Question for the aspergers guys who desperately want a GF

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I don't think going into a relationship would completely 'cure' me of my sense of inferiority; I don't take compliments well at the best of times, so how would a romantic relationship be any different there? I couldn't go into it for purely selfish reasons, partly because I'd feel guilty about it but also because I know it wouldn't be healthy for either of us in the long run.

I already know I'm not worthless. It took a lot of soul-searching to make myself realise that and I still have long lapses where I feel downright awful. I'm on good terms with my family though and have a small number of good friends, so I can't be that much of a social failure! I try to remember that I'm still a human being and I mean well. Worst-case scenario is that my honesty and kindness are all I have to offer, but that's still better than nothing and must be of use to someone, somewhere.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I couldn't be comfortable unless she and I looked upon each other as equals. I'm not about to leave myself open to exploitation, but I genuinely want to make someone happy. If she feels that her life is better because I'm there, I'd feel that I've achieved something. Despite all the rejections and "you're not my type" conversations, I can't say "I'm incapable of sustaining a meaningful and stable romantic relationship" until I try it.

Convincing a potential girlfriend that I'm worth the chance is a different matter altogether, of course.

I play video games all the time. i do it because i feel like i don't belong on earth. sometimes i wish i could go somewhere where i could start anew. Video games are an escape for me. books used to be as well, but that got lost over the years when my teachers told to read a book when i was misbehaving. Sometimes i feel like i want to live in a cartoon, such as (please try not to laugh) My little pony: Friendship is magic(i know it was aimed at little girls, but i have heard of forty-year-old men who watch that show obsessively. i am not obsessive over this show, and i am almost 16). i recently realized that i feel that way because i think that i will never know what it is like to love, to kiss, or to create a family. i have had two crushes in my life, one when i was in first grade (she was as well) and another in sixth and seventh grade. the first of them was sweet, but i was not the nicest kid back then. my second crush was a big tease. she would hug me, then hug a good friend of mine a few minutes later.eventually she stopped hugging me after i gave up. i realize now that she was (maybe) playing hard to get, mainly because she tried cheering me up once i became depressed again. Maybe she was just a friend, and wanted to stay that way, i don't know. I am currently homeschooled, and i don't know that many girls around my age anymore. I know that i might meet a girl eventually, but i feel like i won't find that special someone. I am overweight, i am a big nerd, and i don't have many friends. One habit i developed over the years is to practice false conformity, where i humor my friends and tell them i agree with them, even if i really don't. Some things, such as not liking certain manga or anime, i tell them the way i really feel. Some things that are normally shunned by that freind, such as my little pony: friendship is magic, i say i don't like them, all because my friend doesn't.

i'm sorry i drifted off topic, i just wanted to get that off my chest.

Sometimes the best things happen to people who wait AND think. It took me a year to realize that I probably had been better off dating my ex-girlfriend's old roommate than my ex. Being single is for me something I've gotten used to. In the words of Roald Dahl:

I suspect, and this is not directed at anyone in particular, that a lot of guys who think they want a relationship for the right reasons are in denial. When I was younger I would have sworn up and down, and probably believed myself, that the reason I wanted a girlfriend was for companionship and that the reason I was depressed at not having one was simple loneliness.

In reality, the depression came from low self esteem which came from basing my sense of self-worth on the opinions of others. I ended up doing a lot of stuff I regret, putting myself in very negative situations, degrading myself, so I could feel that "at least I'm good enough for someone."

From things I've seen over and over again posted here, I think there are a lot of guys perfectly willing to do the same. I know how hard it is to find an internal source of self-esteem when it seems that the whole world is telling you that you are not good enough, but the first step toward a healthy relationship is to realize that you are worthy of one.

I don't want one desperately enough to try for it. As far as the way I look, etc, girls have hit on me before, said they liked me, etc, usually I didn't like them back, but sometimes they were attractive. But, as far as I've been told, I'm good looking, even so far as being called "super hot" by a drunk lady in her late 20s, who just said I was too shy. Meh.

My problem in most of my friendships, just platonic friendships with people, isn't making my friends. I can get my foot in the door, just what happens after is the issue. So I can very easily "make friends" but then people realize I'm actually super weird. I can hide it enough to not look like it in public, but then in private, it's too hard to hide.

But yeah, what holds me back from girls isn't them, it's me, and my own view of myself. I view myself as damaged goods, and this isn't really due to my NVLD/Aspergers, but just generally the course my life has taken. So, I figure concentrating on fixing up stuff that I can, and if a romantic relationship or whatever happens, then it does. But, it's not something I really put much effort into anymore.

The other thing, too, as far as a girl, if I wanted to, I could probably just have sex with lots of random girls, I mean it doesn't seem terribly hard, and people much dumber and less attractive than me manage to do it on a regular basis. But, promiscuous animalistic sex isn't what I want. I'd like a girl that appreciates me, the entirety of me, and unfortunately, I feel that'd be hard to come by, as people in general seem to not appreciate it, so with women, it's narrowed down even more. People sometimes appreciate me for what I can do, what I can do for them, etc, but rarely do I feel they actually genuinely like or love me, they just see me as a weird, but sorta useful person.

Meh, time to play with cars. Whatever.

What I am basically saying is that I don't want anyone being with me simply because I was the first guy who showed them any sort of attention.

I want a relationship! They are great. Good for many things.

I need someone to eat my wee wee.

A long time ago I wanted a plaything I could dominate. Then I got my Asperger's diagnosis and I understood why I have never had any need for friends. To me it's all about the sex, not the love.