Struggling with the necessity of networking

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First, I like working and most people would describe me as a hard worker or even workaholic. I do not mind working up to 20 hours a day and I rarely take a day off. I also like intellectual challenges and I used to be the best or at least one of the best during my training like I have been while studying for my first degree. (I study for a postgraduate degree at night right now)

Still, I do not thrive at my job. When we were allocated to a specific job position after we finished our training, I discovered that being good at something was completely irrelevant. Those with the most extensive social network and the best social skills got the best jobs. Despite having been the best, I got the worst job - one that is more than just boring and nobody expects any intellectual work or any enthusiasm on my part. This makes me sick. I went into a real bad depression and it almost made me suicidal. There was no chance of getting away and I had to deal with the fact that those who never worked hard and just spend their time chatting with colleagues are my superiors now.

We will be assigned to new jobs this spring and this time, I will get an even worse job, because I got the worst evaluation. My boss told me there is not anything I could do to improve. The bad evaluation just reflects the absence of challenges in my job. I could do so much more, but I am not expected to. This is so mean.

Please, can anyone explain to me why companies do not care at all about getting people who are good at what they do? It would be in their best interest. Instead of doing what would be rational, they put so much emphasis on social skills... My company wants me to spend more time doing nothing productive, but chatting and wasting time. I don't get it and I cannot do it. I hate small talk. I just want to sit in an office, working on some challenging problems and producing the best possible results. I cannot see why such things as small talk are so important. My partner (who was a colleage) left me, because he supposed being with me would hurt his career.

Is anyone else struggling with these kind of problems?

Thanks for listening!

little black sheep

Yes I struggle with this, and having social anxiety does not help. Then of course I get anxious about not socializing.

The best I can do is find coworkers who are more like me in that they are a little quieter and quirkier and try to be social with them *when I have the energy*. As it takes a lot of energy for me to do this. I also develop some scripts that are related to work or subjects tangential to work (for example, I work at a company that does language translations so I talk about travel). If you can contribute just a little bit, your will be more accepted in the eyes of these people.

Unfortunately this is the way of the world, the majority of humans are social creatures. It's BS that you're not judged on your work abilities and performance, but rather a subjective evaluation of your social skills. (It's not you, it's them: NTs have to socialize with people to size them up and see what they're all about, or else they feel threatened and anxious). But I think the sooner you accept it and understand it the less stress it will cause to you. At least it has for me.

i have a colleague who has joined recently she keeps on talking talking talking with my supervisor both have become thick friends whereas i keep mum all the time.
This new colleague as got the remote control of supervisor with her she doesnt do any paper work and gets away with it, infact when the children were asking for library books she said in front of supervisor that she is feeling bored today and will give it tomorrow.
I mean i am working so hard, putting in lot of effort and like a dumb keeping doing everything neatly where do i stand

i think it happens with lot of us here..........we need to accept it

Count me in, too.

Yesterday, after working at this new job part-time since October, I was finally able to have a very short, semi-civil conversation with the boss.

At least once a week since October, I've been told that if I can't do my job, or make any mistakes, I'll have to move on. WTF?

Yesterday, I told the boss that I have six years experience doing the job that the girl I replaced is doing. He told me, "You weren't hired for that." - Actually, I WAS hired for that. Those were the requirement on the job description, what was on my resume, and what was discussed at the job interview.
I replied to him that I don't have any experience doing what I'm doing now and that it will take a while for me to learn it. I also told him that it is obvious to me (by the weekly threats) that he has little faith in my abilities. He said, "That remains to be seen." I said, "That does nothing for my confidence level."
he got a phone call and that was the end of that.

How this relates to the OP is this:
The other girl that I replaced hates her new position and wants my job. She is a major suck-up to the boss and they feed off each other with their neurosis - her a whipping girl and him a domineering bully.

I see no way of winning in this situation.
"Accepting it" means suffering in silence, something I have been doing and it is making me physically, mentally, and emotionally ill. Last night, I went to bed crying, had nightmarres, and woke up crying. This sucks and I can't immediately put an end to it.
I live alone, am in debt up to my eyeballs, and I have to keep this job until a better one comes along.

I think the advice offered me here in another thread was good advice: Find another job.

So, that is my advice to you, Little Black Sheep, Find another job.
Good luck to both of us.

Hi everyone!

