My Admission Essay *please help*

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Hi.. i dunno if anybody here still remembers me, you could check out my old posts.. you could find there that because of this community too, i decided and was very much inspired to really become a psychologist but i have to take it in another country. i wrote my admission essay and would i love to know what u guys here think because i appreciate and what this community would think of it is important for me.. suggestions and advise are very much welcome but please do be gentle a bit cuz i'm a bit sensitive or emotionally invested with what i said there and its my first time to write an admission essay and english is not my first language. i am already very anxious having anybody read it. let me know what you guys think, how to improve it, what to add or remove. i've read and studied samples of admission essays, i was intimidated by them so i decided to write down my heart. so anyway, here it is..

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In my undecided youth with all my many interests, I took the Bachelor of Science in Nursing but progressing through the course I realized I do not find the scope and limitation of its practice to be of my liking. However it is responsible in letting me know what my heart find as its calling, they are psychiatry and psychology along with general and surgical medicine, but due to time and financial constraints, I am deemed unable to take any education in medicine and I early on stopped dreaming further towards such direction. But the matter that even profoundly captivates my heart is that of human psychology.

My objective is to be able to transition from my previous degree into psychology as I dream and envision myself someday becoming a practicing clinical psychologist, taking all the steps I could afford and need. I deeply and sincerely dream to help minds - people’s psychological health which is sorely overlooked by this world of commerce. A healthy mind that makes a happy and well person that could create could afford to share and could make a difference. The mind where what all we have today were conceived. I wish to be able to provide service to those in healthy psychological state and help them go through whatever they may in their lives which could change that, and more importantly, to those in a different psychological even neurological state. My heart desires to help a child with autism be ready and strong enough to face the life ahead of him, repair the heart, mind and self of an aspergian adult which life and time have worn and even broken down. Enabling them to have a positive outlook and self-perception in whatever way I, in my profession, can.

I have been everything one could be during all of my ages and is still willing and wanting to further learn. I have lived with my fellow struggling citizens of a third world country and I’m one of them through difficulties and calamities, and I myself was a victim of child abuse and imperfect existence. I learned to cope, to recover and even transcend, therefore I understand and could help. I have tried being the patient now I want to be the doctor. I have chosen my previous employments to somehow aid me become relevant to the field, providing services beyond the official and usual, giving counseling about others’ professional and personal concerns aside from just of my friends and peers. I am a member of an autism community online providing a friendly ear, comforting words and just even plain company.

This move is far more than just intellectual and financial pursuit; this is my cause. I find no better institution than your own that could help me fulfill my dream to find all consciousness a home within themselves with your world class standards and faculty. It is very admirable and inspiring how you welcome cultural diversity and extending all the opportunities of bettering ourselves through education molding leaders towards an outstanding, more humane and able society. I promise to extend your global public service and cause through your education, and make all the opportunities you would provide me as fruitful as it could be for the benefit of others and for a more beautiful future. It would give me such great honor to be a part of your righteous institution and I would be more than glad, and would make certain, to give it and more back. All I ask is to be given a step closer towards carrying out my cause and realizing one soul’s dream. This is my admission essay and you have just read my heart. Thank you.

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sorry this post is such a read.. and i think im asking for a lot but what do you think? is there anything i said wrong? is there anything you'd like to correct? what do u think of the construction especially the content? should i or can i submit this? i dont even know if i should be doing/posting this.. i dunno.. please help..

Last edited by NcNbl on 22 Jan 2012, 12:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hey. i like your avatar(:

i made a few little edits, but i kind of felt i shouldn't make too many and rearrange stuff too much or it wouldn't sound like you:/. They'll know english isn't your first language and probably expect this to show to a degree. i bolded the stuff that i didn't understand or wasn't sure how to reword, i didn't want to end up losing your original meaning

Hi OneStepBeyond

Thank you.. that's a picture i took of my nephew.. we have the same shirt, so he kinda reminded me of myself when i was depressed, a young boy silently crying..


super thank you! thats so kind and considerate of you..


what i meant about this was that i want to maintain or help maintain anybody's healthy psychological state especially if there is something in their lives that changed, may change or is changing that..


