weight of the world around me is a little too much to allow me to escape into fantasy. Right now, I have to keep my head above water.

And besdies, reading makes me very sleepy now! I need a pair of glasses!

If I am verbose in anything, it would be my inclination to writing. I love to write. Although I have not done very much writing for the longest time.



CanyonWind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Sep 2006
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,881
Location: West of the Great Divide

18 Oct 2006, 2:05 am

Hello Mark, and welcome,

The difficulties you have in getting along with people and the changing obsessions sound about as aspie as it gets. Believe it or not, this place is full of people who are trying to deal with the same things, myself included. You're not alone.


_________________
They murdered boys in Mississippi. They shot Medgar in the back.
Did you say that wasn't proper? Did you march out on the track?
You were quiet, just like mice. And now you say that we're not nice.
Well thank you buddy for your advice...
-Malvina


Prof_Pretorius
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2006
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,985
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library

18 Oct 2006, 11:15 am

Mark, neat artwork!! I like the old comicbook style. I'm trying to write a graphic novel (sounds inside-out, doesn't it?) and your art is the type I get a kick out of!! !



macaddict
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 17 Oct 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 69

18 Oct 2006, 9:24 pm

Hi there....

Mark, I came here trying to find information for my son on Asperger's and I realize that heck, I think I have it. Like you I am an Artist. I am a graphic designer, I work on computers (I am online 24/7) all the time as it's an obsession that I get paid to partake in and get paid for it!. I am a terrible speller by the way.

Like you I am a sponge for learning as much as I can about anything. I constantly take things apart, fix them, put them back together, and totally intriqued at how they work. As a designer, I am always looking at how things are put together...i.e. the font used, the Pantone color choices, the layout, the printing process they used either on billboards or tangible print. I also copy anything and make it better than the original.

The few friends I have call me martha stewart. Cooking, making pottery (that's functional and practica), creating websites, creating hand drawn invitations, creating my own line of bath and body products, creating the marketing for both of my businesses. The list goes on and on.

I don't have to be around people 24/7 like most women my age (36). My computer world is way more interesting. Now I have also had a gazillion careers. Taught high school, worked in a bank, worked as a full time artist, became a respiratory therapist, drove a fork lift, owned stores, and what not. I am also clairvoyant to a certain degree, which also freaks out my close friends and family members. My child is also exhibiting this too and he is only 7.

You aren't alone and I have realised here that I am not either. My son and I will benefit greatly from this site!
Cheers,
macaddict



werbert
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 May 2006
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,108

18 Oct 2006, 11:58 pm

Ah, a fellow Tennessean. Welcome!


_________________
Still looking for my antidiluvian baby


Prof_Pretorius
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2006
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,985
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library

19 Oct 2006, 4:23 pm

Ah, a Photoshopaholic ! !! !

I love running photos through the various filters to make them look like watercolors. or oil paintings.