Thank you for the kind replies! I just got myself a great book. It is called Asperger's on the Job and I find it quite helpful. Though I still do not see why I should do stupid things like pretending to be less effective than I am just so that my colleagues do not get jealous, it is interesting to see how others might perceive my behaviour. Does not help changing my habits... just last Friday I ruined my chances to get a better position, because I could not stop myself criticizing my superiors... I was right, but that does not change the fact that they did not like me pointing out something they plan to do is illogical.

Getting a new job is not an option. I like the work and I am pretty sure I would struggle with the same issues in every company. I guess I will try to consider some of the advise the book gives - even if I do not get why I should do that.

Little black sheep

A "self-help" book - what a great idea. Why didn't I think of that?

This may help me cope with the present job while looking for another one less... suffocating/toxic.

Now I just need to decide which one to get...

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety: A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin

or

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome - Tony Attwood

Maybe both?

Thanks for the idea!

I can relate to your post. I have been in my current position for just over 4 years and work in a job where social skills win over intelligence and hard work. I work in a department with a bunch of chatty girls and have been demoted in my job. My job which is a Data Entry Operator no longer exists and I have been assigned menial jobs whilst the other girls I work with are trained and given opportunity and promotion over me. This has left me feeling very down and depressed.
I am very bored in my job and get tired of "office politics" which goes on in my workplace. I don't play that game or understand the rules and because I am not a "team player" I am picked on, bullied and ignored. I don't get small talk but do try to talk a bit even though I do get on reasonably fine with most people at my workplace.
When I have asked for more opportunity my boss has not listened to me and basically refused to offer me any extra work so therefore I am left behind. He will always come up with excuses even though I know the management just want me out. I have had a number of problems over the years.
I am currently looking for another job no matter what I do or say I can never be accepted like the others in this job. Like the OP I just want to do my job and get on with things but the only solution would be to move on and find another job.

I guess sometimes a different job is the only option to get promoted. Are there specific jobs that do not require that much social skills?

Aren't most jobs after you are promoted require more social skills?

Unfortunately, this world belongs to them. I hate, hate, HATE the fact that "socialites" get everything based on their social abilities while the people with genuine work abilities get the low-end jobs.

Are employers REALLY that stupid?? They promote incompetent people into jobs they can't do so the work doesn't get done... and the ones who can do it are ignored and given demeaning tasks until they are fired or quit in frustration. Bizarre!!

It's often all about doing the least amount of work possible, and using "verbal finesse" to make it sound like you're the best thing since sliced bread! I've seen it several times, where coworkers will spend a solid 4-6 hours every day doing absolutely nothing but talking to other people about things completely unrelated to the job, and then in meetings they will say something like "I've been extremely busy over the past week working on solving _______ problem. I consulted with top experts around the country who assure me that this solution is the best available". And that's all the higher-ups see or hear, so they say "Wow! This guy is amazing, and such a hard worker! Why can't more people take that kind of initiative?"

I see that a lot of people here slam socialites. At my job, there are socialites, but they too work hard.

I have had to learn how to do the eye contact thing, though it is not natural to me. And the voice modulation. I have had to move jobs several times too. Every time I move, I pick up something new. What has helped me stay on in my current job is the fact that I have sought out social instruction from family, friends, colleagues and professionally.

If you are depressed, then really, truly, do your whole self a favour and move on. I had to do this myself this past year. It was hard. Very hard. Remember to keep copies of some of your work too.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

I just realized I came across a little strongly in my last post, and would like to apologize if there were any misinterpretations.

With that in mind, here are two things I try hard to do.

These two pieces of advice were given to me by my aunt, who is the principal of a large school and has had to deal with many staff issues over the years.

1) People are going to tell you things that you are not going to want to hear. And it is in your best interests to listen, to think about their feedback, and to act accordingly.

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I feel that this involves not only "playing the game" but trying to see things from their point of view.

2) First impressions count. How you react to news counts.

If necessary, take a day before you have to tell someone how something made you feel, so that you can make the other person feel like you are listening to their point of view too.

Anyway, I know that this helped out in a situation where I thought I was being really helpful, but others thought I was OCD. My manager told me the news. A half hour later, I went into her office, thanked her, told her how hard it must have been for her to give me bad news, let her know that I had thought it over and that there were certain things she mentioned that I would put into action ASAP.

I feel lucky that my socialites care about me, and include me in all the group outings. I know that I am odd, and that my contributions are sometimes strange, but I know they like me too! I hope!