Advice? Friend likes me, I don't return those feelings.

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Hi.

I have a good friend who has always helped me out and understands lots of things that others don't, basically because she is sympathetic to the things I've gone through and the neurological stuff. She has similar symptoms and experiences. She is a good friend whom I couldn't have done without.

She has had feelings for me of a romantic nature for over a year. Recently, I plucked up the courage to ask a mutual friend of ours to confirm this to me and she has. So I know my good friend definately fancies me.

I don't return the feelings at all, and it is making me feel really uncomfortable now. I did reduce my contact with her last year for wuite a few months when I realised she liked me. Knowing her she usually likes someone for at least a year and then she gets over it. When i got back in touch it wasn't long before I noticed she still had the same feelings. It's about 18 months now she has liked me. She has never told me her feelings, never been innappropriate, so the discomfort is my issue. But as I say, I am really uncomfortable. I have started to not want to give and recieve friend hugs whereas before I was uncomfortable but it was OK.

How do I emotionally cope with this?
Soundofrain

How old are you just out of interest?

I'm just wondering because she hasn't been open about her feelings then I don't see how you can make the conclusion that she fancies you when you've got nothing to support that idea other then the word of a mutual friend. Without trying to sound harsh, I think you need a little more to go on before getting in such a twist about this.

The only way you are going to get sorted is if you talk to her directly and ask her honestly how she feels. Don't just cease contact with her, that isn't fair at all, especially considering that she's done nothing wrong.

I had the same thing only backward-I had feelings for another aspie and being an aspie myself they seem to have no feelings in the same way for me-it hurt when after a year of believing this person had a problem with age difference goes out with a person 3 years younger and after one date jumps in the sack with that person-it hiurts I will tell you

I wasn't considering ceasing contact with her at all, where does it say that in my post? I said she was a good friend. And I am 34 and she is 10 years older than me, and I have obviously not made a rash decision about this as it has been apparent for over 18 months.

What i want to know is how do I emotionally cope with this?

Talking about it would not help as she is clearly not going to reveal her feelings to me in words and I would never bring it up as I would suck at that conversation and I think it is unnessary as it would embarrass her. She is a good friend and I know this.

I am still trying to cope with the hurt and feelings from my very recent experience-I wish I was able to help and tell you how to cope with it but I am lost-in my case it didn't mean anything to the other person because of the impaired theory of mind since that person didn't have feelings for me I shouldn't have feelings for them-NT's people seem to be able to flit from one person to another sometimes with great ease somehow and not let a difficult relationship bother them or affect them in many ways

I feel like reassuring you that I don't ever want to treat her with disrespect.

I have empathy for anyone who has a crush on someone who doesn't return their feelings as I myself have had unrequited crushes. In those cases no1 crush encouraged me because he liked the attention and no2 cut me off. Those are the only two examples of "what to do" that I know of. Neither of those suit me or our situation. She hasn't dona anything wrong and has never treated me with anything other than the utmost respect. So naturally I want to deal with this situation as best as I can. Step One - work on my uncomfortable feelings. ie. the question - how do I cope? How could I see this, how could I behave? I don't like hugs anymore so how am I going to explain that whilst respecting us both, etc, etc.

Soundofrain

It doesn't say anywhere you were considering ceasing contact with her. I was just saying it wouldn't be fair for you to do that (some people would actually stoop that low and no I don't mean you before you get over-defensive again)



Ok now you're just complaining about the problem without wanting to do anything about it, you won't be able to cope emotionally without taking some sort of action, the two go hand in hand on this occasion. If you start acting differently towards her without offering any sort of explanation, then she'll pick up on it straight away.

What do you suggest I say to her?

BTW I just reread your posts and I realise that you were "just saying" which I have just realised isn't you making assumptions at all. Sorry. I only just saw that.

Just something along the lines of 'look this isn't easy for me to ask you this, but I need to know the truth here, do you have any feelings for me that go beyond our friendship' or something similar to that but make some small talk first before asking her straight away. Also it's better if you ask her this in person, doing so over the phone or internet makes it easier for her to deny that she has feelings for you if that so happens to be the case.

I know it's not easy and can understand you being nervous about this but sometimes being upfront and borderline confrontational is the only way to get the truth out.

And apology accepted.

Thanks, times two.

Ok. I could start this conversation but seriously I really have no idea what to do say or how to act after that first enquiry.. I need to be walked through this. I also believe that she could react to it in a variety of different ways so I need to be prepared for those too.

And her liking you in a romantic way does change the texture of the relationship.

It would be like one person being a devout, practicing Christian of the witnessing sort. Even if they're not directly preaching, they're still hoping upon hope that the other person comes around.

I think the above poster has a pretty good idea about being direct, still decent and polite.

Maybe something like this:

'Okay, I need to talk honestly. I think you like me romantically, and I don't reciprocate. And I'm sorry, but you need to understand that.'

Two or three exchanges.

'You have always been polite with the hugs. It has been nothing inappropriate. But, I no longer feel comfortable with hugs.'

Brief is good. It's likely to be a difficult conversation for her. Three minutes is probably plenty long enough. Then give her space for she'll probably need alone time.

OR

put some of this in a polite, well-written, hand-written letter (no longer than one page)

And please listen to your gut instincts regarding which feels more promising.

Yes, it does change the texture of the relationship it's true.

I understand what you mean. it's like she has hope I might like her too one day.

I must say that some bad head f**k people in her past made her believe that she was a bad person for her feelings. So I reakon there is some PTSD there and this makes me additionally nervous to talk to her about it incase she gets upset.

I know that's not my fault but as her friend I want to factor this in by being as sensitive, honest and kind as possible.

I jut read your above reply. Not sure either of them are quite right but they are good ones to build on. Thanks.

What do you think DJ?