Relationship has left me scared of people

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gorgeousdisaster
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18 Jan 2012, 8:08 am

Okay, it's a long story, so I won't go into it completely. I am AS & have been in a relationship with an AS (undiagnosed) man for a year and a half. There are some issues, like any relationship. I have only had 1 other long term relationship in my life (and one short term and both were NT) and I tend to get walked on. I am too nice, to be honest. I put everything I have into a relationship. If I love someone I will make a lot of effort to make it work, and when it comes to compromises, it seems I'm the one that makes them. Regardless, I am now in quite a spot....
I'm totally in love and dedicated to someone that leaves me feeling, well... mind-f$#%-ed. He seems to be very manipulative but not in a blatant way (well, not to me at least). He never says he's sorry for anything, he has what seems to be too much self confidence (rather grandiose sense of himself, he thinks big and he literally thinks he's better than everyone else). I, on the other hand, am pretty meek and always have been, probably partially due to bullying as a child.
Now, talking to him and interacting with him leaves me feeling completely drained. Not of social energy alone, but it's almost like he sucks energy from my soul, or even is trying to suck out my soul itself. Now I don't know how to get out of this and move on with my life. I don't know how to separate from him completely and I do still love him and care for him very much. And I don't want anyone else. I don't feel attraction to anyone else and don't know if I can.... but I am scared of him.
And I've been doing research on narcissism and psycho/sociopathy and he fits more along those traits than AS. I don't want to believe it, but I'm starting to see that it's not all cut and dry/black and white. I've become afraid of people in general now. I'm so scared, I don't want to have this happen again. I don't want to ever go through something like this again. I am so scared of people now. I worry constantly that someone new will come along someday and take most everything I have (like this guy did) and that the end result may even be worse. I'm afraid for my life and my heart.
I don't know what to do.
I had to edit this to keep myself from being caught. Sorry.



Last edited by gorgeousdisaster on 19 Jan 2012, 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

mv
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18 Jan 2012, 8:22 am

Yes, he sounds NPD to me. The only thing you can do, THE ONLY THING, is to sour the milk. Cut off all contact, give him not one whit more attention. He will move on to someone else.

This is literally all you can do. It's very sad, these people are permanently damaged, and you need to save yourself. If he were your arm I'd advise you to amputate, that's how serious I am. These people are poisonous in a way that you can't explain to other people, because they don't see it (they don't live with him).

Feel free to PM me, I have experience with this kind of person and I'm still trying to recover, many years later. I can see things much more clearly now, and your first few sentences had me thinking NPD.



mark99
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18 Jan 2012, 8:39 am

Get away from him. You've broken up with him, you don't owe him anything, and he has no right to manipulate you or control you the way you describe. Tell him you don't want any more contact with him, and get a restraining order if he won't respect your wishes. don't answer his phone calls, delete his voice mails, texts and e-mails, and don't listen to or read any of them.

Starting a sexual relationship with a woman and then saying "I can't marry you because..." is the oldest form of male selfishness and deceit that there is, no matter what reason he gives you. It's a ploy that men use to get laid without having to give anything in return. There are plenty of situations where a man and a woman might be happy living together in a healthy relationship without being married, but his secretiveness, controlling behavior, freeloading and refusal to get married all suggest that this man loves himself far more than he loves you or anyone else.



