In what way does Asperger's Syndrome impact dating?

Page 1 of 5 [ 66 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Transhuman
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 136

31 Jan 2012, 3:36 pm

I've read somewhere that most young men with Asperger's never dated, and that the marriage rates in those with Asperger's Syndrome are very low compared to the general population. In what way, and how, do you think Asperger's impacts romantic (and/or sexual) relationships? Or do many Aspies also don't desire romantic (and/or sexual) relationships as much as the general population?



Frakkin
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

31 Jan 2012, 4:15 pm

I think it's a combination of aspies being more finicky in relationships compared to NTs, and possibly a lower desire for romantic relationships. I'm betting the divorce rate for aspie couples would be lower than NT + aspie couples. Of course, aspies are usually more socially awkward than NTs, so it's harder to start a relationship in the first place.

Personally, I have little to no interest in sexual relationships, and I have a lower desire for a romantic relationship than the average female. But I have dated. I'm so sure one of my previous boyfriends had aspergers, and I know I was his first, and so far, only relationship he's ever had. I don't think he'd be compatible with normal girls.



mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

31 Jan 2012, 4:16 pm

Transhuman, you might want to take a look at the "Love & Dating" subforum. It's chock full!



dr01dguy
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 295

31 Jan 2012, 4:18 pm

Ok, let's start with the easy part... is there any Aspie who genuinely "gets" the point of romance in the traditional sense, let alone views it as anything besides an abstract, weird concept?

Romance is about subtlety, innuendo, and thoughtful surprises.

* We're about as subtle as a chainsaw.

* We're oblivious to innuendo.

* We have disastrous executive dysfunction, and can barely remember to call/text somebody we're hanging out with *tonight*, let alone remembering some anniversary or buying a gift for it.

* We hate surprises.


Then, there's the matter of socializing. Does any Aspie *truly* want to interact one-on-one, in person, for hours and hours every single day? It's one thing to have people "around". It's another matter entirely to get forced into hours of direct, if not *intimate*, interaction every day.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 170 of 200 · Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 34 of 200 · You are very likely an Aspie [ AQ=41, EQ=11, SQ=45, SQ-R=77; FQ=38 ]


TallyMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 40,061

31 Jan 2012, 4:18 pm

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to L&D)


_________________
I've left WP indefinitely.


MrMagpie
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 106
Location: Findlay, Ohio

31 Jan 2012, 4:23 pm

I have had multiple conversations with NT friends, one of whom is happily married, on this subject, and to my mind the most apt comparison is that trying to describe what romantic love is like to me is like trying to describe an elephant to a blind man. I can logically grasp various parts of what 'goes into' romantic love, but when it comes to the big picture it's obvious that my friends and I aren't seeing the same thing.



RobotGreenAlien2
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 291

31 Jan 2012, 6:47 pm

dr01dguy wrote:
Ok, let's start with the easy part... is there any Aspie who genuinely "gets" the point of romance in the traditional sense, let alone views it as anything besides an abstract, weird concept?

Romance is about subtlety, innuendo, and thoughtful surprises.

* We're about as subtle as a chainsaw.

* We're oblivious to innuendo.

* We have disastrous executive dysfunction, and can barely remember to call/text somebody we're hanging out with *tonight*, let alone remembering some anniversary or buying a gift for it.

* We hate surprises.
.


I do. But in my own way and sometimes as a way around my aspieness. like leaving like notes with chocalte saying things i couln't verbalise.



DamienScott
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Apr 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 74

31 Jan 2012, 7:12 pm

Personally I love romantic relationships. I have learned subtlety and innuendo through experience although I have a bit of a problem with thoughtful surprises. My AS is an issue when it comes to voicing my feelings and emotions when it might upset my partner. I prefer to hold it in to save them the trouble, which in turn causes more trouble >.<. I have also been told that I don't show as much day-to-day affection as my partner might want. When I am having an arguement with my partner I tend to want to go and be off by myself for a while to calm down so that I don't get overly angry and this can be a problem for some NTs.

As far as sexual relationships go, I personally love sex. I love being intimate with someone I care about and doing whatever I can for them. I can't do the whole casual sex thing though. I kind of shut down and don't feel anything. Someone mentioned this in a recent thread I read and called it "Demisexual" I believe.

I guess my relationship tastes don't coincide with most fellow Aspies, but to each his or her own.


_________________
My Aspie score: 117 of 200
My neurotypical score: 110 of 200
Too weird to be normal, too normal to be weird?

How do you save the world when the world doesn't want to be saved?


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 25,352
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

31 Jan 2012, 7:32 pm

Aspies are more socially awkward. have a hard time understanding body language. are more introverted. like routines, predictability & consistency so NTs may think they are not fun. Aspies have a hard time expressing emotions in the way NTs are used to reading them; NTs misinterpret the Aspies tone of voice & facial expressions & Aspies can be oblivious to those signs in the NT. Aspies may have a hard time being affectionate due to sensory issues or not being aware of when it's appropriate. Aspies are more practical & may not like or get the point in romantic stuff. are very direct & straightforward which gets misinterpreted as being rude or disinterested & Aspies want or expect NTs the be the same way; Aspies lack the subtly. Aspies may have special interest that some NTs may have a problem with. Aspies have a harder time finding employment which could make them less appealing in the dating scene & not working can make it harder to meet people. Aspies tend to want more alone time in a romantic relationship & can get overwhelmed & shutdown & become withdrawn. Aspies may have meltdowns or weird habits that NTs have a problem with


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


Zinnel
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 2 Sep 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 405
Location: Missouri, USA

31 Jan 2012, 10:54 pm

dr01dguy wrote:
Romance is about subtlety, innuendo, and thoughtful surprises.