and this i meant, i would be honoured to be a part of their institution so i'll be more than glad and would make certain to give the honour and more back to them being a part of their institution..

thank you for taking the time and effort..

you have an awesome and very cute avatar too..

you take nice photos(:

i don't think it's worded quite right. it makes it sound like you want to help people who don't really need help? maybe something like- 'i wish to be able to help people to maintain a healthy psychological state as they go through events in their lives which may change that'. i tried to keep as close to your original wording as possible. i dunno



maybe i just read it wrong. i do that alot

thank you.. its the rare moments with the right available gadgets..


no, i know i have constructed those statements poorly. for the first one, i do kinda mean that too. i sought help even if i turned out not to need it before, i just liked to just make sure about my mental/psychological health. you know like, if there'll be any improvements, like coaching maybe.. then also help with those that need the help.. so i kinda mean i could or would want to coach too.. the second one, maybe i was kinda being too poetic than clear and straight forward.

Nico, with all my heart, please consider the following edit-

"In my undecided youth with all my many interests, I pursued a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. But progressing through the course, I realized I find the scope and limitation of its practice not to be of my liking. However it is responsible for letting me know what my heart finds as its calling, which would be psychiatry and psychology along with general and surgical medicine, but due to time and financial constraints, I am deemed unable to take any education in medicine, and so early on I stopped working further towards such direction. But the matter that profoundly captivates my heart is that of human psychology.

My objective is to be able to transition from my previous degree into psychology as I dream and envision myself someday becoming a practicing clinical psychologist, taking all the steps I could afford and need. I deeply and sincerely strive to help minds, to aid a community's psychological health which is all too often overlooked in the hubbub of the commercial world. i want to be a part of the professional mental health community with the goal of enabling more healthy minds that in turn would make for a happy and well community that could afford to share and make a difference in this world. The mind [individually as well as the collective community mind] is where the important social work of today and tomorrow needs to happen. I want to provide service to those in a healthy psychological state and help them steer around psychological hazards in their lives which would lower their effective functioning, and more importantly, to help those in a different psychological and/or neurological state to recover their optimal functioning. My heart desires to help a child with autism be ready and strong enough to face life, and to repair the heart and mind of an aspergian adult which life and time have worn and broken down. I want to enable them to have a positive outlook and self-perception in whatever professional way I can accomplish.

In my life I have been everything one could be, and I want to experience and learn yet more. I have lived with my struggling third world fellows, and I share the difficult experiences and calamities with them also. I myself was a victim of child abuse and a less-than-nurturing childhood and adolescence. I learned to cope, to recover and even transcend, therefore I understand and could help others to do likewise. I have tried being the patient, but now I want to be the doctor. I have chosen my previous employments to aid me in becoming relevant to the field of professional psychology/social work, providing services beyond the official and usual, giving counseling about others’ professional and personal concerns aside from just of my friends and peers. I am a member of an autism community online providing a friendly ear, comforting words and just plain good company.

This move is far more than just an intellectual and financial pursuit; this is my cause. I find no better institution than your own that could help me fulfill my dream to find all minds a proper home within themselves, aided by your world class standards and faculty. It is admirable and inspiring to me that you welcome cultural diversity and that you extend opportunities of self-improvement through education, molding future leaders towards a more humane and healthy society. I will work to extend the cause of your global public service through your education, and make all the opportunities you would provide me as fruitful as possible for the benefit of others and to assist in making this world a better one. It would be an honor to be a part of your institution and I would make certain, to pay it back as well as pay it forward. All I ask is to be given a chance to carry out my cause and to realize my dream. In this, my admission essay, you have just read my heart. Thank you."

your basic essay is fine, i just made some minor changes to enhance clarity and streamline thoughts.

awww.. bimbim, thank you! you should know that you turn out to know me so well now.. *happy!!* you were even dead on specific and clear about me and how i speak! discuss the essay with u further on PM.. thank you.. i like the alterations made by OneStepBeyond earlier too.. i will put them all together into my style and such..

i do hope its just fine, not like im just a hopeless dreaming fool.. i know im good at what i do and that i am relatively intelligent but the new country is of different standards, approach and preferrence, im scared that i'm not good enough..