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18 Jan 2012, 9:00 am

OMG GIRL!! ! What the heck is there to love about this horrible human being?! Actually he is very one-sided - he's a me-me. You are one-sided as well but in a different sense - you refuse to believe the truth. It's much more comfortable for you to believe the lies you tell yourself because the delusion you're living in feels a heck of a lot better than the pure, brash reality of lonliness. Please get away from this monster before you end up dead and buried in a trunk. Do you hate yourself?? Why in the world would you want to be with this manipulative monster who finds excuses in a flash to keep people around so he can further abuse them. He is SO f'n shallow! I'm surprised nobody killed him yet. He thinks you're stupid because you believe his lies. You KNOW you don't believe his lies - you just don't want to face the fact that this is NOT love. You desparately want it to be love. Look at it this way. You've learned. Now, you will recognize right away when someone is simply NO GOOD. As soon as you see the slightest resemblence to your past abusive relationships, RUN AWAY!! ! Feel free to read the posts to "How you ever dated a psychopath/narcissist?" How could you say that you love him but are scared of him at the same time? Your AS is actually hurting you and is the cause of this.
Abuse happens to a lot of people on the spectrum because they never really understand interpersonal relations. Just because somebody is a husband, a father, a doctor doesn't mean that they actually "LIVE UP TO" their title. It's all that communication under the surface that aspies really don't comprehend. A pencil is an impliment that writes. The aspie sees this literally and still to trys to write with a pencil whose lead has been taken out a long time ago.
When the lead is gone, it's may look like a pencil but clearly doesn't act like a pencil. But the aspie still sees it as a pencil. What it really is: A USELESS PENCIL. See people for what they really are. People are NOT what they say - they are what they DO. If a father treats an innocent child with cruelty and abuse, he's not a father. He's an ABUSER that happened to procreate. He's clearly NOT a father. Don't expect people to live up to a definition. It's what they do and how they treat you that defines WHAT they are. My father was no good. He was an incestuous pedophile. My mother would tell me to respect him because he's my father. She even had the nerve to quote one of the ten commandments - Honor thy father and mother. I cut them both out of my life because the last thing I would want to hear my mother say was,"Now, respect him, he's your grandfather" That's what is meant by "THE LEGACY OF ABUSE". If you had a child with this monster, you would create a legacy of abuse. You be as bad as my mother was. I could have stayed and pretended that I had a good family and that everything was peachy but this abuse would have spread to my own kids like a cancer. What kind of mother is that?? Is it a mother at all? My mother has AS and is STILL married to him in full knowledge of what he is. She just isn't able to "GET IT" through her thick aspie head. She thinks that she is virtuous because she is so loving and forgiving. Even animals who are moms better protect their offspring. NOBODY in their neighborhood talks to them. She doesn't know why. Do you understand what I mean? Even an ANIMAL will protect their offspring. She's head over heels in love with a concept as opposed to a reality.



Last edited by RightGalaxy on 18 Jan 2012, 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ria1989
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18 Jan 2012, 9:32 am

Get out before it's too late! You're on the path to a more abusive relationship than you already have. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, and he makes it known to you. That's the worst; you're fortunate that you do have signs of abuse before you would step into marriage with him. Now please use these signs and get out.

Don't think it will get better. Just because he's shown you love in the past, does not mean the love will return after you fight. He manipulated you into being his servant (fig. of course!), now he's stomping on your soul. He is sucking the life out of you, so you're too weak to leave. Your identity will be him, not you.


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goodwitchy
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18 Jan 2012, 9:34 am

I'm sorry you went through that....it sounds torturous.
Life is not easy, and marriage is a relationship that two people need to both give and take in.

If you're dating or engaged and you see warning signs during this period (which is when you should both be the happiest together), then you need to ask yourself if you really want to marry someone like that, because as you get older, life doesn't usually get happier or much easier. Your mate should be someone you feel cares about you, and ideally, someone who brings out the best in you.

Trust is a major theme. If you have reason not to trust someone, trust your own instincts.


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RightGalaxy
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18 Jan 2012, 9:50 am

Ria1989 wrote:
Get out before it's too late! You're on the path to a more abusive relationship than you already have. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, and he makes it known to you. That's the worst; you're fortunate that you do have signs of abuse before you would step into marriage with him. Now please use these signs and get out.

Don't think it will get better. Just because he's shown you love in the past, does not mean the love will return after you fight. He manipulated you into being his servant (fig. of course!), now he's stomping on your soul. He is sucking the life out of you, so you're too weak to leave. Your identity will be him, not you.