* We're about as subtle as a chainsaw.
.


:lmao: so true!! !

the broad impact i can think of, something that affects everyone with asperger when it comes to dating

is awkwardness it seems to be the most common shared issue among aspies, we ether feel awkward or make others feel awkward

so reducing the amount of awkwardness u create in both urself and others seems to help alot in the dating seen


_________________
keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out


Last edited by Zinnel on 31 Jan 2012, 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 33,404
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

31 Jan 2012, 11:10 pm

Over thinking things..........grrrr.


_________________
We won't go back.


minervx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Apr 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,155
Location: United States

31 Jan 2012, 11:17 pm

Its not that Aspies don't want to date or that they don't desire romance. They do. Sure, some don't, but not any more or less than neurotypicals.

It's that Aspies, in many ways are not as socially skilled as they would like to be in order to date.

In many cases, Aspies are 5 years behind nuerotypicals, dating is one of them.

I didn't acquire the social skills that could have served me well in high school until my 1st year of college.

the past two years have been helpful, and i feel that i'm only 2 years behind and not 5, so the learning curve is accumulative.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 43,770
Location: Abbottistan

31 Jan 2012, 11:51 pm

1. Some have issues with empathy.

2. Some need to have a lot of time to themselves.

3. Some are asexual, and a few don't even want a partner within a certain length of them.



CrinklyCrustacean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2009
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284

01 Feb 2012, 5:44 am

dr01dguy wrote:
* We're about as subtle as a chainsaw.

Haha, this made me giggle! :lol: Ironically, though, sometimes we need the NT to be a subtle as a chainsaw before we're even aware that something other than friendship may be desired. Then there's the problem that certain things which may be expected may not be forthcoming because the idea simply doesn't occur to the aspie. I like Gavin Bollard's examples in his blog, "life with asperger's":

Gavin Bolard wrote:
As a "first girlfriend", my now wife never expressed any interest in flowers. I knew the names of many flowering trees and she did not. She never took my mother up on her invitations for a walk around the garden or a visit to local nurseries. Most importantly however, she never actually asked me to bring her flowers. It was therefore quite a shock to me to find out (after we broke up as teenage lovers) that I didn't "appreciate" her because, among other things, I didn't bring her flowers.

Gavin Bollard wrote:
I never took any notice of my girlfriends clothes, makeup, perfume or hair. I just wanted HER [...]
Sure, she was gorgeous but the clothes hardly mattered. To me, she was (and is) always beautiful. Such trimmings as makeup and jewellery were akin to sprinkling gold dust on a rose. Maybe they made it glitter but they were unnecessary - they couldn't possibly add beauty in my eyes.

I've seen several posts in the parents' discussion forums where the mother has wondered why their aspie child has only told her once that (s)he loves her. On requesting an explanation, the child has said that (s)he's already told her once, so why should (s)he repeat what she already knows? It's a straightforward example of logical thinking instead of emotional thinking, and this can be a frustrating and upsetting experience for many NTs.

I should probably clarify that aspies are NOT emotionless creatures. We can feel everything that an NT can feel. The problem is in expressing how we feel, knowing how to react to other people's feelings, and understanding where other people's boundaries lie. For example, even with my female friends I will not touch a woman uninvited. In fact, I rarely touch a man univited, and I'm a man. This isn't just a safeguard against accusations of assault, I actually find it hard to guess when certain things may be appropriate. If I think a hug may be appropriate, I will ask, or stick my arms out to indicate that I'd like to give one. It can be quite uncomfortable for me to give one when I don't feel like it just because it is expected of me, because it feels insincere.

Then there is the problem of an aspie's tendency, no matter how much behavioural and social therapy they may have had, to be unexpecedly and brutally honest, or to ask the kind of question which means well and sounds logical to the aspie, but which can make the NT feel like they've been hit in the face by a bag of bricks. A colleague at work was saying how she was going to be moving from her house into a small flat while she changed jobs. She seemed reluctant to say exactly how small, so after some thought and making sure I wouldn't be saying something unwise, I asked a more indirect question: "Is it closer to a cardboard box than your current place?" What I didn't realise was that the question implied her current house was tiny. It was not a flattering implication. What was worse was that only three days previously I had visited her current house for a meal. It will be a while before I forget the shocked, stunned, and offended look on her face. I think she knew that I hadn't meant what I impllied, but it was hard for her not to feel hurt. I tried to explain what I had meant in less offensive terms, and she accepted my apology.

In conclusion, then, the problems for the aspie (or at least this one) can be summed up in three factors:

1) Difficulty in recognising the NT's signals of romantic interest.
2) Once he has a girlfriend, understanding what to do next and what he is expected to do.
3) Being prone to unwittingly saying or doing the wrong thing, despite the best of intentions.



Matt62
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2012
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,230

01 Feb 2012, 1:59 pm

Let me say this:

In what ways DOESN'T Asperger's effect dating?

IME, I'm Shy. I have trouble with body languages. I have approach/avoidance issues when close to someone female. I over-react or under-react to everything. My emotions spiral out of my control. Someone calling to postpone a date can reduce me to tears..
Its terrible! And I still want to date/have relationships.

Sincerely,
Matthew



Lonermutant
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,724
Location: Namsos, Norway

01 Feb 2012, 3:46 pm

At least in men it's low maturity level, growing up slower, social isolation, few options when it comes to education and work. All that sums up and means that we stay alone. But that is also a personal preference for many Aspies.