Does your naivety lead to abusive relationships?

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I was wondering how many of you relate to being entirely naive with people skills to the point where you find yourself in friendships and relationships where you are taken advantage of or abused.
How do you learn who is healthy and who is going to screw you ahead of time?

Yup, this is me. But with the last one, I finally learned what to look for. It only took me 'til I was 40!

Additionally, learning about the theory of mind issues in ASD really helped me put things into perspective.

I am very naive when it comes to other people. I, like you, am trying to learn.
I definitely know some things to look for, but I still end up getting taken advantage of.

I can relate to your question very much because I have spent the last ten years in three long term relationships that initially to me seemed very different but ended up being just different varieties of unhealthy and emotionally/verbally abusive.

It really has gotten to the point where I don't trust my own ability to judge someone's character and rely rather heavily on the opinion of my closest friends or family to see if they think someone is really acting out of good intentions. But I am also trying to learn to be a better judge of character without being overly suspicious of other people.

I also had a girl friend who turned out to be basically this sort of using person, and it was very hard on me to trust anyone to be a friend after that because I had thought we got along and shared things and it was very safe but she was quite mean when she decided to be.

What I am learning about in therapy is how to have healthy relationships and it seems like it depends on keeping balance between yourself and your own interests and needs and the other person. And listening to your own feelings and opinions and if they tell you your opinions are wrong or that you need to be treated like a child, they are trying to control you and make you doubt yourself so that they can continue to make all the decisions etc.

A book I really like on the subject is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, I relate to many of the daily readings because it is about having healthy boundaries with other people and discovering how to take care of yourself so that others won't drain you.

Emphatically yes! I have learned it's best I don't have relationships with people.

I've had some unhealthly friendships before, many of the reasons being sexual harassment based.

The baseline is that abusive relationships are relatively common. Sadly. I wish it was different.

If someone disrespects you in small things, they'll probably disrespect you in big things. Maybe one thing is to be prepared to fight over a small thing. To bring it up the next day or the day after that if needed and see if the person "gets it" and makes a genuine apology, even if brief.

One older lady I know advocated the "theory of 12." 12 dates, meet 12 of his friends or co-workers, 12 burps (or farts), 12 social blunders, really get to know the person and see if you're compatible. And the 12 friends or co-workers are to see if they treat you like someone special or if he's always meeting new people. I don't know if this is entirely realistic, but I liked the expressive way she described it.

And also, as someone on the spectrum, make sure to continue to take your own personal time so that you can emotionally process and "feel" your way to a series of medium good decisions (rather than a smaller number of quote 'perfect' decisions, which of course no such animal!)

(I am a guy, and saw this on the main board. I hope it's okay for me to participate.)

from the outside looking in at me this is a large part of my life up to 8 years ago. At that point it occurred to me that it was time to stop being in relationships. So now I have peace and am safe, listen to beautiful music, look at flowers and plants, pets and cook the food I want, etc. Lonely? yeah, but it's better than being dead.

I haven't had enough human relationships to judge.

My family has emotionally hurt me but has never abused me.
I have been taken advantage of throughout my entire childhood so I can relate a little bit to the OP.

it may lead me easily, if I don't care, or I have no one to take care for me, .. life's a jungle out there, i feel sometimes for us ..

I'm getting to the point of having healthier relationships, but it has taken me so so long just to get this far. I was so oblivious when I was younger, that it wasn't til my early twenties that I looked at the people around me and realized how morally bankrupt they were.
I have a good marriage now, with a guy I respect. I am still learning how to reach out to the right kind of people, but I don't want to throw in the towel. Given my social deficits, it's a definite hurdle though.

I did marry someone who was emotionally and financially abusive, but I somehow managed to get out of that situation and got therapy. In fact, I didn't date anyone until at least a year after my divorce was finalized, and eventually I ended up with my future spouse who I think has Aspie traits, and he treats me better than any of my exes did. We're planning to get married at some point, but we're waiting until both of us have better jobs before even thinking about setting a date. Both of us were hit by the recession, but at least he managed to keep his job even if his hours were cut, and I was laid off. It took me over a year to find another job, and that was only because I was desperate enough to work that I got a fast food job since it was better than being unemployed.

I've been on an extended sabbatical from relationships. Somehow I was always in danger of losing my integrity or self worth, even though I never saw myself as being a total pushover. What would wear me down were the verbal "dings," i.e. criticisms I'd eventually attract. Like, at age 17 - "You'd be a knockout if you lost five pounds." Meanwhile, I was fit and trim. Or, at 36, "Why don't you go back and finish your master's degree?" implied that my education level wasn't good enough for him, even though I'd expressed that I had no interest in returning to higher education and no regrets for dropping out. I could tell he didn't respect the "glamor" industry I worked in at the time. These might seem like benign comments to some, but they raised red flags to me. They might even seem like supportive or encouraging comments, but they weren't. They were all expressions of dissatisfaction and you just knew there was going to be more.

I may be naive but it's the naivety of others that tends to surprise me. If people think they can abuse me they've got another thing coming! Sooner or later I'm definitely going to get them and than it's payback time! Cops and the law can serve as very usefull toos to reach that goal and I can be very patient when I set my mind to it.

Woman shouldn't accept abuse in any shape or form.

Not really. OK I admit I was very naive, but I was also very confident and assertive. I think guys called that b***hy. So that kind of attitude only seem to attract nice guys, and they don't tend to be abusive. I think it's more about personality than aspie-ness. My mom is my opposite and as NT as a person can be, she also has this "I'm always right and you should do as I say" attitude. It seems she only attract nice guys as well.