How to keep yourself save!?

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Ok......we had a GREAT week....really.....but TERRIBLE ending.
Not going to say much....to tired after this afternoon....those who has been there....will know what I am talking about!
What do you do to keep yourself and other kids safe when your gfg looses it and becomes agressive?
I took my PT and went to lock ourselves in the walk in cupboard....but gfg was hitting the door so hard with the skate board I had to get out......He was threatening me and wished I was dead....all because he has the thought stuck in his head that if I were dead he can do whatever he wants...its about him wanting to watch horror movies and we say no!
I cant lock him in his room...we have no keys because for safety risks...
So far he has just enough impulse control not to hit me with whatever he threatens me with"...I am a small person and he is becoming bigger and stronger!
We thought of subscribing to armed respons just to have a panick botton?
Any ideas would be welcomed.."...

When my son goes to strike me (or anyone else) I will restrain him. I have grabbed his hair, which only hurts if he moves or resists. I will also hold his arm behind his back. This may sound extreme, but I will not live in fear of my 12 year old 180# child.

The great news for us is since we have reduced his stressors so much, this hasn't happened in over six months. There was a time that it was happening at least once per week.

I'm not particularly small, but he does outweigh me by quite a bit. The thing is when he's melting down, he's out of control, while I can plan how I want to move.

I have told him that at the point where I can't keep us all safe, he won't be able to live here, so he has to be willing to work on it. To a great extent he really tries now. I have seen him want to melt, but hold on. I'm really proud of that progress.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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My son went to an excellent anger management group through the local community health when he was 9 or 10. Somehow being with kids who faced much more difficult circumstances than he did put things into perspective for him, and he realized he could make choices that would make things better for him. I wasn't there, I don't know what they actually did, but he was (for him) quite positive about the experience, and it felt like it was in the nick of time before he got too big and too full of hormones. He was at a good point maturity wise for it, I think.

When he was younger and smaller, we could sometimes put him in our laps facing outwards, holding his arms like in a straight jacket. He had to stay in that hold until he had calmed down; we would repeat that we loved him and were going to sit like this until he had calmed down, but not address anything else he was saying. He hated it; the anger would accelerate and then die, and then we could talk about how he got to that moment. I can't say I am fond of this technique; I never felt good about it; but when you are dealing with dangerous meltdowns I don't think you have many good choices.

The message to give kids, I believe, is that they are responsible for mitigating their anger before it gets to the point of explosion, assuming they have the developmental ability to do so (not all AS kids do). If your son is anything like mine, he doesn't actually like being inside those moments, and that is the factor you use to get him to look at the patterns when he is calm. The deal with my son for years was that if he told me he needed to do something to self-calm, we diverted into that, regardless of where we were supposed to be, what we were supposed to be doing, or anything. If he was late to school, so be it: those steps had to be gone through. Over time they recognize the build up earlier and earlier, so that self-mitigation doesn't always have to be so inconvenient. But at this age ... that is the process I would attempt to use.

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_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Last night when we spoke about prevention....he said he cant because he has Aspergers!! !! OMW!! !! I told him plenty of AS dont get aggressive....its never an excuse for aggression....he said, well sometimes....well yes thats true....but he still needs to work on angermanagement!! !! !! I tried to explain to him that its not just the AS but also some thought that gets stuck in his head that keeps on repeating itself and that he needs to do something else for the thought to get unstuck....but he doesnt fully understand this......

In that last moment he probably can't control it. I know with my son there is a point of no return. What your son needs to try to see is everything before that point. Go through a situational autopsy with him starting well before the outburst. Talk about how his day had been so far, if he was happy, under par for the course stress, annoyed, etc. As you talk about each thing that happened, talk about how it may have added to his general level of agitation, and what he might have done to mitigate that level of agitation. Try to get him to see how it starts long before and doesn't really come out of nowhere.

One thing I've had to offer in exchange for my son is to intervene more with his sister. Tempting as it is to tell them to work it out when there is conflict, or to go about my business and not pay attention to what they are doing, I have to recognize that she does not listen to him. She'll stay in his face until he loses it, and I need to pull her away. It's like a fly to the fire, that girl, and he gets frustrated that he gets blamed when he actually tried multiple times to tell her nicely that he needed space.

Lovelyboy, how old is your son? We struggled with this for years (I'll never forget the time DS shoved me until I was full on my face on the playground in front of all the other kids and moms) some of the methods we tried are controversial here, but the worst thing my son has done lately (he's 11, not sure what will happen when we hit full-on puberty) is throw a pencil or pillow or once the remote control and hit one of us by accident. Two years ago I was really worried for my safety and his.