Watch what you post when you say "He's shown you love in the past". That was the bait!! It wasn't love. It's bait. Every psycho looks for your greed. They let you win at first so you stay. In the end, they eat you alive. Just like the DEVIL!! The famous psycho Charles Manson's number one method of control was to kill out the identity of the kids under his control. Manson is a textbook psychopath. He first got rid of their physical boundaries by using sex. They were young, they wanted the sex that society denied them. Society wanted them to be responsible. That's all. Manson made them have sex with the opposite gender, sex with the same gender, sex, sex, sex etc... Destroying who they were and replacing it with loyalty for the things he alone wanted. They were convinced they wanted it too. He and they were one and the same now. Just like a virus. They rip out the DNA of the cell and replace with their own DNA.



gorgeousdisaster
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18 Jan 2012, 10:43 am

Oh, thank you all so very much! I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and it's been really hard for me. I am very innocent- not that I'm perfect by any means, but I am way too trusting. I just have always thought people were generally good. The worst part about me is that I am capable of loving anyone. I don't know if that's a fault, or just how I am, but I always end up loving people, even if they aren't good to me. I guess what I mean is that I can and do find the best traits of everyone I meet. I'm rather meek and I don't have much confidence or self esteem. Well, I don't know which it is, I mean I am confident in myself in certain things I'm good at, and I know I am a good person and everything, but I've been a doormat my whole life. And I don't know how to stop being a doormat. I'm afraid I simply attract people like this.



Last edited by gorgeousdisaster on 19 Jan 2012, 1:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

gorgeousdisaster
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18 Jan 2012, 11:03 am

RightGalaxy wrote:
Watch what you post when you say "He's shown you love in the past". That was the bait!! It wasn't love. It's bait. Every psycho looks for your greed. They let you win at first so you stay. In the end, they eat you alive. Just like the DEVIL!! The famous psycho Charles Manson's number one method of control was to kill out the identity of the kids under his control. Manson is a textbook psychopath. He first got rid of their physical boundaries by using sex. They were young, they wanted the sex that society denied them. Society wanted them to be responsible. That's all. Manson made them have sex with the opposite gender, sex with the same gender, sex, sex, sex etc... Destroying who they were and replacing it with loyalty for the things he alone wanted. They were convinced they wanted it too. He and they were one and the same now. Just like a virus. They rip out the DNA of the cell and replace with their own DNA.


Wow! My greed is love. All I want is love, I have a heart full of love that I want to share with someone. Love was the bait. WOW.... WOW.

I like your virus reference too.



mom77
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18 Jan 2012, 11:29 am

You were given excellent advice here
I could have written your post, he sounds very VERY much like my ex husband
It took me many years to get out of the marriage, and being that we have kids together, he still finds ways to be manipulative
My ex does not have AS
I think that people on the spectrum, being generally trustworthy themselves, find it hard that accept when they are being abused. Personally, I naturally assume the good in people, but have also gotten stepped on as a result, and have consequently reached a place of seeing the world in the opposite extreme. Working on undoing that damage now.
Specifically in my marriage, I went through several years self doubt, specifically because of the superficial statements and smiles which I mistook for goodwill.
Now divorced, I am terrified, and I mean terrified of anyone who has a good "pick-up line", or even one who overtly expresses affection or even good intention without backing it up with action. Scarred but wiser.
No disorder is an excuse for abusive behavior.
Feel free to PM me



cinbad
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18 Jan 2012, 12:03 pm

wow, I could have written this. I was with him for 14 years. gorgeousdisaster, as I read your post, I kept thinking you might be his new girlfriend. Unfortunately for her, she got pregnant within two weeks of meeting him (In my basement). Basically, he was just sticking around me until he found someone else to use. Poor girl, he's already left her for someone else and the baby is still under a year old. I am sure he hated the baby taking the spotlight and all her money.

mom77, yes! I am so afraid of someone doing the "bait and switch" to me. My present bf is aspie like me and he is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, intelligent, and witty man I have ever met. At the same time, he takes great care of himself, he has a great job, a house, and is obviously responsible and handsome, did I say handsome (worth saying twice) omg? He scares the s**t out of me. LOL I kept waiting for the "switch" for so long I broke up with him twice when I saw any sign of negativity. I actually thought he was breaking up with me so I preempted him. duh.

Carried away...my point is. After taking two years to be alone and get used to the fact that I could easily take care of myself instead of allowing my ex to control me, I had no less than a hundred dates in a year looking for someone who was right for me. Even then, the repercussions of my exes control took it's toll. My bf was forgiving enough to take me back with no reprisals. I sincerely believe my retreat from my ex made me a better person. You will find that life will be soooo easy without him. Even being alone was so much more satisfying and peaceful. I dated knowing that I would never again be with someone who did not make my life better than it was being alone. My bf does this for me.


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Ria1989
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18 Jan 2012, 12:51 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Ria1989 wrote:
Get out before it's too late! You're on the path to a more abusive relationship than you already have. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, and he makes it known to you. That's the worst; you're fortunate that you do have signs of abuse before you would step into marriage with him. Now please use these signs and get out.

Don't think it will get better. Just because he's shown you love in the past, does not mean the love will return after you fight. He manipulated you into being his servant (fig. of course!), now he's stomping on your soul. He is sucking the life out of you, so you're too weak to leave. Your identity will be him, not you.


Watch what you post when you say "He's shown you love in the past". That was the bait!! It wasn't love. It's bait. Every psycho looks for your greed. They let you win at first so you stay. In the end, they eat you alive. Just like the DEVIL!! The famous psycho Charles Manson's number one method of control was to kill out the identity of the kids under his control. Manson is a textbook psychopath. He first got rid of their physical boundaries by using sex. They were young, they wanted the sex that society denied them. Society wanted them to be responsible. That's all. Manson made them have sex with the opposite gender, sex with the same gender, sex, sex, sex etc... Destroying who they were and replacing it with loyalty for the things he alone wanted. They were convinced they wanted it too. He and they were one and the same now. Just like a virus. They rip out the DNA of the cell and replace with their own DNA.


I didn't even realize that I wrote that. I'm suffering from PTSD because my ex tried murdering me(he dragged me to his backyard where he was going to burn me alive and then someone answered my prayers and his neighbors called the cops). He was very close too. It shows how I still am not over my same mentality. I thought I was, but that showed me I'm not.... My counselor made it seem like I was healthy, but now I'm doubting.


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munch15a
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18 Jan 2012, 10:16 pm

Really just echoing thoughts but yeah I would get out cut all ties he may be a better man one day but he will not be a better man while he walks over you you seam like a good person you did all you could it may be hard to stop loving him and move on but you will be much better off at best your future will him will slightly worse then it is now at worse it will be life of hopeless abuse you can wash your hands clean of him and move on

if you still have some feelings for him and feel guilty then you can tell your self that he needs to move on too in order to grow to be a better person

if you don't then great it should be a bit easier

but yes cut all ties



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20 Jan 2012, 8:59 am

gorgeousdisaster wrote:
RightGalaxy wrote:
Watch what you post when you say "He's shown you love in the past". That was the bait!! It wasn't love. It's bait. Every psycho looks for your greed. They let you win at first so you stay. In the end, they eat you alive. Just like the DEVIL!! The famous psycho Charles Manson's number one method of control was to kill out the identity of the kids under his control. Manson is a textbook psychopath. He first got rid of their physical boundaries by using sex. They were young, they wanted the sex that society denied them. Society wanted them to be responsible. That's all. Manson made them have sex with the opposite gender, sex with the same gender, sex, sex, sex etc... Destroying who they were and replacing it with loyalty for the things he alone wanted. They were convinced they wanted it too. He and they were one and the same now. Just like a virus. They rip out the DNA of the cell and replace with their own DNA.




Listen :) That's what I mean!! If the psycho "knows" that LOVE is your greed. They'll use the illusion of LOVE to control, use, and abuse you. That's why it's such a big bang in the beginning - that's the bait. I'm not kidding. I did this myself to extract 5 grand from a man who I couldn't possibly respect or even like. He had the money, I knew it, I was young and seductive at the time. I know I'm not a psycho because I did feel guilt. Once I finished my education, I paid him back. In the beginning, I had no intention of paying him back. The weird thing is that once i got what I needed - a nursing degree - I felt obligation to him but still not love. I lead him to believe that I loved him because I needed money to meet my goal. He was simply my financier. He thought he was my fiance. He eventually married someone who really does love him. I eventually married someone I really love too. BUT REMEMBER, true psychos don't feel guilt.



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20 Jan 2012, 3:41 pm

GET. OUT. NOW.

This reminds me a LOT of my relationship with my ex--he ended up trying to kill me, and I still thought he was a good person! Don't let yourself get taken over by this guy. Get out.