First, we made a family contract. The first thing on it (and we came to this wording after several drafts) NO ANGRY TOUCHING. Not us, not him, not people - not even things (because things get thrown) unless he is alone in his room.

He made an agreement that he is to go to his room when asked. We also bought a slide-lock for his door, which after we installed, we've only had to use three or four times; we only lock it for 10 minutes or so, until the worst is over. If he doesn't go to his room, we shut ourselves in our own room. Anything broken, he has to replace with his own money. All part of the agreement, written down & signed. We also told him violence was our NUMBER ONE concern; all the other AS stuff/schoolwork, etc was secondary.

We figured out that we needed consequences for violence, keeping in mind that what your son says is right, but as DW says, it's HIS responsibility to stop himself BEFORE it happens. Consequences needed to be short and relatively small, because we found out too much made him give up entirely and too little made him beat up on himself. Our consequences: no TV and no candy for 24 hours, and he doesn't get to touch the person he hurt for 24 hours (no hugs, no cuddles, etc. - but he still got bedtime routine & story and proximity; so not the silent treatment or anything like that.) We also had issues with violent media, and part of the agreement was that if DS could go for 6 months without violence, we would consider allowing more mature media - but he had to show us he was ready WITH HIS BEHAVIOR. (Keep in mind, this actually caused MORE outbursts at the beginning because he was frustrated at what he thought was an impossible task, until he started gaining control.)

After we had this system in place, we started working with him on figuring out the antecedents to his behavior. Took lots of detective work and lots of backtracking from existing meltdowns; most of DS's antecedents had to do with changes in schedule. We did a chart similar to this one: http://behaviorguy.com/Documents/abc_chart.pdf Keep in mind that "consequences" is not a good term - "results" is more accurate: write down everything that happens after an outburst, like "skateboard dinged up," "Mom crying," "Mom in cupboard," and then what happened after he calmed down. You need this to find patterns, yours, his, etc.

After THAT, and this step is really important, we started working with him on figuring out what PHYSICAL warning signs to look for when he was just about to get violent. We realized that he starts to clench his fist and tighten his lips. We explained he needs to go to his room IMMEDIATELY when he feels either of those things happen. We also spend some time warning him to look out when there is an antecedent issue coming up; we tell him he might feel bad or upset and that he needs to be prepared to go to his room.

It took a long time and a lot of work on his part, and a lot of being patient and, admittedly, being scared on our part, but thus far, we've gone over a year with no major incidents.

Take it seriously and get help; what worked for me may not work for you, but please know that getting help can work. Aren't you raising this child on your own? See if your state offers respite care, and take advantage of it on the days when he's most likely to blow up; having someone else there is really important.

IMO, this kind of behavior is more handicapping to a kid than any other. Hugs, to both you and your son.

Thanx for your supportive words!
Momsparky...as my siggie says, I"m married and gfg is 8 yr old.....
The problem is, when I want to talk to him about this....he just say he doesnt want to talk about it!! !!When I try to explain preventionstrategies he says he doesnt want to or when I suggest he maybe go to his room or something....it makes him more anxious! When he gets like this he doesnt want to be alone at all....this makes it VERY difficult for us, because he will sometimes hang onto our legs or arms and dont want us to move away from him.....This said.....this morning he actually said he just wants to be alone for a while....went to his room for 5 minutes before returning.......! !! !!
Yes regarding siblings.....my little one will just not leave his gfg brother alone sometimes!! !! He will keep on kicking or bumping into gfg and just doesnt realize he must stop!! !! !

Silly me to not look at the sig! The good news is, if there's two of you around at least sometimes you can divide and conquer (sadly, none of us can afford 2 SAH parents, which is what some of our kids need!)

8 was a really difficult year for us, too; it's a common time for problems to surface because most kids make a big leap in communication and kids on the spectrum just don't. Has your son's pragmatic speech been tested? Speech therapy turned out to be a big thing for us.

It was also tough because developmentally, DS wasn't ready to take responsibility for his actions - that didn't even begin to happen until the end of his 9th year. Of course all kids are different in that regard, and sowing the seeds for what he's supposed to do started then. We had the same issue with DS not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to admit there was a problem, and we just kept hammering away at it. Having a written agreement that you can point to without speaking does help.

momsparky, I am glad you wrote such an excellent description of the process. Now that I'm more years removed, and too many thousands of posts down the line on this forum, I find I just don't pull that level of detail out of my typing fingers anymore. But, in general, while, we may have done many of the details of the process differently, but it was basically the same process.

I think it is very important to prioritize the violence issue before the kids get too big and too hormonal. The window is only there for another couple of years, so the time is now.

My son used to refuse to talk about things that were overwhelming for him, or downplay them. I think it is defensive. The obstacle of learning to handle the violence may seem insurmountable to a young one. But they need to understand that they can't run away from it, and they will have to do the hard work, because it really is THAT important. And let them know you are with them every step of the way, and you love them unconditionally, just that this issue really is THAT important.

My meltdows are pretty violent. I don't hit people, but I tear things up. I once ripped my bedroom door off it's hinges. Luckily, I don't have those very often. Usually only every few years, but they are the result of things building up. It's almost like I have to do something that violent to show outwardly how so overpoweringly frustrated I am at the time. Words aren't enough for me to express it.

It's not like just "being so mad you just want to hit something". In a case like that you can punch a pillow or something and feel somewhat better. I'm usually not angry as much as I am frustrated. I know it sounds and looks like I'm angry, and it's hard to believe I'm not if you ever see me in one of them, but it's frustration.

I've learned to try and deal with frustration before it builds to that level. Do you think there is some way your child can give you warnings of when things are getting too much, so you can do something to help stave off the meltdown, or at least make it less of one?

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Lovelyboy - What we have found is our DS doesn't have any words to describe the process as momsparky describes. As he's getting older, he's getting better but his bottom line was the discussion afterward was upsetting because he just didn't know why or what bothered him.

So, every person will process differently. I have decided that there will be no more strangers restraining my child. While I need to be ready to do it, no more sending him to school wondering if it's happening. I believe the associated trauma was making things much worse. The lack of meltdowns, have contributed to fewer meltdowns I believe.

I have gotten completely over pushing him to do the normal stuff. It is so not worth it. We will not have meltdowns over tooth brushing or homework. The longer we go without one, the better able he is to brush his teeth. Does that make sense!

If there is Mandt or CPI training for parents in your area, it might be a good idea. Yes, they teach restraint techniques but that's not the point of the training. The important thing is they teach communication and de-escalation. I've worked with some very dangerous developmentally disabled adults and never had to use restraint. It's a funny thing but just knowing I could if I had to helped with my confidence and presence. The one time my daughter was in a hitting meltdown with me I was able to gently and safely restrain her while telling her I would keep her safe, she couldn't hurt me or herself.

Do you have any idea why your son is so anxious? Anxiety is physically and emotionally painful. My daughter has been highly anxious to the point of meltdown at school. For me, it's time to consider meds.

For us, restraint never worked, because neither of us was ever able to do it without getting angry, thus violating the no angry touching rule. We were given advice to restrain by a doctor and it made things considerably worse for us for some time. For this reason, we developed the "go to your room" contract, where if he doesn't comply, we go to our own room.

It takes a lot of trial and error and tweaking to figure out what is right for each particular child.

I have had to physically restrain my daughter. I am hoping she has come to the end of her "most" violent meltdowns. She still occasionally gets mad enough to throw things in the house, but she no longer acts threateningly toward me like she used to. I used physical restraint twice over a year ago...the last time I actually called a friend to come to the house because I felt her behavior had crossed the "safety" threshhold. She was throwing things at me. It's difficult because obviously she is on the spectrum, and once she has an idea about something she's rigid about it....so part of the problem is the rigidity...but of course she can't have everything she wants, and also, I don't feel it's good to let her believe she can speak to me however she wants...even if she is melting down. Because eventually she will be in other close relationships and she should know beforehand that you can't hit other people and you shouldn't swear at them or say nasty things. So I set up limits which I expect her to follow. Most of the time it works. But the last time as I mentioned I called a friend. This is a close family friend who has supported us a LOt and has a good understanding of autism. She came and got my daughter. Now after I called her to come, my daughter said she wouldn't go. But the second the friend came, she got her stuff together and went. It was embarrassing to her to realize that someone else could see what was going on....that she at 13 would throw a big fit and threaten me. That was the last big physical struggle we had. Since then we've had two big fights (that in the past would have turned somewhat violent). Each time she's said, "Don't call Ms. Meg, I'll go for a walk." This is before it errupts into violence. I guess my point is that sometimes you have to take drastic steps. The last thing I'd want to have happen is for my daughter to have to leave our home because she's becoming violent (she's taller than me now)...so for us it worked to have a kind of safety net. She knows what to do now when she's feeling violent. Last time it was dark so I said, "You don't have to go...stay here and be safe. I'll leave for a little while and come back."

On the other hand, after the meltdown...it's almost as if there's a release for her. Like the pressure builds to a point where she has to let it out somewhere. I think now that she's getting older, she's looking at different ways of releasing her tension/stress. She's currently doing a lot of exercise in the house...it seems to help release her stress without the tantrum.